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Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #131
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    Yes, no guarantees but the more you're out there meeting people you have things in common with -even other men, who can introduce you to women, the more chances to find that good match. I've been told I ask good follow up questions - in reality, I just find people interesting and often find what they are interested in, interesting even though I know nothing about it. I don't want to cross the line into prying though. I had many ones and dones when dating. I get it. My work schedule back then was always bad for dating because I was basically on call 24/7 and worked long, late, unpredictable hours and traveled.

  2. #132
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    Yeah I think good follow up questions are really important. One of my best friends is naturally very much like this - whatever someone's talking about, he takes a real interest in. It never feels like he's faking an interest or making polite conversation, and people just tend to warm to him. I'm not naturally so much like this but I have worked on it a lot over the last couple of years and I'd say people generally enjoy my company more than they would've done a couple of years ago.

    I've not done any dating since I updated this at the start of the week (it's now Friday) and a few of the promising Tinder conversations that I had going (the ones that I started last Tuesday who then weren't free when I suggested a meet for last weekend) have stopped replying. I think it really is true that if someone can't / won't meet within a week, there's a very good chance that they never will.
    I have, however, got a coffee meet arranged for Sunday afternoon with a girl called Carmen. Will update after.

  3. #133
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    Have fun! I don't think it's about "working on it" - if you are interested in people and curious about what they are interested in and/or what makes them tick then the follow up questions will come naturally and the "work" will be to make sure not to be too familiar/personal too soon. If you're not interested naturally then that's just the way it is. I guess the "work" could be to be a more varied/interesting person in your own right so that there's more of a chance that if someone brings up a topic that you're typically not familiar with, you know enough to get the ball rolling (one reason I listen to a public radio station, various podcasts, read high quality news magazines, etc). To me it's not work, it's fun/play/interesting - it's "work" if the interaction is work-based and I want to develop a rapport with a person I otherwise wouldn't be friendly with.

    I agree that if the person can't meet within a week and is not very ill or out of town, or moving homes, etc then chances are they never will. Good filter!

  4. #134
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    I think it does help to be knowledgeable enough to get the ball rolling on lots of subjects but I do also believe that being able to hold a conversation on a subject you have no prior knowledge on is a good test of your social / conversation skills.
    I am quite a firm believer that social skills can be 'worked on' and as I mentioned on this thread a few weeks ago, I have read some stuff by Leil Lowndes on conversational skills / interacting with people. I think perhaps the phrase 'work on it' is a bit misleading as the word 'work' implies that I find it a chore, whereas I do genuinely enjoy improving my social skills in this way.

    Updates (Saturday 12th & Sunday 13th October)

    The main update is that I had a really good first meet with Carmen this afternoon. We went for a coffee initially and then a drink after. She was genuinely stunning and seemed a really nice person too. Conversation flowed the whole time and 2 hours passed by almost in the blink of an eye before, unfortunately, I had to go to work. But she told me she'd like to meet again and we said we'll arrange to meet again next weekend (she's working over an hour away Monday-Friday at the moment and just back weekends).

    So I'm very much looking forward to seeing her again while, at the same time, trying to not get ahead of myself or worry too much, both of which I'm consciously aware I have a tendency to do. When I meet someone I really like (which happens pretty rarely!), I tend to become quite paranoid between 1st and 2nd dates about whether they'll change their mind. This has happened to me a few times in the past (great 1st date, agree to meet for a 2nd date before, a few days later, they then change their mind and the 2nd date never happens) and I think that those past experiences have burnt me, made me quite insecure around this time. As a result, I start over-thinking what to text them etc, whereas before the 1st date, I'm much more relaxed about everything (I forget to text them back til 12 hours later etc)

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  6. #135
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    I'm so glad you had a good time with Carmen! I think social skills can be worked on. What I am dubious about is whether people who are not naturally curious about people, their interests, their feelings, fears, dreams can "work" on becoming curious. I think to a large extent natural curiosity in other people is either there or it is not.

    Hope you set up an official first date soon with Carmen!

  7. #136
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    Thankyou! Unfortunately, my premonition has already come true.........I got a 'you're a nice guy but' text from her this morning

    This has kind of surprised me and not surprised me simultaneously. Surprised me because she said the opposite at the end of the meet yesterday, that she'd like to meet again and that she was about next weekend. Not surprised me because, as I mentioned in my last post, these changes of heart between 1st and 2nd meet have happened to me a number of times before.

    Although there's no point dwelling on it, I have spent a bit of time turning it over in my head this morning trying to work out why. I'll describe the course of events, see if anyone has any insights:

    So we did have a slightly awkward end to the meet, the conversation going as follows:

    Her: Well thankyou, it was lovely to meet you
    Me: No problem. We can meet again if you like?
    Her: You'd like to meet me again?
    Me: I would yeah. But I'm totally awful at telling what other people are thinking! So I don't have a clue if you're thinking the same
    Her: Yeah I'd be up for meeting again
    Me: That's cool. Are you about next weekend?
    Her: Yeah I'm back in (place) almost every weekend
    Me: Ah great. Well let's make a plan at some point in the week for next weekend
    Her: Great

    Then we had a hug and left.

