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Thread: I don't know how to react to this.

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Where I'm coming from, for reference:

    I was that 17-year-old kid, many times over, growing up. And my mom was that mom—and bless her for that, because I can't imagine how I'd have turned out otherwise. I'm a 39 year old man writing that sentence and I get a little choked up thinking back to those days.

    But also? I'm now in a version of your shoes, or at least slipping them on. My girlfriend has a child. We're pretty new, so only the universe knows how it all shakes out, but I'm about a million percent committed to finding out. I know I've got moments like this on the horizon, and have already tasted them. I'd probably find it really challenging had I not grown up as I did, if I didn't have some kind of respect for all this basically etched into my genetic code, since I'm also very much just a dude.

    And us dudes? Let's be honest: we like a lot of attention and can kind of be like teenagers in our hearts and loins long after adolescence. All that can be cute, but it's not out noblest of traits. These are just those moments when we have to be a little bigger than the little dude who resides in us. Deep breaths. By just being there—being a still point as the dust settles, not another weight on her scale—you'll find that honest communication happening. And, in that, you can make clear choices and have clear thoughts about all this.
    You're a wise man. I grew up with a step dad who was less than kind, so I know I'd never want to be anything like that to her kids. And you're right us guys are very good at being big kids. I know I am. I like to have fun! But life isn't always fun and sometimes we just gotta suck it up. Peaks and valleys.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It'll be fine. Just have some faith and roll with it.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    I like to have fun! But life isn't always fun and sometimes we just gotta suck it up. Peaks and valleys.
    True, though there's another way of seeing this: as fun.

    No, it's not champagne and hot sex, but it's a place to grow and explore, both within this relationship and within yourself—to grow a few inches by being a bit smaller than you'd like for a bit longer than you'd like. It's a challenge. Challenges are fun. Fun begets fun, often in ways we don't expect.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't feel she's sure about you and neither is her son. There's something off about the way you're coming across with the older son and his mum. It wouldn't be this way if they didn't sense you were a threat. You mentioned in one of your concerns in your first post that sex and sexual intimacy is important to you (and so it would be for most) but in situations like this, while it's fine to think it, it's not ok to express it (realistically, you just come off like a sleazebag). I'm going to be real with you: you sound preoccupied about sex and spending after-hours/concert time with her in her bedroom. Something's got to give.

    If you do genuinely see a life with her, cool your jets and splash some water on yourself. Enjoy the concerts and the plans at the moment but resist the urge to plan anything too far in advance. If she wants to call the shots, let her call the shots for a time and hang back. Let her come to you. If you don't sense any urgency in her, I don't think you should reciprocate any further. It takes two to tango. Don't get suckered into a relationship that's one-sided or remain in a long-suffering place waiting for someone or a situation to change. I'm more of the belief that you deserve better than that. Find someone else who is more emotionally and sexually available. There's absolutely no shame in admitting that you both are not compatible.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    True, though there's another way of seeing this: as fun.

    No, it's not champagne and hot sex, but it's a place to grow and explore, both within this relationship and within yourself—to grow a few inches by being a bit smaller than you'd like for a bit longer than you'd like. It's a challenge. Challenges are fun. Fun begets fun, often in ways we don't expect.
    Well, I don't know if I'd go that far, lol, but it's work. And anything you want and that's worth having is worth working for.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd consider why a mother of two teenage sons, who's father isn't exactly a role model, would avoid choosing NOW to force them to deal with her sexuality (on top of coming into their own) in their own home.

    These guys have nowhere else to go. It's their home, not yours. If she's had relative success getting her sons through high school unscathed by car wrecks, injuries, drugs, social problems and otherwise 'acting out', then she's doing something right.

    Bringing a lover into her bed while her sons have no other place to sleep can be like lighting a powder keg of rebellion--problems she and they just don't need.

    You can either respect that, or not, but pressuring anyone sexually isn't exactly an aphrodisiac. If the mom goes there against her own best judgment, you risk blowing up the relationship should either of those sons start causing problems for themselves. Mom will likely attribute that to YOUR pressure, and she might even be accurate.

    Skip that. Allow GF to use her own judgment on this issue, because if the evolution doesn't come 100% from her, then you'll set yourself up badly for the boot--sooner or later.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'd consider why a mother of two teenage sons, who's father isn't exactly a role model, would avoid choosing NOW to force them to deal with her sexuality (on top of coming into their own) in their own home.

    These guys have nowhere else to go. It's their home, not yours. If she's had relative success getting her sons through high school unscathed by car wrecks, injuries, drugs, social problems and otherwise 'acting out', then she's doing something right.

    Bringing a lover into her bed while her sons have no other place to sleep can be like lighting a powder keg of rebellion--problems she and they just don't need.

