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Batya, thanks for your input. I do like the answer of 'I'm doing xyz with a friend' as it avoids lying (which I hate). But how did you answer the 'who's your friend?' question if they asked that? Did you tell them to mind their own business or did you answer honestly?

 

"Why do you ask?" Also honestly if someone I didn't know well asked me that I would feel uncomfortable continuing to get to know the person -that's way too prying for my taste. Or you can say "oh just someone I happen to know I'm sure you don't know the person. More coffee?" You never have to answer a question in order to be "honest". It's just as honest to decline to answer. I met up with a new friend for lunch the other day -almost like a first meet in a way since we'd "met" online. One of the first things she told me was "I'm not eating because I have stomach issues, but please go ahead". I am a curious person and of course cared also that she might not feel well but I also knew I didn't want to pry. So I asked her if I could pick up a water for her when I went to get my lunch and she declined. I ate and later she shared with me what the issue was. I don't think I asked a follow up question at all -if I did it was nothing like prying -she shared with me when she felt comfortable. "Normal" people understand social manners and typical boundaries and won't ask about what specific things you're doing in your personal time especially when you don't volunteer.

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Thought I'd quickly update this. Nothing going on much in terms of dating. Georgie was wishy washy when it came to actually arranging to meet, so I left that. I met another woman, Rachael, off Bu

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Why are you expecting to be interrogated?

 

Tbh I don't see those type of questions as 'interrogations' once I get to know someone a bit. Thinking back to the last girl I dated for any length of time (J who I mentioned a few posts ago), we would regularly ask each other what we were doing and with whom. Neither of us were interrogating the other and it never felt like any kind of invasion of privacy, it was just part of our normal chit-chat. At the time, I wasn't seeing anybody else (although we hadn't actually had the exclusive conversation) and so I never felt like I had to consider my answers.

 

"Why do you ask?" Also honestly if someone I didn't know well asked me that I would feel uncomfortable continuing to get to know the person -that's way too prying for my taste. Or you can say "oh just someone I happen to know I'm sure you don't know the person. More coffee?"

 

Yeah I get what you're saying here. I think for this to work for me, I'd probably have to be a bit less open in general than I was with J. As mentioned above, when me and her were dating, we'd regularly talk about what we were up to and who with. I'd tend to say something like 'me and John went to the pub last night and I've been for a game of tennis with Ben this morning' and she'd say similar things: 'I went to see Charly's new flat etc etc'. We'd name reference who were doing things with without being prompted or asked. So I think if either of us had said 'with a friend' followed by 'oh just someone I happen to know' if asked who, the immediate response from the other straight away would've been 'You've got another date haven't you?' We'd have noticed the difference because we were normally so open with each other.

 

Updates (Sunday 18th August)

 

Didn't meet Nic in the end. She messaged me 15 minutes before we were due to meet saying she'd had a bump in her car in a supermarket car park and was waiting for the recovery vehicle. I've no reason to doubt this was a genuine cancellation (she sent me a photo of her car with its front wheel in a right mess) and asked if we could reschedule for next weekend.

 

Had 2nd date with Dianna. We went for a coffee and then took my dog for a walk through the woods and round a lake. I'm liking Dianna a lot (she's a lovely looking girl and we vibe well together) but I'm really unsure how she's thinking about me. She wouldn't hold hands during the walk, the kiss at the end was just cheek to cheek and when I suggested doing something else another day, her response was 'hmmmm. Let me have a think'. I can tell its either 1 of 2 possibilities, either:

 

a) she isn't really interested

or

b) she likes me quite a lot but suspects I'm a bit of a player and is therefore taking things very slow and deliberately keeping me guessing.

 

The reason I say what I said in b) is that more than once today, she made reference to my dating. She asked me how Bumble's going and, when I had to stop for a minute to reply to a text (to a friend as it happens), she asked me (half-jokingly) whether I was sorting out my date for tonight. There's a bit of an imbalance with Dianna in that I'm on a dating app and she isn't (I met her organically). Anyway, I'll drop her a message tomorrow and suggest a 3rd date activity - I'm sure her response will tell me whether it's a or b!

