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Thread: I've been catching my boyfriend look at transvestites, What could this mean?

  1. #1

    I've been catching my boyfriend look at transvestites, What could this mean?

    For the past 5 months, I've been snooping on my boyfriends emails, texts, etc. Why? Out of curiosity? Maybe. Insecurities? Possible. Because my gut is telling me to? All of these could very well possibly be the reason. Regardless of why, I have found some interesting information. The first time I snooped in his email, I found craigs list posts of "T4M, T-GIRL LOOKING FOR A FUN NIGHT WITH A HOT SEXY GUY" or something of that sort, and I was like "huh?" What? What am I supposed to think, right? What is T4M? Why would he be looking at this? I researched more and more on transvestites to become more knowledgeable because I wasn't very educated on what they are, who they are and why. I didn't tell him right away. I wanted to know more, and I wanted to wait to see if there would be more. I went to his house and was going to go on facebook and before I clicked anything a skype conversation was already open on his laptop and I read through it. He was "getting to know" a tranny. Using words like "verse" and "top" and "bottom". I had to look all these words up because I had no idea of what that could mean and yet I had an idea of what it meant. I was so hurt, I had no idea what to think, what to do in that situation. I, of course, talked to him then about it, and he, of course, didn't really answer any of my questions. Is he gay? Are you interested in other things besides a natural-born woman? Bi-sexual, perhaps? None of them were answered. I let it go, maybe because I love him, atleast that's what I think. Again, and again after that first incident, I found emails and craigslist posts and I just, I just don't know. Is it a weird fetish? Is it some kind of fantasy he wishes to have? What is it? Do I not satisfy you enough? Today, I opened his laptop, and his tabs from the night before were open, and of course, craigslist, and "SHEMALE PORN" were up. What.. Yeah, I don't know. I'm as confused as any other person.

    Need I say, that our sex life is beyond wonderful. We are physically attracted to eachother and mentally and emotionally compatible. He's always dominate in bed and I don't think he has any problem with that. He is amazing and we do love each other a lot, more than anyone will ever know but I'm stumped.

    I wonder could it be, child hood issue & his way of coping with it? Was he touched or sexually harassed when he was younger? Is this his way of coping with things? Does he even love me? Would this be a probably issue in our future? I have questions, I have so many questions. I'm hurt. I don't know what to think or feel in this situation. I get it's no physical stimulation but it's very harmful and hurtful to me. Will he ever change is one of my biggest concerns.

    I'd really love to hear anyone's feedback who has gone through this, who is going through this, it would be extremely helpful to me as I'm sure plenty of women who have gone through this feel the same way.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member missmarple's Avatar
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    The problem isn't whether he's bi. The problem is that he won't open up to you even though you gave him the chance. I'm really surprised that you decided to stay with him.
    By the way, how do you know that he hasn't met any of those people he skypes with?

  3. #3
    I agree! That is definitely the problem. I've waited and I've sat and I've just tried to get anything out of him and he hasn't until today. We trust each other and I trust him enough to know he hasn't met with any of them, I'd like to hope not. But there's no way of finding out even if he had because I don't think he would tell me.

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by missmarple
    The problem isn't whether he's bi. The problem is that he won't open up to you even though you gave him the chance. I'm really surprised that you decided to stay with him.
    By the way, how do you know that he hasn't met any of those people he skypes with?
    I agree! That is definitely the problem. I've waited and I've sat and I've just tried to get anything out of him and he hasn't until today. We trust each other and I trust him enough to know he hasn't met with any of them, I'd like to hope not. But there's no way of finding out even if he had because I don't think he would tell me.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member missmarple's Avatar
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    You need to have a heart to heart with him. If he insists on not talking, I don't see how you can continue together. It's a health issue, too as you can't be sure what he has done or is going to do and with whom.

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    I'm not sure I understand how he is not saying anything. Does he just say he doesn't know? Does he deny it?

    Basically, if you have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, this is not acceptable behavior, regardless of whether they're transvestites or not.

    If you are considering an open relationship, then that's obviously different.

    At this stage, who or what type of person he's looking at is irrelevant. He is potentially setting the stage to be with someone else, in my opinion. Are you okay with that?

  8. #7
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    he is definitely curious. so curious that he is skyping with a transvestite. if he hasn't met up yet, he is very close to doing so. CL is predominantly for anonymous hook-ups, me thinks.

    most straight men would be totally grossed out at the thought of being with another man. soooooo i don't see how you could really brush this under the rug.

    sure, it would be nice to have 'answers', but you will probably never hear what you want to hear, nor will you probably ever hear the truth.

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    While I disagree what the real problem is with most on here I do agree that you are probably are not right for one another. Next relationship don't snoop behind your boyfriends back, you wouldn't want anyone to do that to you either. Relationships are based on trust and honesty, and you are destroying that by snooping regardless if you find something or not. The premise is you start out by the notion that you don't trust your partner and therefore have to snoop behind his back and violate his privacy. These insecurities are your issues not your partner's.

  10. #9
    I recently just went through something close to this. My boyfriend of 4 yrs had his phone in my bag. I saw a text, "saw your add on cl when can you meet"
    I was shocked. I started to dig. I found a couple odd things. Three adds in total. Two looking for woman to party w snow.... and one looking for a "tgurl top" I am quite confused myself. I have two kids, and am afraid that if he is truly looking, and looking on cl what is he doing? What can he bring home to me and my children?
    I don't know if this is a fad, if he's gay and afraid to come out, or if he needs a girlfriend like me to make everyone else think he is a, "typical family man"
    Please help me sort out my mixed emotions. I just want someone to be real and honest. He doesn't know that I have seen this. I was trying to sort it all out in my head first, so I can truly understand, and not act out of ill emotion.
    Thanks

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by aquakarine
    We trust each other and I trust him enough to know he hasn't met with any of them, I'd like to hope not. But there's no way of finding out even if he had because I don't think he would tell me.
    He obviously doesn't trust you if he's keeping secrets and refusing to talk!

    You are bending yourself into pretzels, trying to "let it go" and keep the relationship going. You are trying to preserve a lie! The relationship you thought you had is gone.

    Open your eyes and acknowledge the relationship you current have: The man you love is hiding things from you. He is chatting with other people for sex. Whether he has met with them or not, he has already gone outsides the bounds of a monogamous relationship. Furthermore, he hasn't been open about his true sexual orientation. He has fantasies and curiosities you can never fulfill (since you are not a woman who was born with penis!).

    Now think carefully on how you want to proceed. You do want to give him the green light to have sex with t-girls? Is there any distinction, in your mind, from him have sex with other cisgender women? (Women who were assigned female sex at birth, like yourself)

    Or would you rather end the relationship and find a man who values fidelity and will not pursue sex outside of the relationship?

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