Divorced. Apart 2yrs. Npw trying to get backs together

I have been trying to get back with the ex wife after having gone through a divorce and being apart for 2 years. We divorced due to the fact she lies too much and never admits even when shown proof. As long as she knows u dont absolutely no the truth, she sticks to her lies. She has also always been shady, talking to different guys. She does not have long conversations with them. Its as if she banks them for later. Like incase we breakup, she has a plan in place. I see this as disrespect to the relationship. She also says she has a low sex drive, but her history seems to suggest every guy she has ever been with, it was just sex. She never had a proper boyfriend except me. We dont communicate well, and l have initiated the breakup because she shutsdown when we have a situation and she says she feels attacked.

Since we started talking in January. She said to me she never was with anyone during the last 2 years because l hurt her so bad with the divorce. She told me we should take it slowly. She was not into sex with me at the beginning saying she doesn't need to rush into anything. We started having sex, but maybe once every 2 weeks. She assured me there was noone else. Last week, l found out she was dating someone while we were apart. Not a big deal, but why lie about it. She could have not said anything or just said yes, l was dating someone but its finished now. She is free to date whoever she wants. Then l also found out there is a guy who comes over to her place mostly at night when the kids are asleep. The messages are not explicit, but are the nature of a booty call. Its always, hey are you awake, can l come over. Sometimes she doesnt see the messages until the morning, sometimes he comes over. I confronted her with this and she said he comes over to talk. He is like a little brother to me. He is 5 years younger than her. I asked her sister about this guy, she said l have seen him flirting with her, but l have never seen your ex wife respond. The message that messed me up is when she responded to him, not tonight, l dont have the energy to give you what you need. She is saying l am reading into the message wrong. He just wanted to talk and he goes on and on. I dont know what to do. We are going for counselling today. I am hurt l think she is doing this, and we are not officially back. But we reassured each other that noone else is involved and l find this hard to deal with. How do l trust her going forward. Lying when she has a right to see whoever she wants and she claims l have things in my head that l need to deal with. We have 2 kids together and none from other people. The kids were getting used to us being together again and l dont want to break their hearts.

How do you even know what their messages say? Where and how are you getting access to these?

Look, you divorced for what sounds like very valid reasons. Keep it that way and find someone who respects you.

Why are you trying to get back with your wife? What's wrong with you? You're divorced. You shouldn't be sleeping with her. Do you not understand what you just wrote? She's sleeping with all these different guys. She lies. She argues. She doesn't like you. You should move on with your life. You go to pick your kids up, then you drop them off and leave. You don't stay around for sloppy seconds or sloppy thirds. Have some pride in yourself! Get your self-esteem back.

It sounds like you never trusted her and your incessant interrogations, snooping, accusations, etc came off as controlling, paranoid and jealous. No one can live like that. You are even trying to continue this abuse and slither back into her life with interrogations, accusations, etc. She's right that you need to get your head together.

How do l trust her going forward. We have 2 kids together.

I have been trying to get back with the ex wife after having gone through a divorce and being apart for 2 years. We divorced due to the fact she lies too much and never admits even when shown proof. As long as she knows u dont absolutely no the truth, she sticks to her lies. She has also always been shady, talking to different guys. She does not have long conversations with them. Its as if she banks them for later. Like incase we breakup, she has a plan in place. I see this as disrespect to the relationship. She also says she has a low sex drive, but her history seems to suggest every guy she has ever been with, it was just sex. She never had a proper boyfriend except me. We dont communicate well, and l have initiated the breakup because she shutsdown when we have a situation and she says she feels attacked.

 

Since we started talking in January. She said to me she never was with anyone during the last 2 years because l hurt her so bad with the divorce. She told me we should take it slowly. She was not into sex with me at the beginning saying she doesn't need to rush into anything. We started having sex, but maybe once every 2 weeks. She assured me there was noone else. Last week, l found out she was dating someone while we were apart. Not a big deal, but why lie about it. She could have not said anything or just said yes, l was dating someone but its finished now. She is free to date whoever she wants. Then l also found out there is a guy who comes over to her place mostly at night when the kids are asleep. The messages are not explicit, but are the nature of a booty call. Its always, hey are you awake, can l come over. Sometimes she doesnt see the messages until the morning, sometimes he comes over. I confronted her with this and she said he comes over to talk. He is like a little brother to me. He is 5 years younger than her. I asked her sister about this guy, she said l have seen him flirting with her, but l have never seen your ex wife respond. The message that messed me up is when she responded to him, not tonight, l dont have the energy to give you what you need. She is saying l am reading into the message wrong. He just wanted to talk and he goes on and on. I dont know what to do. We are going for counselling today. I am hurt l think she is doing this, and we are not officially back. But we reassured each other that noone else is involved and l find this hard to deal with. How do l trust her going forward. Lying when she has a right to see whoever she wants and she claims l have things in my head that l need to deal with. We have 2 kids together and none from other people. The kids were getting used to us being together again and l dont want to break their hearts.