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Why did you have to respond to a text while you were on a date ? Was it an emergency ? I’m not surprised she asked about the text. She probably figured if you’re that easily distracted by a text and you stop to respond you’re probably not that into her and probably planning your next date. Certainly if you told her in advance you might be getting an urgent text that’s fine. Otherwise I’d really wonder why you were on a date with me.

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Why did you have to respond to a text while you were on a date ? Was it an emergency ? I’m not surprised she asked about the text. She probably figured if you’re that easily distracted by a text and you stop to respond you’re probably not that into her and probably planning your next date. Certainly if you told her in advance you might be getting an urgent text that’s fine. Otherwise I’d really wonder why you were on a date with me.

 

I agree. Unless you absolutely, positively HAD to respond to that text immediately there was no need to respond right away.

 

When I'm out with someone (date or friend) and they step away from me to take a call or respond to a text it better be their child or their mom or dad because otherwise it's just plain rude.

 

It couldn't have waited an hour or two?

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It wasn't massively urgent, no. She just asked me what time it was. I took out my phone to check, saw that I had a text, took 10 seconds to respond to it (it was a 1 sentence response) and then put the phone back into my bag.

 

I was with her for 3 hours this afternoon and the 10 seconds I took to respond to that text was the only time I used my phone throughout the duration of the date. To be honest, if the roles had been reversed and she had used her phone once for 10 seconds during a 3 hour date, it wouldn't have bothered me at all and I wouldn't have drawn any conclusions from it such as 'she's responded to a text message, therefore she's clearly not into you'. I'd have considered that to be an over-reaction.

 

But then this is the whole purpose of this journal, to gain fresh and outside perspectives. Maybe I'm guilty of automatically assuming that because something wouldn't bother me, it also wouldn't bother somebody else. Whereas the fact that there's the two of you saying that you both would find it rude and that you would consider it a sign of a lack of interest perhaps suggests that I am wrong and that I shouldn't assume that my standards are also somebody else's standards.

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It wasn't massively urgent, no. She just asked me what time it was. I took out my phone to check, saw that I had a text, took 10 seconds to respond to it (it was a 1 sentence response) and then put the phone back into my bag.

 

I was with her for 3 hours this afternoon and the 10 seconds I took to respond to that text was the only time I used my phone throughout the duration of the date. To be honest, if the roles had been reversed and she had used her phone once for 10 seconds during a 3 hour date, it wouldn't have bothered me at all and I wouldn't have drawn any conclusions from it such as 'she's responded to a text message, therefore she's clearly not into you'. I'd have considered that to be an over-reaction.

 

But then this is the whole purpose of this journal, to gain fresh and outside perspectives. Maybe I'm guilty of automatically assuming that because something wouldn't bother me, it also wouldn't bother somebody else. Whereas the fact that there's the two of you saying that you both would find it rude and that you would consider it a sign of a lack of interest perhaps suggests that I am wrong and that I shouldn't assume that my standards are also somebody else's standards.

 

It's not the ten seconds -it's the act of taking out your phone, checking it and also responding to a non-emergency text. Ten seconds or thirty seconds or 5 minutes is irrelevant it makes a poor impression to prioritize texting a friend the time (huh? she had to text you for that??) over spending time getting to know a new person. It makes the other person feel less than unless it's an emergency. I've been meeting a lot of new people lately while my son is in school. I have to look at my phone if the phone rings for sure and if I get a text I probably will look in the chance that it might be something related to school. And unless it's obvious that I'm going to do that (meaning other parents of school age children usually understand the keeping the phone out thing) I explain it. Same if I'm at work - if I have to check my phone during a meeting I let the attendees know in advance as needed. Isn't a date as important as work?

