Awful story (avoid this thread if you're triggered by murder and abuse)

I'm sorry for only opening threads about awful stuff, but I was watching this story on youtube and I was appalled. I feel sick. How did no one found it strange that he benefited life insurances on people who died in strange circunstances?? And how do you make life insurances without the person involved knowing/having a say on that? How did the baby have a life insurance the mother didn't know about? I'm not a lawyer, but is this even possible?

He acts and looks like the spawn of devil.

On a constructive note, I notice that these psychopaths almost always have this in comment (dirty john, that other con artist on the own documentary I don't remember the name, etc):

- Love bombing: always too much too soon. They always want to move in as soon as possible.

- Lack of transparency about their assets and despite claiming having money, it's usually the partner who supports the psycho

- Get abusive if things don't get their way

I know that many of these men (and women) are very charming and convincing and that we all can fall in this trap, but I think it's detrimental when meeting someone specially online where there are no mutual friends or references to:

- Be aware of people who say they love you and lovebomb before getting to know you

- Never move in with someone so soon and certainly not having important information on the person's job and financial situation

- Never make decisions on moving in or marrying without getting to know family and friends first. Most of these sociopaths/narcissist don't have a good relation with family. Also important that the person has transparency on their assets and job before accepting to marry or living together

- If it feels shady, it probably is. I'm not saying to distrust someone's job for example, but if they're speaking the truth it will show up in a natural way, like meeting work colleagues and stuff.

- If their past relationships are filled with drama and weird stuff, avoid. Be aware of custody battles, previous marriages and etc before making decisions towards that person. If they leave a trail of destruction behind and have a contentious relationship with all their past partners and with their family, then it's a red flag to consider.

- Same precautions above and even more before having kids

- I don't know how to do background checks in my country nor where I live now because I don't think information records are public, but if you have access to it, do it before taking things to the next level.

Anyway all I can say is that I feel sorry for all the lives taken by this man and the other ones he destroyed in the way.

Great advice!

I agree about being extra cautious and all the points you made.

Sad we have to be cautious in this day and age.

Good points.

Never suppress the gift of common sense.

Great points, but.....

Keep in mind also that many many psycho/sociopaths are highly socially skilled. They can actually be highly successful in their careers and liked and even loved and revered by many people. Not to mention that while in extreme cases you might dig up a dark past, in most cases, there is nothing to dig up. So any reliance on background checks is liable to give you a very false sense of security and safety. Your greatest clue IS love bombing. Being aware when someone is mirroring you just a little too well AND actually listening to your gut that something is off and you need to run and actually doing so. It really comes down to your ability to stay in touch with your inner skeptic, to stay grounded, to remember that anything that sounds too good to be true, is a problem.

Ultimately, being susceptible to a rapid fire fairy tale approach is an internal problem of loneliness, ego, etc. Some inner weaknesses that we need to be aware of so we do not get lost in Hollywood style fairy tales of love at first sight and gosh this person thinks I'm sooo amazing (that's your ego getting stroked). When it comes to the victims of these people, there is that huge aspect of personal responsibility in the form of "I want to believe this bs." Yes, the victims can be otherwise highly educated, intelligent, successful, etc. It's not about that, it's about emotional health. Career success and intelligence don't necessarily go hand in hand with emotional health or emotional strength. You can be great in one and poor in the other.

I read awhile ago a rather fascinating article on these types of people and they are predators in the most literal meaning of the word. In this particular study, those who tested very high on the psycho/socio pathological scale had an unnerving ability to identify people who are either physically or emotionally hurting, while normal people were completely oblivious to the clues and couldn't discern the "injured" people from the crowd at all. These predators could literally single out a weak prey out of a crowd of people like nothing. It's as natural to them as breathing. My take away from that is if don't want to become a victim, be sure you don't act like an injured prey. This means checking yourself and your emotional health, maintaining a certain level of healthy scepticism and having a good grip on your ego, aka don't be easily flattered. More than anything, don't make dating decisions out of loneliness, desperation, and insecurity. Most people get caught because....lonely and desperate for a relationship, any relationship and when these predators latch on, they are too ready to accept the bs.