Nothing has changed. The reasons you left are are still there, more solidly then ever.

How do you plan on connecting with someone who wont be honest with you. Whom exactly do you plan on being in this relationship with...whatever false persona she trys to project?

1. She is 100% having sex with this guy that comes over to talk at night.

2. Go no contact except what is REQUIRED for your children....immediately.

Buddy, go back and read your first paragraph. There is so much criticism in that, so much anger, so little respect, so little hope for a solid foundation. So why, I ask, are you taking the trouble to even go down this road with someone you've already gone through the very hard road of divorcing? THAT is the stuff for counseling, right there.

Look, your ex sounds like the kind of person who "lies" in order or project the version of herself she hopes to inhabit: i.e. an innocent damsel who goes into celibacy mode when she's crushed by a divorce, as opposed to, say, an actual human who does all the things humans do when crushed by divorce, like have sex with other humans because they're sad, lonely, horny, whatever. Without really thinking, she's trying to preserve some version of herself, maybe some version that "worked" way back when when the two of you first got together. She is lying to herself, in other words, as most people do, and it's those who get close (you) who become casualties to those lies. This will not change for you. This will change when, and if, she learns to accept herself.

I get that you're frustrated, because it's like you see and accept the true her, the person she has become, that she refuses to see and accept. Been there! Like, with my ex, I was always trying to get her to accept that she was interested in other men, found them attractive, had fantasies, because I could tell that was the case and, well, I don't live in some weird 1950s world where we use hallmark cards as bibles. I kind knew we needed that new layer of honesty in order for our relationship to move forward and not become a lie itself. But she always told me how "crazy" this was, even as she started sleeping with other men. Fun!

Moral of the story: there is a woman out there who will be honest about all this stuff, and in that honesty you'll find trust, closeness, fire, fun, the works. But it's not going to be your ex-wife, no matter how hard you "work." I'm doing it now, dating a wonderful woman with whom (miracle!) we can joke about still going onto dating apps and swiping around for little hits of attention/distraction while also trusting that what we have is real. Not for everyone, sure, but works for us at this early juncture.

Remember that person you divorced? That is EXACTLY the person you're trying to get back with, no upgrades, no changes. I fear you're opening up a world of hurt to dodge the low-simmering hurt of being alone. Not a recipe for rainbows, that.

Listen man..... I understand why you would want to get back with your divorced ex-wife. You want to bring your family back together and be a single unit. However, you need to be looking out for the best interest of yourself. Imagine you needed to go away on a business trip to some remote city and you were in conferences all week. Do you want to be in these conferences thinking about who your ex is with, or who might be over your house while the kids are at school, or who she’s texting, etc etc.

You don’t need this in your life!

Trust me, I’ve been there. Liars don’t change. It’s like they need to lie in order to be themselves. It’s part of them. Taking that away from them is like taking an engine out of a car and expecting it to run. Liars are always, mostly, master manipulators as well. They will lie and manipulate you in trying to get what they want. Then, even gaslight you when you try proving them wrong. This makes you question your damn insanity! I’ve been there man! Trust me..... I have kids too. You’re going down a rabbit hole. Don’t do this to yourself.

Ask yourself this.... how has she changed? What has she done to prove to you she changed? Just telling you that she’s been hurt because you divorced her doesn’t mean she changed. How many books did she read? How many therapists did she see? How can you track her progress in her changing? Is all of this even worth the effort?

Stop rewarding her for her bad behavior! Go out and date other women. Get to the gym. Go to self-growth events. SPend time with your kids. Eat more healthy. Read books. Gain better relationships with your friends. Then, when you have grown and have clarity, you will NOT want to go back to this!

Become desirable man. Not just to her, but to an abundance of women. Then, you’ll have your choice of women. Honestly, it seems like you didn’t find anyone else in 2 years, so you may be feeling lonely, and thinking that she may be the only option you have. Nah man.... get that out your mind.

Just my .02

Thank you everyone for your comments. I stopped everything with her yesterday. I was in denial and trying to justify everything. She is who she is and still insists that she never slept with the other dude. I told her we have nowhere to go. We had planned a trip to Cancun which l wanted to cancel. The oldest daughter is 8 and we wanted to surprise her. So she went ahead and told her about the trip and said l didnt know she wasnt supposed to know. That just got me mental. Trying to use the kids for us to stay together. Although it has sunk in that she will never change, l am devastated and shattered to the core. I just want to scream at someone. Just came to visit my mother for the weekend with the kids. Trying to clear my mind and plan a way forward. Blame myself for trying to get back with het even when l knew exactly what she is