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prioritize texting a friend the time (huh? she had to text you for that??

 

To clarify, no, nobody texted me asking the time. Dianna (who I was on the date with) asked me if I knew the time. I don't wear a watch so I took out my phone to check the time.

Whilst checking the time, I saw that my friend / business partner had texted me about something business related. So since the phone was open and in my hand in front of me, I just sent him back a quick 'yeah that's fine' text message and then put the phone away again.

 

Updates (Monday 19th August)

 

Haven't heard from Dianna since yesterday. I dropped her a text last night with a bit of banter relating to something we were chatting about on the date. I'd planned to then suggest a 3rd date but she hasn't actually responded to last night's text so I'll just leave it unless she gets back to me. I'm not going to go chasing by sending a 2nd message when the 1st message has gone unanswered. It's a shame as I would definitely like to see her again but obviously, it has to be a 2 way thing!

One thing I'm also trying to do here is to brush it off as just the way early dating goes rather than micro-analysing things too much. I think it's important to stay positive when you get dating knockbacks and so I'm not going to be too critical of myself for the thing with the phone, even though I agree that yes, it would've been better to have responded to my friend after the date.

 

So anyway, dating plans for this week:

2nd date with Marie is finally arranged for this Thursday. We're going to go out for a walk weather dependent.

1st date with Nic (who had to cancel yesterday after the bump in the car) rescheduled for Saturday.

Couple of other girls I've been chatting to I've just suggested a 1st date with. These are girls who I'm kind of 50/50 whether I'm attracted to. But I decided today that I ought to either meet them or stop chatting, rather than drifting along with chit-chat. I've gone for the former option as I do believe that it's possible to be unsure whether you fancy someone based on photos and messages, but then really hit it off when you meet. This happened with J (who I mentioned a couple of times earlier in this thread).

 

Dating definitely does have its ups and downs. I was feeling a bit down in the dumps late last night (I think caused by the feeling that Dianna might not want to see me again) and this led to me getting full on insomnia thinking about Sarah (who I've mentioned previously) – the girl I was dating in May and June who drunkenly made out with a guy I'd previously thought of as one of my best friends. I spent a good 2 hours lay awake in bed with the events of that day back in June turning over and over in my mind. I tend to find myself ruminating over past events like this when my mood's a bit lower in general. I feel ok tonight though.

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Instead of lying awake for two hours ruminating, how about getting up and doing something? Read a book, watch a documentary, bake muffins...anything other than the self torture you indulged in last night.

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Agree with bolt.

 

I'll work backwards, for emphasis. Sarah? You know Sarah is pointless. Been there, done that. Some spice, sure, but she made out with a friend of yours. Yawn. In other words, the only reason to be remotely wistful about Sarah under the above circumstances is if you're incapable of being alone, incapable of not being the object of interest of one or more women at all times, or if you're inner masochist mistakes being punished by women with connecting with them. And all those qualities? Odds are that, should you indulge them, you'll find yourself further and further from the woman you want to meet and connect with, whoever she is.

 

So give yourself a second to observe that thought—you're human, humans are lonely and horny, etc.—and then elevate above it. Engage in something that brings out the best of your humanity, to yourself so you can share it with others. Maybe it's baking, maybe it's the documentary, maybe it's 100 pushups—anything, you know? Ruminating is a habit, just like smoking or being super into art house cinema. We get to choose which habits to indulge and which to break—always remembering that, in the end, we are little more than a collection of habits.

 

Not to harp on it, but next time you send a text on a date? One, have a little voice in your head that asks if it's urgent. Two, if you decide it's urgent, give someone some context. "Sorry, I need to let my business partner know about something really quickly..." Or whatever. And then follow that by asking someone 5 questions. Puts them at ease, which is what everyone wants in dating, in relationships.