What an amazing post, DancingFool.

I think a lot of times people have trouble wrapping their heads around the fact that not everyone walking around living lives with us are decent people. There are literal predators. There's a certain degree of Pollyanna thinking going on a lot of times "Lalala everything will be fine. Oh heavens, I'm just a sweet little thing, how could I know?!". Again, to do with poor emotional health and not fully competent in taking responsibility for ones life. Literally, the weak in the herd.

What's amazing is how many like this come here and post on enotalone. You wonder, not if but when something bad will befall these folks who walk in dating minefields as though it's a stroll in the park.

The practice of love bombing is perhaps the brightest warning lamp. We feed into it by wondering if love at first sight is true, wondering what that experience is like, wanting to be available to that experience.

In truth, if someone knows within two weeks (after knowing you through your shared community), they will respect your need to know at your own pace. If someone has just met you AND claims to love you, it is obvious they are mistaken. They don't know you; what they love is their idea of you, if they love anything at all. If a person claims love, and pressures you to act as if in love in return, then they do not love you. Period.

Centuries of literature ask us to consider the romantic idea of love at first sight. The Austen novel Pride and Prejudice holds our interest in part because of the high standard Elizabeth and Darcy want to see in one another; it is as if they experienced Love* at first sight, *subject to a prolonged due diligence process. Their ultimate union is regarded with a high degree of respect, precisely because they adhered to their own values at the expense of their friendship (until they learned more). This demonstration of integrity foretells of a lasting foundation. Love bombing does not.

P & P undermines the idea of love at first sight. A lengthy review process is required. We would do well to remember it.

Great points, but.....

 

Keep in mind also that many many psycho/sociopaths are highly socially skilled. They can actually be highly successful in their careers and liked and even loved and revered by many people. Not to mention that while in extreme cases you might dig up a dark past, in most cases, there is nothing to dig up. So any reliance on background checks is liable to give you a very false sense of security and safety. Your greatest clue IS love bombing. Being aware when someone is mirroring you just a little too well AND actually listening to your gut that something is off and you need to run and actually doing so. It really comes down to your ability to stay in touch with your inner skeptic, to stay grounded, to remember that anything that sounds too good to be true, is a problem.

 

Ultimately, being susceptible to a rapid fire fairy tale approach is an internal problem of loneliness, ego, etc. Some inner weaknesses that we need to be aware of so we do not get lost in Hollywood style fairy tales of love at first sight and gosh this person thinks I'm sooo amazing (that's your ego getting stroked). When it comes to the victims of these people, there is that huge aspect of personal responsibility in the form of "I want to believe this bs." Yes, the victims can be otherwise highly educated, intelligent, successful, etc. It's not about that, it's about emotional health. Career success and intelligence don't necessarily go hand in hand with emotional health or emotional strength. You can be great in one and poor in the other.

 

I read awhile ago a rather fascinating article on these types of people and they are predators in the most literal meaning of the word. In this particular study, those who tested very high on the psycho/socio pathological scale had an unnerving ability to identify people who are either physically or emotionally hurting, while normal people were completely oblivious to the clues and couldn't discern the "injured" people from the crowd at all. These predators could literally single out a weak prey out of a crowd of people like nothing. It's as natural to them as breathing. My take away from that is if don't want to become a victim, be sure you don't act like an injured prey. This means checking yourself and your emotional health, maintaining a certain level of healthy scepticism and having a good grip on your ego, aka don't be easily flattered. More than anything, don't make dating decisions out of loneliness, desperation, and insecurity. Most people get caught because....lonely and desperate for a relationship, any relationship and when these predators latch on, they are too ready to accept the bs.

Yes.

The challenge is, of course, being able to protect oneself when one is already on a weak foundation. It is vexing.