I cant move on from something amazing, need advice

Hi guys,

We broke up for external reasons to do with work life balance, business trips as well as future distance fears and family, she eventually became distant, fell out of love and she didn't want to give it another shot, I know its the cliche but my girlfriend really was the best, I was so lucky to have her and my mind, my phone and my memory is full of so many wonderful things, I adored her for the time we were together and she adored me. We never thought about other partners, trusted each other deeply and had a wonderful and balanced relationship. There was no bad moments, fights or things we couldn't agree on truely and in my free time I can help but think of our plans, what could have been and all the time we spent together, she's still my dream girl and im not sure what to do internally.

How do I do it? How am I supposed to move on from this, Im hurting every day and I want and need to become emotionally stable but all the advice is to think about bad times and scornful ex's but it wasn't like that for us, she's still my best friend and I cant abandon her and she cant abandon me even now. Does anyone know how to think mentally about something like this? is it just time? or is there a way to ease the pain, ive tried talking to other girls but it hurt us both when either she or I talks to other people.

kind regards,

g

It's not just you, I know it's a hard pill to swallow and this story is deeply personal to you but these feelings have been felt a million times before, I've felt a lot of this myself.

How many relationships longer than a couple of months (honestly) have you had in your life?

Regardless of this answer you need to break contact, I know this sounds horrific but you will just be getting dragged through the emotional grinder until you do and the healing process wont start until then. The comfort you find in her will not help you.

You could be friends again one day but this has to come first

Your use of the word "abandon" is telling. You're not abandoning her by not hanging out with her, OP. Your thinking is flawed on that. She is an adult, and will manage on her own. Just as you will. It will hurt, but you need to change the self-talk here. Neither of you is helpless without the other. It's about self-preservation now.

In your previous thread (https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553154&page=2) we advised you that you need to put an end to the cozy friendship you have going on. You don't want the same things. Sooner or later, she will meet someone else. Will you really want to hear about that, support her through her first-date jitters with, listen to her account of how things went and when she'll see him again? Best friends share those sorts of things, you realize. How much will you really want to be her best friend then? You won't, because it will suck rocks.

Unless and until you emotionally detach from her and give up the false notion that you simply cannot be away from each other, the pain will continue for you. Other advice about healing will be futile if you don't let go and realize you cannot be friends right now.

It's not just you, I know it's a hard pill to swallow and this story is deeply personal to you but these feelings have been felt a million times before, I've felt a lot of this myself.

 

How many relationships longer than a couple of months (honestly) have you had in your life?

 

Regardless of this answer you need to break contact, I know this sounds horrific but you will just be getting dragged through the emotional grinder until you do and the healing process wont start until then. The comfort you find in her will not help you.

 

 

You could be friends again one day but this has to come first

Thanks phoenix,

I watched that video a while ago, ive had a couple long term relationships, but this one was different to the other (my first adult relationship?), like my previous post were trying to stop seeing each other but its not quite that simple with work both projects and being there mean we have to interact and see each other.

Thanks phoenix,

 

I watched that video a while ago, ive had a couple long term relationships, but this one was different to the other (my first adult relationship?), like my previous post were trying to stop seeing each other but its not quite that simple with work both projects and being there mean we have to interact and see each other.

And that's understandably going to be hard. But you need to stick to just that, and not continue seeing or interacting with each other outside of work.

Ive taken on your advice from the previous post about not seeing her socially but I still have to interact with her on work projects nearly every day, we share a joke or so but ive put a stop to actually talking about cozy stuff just formal work. My issue is moving on, I would love some advice on the other aspects of healing or on how to see her in my head, its there that I idolise her and I feel my feeling rebounding every time I think of fond memories or see something that reminds me of her.

Your use of the word "abandon" is telling. You're not abandoning her by not hanging out with her, OP. Your thinking is flawed on that. She is an adult, and will manage on her own. Just as you will. It will hurt, but you need to change the self-talk here. Neither of you is helpless without the other. It's about self-preservation now.

 

In your previous thread (https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553154&page=2) we advised you that you need to put an end to the cozy friendship you have going on. You don't want the same things. Sooner or later, she will meet someone else. Will you really want to hear about that, support her through her first-date jitters with, listen to her account of how things went and when she'll see him again? Best friends share those sorts of things, you realize. How much will you really want to be her best friend then? You won't, because it will suck rocks.

 

Unless and until you emotionally detach from her and give up the false notion that you simply cannot be away from each other, the pain will continue for you. Other advice about healing will be futile if you don't let go and realize you cannot be friends right now.

Ive taken on your advice from the previous post about not seeing her socially but I still have to interact with her on work projects nearly every day, we share a joke or so but ive put a stop to actually talking about cozy stuff just formal work. My issue is moving on, I would love some advice on the other aspects of healing or on how to see her in my head, its there that I idolise her and I feel my feeling rebounding every time I think of fond memories or see something that reminds me of her.

Ive taken on your advice from the previous post about not seeing her socially but I still have to interact with her on work projects nearly every day, we share a joke or so but ive put a stop to actually talking about cozy stuff just formal work. My issue is moving on, I would love some advice on the other aspects of healing or on how to see her in my head, its there that I idolise her and I feel my feeling rebounding every time I think of fond memories or see something that reminds me of her.

My best suggestion would be to take a look at the bigger picture, really. You were together 6 months, which is the honeymoon period. Everyone is one their best behaviour then. What you idolize is based on only a fraction of who she truly is. When a relationship is so short, it seems amazing because you simply haven't spent enough time together to view the other person in all circumstances and conditions. That's not to say she isn't a great girl, but you're looking at her through the idealized lens of the honeymoon period.

She isn't perfect. Nobody is. More importantly, she wasn't the perfect one for you. If she were, she'd reciprocate your feelings and be with you now.

The rest of it is down to time and space. You can't imagine moving on now, because the break-up is still fairly fresh and you haven't totally adjusted yet. Trust the process, in that spending more and more time away from her will lessen your desire to be with her.

OK, you need to find a way to make no contact or at least very limited contact work you just have to or this will drag on and on and you will still be posting here in a couple of years time. Could you change job? (Yes this is that important)

But ignoring that please drive it into your head that she was not "The One" you were not lucky to have her you deserve to have amazing people in your life. Out of the tiny sample size of relationships you've tried you found an awesome person? That doesn't suggest that she was "The One", that suggests that there are so many "Ones" you blindly stumbled into one within a few goes. You WILL find another!

Some of the way you are talking sounds a little like co-dependency. It's horrible to hear but the way you might think relationships should work isn't the reality of how good relationships actually work.

Handing each other the keys to your self esteem is not how strong relationships are built, strong relationships are built by 2 (or more!) self fulfilled people complimenting each others lives.

Your life is about YOU, people will drift in and out of it, some will leave you, some will die. The only predictable part is that you will be there to experience it.

Build yourself a strong core, build your self esteem and strength on your own foundations. When you have that you can throw yourself completely into anything or anyone because you will know that when the waves hit they might mess up the flower bed but the lighthouse (you!) will still be there standing firm.

For me, it helped blocking him completely and deleting all pictures of him. I even deleted ones without him in it, just seeing images of myself when I was with him during that time would make me sad. So basically I cleared my phone. It sucked because I was really happy during that time... but he turned out to be a bad person and I still struggle with not at all "hating" him. Sometimes I think it would better if I did hate him, but who knows.

I don't think you could remain friends with her, even if you think you could. I think it would prolong your healing process. I would make a clean cut.