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Sarah? You know Sarah is pointless

 

Yeah I need to keep reminding myself of that. Something that I find interesting about that whole escapade is that I feel very differently towards Sarah compared to how I feel about my former friend. Ridiculously, bearing in mind how she behaved, I still think of Sarah affectionately. I'll see her at an event in a couple of weeks time (we're loosely in the same social group) and inside I still look forward to seeing her.

My former friend, by contrast, I want nothing to do with him. Hatred? Possibly, not sure. Yet both of them let me down in equal measure. I'm kind of trying to process why I feel differently about one compared to the other.

 

Odds are that, should you indulge them

 

I'm not actually acting on any of these emotions (i.e. I'm not contacting Sarah and I've left my former friend to his own devices, other than to get some money he owed me) but I'm still finding it difficult to shake off the feelings, especially in my slightly lower moments.

 

Two, if you decide it's urgent, give someone some context. "Sorry, I need to let my business partner know about something really quickly..."

 

Yeah I totally agree. I think the problem isn't so much that I sent the text but that I gave it no context. So she probably was still thinking I was sorting out another date for that evening.

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Something that I find interesting about that whole escapade is that I feel very differently towards Sarah compared to how I feel about my former friend. Ridiculously, bearing in mind how she behaved, I still think of Sarah affectionately. I'll see her at an event in a couple of weeks time (we're loosely in the same social group) and inside I still look forward to seeing her. My former friend, by contrast, I want nothing to do with him. Hatred? Possibly, not sure. Yet both of them let me down in equal measure. I'm kind of trying to process why I feel differently about one compared to the other.

 

Makes sense. One, Sarah is a woman you found cool, attractive, and I presume were having sex with. Powerful stuff, all that. Fogs the logic lens, as we all know. Two, I think finding ways to continue to think fondly about Sarah is advantageous to you—at least in the short run. If you can find ways to highlight how great she is, or to forgive her foibles as human frailty, than you look better, you know? You're a woke, caring guy who sees the best in women and has only been smitten by worthy women, rather than a guy who got a little twisted up by a woman who is pretty shallow, reckless, impulsive, attention-driven, and less than kind when it comes to the business of living.

 

Sarah isn't a devil, nor is she a goddess. She's just a woman who isn't right for you, isn't where you're at, but who you got sprung on for a hot flash. Don't make it mysterious and the mystery vanishes. But once that mystery is gone you have space to figure out what's up with you to have gotten involved with that? No the most fun path to walk down, that one, but more worthwhile in the long run.

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"Not to harp on it, but next time you send a text on a date? One, have a little voice in your head that asks if it's urgent. Two, if you decide it's urgent, give someone some context. "Sorry, I need to let my business partner know about something really quickly..." Or whatever. And then follow that by asking someone 5 questions. Puts them at ease, which is what everyone wants in dating, in relationships."

 

Very well put. I agree.

 

I'm sorry you had insomnia. Been there!

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One thing I'm starting to think about is how open to be about the whole multi-dating thing.

 

Figured I'd address this for a moment.

 

I think this term "multi-dating" is a bit overblown or misunderstood, a loaded term that, more often than not, is actually just what "dating" is, albeit used by people for whom dating triggers so much insecurity that they'd like to skip over it as fast as possible right into a relationship. Swiping, matching, meeting up for a glass of wine—that isn't "dating" a fellow human being, but being a human being who is actively "dating." Ditto going to a party, chatting with someone, exchanging numbers and meeting up a few days later for a stroll. Two single people planning a date—not suddenly dating.

 

So if you're doing that with more than one person—well, I don't think that's "multi-dating" so much as "being single." Not something you need to "clarify" at the outset, since it's safer to assume that other people are doing the same thing. Speaking for myself, I'd be pretty freaked if I met up with someone one or three times and they'd foresworn all others for me or expected me to do the same. I'd be really freaked if, even before meeting me, they'd decided to cut off others to "give space" to explore me, while expecting or assuming I was doing the same.