    I then dropped her a quick text about 3 / 4 hours later, just saying 'it was great to meet you, earlier, wish I could've stayed longer xx'

    Maybe someone else will see something in the above exchange but to be honest, I thought it was all pretty standard and normal. I am of course aware that she might've just agreed to a 2nd meet due to being put on the spot / feeling under pressure as I was stood in front of her asking her.
    As I said though, I'm not going to dwell on it or worry about it too much, but I am quite an analytical person and I do like to understand the reasons for things!

  8. #137
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    I am so sorry this happened. I thought you were way too self deprecating and verbose in your ending exchange although that might have been irrelevant (and also she didn't try to close the deal which is something to consider and neither did you - you could have said "how about next Saturday evening -I'll call you and we can discuss a time")

    This is going to be nitpicky so please know I don't mean to be overly so or critical but maybe some will help/resonate

    I wouldn't say "no problem" - just "same here!". Then I would say "I'd like to see you again" without an "if" - that introduces the possiblity she would not want to -why even introduce that? Then you tell this near stranger about how you're bad at reading people, even clueless. And instead of "at some point" I would say "I'll call you ____(a day on or before Wednesday) to confirm"

    I have a platonic friend -a guy- I've been friendly with since the early 1990s. He told me early on he likes to make specific plans in advance and change them if needed but not with the whole "some point we'll talk/figure it out/get together". I like that -now that's a bit on the other end of specificity but with a new person put your best foot forward, assume she wants to see you (without arrogance, just matter of fact) and keep the convo short and specific with a positive spin and smile. Maybe it's irrelevant here -maybe her ex boyfriend called when she got home -but just some suggestions.

  9. #138
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    Thanks, there's some good points in there. I agree, I was too self-deprecating and I think that's probably down to my confidence having been knocked by having had in the past a number of knock-backs following (what I'd thought were) great first meets.
    But I agree, I could definitely have been more specific with plans. I think I wasn't because firstly, I hadn't actually thought in advance of exactly when I was free next weekend, so thought to myself 'if we say "sometime next weekend" for now, it'll give me chance to go away and check my schedule'. Secondly, because I'd lost track of time and it had dawned on me that I was pretty tight for time for getting to work! So the whole end to the meet was pretty rushed.

    I have this morning paid for a 6 month subscription on Tinder Gold. Carmen was telling me yesterday that she uses it and it allows her to see straight away who's liked her, rather than having to do a ton of swiping. So I thought it seems daft to scrimp on paying £90 considering I can easily afford it and how much time and effort I'm putting into dating, so I put in my card details.
    Turns out I've been swiped right on by 1867 women! I've just had a scan through them now and thought 'my goodness, what do I do with all these?'. I guess when I go through them in more detail, there might only be say 200 that I'd be interested in myself. But at the same time, there'd be no point me matching with all 200 straight away as I've only got the time to meet maybe 3, max 4 people a week and, even allowing for maybe 60% / 70% of them not replying, there would still be an unmanageable number of conversations to try to maintain.
    I'll probably go on later and pick maybe 10-12 who I particularly like the look of to match with and then go from there.

  10. #139
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Bummer, buddy. But also: head high!

    Batya analyzed things pretty well, I think. My take, reading that, was: too passive, too much hedging, too much trying to be confident by exposing insecurities. I'm pretty direct, more or less always: "This is fun, you're fun, let's do this again, when is again?" Those are the hard facts I know to be true for me, and so I share them with confidence, rather than trying to gauge what someone else is thinking, or feeling, by casting sideways lines and seeing if there's a nibble. If those facts line up with her facts—great. If not—great.

    That said, it is what it is. There are a zillion x-factors on her end that are unknown, so don't focus too hard on where you "screwed up." With the right person, at the right time—even if it's just setting up a second date—you can do just about anything and it'll work out. That's the mystery of the whole thing: that the you they encounter is (a) a you you like being and (b) a you they want to see once more.

    I've heard good things from the people who did the paid versions of Tinder and Bumble—just cuts through the game of it all. So, great! I think all the bs tension around left and right swipes doesn't do anyone any favors.

  11. #140
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Kind of agree with Blue here that you need to clean up your approach. Don't hedge and just ask in a straightforward manner for what you want. If you genuinely want to see her again, then tell her that you really enjoyed this time you've spent with her and would love to see her again. Ask when she is available. If she is enthusiastic in her response and clear about I'm free Saturday, for example, then go ahead and nail down the date right there and then. No if's, no hedging, no I'll text you later. Just do it.

    What actually stood out to me personally is her comment, the surprise she expressed that you wanted to see her again. It might be that you were having a great time, but perhaps you didn't really appear to be or were holding your cards too close to your chest. You might want to think on that a little bit. It seems that your interest didn't come across during the date. Not saying wear your heart on the sleeve and vomit compliments and your desires all over your dates, but don't be so nervous and uptight that your dates get surprised you are interested at all. Between two extremes, there is a sweet spot, a happy middle.


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