My partner lied to me and I’m not sure how to proceed.

I found out by accident this week (from someone other than my boyfriend) that for our entire relationship he has been lying about having a degree. Now I don’t care about having a degree or the status but I’m so hurt that he has spent the past year lying to me with no real reason.

Part of me feels like I’m over reacting but now I wonder if there are other things he has lied about. I’m very big on trust and throughout all of our issues the one thing that we’ve always had is honestly with eachother so this has come as a big kick in the teeth.

He was angry initially when I calmly confronted him about the lie but now is extremely apologetic. How do I move on? I just feel so sad and mislead, I’m trying my hardest to look past it but it’s just there in the back of my mind, how do we overcome this?

How did you meet? How did you find this out? What did he say he had a degree in or went to school? Do you have a degree? Unfortunately he sounds insecure, but that's no reason to fabricate stuff.

 

He was angry initially when I calmly confronted him about the lie but now is extremely apologetic. How do I move on? I just feel so sad and mislead, I’m trying my hardest to look past it but it’s just there in the back of my mind, how do we overcome this?

I am wondering how you confronted him. Did you ask him or accuse him?

Re the lie itself, lying used to be a flat out dealbreaker for me, but as I have grown and matured I base my decision on the type of lie it was and why he lied, and the nature of our relationship.

Perhaps this would be a good time to discuss why he felt so insecure with you that he needed to lie?

It might actually turn out to be a positive, an invitation to discuss the deeper issues that result in a couple becoming closer and building intimacy.

That is what I would do depending of course how strong our connection was and how the relationship had been faring up to this point.

I found out by accident this week (from someone other than my boyfriend) that for our entire relationship he has been lying about having a degree. Now I don’t care about having a degree or the status but I’m so hurt that he has spent the past year lying to me with no real reason.

Part of me feels like I’m over reacting but now I wonder if there are other things he has lied about. I’m very big on trust and throughout all of our issues the one thing that we’ve always had is honestly with eachother so this has come as a big kick in the teeth.

He was angry initially when I calmly confronted him about the lie but now is extremely apologetic. How do I move on? I just feel so sad and mislead, I’m trying my hardest to look past it but it’s just there in the back of my mind, how do we overcome this?

His anger towards you would be more concerning to me than the lie itself.

Rather than admitting the lie, taking responsibility, taking ownership, what did he do? He turned it against you, in anger.

Me no likey.

His anger towards you would be more concerning to me than the lie itself.

 

Rather than admitting the lie, taking responsibility, taking ownership, what did he do? He turned it against you, in anger.

 

Me no likey.

Yes. For me personally it would be a dealbreaker because it's not just about "status" and it's also of course about the lie and his reaction makes it even worse. But I'll share this. My friend started dating a guy who told her -because he felt insecure -that he'd graduated college early -meaning he was smart and finished early. He had graduated college but not early. I believe he confessed after they were dating a few months. I thought it was really weird and she was concerned too. But she forgave him. They've been married over 20 years. I don't believe there were any more lies.

Oh and I don't think you need to be big on trust to find this a dealbreaker. You can just have typical views about trust - no need to justify your reaction IMHO.

Yes. For me personally it would be a dealbreaker because it's not just about "status" and it's also of course about the lie and his reaction makes it even worse. But I'll share this. My friend started dating a guy who told her -because he felt insecure -that he'd graduated college early -meaning he was smart and finished early. He had graduated college but not early. I believe he confessed after they were dating a few months. I thought it was really weird and she was concerned too. But she forgave him. They've been married over 20 years. I don't believe there were any more lies.

 

 

Oh and I don't think you need to be big on trust to find this a dealbreaker. You can just have typical views about trust - no need to justify your reaction IMHO.

The fact that your friend's husband confessed it, rather than waiting to be confronted, makes a huge difference to me. Plus the fact that in the OP's case, he went straight to anger.

The fact that your friend's husband confessed it, rather than waiting to be confronted, makes a huge difference to me. Plus the fact that in the OP's case, he went straight to anger.

Yes, you are right. I was trying to be somewhat balanced!

At any given moment, I think we're always kind of battling two selves: our actual self vs. our aspirational self. The trouble with relationships is some people use them as a short cut to their aspirational self, which kind of sounds like what your bf did, OP. He is insecure, wants to be someone he isn't quite, and kind of used you a bit to project his ideal self and see it realized.

It happens? Where to go from here? Well, that's up to you. If you're still curious about him, and can see this lie as a vulnerability he wasn't ready to share, there can maybe be room for growth, closeness. Granted, I don't know the specifics, but everything about this lie speaks to being insecure about his intelligence, his standing i the world, which is kind of sad and sweet. It's a soft spot he was hiding, by the sounds of it.

That said, maybe for you a lie is a lie is a lie, and that's that. Or maybe deep insecurity is a dealbreaker, and you certainly don't want your sheer presence making your partner insecure. That's just a recipe for tension, distance.

Still, I'd try to talk to him about it with a cool head, gather some information, be true to how you feel once its gathered.

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