 

I've generally found that, with the right person, these things all sort themselves out pretty quickly. You meet once, twice, four times, and if there is a click there you're unlikely to be seeking and pursuing clicks elsewhere. It just kind of...happens, with "multi-dating" being a very early, typically brief juncture on the path toward "dating" someone and, from there, stepping toward a committed relationship. Mature, secure people typically have it in them to be able to handle that stuff without it needing to be discussed ad nauseum.

 

Of course, there are likely to be little check-ins along the way. You ask questions, get to know a person. You feel them out as they feel you out, ask you questions. Bring physical intimacy into the equation and there are generally talks about boundaries, but not always. When I was dating recently I was always open about my intentions—to find a partner, which I believe takes time. If that was met with "So are we partners now?" energy after a few dates, or a few weeks, I typically knew we weren't going to work. Not because I was still swiping and dating away but because that's just not something I can vibe with. If someone can't trust what I present when the stakes are still low it signals to me that they may not trust themselves—and, as such, that it's not what I'm after.

 

Guess I'm just saying don't worry about it all so much. And if you're meeting someone who is super worried about all that, someone who needs early, massive declarations of "being off the apps" and so on to feel secure—well, it might just not be your cup of tea. Or maybe it is. You know how your like your tea better than I do.

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Thanks all, some good points. Bluecastle and Bolt, yeah I generally agree with you both about Sarah. Although on this point:

 

a woman who is pretty shallow, reckless, impulsive, attention-driven, and less than kind when it comes to the business of living.

 

I know that the above is true (although she does have good / nice traits also) and I actually thinks it helps me more to remember those negative traits rather than the positive traits. I feel like if I can remind myself of Sarah's negative traits, it'll keep me looking for someone better rather than thinking of a reconnection with her.

 

I'm sorry you had insomnia. Been there!

 

Thankyou. Got it last night as well (just generally restless though, not to do with any women). Eventually read for a bit and did some press ups then think I drifted off fairly quickly after. Pretty tired today though.

 

And if you're meeting someone who is super worried about all that, someone who needs early, massive declarations of "being off the apps" and so on to feel secure—well, it might just not be your cup of tea

 

Yeah I do agree with that. I don't think Dianna (who I haven't heard back from btw, so that's dead in the water) liked the idea that I was on a 2nd date with her but also active on a dating app. But I think really that's more her issue than mine - I'm wondering if maybe she'd had a bad experience with someone 'multi-dating' in the past. I'm disappointed that one's not going any further as me and her did get on well and I was attracted to her. But at the same time,I'm nowhere near as upset as I would have been about it a couple of months ago and I think that's an indication of my improved dating mindset.

 

So anyway, moving forward, 3 dates in the next 3 days:

 

Firstly, 2nd date with Marie tomorrow (Thursday) night. We're going out exploring with my dog

Then Friday night, a 1st date (drink) with a new girl, Sara from Bumble. She looks an interesting character - blue hair, covered in tattoos, runs her own gym. But I like someone a bit different, so interested to meet her.

Then Saturday morning, a 1st date (coffee) with Nic - the rescheduled date from Sunday after the bump in the car.

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Bummer about Dianna. Who knows, really, what's up with that? If it's anything along the lines of what you suspect—which it may very well be, given her quip about dating and apps—I'd just move forward without much thought.

 

I'm really sensitive—not overly, I don't think, just tuned-in—to that energy where I can feel myself being judged through the "Is this guy a player?" lens. Or if I'm meeting up with someone who "hates the whole app thing," and brings that kind of chatter into things early. If the price of admission is "proving" that I'm decent and not "a dog like all the others" I have no interest.

 

Signals to me that it will always be an uphill battle, that instead of just being me I will have the added pressure of having to right some kind of past wrongs, prove that good men still walk the earth, and so on, and only once I achieve all that can I exhale and be me—at least until I have to inhale, hold my breath again, and go through the motions of proving my decency and the decency of my gender. I've been burned every which way by women, in dating and in relationships, and yet for some reason my general feeling about women is that they are awesome, interesting. Feel the same about men, about myself, about people. Need someone with a similar attitude.