    You can either respect that, or not, but pressuring anyone sexually isn't exactly an aphrodisiac. If the mom goes there against her own best judgment, you risk blowing up the relationship should either of those sons start causing problems for themselves. Mom will likely attribute that to YOUR pressure, and she might even be accurate.

    Skip that. Allow GF to use her own judgment on this issue, because if the evolution doesn't come 100% from her, then you'll set yourself up badly for the boot--sooner or later.
    Who said anything about pressuring her sexually? That's a very large and unreasonable assumption. As to why she would put her kids in that situation, I don't know. That's something her and I should discuss. She put herself out there in a relationship and it's a two way street. I'm more than happy to be understanding, reasonable and flexible and I have been. Just a little honesty is all I'm looking for. Let's not jump on the it's all the man's fault because he's the man and all he wants is sex bandwagon, shall we? Living in fear of "getting the boot" is totally not my style. Either it's going to work or it isn't. A very big key to that is communication. Far more so than sex or love, which is the easy part, anyone can do that. When challenges arise, communication is the key to navigating them. Together, as a team, which is what a good relationship is all about. Mutual respect, honor and understanding. That's what lasts, but it takes some effort to maintain. On both sides.

    Her and I are learning about each other and this is a big step. I want it to work and I hope it does. But you're right, she has done a great job of raising her kids. They're both good kids and I suspect that's probably because of their mom. Their dad sounds like he's a real a-hole. I don't want to mess that up for her, but I do want to see if what we have started is going to grow. But like was astutely pointed out to me, only three seconds in "parent world" have passed for her. That's a lot for her to digest. So I need to just give her the time and space she needs to navigate this new reality she is in.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Who said anything about pressuring her sexually? That's a very large and unreasonable assumption. As to why she would put her kids in that situation, I don't know. That's something her and I should discuss. She put herself out there in a relationship and it's a two way street. I'm more than happy to be understanding, reasonable and flexible and I have been. Just a little honesty is all I'm looking for. Let's not jump on the it's all the man's fault because he's the man and all he wants is sex bandwagon, shall we? Living in fear of "getting the boot" is totally not my style. Either it's going to work or it isn't. A very big key to that is communication. Far more so than sex or love, which is the easy part, anyone can do that. When challenges arise, communication is the key to navigating them. Together, as a team, which is what a good relationship is all about. Mutual respect, honor and understanding. That's what lasts, but it takes some effort to maintain. On both sides.

    Her and I are learning about each other and this is a big step. I want it to work and I hope it does. But you're right, she has done a great job of raising her kids. They're both good kids and I suspect that's probably because of their mom. Their dad sounds like he's a real a-hole. I don't want to mess that up for her, but I do want to see if what we have started is going to grow. But like was astutely pointed out to me, only three seconds in "parent world" have passed for her. That's a lot for her to digest. So I need to just give her the time and space she needs to navigate this new reality she is in.
    Because your argument led with the fact that there would be no more sleepovers. If you are just sleeping, then that can be done separately, correct? You went on to share with how very sexual the two of were, so anyone can assume (by what you shared) that her obligation to her son will impact your sex life. Fair enough. It is part of the relationship, right?

    From there you elaborated more about the full scope of things and seem to have a handle on your expectations.

  10. #29
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    She has very clear lines when it come to her kids. This is a good thing. If things work out for you two, you will appreciate this in the future!

    I have no children, and dating people with children is often confusing for me because I sometimes feel cast aside or second-rate. But, when it comes down to it, I am dating a parent. A parent, by definition, cares for another human. The kids were there first, and they will be there if things don't work out with you.

    I think you should feel good about her reaction. She is a solid mother. Admire that quality and show her that you respect it. She will be grateful!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Who said anything about pressuring her sexually? That's a very large and unreasonable assumption.
    I must have posted to the wrong thread, because I thought I'd read that the crux of the issue had to do with a mother putting the breaks on overnighting in her bed while her sons are home. You may not view your objections to that as putting pressure on her, but it's hardly a large and unreasonable leap.

    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Let's not jump on the it's all the man's fault because he's the man and all he wants is sex bandwagon, shall we?
    Ahh. Now THERE is where I must have been largely and unreasonably presumptuous, because such an accusation is just so natural to me--I guess it fell onto the page when I wasn't looking.

    Given that I'd have raised the same considerations to a woman's complaint about a father's position against bedding with a lover in his teenagers' home while they are there, I didn't anticipate resistance to viewing such an issue through a parent's lens.

    You asked for input, and I believed that putting yourself in her shoes to consider a POV that you may not have thought of might be helpful in aiding your discussion with her so that it goes more smoothly for you. I believed that that was your goal, and I stand corrected.

    "Sometimes giving the appearance of being reasonable can actually be more effective than actually being reasonable." (I forget who said that, but I've always found it to be helpful.)

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