WiseHeart Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Here is the quick and dirty - we're both 34, matched on a dating app, but we actually went to HS together, so we had a decent foundation of shared experiences from back then. We'll call her C and I think we connected hard. After a couple of months, C dropped the L-bomb, which I liked. I liked her a lot up to that point, and after she said it, I think I fell even harder. I had been single for a long time. In fact, I haven't dated much, to be honest. Three relationships, each lasting a couple of months to the longest (and most recent one) being a little over a year. We'll call her A. That was about 5 years ago, but A and I kept texting daily. I think originally I was hoping we'd get back together...but then it kind of just turned into a co-dependence of having someone generally available. This obviously was not healthy, but it had been going on for so long that I was honestly afraid of losing it. Before the weekend C said she loved me, she happened to the text chat from A when we were getting dinner and a drink and I was showing her something on my phone. She was very upset that it was on a daily basis, and she said she needed time to think. I wasn't able to give her an answer about why I texted A so frequently because I honestly never thought about it. It was just so routine but also so inconsequential that I never really thought about it over the almost 5 years it had been going on. My friends kept telling me to stop, but I realize now it was a co-dependence, as I said above. After giving her space for about a day or two, we got together again, talked it out and I explained a bit what the text with A was all about, and I even showed it to her. The text conversation was generally pretty superficial, just checking in throughout the day, saying good-morning and goodnight, but it wasn't the right thing to do. So C and I had a long chat, I explained as best I could, and we ended up in a good place, I think. She told me she loved me a couple of weekends after that. It wasn't all smooth sailing, of course. I have some big insecurity issues and find it hard to trust a partner. I can so easily just assume that the partner is one foot out the door, ready to find someone new. In the case of C...she was so much more impressive than me. Smarter, more attractive, so much more developed and in touch with who she was, and her interests were cool (art and stuff). There were a couple of things that concerned me. I also always noticed that she still had the dating app icons on her phone (I had deleted mine and told her I did that), but I never asked her to delete them or told her at that point that they made me uncomfortable. My insecurities got so bad that I once checked to count the number of condoms she had when I was at her apt once to see if any were used. It was crazy of me, and she kinda caught me so I asked if there was anyone else. She said no and I had no reason to not believe her. I don't recall if I brought up the dating app stuff at that point. But additionally, the two of us once hung out with one of my male friends (who is also in a relationship, we double dated before) who is going through a tough time career wise. We were getting a drink and he was talking about how he was having a hard times and put her had on his chest and hand quickly, kind of as a comforting move, but it seemed to intimate to me. I felt pretty bad after that. She also got his cell number so he could send her his resume and she could see if she knew anyone that could help (and that's all that happened, my friend showed me the text). Then, more recently, were on a date, walking around, and she talks about what she likes in relationships. She doesn't always like holding hands (I do, and we had been doing that all the time up to that point) and she doesn't like texting all the time, she prefers phone calls at the end of the day or talking in person (I obviously like to text in addition to that stuff). She was worried that if we didn't text often, that I'd retreat back to my texting with C (which hadn't really stopped to be honest, more on that later). Insecure me was convinced she was pulling away rather than recognizing her preference in dating (I did think she was willing to meet in the middle for handholding/texting). I stewed for a couple of days, and then I just decided to tell her how I felt about the dating apps and the thing with my friend. I put it all in an email and then we had a phone call to talk. She said she forgot about the apps, which is why she never deleted them, but that she also doesn't check them at all. I told her how they made me feel, but I didn't ask her to delete them. As for the thing with my friend, she was pretty convincing in saying she wasn't interested. We also talked about my insecurities and she recommended seeing someone and she was willing to support me during that process. I cut back on the texting with C, but surprisingly, she seems to reach out a bit more. Anyway, while all this is going on in the background, I'm still texting with A. I've been trying to cut back, but what I really should have done was gone cold turkey. This past weekend, C sees a goodnight text from A, and that's it. C is done. There was no going back, and I don't blame her. We chatted for a bit that following sat over text, and I said I was going to go see someone. I also sent her an e-mail early sat morning trying to explain everything and how stupid I felt about texting A. It wasn't enough to win C back, but she did kind of leave the door open saying that she'll be thinking about me and hopes that I let her know how things are developing with my psyche. Honestly, I don't know if she'll ever take me back…and that makes me sad. I guess this is more of a vent than anything else. I did see a therapist on the following Monday and it was ok. I think I need to try out a couple of people before settling on someone. I also completely stopped texting A. Before I did, I asked A what the point of our texting was, and she said it was a co-dependence that had probably gone on for too long, and that it was just filling a need until we each found a person that could take up that slack. Interestingly, she had also been seeing someone and was in love, but she didn't tell him about our texting. Link to comment
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