 

My girlfriend wondered, as people do, if I was dating one or four other people when we first met. I wondered the same about her. How could I not? She's smart and beautiful and very much radiates the energy of a woman who has been adored by men. Perhaps she'd say something similar about her "read" on me. But those thoughts were at a very low simmer in the backs of our minds—things time would sort out and nothing to judge either way. If she was in a place in life where she needed lots of cursory attention, or if other men were more enticing than me—all good. Meant we weren't to be. And vise versa. I'd say that attitude, looking back, was a big plus for both of us and remains pretty dominant now that things are committed and serious. It's what allows things to feel Sweetly Serious rather than Serious Serious.

 

Regarding Sarah: I prefer not to think of things in a positive/negative binary mode, per the above, but to instead just keep remembering that someone is not right for you. Someone can be all sorts of terrific, but still not be right. Sarah is not right. Her blend of qualities—the good, the not-so-good—does not serve you. Simple, not laced with anger or bitterness. All it will take is a flicker of fun and connection to banish her from your memory bank, which means she doesn't even mean that much to you, you know?

 

I've struggled with sleep most of my adult life. Comes and goes. I just came back from a weekend at my mom's beach place, where I was, miraculously, sleeping 8-9 hours a night. The past two I've woken at 4 in the morning. Sigh. I've found the best way to deal with it is to not really care, to accept I'll sometimes be more tired than I'd like, just like sometimes I'll get more sleep than I thought I would. It all evens out.

 

Enjoy the upcoming dates!

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I can feel myself being judged through the "Is this guy a player?" lens. Or if I'm meeting up with someone who "hates the whole app thing," and brings that kind of chatter into things early. If the price of admission is "proving" that I'm decent and not "a dog like all the others" I have no interest.

 

Yeah I totally get this. I very much felt that I was being judged like that by Dianna and I think she probably saw the fact that I'm on a dating app and the text message thing as evidence that, yes, Ian is a player! She too told me that she'd been on 'so many online dates and really can't stand them' and that, at 37, she'd been single since she was 29. I think she initially found it refreshing that I asked her out after we'd met organically (which I don't think happens that much in 2019) but then, after learning that I was actually on a dating app myself, saw me as 'another of those blokes off the apps'.

I'm obviously making a few assumptions and guesses here and of course, I could be wrong - I guess since she never got back to me, I'll never know for sure!

 

nothing to judge either way. If she was in a place in life where she needed lots of cursory attention, or if other men were more enticing than me—all good. Meant we weren't to be. And vise versa

 

That's the attitude that I'm working hard to maintain, having felt quite negative myself about the whole dating process in the past. Out of interest, do you think that attitude came naturally both to you and her? Had you both done a lot of online dating in the past but just managed not to fall into the trap of the 'so fed up with the apps' type of negative mindset?

 

Regarding Sarah: I prefer not to think of things in a positive/negative binary mode, per the above, but to instead just keep remembering that someone is not right for you. Someone can be all sorts of terrific, but still not be right. Sarah is not right

 

Yeah I can see the logic in that. I've found that with both J and Sarah, thinking of their positive traits can trigger the 'I miss them' emotions. Whereas thinking about their negative traits and some of the ways they behaved can stir up quite angry emotions. Yet neither of these emotions are helpful or positive, whereas the 'she isn't right for me' thought is more neutral and doesn't stir up strong damaging emotions.

 

I've found the best way to deal with it is to not really care, to accept I'll sometimes be more tired than I'd like, just like sometimes I'll get more sleep than I thought I would. It all evens out.

 

I'm most likely to not be able to sleep when I've got the 'I need to get to sleep' attitude usually because of something that 'I mustn't be tired' for the next day. But then that thought process is pressurising and makes me tense and therefore even more likely to not be able to sleep! I find, like you, that when I can adopt the 'oh well, if I'm tired, I'm tired' attitude, it helps take the tension away.

