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Thread: I am concerned about my ex boyfriend.

  1. #1
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    I am concerned about my ex boyfriend.

    My boyfriend and I were together over two and a half years, he was not very confident but everyone said I was a good influence on him including his family. He changed so much thanks to me praising him all the time and reassuring him. He broke ups with me 6 weeks ago, in the morning he loved me more than anything then within a few hours, he said he had lost his feeling for me. I know him better than anyone and I did try to get him to change his mind. I've had no contact, which has been hard, I've been on a date, nothing serious just a meal, been enjoying my hobbies. The problem is I keep hearing all the things he's getting up to. He's drinking heavily, sleeping with different girls, smoking, vaping even smoking weed. This is not like him. I feel worried and concerned. Before he dumped me he told everyone I was the love of his life, everyone is shocked including both our families.
    I felt sure by now that he would contact me or he would unblock me.
    Do I simply ignore what I have been told? or do I find a way to contact him?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lynn01
    Do I simply ignore what I have been told? or do I find a way to contact him?
    Sorry about the pain. Can I ask how told you guys are?

    To answer your questions: You neither find a way to make contact, or ignore what you've been told, as that's impossible. But you have to accept that he has decided to end things, firmly, which means he is not your responsibility. He'll handle this moment in his life however he chooses to, as he'll handle the overall business of living in whatever way he sees fit. You have to respect that, both when you are in a relationship and in general, as it is not the responsibility of adults to "save" other adults from themselves.

    Everyone struggles after a breakup, and in life. He sounds like he's struggling a bit. Is it a phase he'll grow out of, as most do? Is it a phase he'll grow into, as some do? Time knows those answers, and he'll answer them in how he chooses to spend his time. What is most important to you right now is how you spend your own time, which means healing from this pain in whatever way you need to heal, not positioning yourself to be the bandage for a man who broke up with you. Zoom out a bit and that could be seen as you turning to the source of your own pain to feel better.

    Perhaps now is a good time to reflect on this relationship a bit, as it sounds like one of your main connection points (the praising, the assuring) was boosting him up. That is a limited mode of connection that often drains both parties over time, as no one (even someone struggling) wants to feel like they need another to be their booster rocket, just like no one can handle boosting up another and themselves simultaneously for eternity. Life is too challenging for that.

    Imagine a man who didn't need your praise to stand tall, and a man who could praise you for how you stand in your own shoes, and stand confidently next to you. That may be what you ultimately want, and I don't think the path to that is involving yourself with an ex who is behaving the way he is. That just sounds like a road to serious hurt on all sides.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this, but you'll have to let go. He's away at collage and going through some changes. He has friends and family who can worry about him. He blocked you so, it's time to move forward. Stop asking about him or stalking or obsessing. If it gets bad, ask your parents to take you to a doctor/therapist to sort things out.

    My advice remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Lynn01
    he said he had lost his feeling for me. I keep hearing all the things he's getting up to. I felt sure by now that he would contact me or he would unblock me.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Tell your friends or whoever is tattling on him to you to knock it off. It's not helpful and it's not very nice. It's like they're enjoying taunting you about not being his life anymore. That's not very "friend-like", is it?

    So what would you say if you did use this info as an excuse to contact him? "People have been reporting to me what you're doing. Do you need my help?"

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lynn01
    Do I simply ignore what I have been told? or do I find a way to contact him?
    Yeah, and no, don't contact him. Playing social worker with the guy is what got you embedded with him in the wrong way in the first place, so don't compound that problem.

    Use this opportunity to learn that people are not projects. If you bond with someone over your ability to 'help' them with their social anxiety, or their breakup, or any other problems that prevent them from living a full and healthy life, then that will feel fabulous for a time. Until they feel healed enough to ditch you to go play out in the world that they've been missing.

    The goal of every therapist, caregiver or health professional is to launch a healthy person who no longer 'needs' them out into the world. So whenever you set yourself up as someone else's healer, you're playing a temporary role of a band-aid that will be discarded once that person is healed. So don't combine your love life with that role, and you're off to a better start.

    The guy is trying to launch himself, so he may go a bit overboard for a while. Don't meddle with that--it's not helpful to him, and it's a really unhealthy habit for you to continue.

    Grieve, heal, and then date only healthy people who don't 'need' you to help them manage any aspect of their lives. If you find yourself disinterested in them because they're not needy enough, seek counseling to learn how to become more healthy yourself.

    Head high, we all need to live out some painful stuff in order to learn better ways of learning.

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    Originally Posted by Lynn01
    The problem is I keep hearing all the things he's getting up to. He's drinking heavily, sleeping with different girls, smoking, vaping even smoking weed. This is not like him.
    Who are you hearing this from? Tell them to stop passing on this information to you.

    And no, there is no reason for you to contact him. He's probably fine; he's on a bit of wild streak but he's likely only doing what most kids away at school for the first time do. It's not reflective of the guy you once knew, I get that, but this is not at all unusual for young folks getting their first real taste of freedom. I am sure his friends and family will step in to intervene if necessary.

    Don't use it as an excuse to get in touch. He doesn't need your help, and I doubt your concern will be welcomed. It's none of your business, in other and slightly harsher words.

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    I have found out he's met a girl and he's fell for her.
    ^^^ She is his problem ..here's the thing ...when someone lets us go , they let go of our love and support as well ....don't be that person who soothes him back to happiness to then go and find someone else ...your life is about you now .

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Who are you hearing this from? Tell them to stop passing on this information to you.

    And no, there is no reason for you to contact him. He's probably fine; he's on a bit of wild streak but he's likely only doing what most kids away at school for the first time do. It's not reflective of the guy you once knew, I get that, but this is not at all unusual for young folks getting their first real taste of freedom. I am sure his friends and family will step in to intervene if necessary.

    Don't use it as an excuse to get in touch. He doesn't need your help, and I doubt your concern will be welcomed. It's none of your business, in other and slightly harsher words.
    I agree with this -great advice!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    ^^^ She is his problem ...
    Yep, or he is HER problem now.

    Go find better outlets for your focus, and kindly ask everyone to NOT gossip about this guy to you. You will thank yourself later.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Yep, or he is HER problem now.

    Go find better outlets for your focus, and kindly ask everyone to NOT gossip about this guy to you. You will thank yourself later.
    oh blimey that is what I meant , thankyou x

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