I since come to realise l was only needed for my financial resources. I cut the child support and nursery fees l was giving. Then after a lot of back and forth on how l am making life hard for her. I said all l want is to provide for my family even if l am not appreciated. All l need is a little respect. She suddenly started being nice because she thought l was backing down. Apologising for not showing enough appreciation for what l do. Then l asked if she is willing to to prove to me nothing was happening. She went silent. I took a 3.5hr train back to London and tool my car back. She has since blocked me. I know this is over and just need to accept this is how life has turned for me. She is the one who ed me. I clearly see what kind of person she is. I am just venting. I know l will be stupid to even think we could be together. This is just too personal, thats why l am writing hear. It hurts and it is difficult to move on. I am mot short of women who want to be with me. Its because l know they are not really into me, but what l cam provide for them or the life l can give them. Thats why l always go back to this evil woman who has my 2 kids. This will be the 3rd time we have split up. I am not looking for solutions. I know exactly what l nees to do and l am doing it. Its just sometimes l need to unload so l come here. I have been following the threads here for over 5 years and had never posted. Its just nice to get impartial insight.

I since come to realise l was only needed for my financial resources. I cut the child support and nursery fees l was giving. Then after a lot of back and forth on how l am making life hard for her. I said all l want is to provide for my family even if l am not appreciated. All l need is a little respect. She suddenly started being nice because she thought l was backing down. Apologising for not showing enough appreciation for what l do. Then l asked if she is willing to to prove to me nothing was happening. She went silent. I took a 3.5hr train back to London and tool my car back. She has since blocked me. I know this is over and just need to accept this is how life has turned for me. She is the one who ed me. I clearly see what kind of person she is. I am just venting. I know l will be stupid to even think we could be together. This is just too personal, thats why l am writing hear. It hurts and it is difficult to move on. I am mot short of women who want to be with me. Its because l know they are not really into me, but what l cam provide for them or the life l can give them. Thats why l always go back to this evil woman who has my 2 kids. This will be the 3rd time we have split up. I am not looking for solutions. I know exactly what l nees to do and l am doing it. Its just sometimes l need to unload so l come here. I have been following the threads here for over 5 years and had never posted. Its just nice to get impartial insight.

You do not cut child support to your children in retaliation against your ex -- that really hurts your kid. Be the bigger person by financially supporting your kids -- here at least you can't just randomly decide to cut child support on your own. And your children will be healthier if you can coparent with her instead of being in and out - sometimes you are banging mom and sleeping over and sometimes you are not. So stop trying to get back together and go to a mediator or an attorney to be given proper scheduled visitation with your kids vs being around them if you perform sexual favors for her or act like you are getting back together. you can't punish your kids for you and your ex not working out.

I did not just cut the child support. I was giving more than double the amount to help her. So l cut it to just a little over what was agreed in mediation. When l say l took my car back. Her car broke down and l gave her my car to use until hers is fixed. The kids are on school holiday for the next weeks. I am paying the bill for her car to be fixed. £1,500. I dont have to do that. She doesnt show any appreciation, she thinks its her right to use my car and me pay for hers. It has never been finance for sexual favours. The nursery fees, she gets the bulk of it paid by the government, but l was giving half, £500, when l should have been giving her maybe £120. All l am doing now, is make sure l provide for what the kids need, not try and make her life easier. She is a grown womam, she should look after herself. I even suggested taking the kids fulltime if she struggles. She can see them whenever she wants. But she knows that will mean no more child support.

I have 50/50 custody with the kids. They r with me half the time. I do all their homework with them. Have all their clothes and toys with me. They never have to pack their stuff when they come to me. I moved closer to where she lives so that l can be able to see my kids more often. I cook everyday for them and help them with bathing. I take them to school and pick them. do everything a mother does. I am not the typical runaway father. I go on holidays with them by myself. I have always been there for my kids and will always be there. She wants to use child support to supplement her income. I always never minded giving her extra thinking it would be best for the kids, but l have since realised l am enabling her and she will always be dependant on me. Her mother even told me because of everything l do, she feels entitled. Thats why she always comes back to me, for the life l give her.

I know my posts dont require much input from u guys. I am just venting, because l dont want to go into too much detail with someone l know.

I did not just cut the child support. I was giving more than double the amount to help her. So l cut it to just a little over what was agreed in mediation. When l say l took my car back. Her car broke down and l gave her my car to use until hers is fixed. The kids are on school holiday for the next weeks. I am paying the bill for her car to be fixed. £1,500. I dont have to do that. She doesnt show any appreciation, she thinks its her right to use my car and me pay for hers. It has never been finance for sexual favours. The nursery fees, she gets the bulk of it paid by the government, but l was giving half, £500, when l should have been giving her maybe £120. All l am doing now, is make sure l provide for what the kids need, not try and make her life easier. She is a grown womam, she should look after herself. I even suggested taking the kids fulltime if she struggles. She can see them whenever she wants. But she knows that will mean no more child support.