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Dating is about judging of course - if you're looking for something long term you have to make judgments about whether the person is a good match. Being judgmental is different than that of course.

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Out of interest, do you think that attitude came naturally both to you and her? Had you both done a lot of online dating in the past but just managed not to fall into the trap of the 'so fed up with the apps' type of negative mindset?

 

Very naturally on both ends, I’d say.

 

I don’t think it has much to do with online dating. I’d don’t it plenty, she less. Neither of us know much about the other’s experiences; it’s not something we’ve gone into. I could write a thesis on where our attitudes came from, but at the end of the day I think it’s just who we are, or where we were when we met. We both genuinely liked the lives we were living before meeting, didn’t panic when we looked in the mirror.

 

Made it easy. It remains easy.

 

We also just really liked each other—as individuals, not as missing pieces to our individuality. I had no interest in dating others basically after an hour with her, but didn’t much care, for the first month or so, whether she felt the same. Think she felt similarly about me. I also had no interest in defining things quickly, because that’s how I am. She’s similar. So when we talked about intentions, and what we wanted from life, it was more about each of us staying who we were, not testing the other, if that makes sense.

 

Past all the obvious points of connection—physical, emotional, intellectual—I think we both put a high value on being able to be ourselves, alongside another. If that wasn’t possible nothing else really mattered. And learning that takes time, patience, and self-confidence. Somehow we offered the other enough confidence to explore those questions. I’d say that’s what we’re still doing. We’re very much “in it,” with all the big stuff expressed, but we’re not rushing to the finish line.

 

There is a lot of self-work on both ends with us, and a mutual respect for that work. I benefit from hers, she from mine, but it’s not for each other, and remains ongoing. I think we both feel very lucky. But it doesn’t feel accidental. We’re not kids. We each lived a lot of life to find the other, and be ready for the other.

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Yeah, that's cool. I think sometimes you can meet someone (male or female) and just really warm to them, just a natural thing.

 

I had no interest in dating others basically after an hour with her, but didn’t much care, for the first month or so, whether she felt the same.

 

This really surprises me though! I felt this way (that this is the girl I want to be with) after an hour or 2 with J (who I've mentioned a few times) and with another girl, Carrie, who I dated a decade ago. But it definitely mattered to be whether they felt the same - I find it hard to imagine being so into someone after an hour that I had no interest in anyone else, yet not being fussed whether they felt the same. Not for one second saying this is wrong though............just an insight into how people can have a very different mindset.

 

Updates (Thursday 22nd August)

 

Got a reply from Dianna today, 4 days after I texted her a bit of banter. It was one of the 'you're a really nice guy but........' messages. I hate these messages. I'd rather be a tw*t than a 'really nice guy but......'. But to be honest, I already knew from the fact it was 4 days since my text that this one was dead in the water so I kinda just shrugged my shoulders at the message.

 

2nd date with Marie tonight. Unfortunately didn't go as well as I'd hoped and I think this one's done and dusted too. We went for a 2 hour walk with my dog up to the top of a hill with great views from the top. Good chit-chat all the way although I wouldn't say I felt any sort of amazing sparkly connection and there were a couple of times that I felt 'we've kind of run out of conversation here' before it reignited again on another topic. Nevertheless, I was enjoying her company and was attracted to her and so from my end, I was thinking 'yeah I'd like to see her again after today'.

However, about 10 minutes from the end of the walk, I went to take her hand as we walked alongside each other and she kind of giggled and just said 'no, no'. At that point, I knew it was game over - I know that some girls are more reserved than others when it comes to physical contact but I do think that if someone's attracted to me, they'll happily take my hand by the end of the 2nd date.

