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Thread: What is my next step?

  1. #1
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    What is my next step?

    Hi.
    So i posted in here a couple of days ago about my partner of 3 years who broke it off with me suddenly but was still reaching out every day telling me he loves me and doesnt want to lose me. I would ask him to meet or for us to talk and his response would be hes busy but does see us getting back together 'soon' but for now theres things we need to work on.
    Alot of the responses i recieved were people telling me to cut contact as his actions appear as he may have met someone else.
    Therefore, that is what i did. I went cold turkey and havent responded to his constant calls and texts for several days, as hard as it is for me. However, his approach now is blaming me for the ending of our relationship, he is acting competly irrational with the things he is saying and taking it as me not responding to him means i dont want to be with him? i recieve texts asking me if this is because i want to move on and meet someone else? and then the texts that he loves me and doesnt want to lose me flood in.
    SO FINALLY, i respond with a short and sweet paragraph that I love you and currently im not moving on with someone else but this on and off contact is extremely painful for me. But this is what you wanted. If you want to come home, you can.
    His response 'this isnt what i wanted at all' He loves me, doesnt want to lose me but NEEDS MORE TIME.
    The problem is, I love him and i miss him terribly but i was not the person who ended things. If i could click my fingers and we was the way we were before, i really would. What should i do now because currently im finidng it hard to breath.
    Thank you,

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps, and social media. Stop dragging it out. He's jerking you around, don't put up with that.
    Originally Posted by LOSTGIRLV
    his approach now is blaming me for the ending of our relationship, he is acting competly irrational ,

  3. #3
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    He WANTS to break up. But his insecure self also WANTS a back up plan in case he changes his mind.
    And right now you are not behaving according to HIS plan which is break up with you , date others , but have you in the background ready to step back into in case he doesn’t actually successfully get a replacement gf.

    The breakup did not come out of the blue. He has been wanting to breakup for a while but he is spineless.

    Do you want to be that girl? Maybe you do because you have clearly dated a weak man for 3 years?

    What are you going to do?

  4. #4
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    I know you are in a lot of pain, so I am sorry to have to say this: you are a side option. You are a back up. And hell, if you're not, he's a self-destructive, emotionally abusive jerk who needs serious help to understand that 'working on things' does not mean dumping someone and then sending them crumbs of hope in the form of 'I don't want to lose you/ still love you/ just need time.'

    No one can say with certainty if he's found someone else, and that doesn't matter at all. The fact of the matter is that he is telling you (regardless of all the fluffy crap he's spewing at you) that he does not want to be with you. Case closed. Saying "right now," is basically just an air bag to cushion the blow, and also a selfish way of making sure you don't go find someone more deserving of you, which is what you will ultimately do.

    I've been in your shoes. I went cold turkey no contact (this meant blocking him so that I didn't see his tempting messages). Yes, it sucked for awhile because I was "in love" and still wanted to be with him. In the end, I found out that yes, he did have another girlfriend even well before we had broken up, and that I was, in fact, way better off without him.

    Imagine waiting for him to come around again? So he decides he's "better" and can date you now, and you invite him back into your life arms wide open. He learns in that instant that anytime he feels a little bit bored, commitment-phobic, uncomfortable, or whatever else, all he has to do is go away for a little while to do what he wants and you'll still be there waiting in the wings. Is that really what you want?

    Give yourself time to fully grieve. Block him - block him everywhere. Do not fool yourself into thinking that seeing all his messages will help you feel better. Work on yourself. Make new friends. Travel. Work out. See a therapist. Meditate. Do yoga. Make this time all about you and your recovery and put him behind you before he can do anymore damage.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Please read leseine's post about a thousand times in a row. Good stuff, there. Hard stuff, yes. But good stuff.

    In your mind, right now, this moment is "different" because you went "several days" without talking to him, ignoring his texts. But there's no difference, because "several days" in this scenario is the same thing as "three seconds." Imagine I have a drinking problem and I tell you I go four days without booze. Good for me. Then I spend a weekend getting wasted. You'd probably tell me I just threw those four sober days in the trash, and now it's time to get real.

    I know it's hard. What both of you are feeling right now is totally normal: you want him back and, well, he wants to know he can have you—when he's ready. What's not healthy is to engage, together, in that dynamic. It makes him manipulative, weak, selfish—all the qualities we should avoid in a partner. And it makes you a doormat, frozen in pain instead of evolving from it—qualities we don't want to see in ourselves when we look in the mirror.

    The fact that (a) he's now blaming you and (b) that's what gets you to finally cave—well, that's just awful. What happened there is you showed him that he can treat you terribly in order to get you to tell him you love him and are there when he's ready to come home. Do you really want to be sending that kind of message to him, to any many? I don't think so. And, honestly, the fact that he's asking you if you're exploring romance with anyone else, that he's trying to induce guilt about that, probably means he very much is doing that and feels shameful for it. So he's flinging his sh*t at you to feel better.

    You're hurting. Trying to cure that pain with the source of the pain—what you're doing now—is a recipe for more pain, for being frozen in this pain instead of growing from it, moving past it. Not good. Not healthy.

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    Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. Your words have all really hit home. Funnily enough, he called while i was at work this afternoon and verbally abused me til the point of me being in tears. So i guess that was my cherry to my cake, thats my hands washed, im really broken right now.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    We call them breakups because they are broken.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LOSTGIRLV
    Funnily enough, he called while i was at work this afternoon and verbally abused me til the point of me being in tears. So i guess that was my cherry to my cake, thats my hands washed, im really broken right now.
    You're a little broken right now, yes. And so is he. Broken + broken does not equal fixed. It just equals more broken. That's the lesson here, and it's been written on the blackboard clear as day, in gigantic chalk lettering. Time to be strong and listen to it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LOSTGIRLV
    Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. Your words have all really hit home. Funnily enough, he called while i was at work this afternoon and verbally abused me til the point of me being in tears. So i guess that was my cherry to my cake, thats my hands washed, im really broken right now.
    As painful as that exchange might have been, try to consider thanking him for it. He showed his dark under belly and from there you now have the resolve to end the crazy dance. Had he not, you might have continued dancing for a little while longer.

    Don't let this break you. You have the power to say no to someone who treats you poorly. You may not see it in the moment, but there is something positive to take away from this.
    Hang in there. Head high.


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