 

I have 50/50 custody with the kids. They r with me half the time. I do all their homework with them. Have all their clothes and toys with me. They never have to pack their stuff when they come to me. I moved closer to where she lives so that l can be able to see my kids more often. I cook everyday for them and help them with bathing. I take them to school and pick them. do everything a mother does. I am not the typical runaway father. I go on holidays with them by myself. I have always been there for my kids and will always be there. She wants to use child support to supplement her income. I always never minded giving her extra thinking it would be best for the kids, but l have since realised l am enabling her and she will always be dependant on me. Her mother even told me because of everything l do, she feels entitled. Thats why she always comes back to me, for the life l give her.

If she has no other means and has primary custody of the kids, yes, you fix the car or get her a loaner because if one of your kids had to go to the hospital, she would have no way to take them.In the future instead of giving extra money -- buy a grocery store card, buy shoes for the kids or whatever the need truly is. that way it doesn't go to getting her nails done or whatever.

I am really struggling to cope. On one hand l love her and l miss her, on the other l hate her. I know she will not change and never loved me. Knowing that doesnt make me feel any better. I am trying to move on, l went to see a girl l was seeing before l got back with the wife. I spent the weekend with her, but deep down l know this is not where l want to be. Although she is extremely into me and l dont wanna be the guy to break her heart like mine has been broken. My ex has not shown any concern about how l am feeling, but literally told to off. In her head, l am the one who ed up going thru her phone (which is fair) and not believing her story that the other dude was just coming to talk. If u r being lied to u end up having to do things u r not proud of to get to the truth. I get it this will never work and its over, l am depressed and forcing a smile and acting like l am okay, and saying life goes on. But my lifeis at a standstill right now. I am broken and wish these feelings just go away and l can start afresh. Sorry for venting

I am really struggling to cope. On one hand l love her and l miss her, on the other l hate her. I know she will not change and never loved me. Knowing that doesnt make me feel any better. I am trying to move on, l went to see a girl l was seeing before l got back with the wife. I spent the weekend with her, but deep down l know this is not where l want to be. Although she is extremely into me and l dont wanna be the guy to break her heart like mine has been broken. My ex has not shown any concern about how l am feeling, but literally told to off. In her head, l am the one who ed up going thru her phone (which is fair) and not believing her story that the other dude was just coming to talk. If u r being lied to u end up having to do things u r not proud of to get to the truth. I get it this will never work and its over, l am depressed and forcing a smile and acting like l am okay, and saying life goes on. But my lifeis at a standstill right now. I am broken and wish these feelings just go away and l can start afresh. Sorry for venting

Try staying away from dating for a bit. Also keep occupied, give yourself only 10-15 minutes to feel sad a day about your ex, get in the gym again. It does get better but allow yourself to feel the emotions

I really hate myself right now. I wish l could just die to get away from this pain. Love is a very complicated emotion. I hate love, why do l have to feel tjis way. I just wanna disappear.

Listen.... I don’t know what your current physical health is.... but you NEED to get into a gym and start strength training. IT’S NECESSARY! I’ve been where you are.... 4 year relationship.... cheating..... having to find out the hard way.... still have to see her to get my daughter.... still paying her money for my child.... all while she seems happy with the new guy she cheated on me for.... etc etc etc....

This is the same theme most people go through. It took me 8 months post breakup to step into a gym. I was EXTREMELY depressed, anxious, and in constant pain EVERY SINGLE day. I tried committing suicide. When I say it was bad.... IT WAS BAD. Now, when did I wake the F! Up? When that rope snapped and I ended up on the floor balling my eyes out. Knowing I lost my family and the privilege to wake up next to my daughter every morning. I knew that nobody was going to come pick me up but myself.

Know what I did? I channeled all of those negative emotions through those heavy weights that allowed me to grow. It’s now been another 8 months since and I am in the BEST shape of my life; physically and mentally. I’ve read dozens of books on relationships, communication, co-parenting, self-growth, and controlling your thoughts. I use the gym as my medication, and YES, I still need to check myself mentally sometimes. But, I am FINALLY free from the mental purgatory of always thinking of my ex and my mistakes, etc. I feel good!

Please, give this a shot and you’ll see after a while that you’ll no longer care. And when she notices how much better you look, physically, and how you act more mentally positive, then you’ll not only get your revenge, but you’ll move on and be free.

Nobody here can give you an answer that’ll make you feel better. Your venting doesn’t do anything for you. Get under a barbell and vent in your head while bench pressing. Now, you’re venting is doing something..... it’s allowing you to grow.

NOTE: I was extremely unhealthy when I stepped in the gym. After a month, I started seeing changes. How you look on the outside, reflects on how you feel on the inside. It’s important to be on a proper diet while you’re working out, too!

Good luck!