Hell, will most the girls I've dated in the past, we've slept together by the end of the 2nd or 3rd date, although I've recently become less bothered about quick physical escalation having read a lot and taken a lot of advice on these forums. I must admit though, I'm kind of wondering whether this new attitude has caused me to become a bit passive and just been chit-chatting away like a friend would. Rather than flirting, complimenting, the odd innuendo, being a bit touchy feely - the sort of thing that builds up a bit of sexual tension - the sort of thing that makes someone see you as a lover rather than 'a nice friend'. I think it's maybe a balancing act and that at times in the past I've been too far to the 'sexually aggressive' end of the scale whereas now I've maybe retreated too far to the 'passive nice guy' end.

 

So anyway, back to Marie, we finished the date with a hug, a 'thanks enjoyed that but I'd better be getting going' and that was it. It's not been said as yet but I've got no doubt in my mind that a 'you're a really nice guy but.......' text will be heading my way tomorrow!

 

I'm feeling a bit disappointed. I've always found in the past that 1st dates are the least likely to be successful (probably historically, only about 25% of my 1st dates have become 2nd dates). Whereas my 2nd dates have almost always led to 3rd dates. So at the start of this week, with 2nd dates with Dianna and Marie lined up, 2 girls I was attracted to, I would've been very surprised if someone had said that neither would lead to a 3rd date.

 

Anyway, such is life! Dating next few days:

 

Sara (who I had a drink lined up with tomorrow night) has cancelled. Says she has to work now.

Coffee with Nic Saturday morning.

Another Bumble girl, Claire, has suggested a coffee this weekend too. Just sorting out the details at the mo.

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Updates (Saturday 24th and Sunday 25th August)

 

Had a coffee date with Nic yesterday afternoon. Had a nice chat and I enjoyed her company, although I think she might be a bit too quiet for me. I'll give it a 2nd date if she will though, it wasn't a 'definitely not' from my perspective, more of a 'not sure just yet'. We've exchanged a few messages throughout the day today and I've just suggested a 2nd meet and waiting on a reply - will see what she says, although I won't be too upset if it's a no.

 

So anyway, away from Nic, things are drying up a little. I've got another coffee date (with Claire) tomorrow afternoon and hopefully a 1st date with Sara to reschedule (although I'm not overly convinced she isn't going to just disappear now after cancelling the drink we'd planned for Friday).

But my Bumble matches have totally dried up - I'm literally getting no new ones at all and I think I must have exhausted the vast majority of the active Bumble girls in my age range and vicinity. I get the impression that Bumble shows you the active users first (hence why I got a flock of matches early on) and so I'm now probably just swiping on girls who haven't been on Bumble for weeks / months.

 

So I'm kind of pondering what to do. I'm well aware that dating is a numbers game and that it might take 15 / 20 /30 dates to meet someone who I really click with and who also likes me back. But to get those numbers of dates, I have to be getting the matches! I might set up Tinder again (I used it in the past, then deleted it) and start sending messages on Pof (I've a Pof profile but have barely used it for a while) although to be honest, I don't enjoy Tinder or Pof nearly as much as Bumble. I've enjoyed Bumble the past few weeks mainly because the premise that the women have to message first means that the majority of my matches are leading to conversations with a good number of these then leading to dates. Whereas in the past, I've found that sending 10 messages on Tinder / Pof only to get maybe 1 or 2 replies (some of which might be one word responses) quickly sapped away my enthusiasm!

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Well, you don't have to have a girlfriend NOW!!!, right?

 

No I don't, and I think that's partly why I'm contemplating whether I'm prepared to invest a lot of time into Tinder and Pof.

 

Quality over quantity

 

I kind of simultaneously agree and disagree with this when it comes to dating! I am of course looking for quality but I feel like to give yourself the best chance to find the quality, you have to go through the quantity! I've read posts from more than one member on here saying that they went on 80 / 90 / 100 1st dates before they met the person who became their spouse / long-term partner.

 

I think, in all honesty, I'll probably get Tinder set up tomorrow, but find a way to get the opening messages fired out efficiently rather than in a time-consuming way.

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