Really confused! What do I do now!

My bf of 4 years dumped me. We were both each other's firsts and there was no cheating/abuse/3rd person involved. We were also best friends.

The week when he broke up was when my sister got engaged and I just gave him the news and he told me that he doesn't like the idea of marriage and losing freedom and how it's better to stay in a relationship without all the drama of involving families. I didn't know what to say and I thought maybe it's just a bad phase because he's been really busy and stressed about finding a new job and preparing for it. I could understand that because I was too was dealing with somewhat similar stress too.

A week later he told me he didn't think he wants to marry anyone at all and he didn't want to string me along although he did love me, he said he doesn't feel he's ready and every thought of being tied down so early (we're in our mid twenties) gives him a panic attack. He also told me that this wasn't the first time he felt it and he tried to ignore the thought a couple of times but it didn't go away. He said he felt bad to do this to me.

The moment he said it idk what triggered inside of me, it felt like someone turned on the panic-mode switch on me and I couldn't turn it off. I tried to ask him if there was something bothering him and he denied it. He said he needed time to think over it and that we've been together for so long that he didn't know what it was like to be single again. Then the next day he just said out of the blue that he felt like he has to tell me everything, all the time. Then brought up a story of months ago when he said had to hide the fact that he got really drunk so that I didn't feel bad (idk why he hid it from me though). He just kept on giving me different reasons every time I asked him why did he thought it was ok to end what we built together. Some of those reasons were - you're too nice and it's intimidating, you seem ready and I am not sure if I'll ever be, you are planning things around me, you are trying too hard (idk what that meant), I lost the will to try, every couple in the office said that they are not happy with their marriage and there's a lot of burden involved and that people change after getting married, etc

One thing that I really really regret is that I kept begging him to stay when he decided to breakup. The breakup was abrupt, he said a lot of things he'd normally never say. He apologized the next day and said he wants to reconsider things and he needed a month's time again. I tried to stay calm and waited the entire month and then asked him if he reconsidered anything, to which he said that he felt more at ease when he didn't think about it and that he wasn;t thinking about it at all. I decided if he was happier without me, it was better to leave things as is and I told him I'll accept the decision of breaking up. We tried being friends but I just couldn't. He was being hot and cold the entire time, super nice one second and hating me the next. I needed to get back to normal and we stopped talking for a month.

A month later I texted him because I really missed him(didn't tell him that I did) and he told me he thought about me at least a 100 times every day and he doesn't want to try to move on. He was also hoping I didn't hate him or blamed either of us for this. I was still angry about him giving up on us so easily but tried to stay cool. I asked him if he'd change his mind in the future and he said "I can't say no" but he didn't want to date anyone right now. I ended the conversation and texted him again a few days later and he gave me mixed signals again. He keeps telling me that he misses me, and what we had was awesome and and he really enjoyed my company but when I try to ask him if that meant that he wanted to give things another try he says - not right now. Also, he said he immediately regretted his decision after breaking up but it had to be done. I told him more than half of the problems he told me could've been fixed my communicating, and now that we know that we can do something about it. He said he knows that and that's a different case.

I don't understand this at all.

I am not on talking terms with him again because every conversation ends with me being rejected again, it is so painful. I feel guilty because I agreed on staying friends with him earlier and I wasn't able to do it, and it would be unhealthy because I will always expect something more.

He hasn't tried to contact me and we have a lot of mutual friends who told me that he seemed happy. It's been over 4 months already..

I am miserable right now. I do want him to be happy but I really wanted him to not just walk away so easily. Do people just someday decide they don't need a relationship even when they said they liked the person?

We have a lot of mutual friends and they were all shocked because we used to be the "couple-everyone-looked-up-to".

All this is making me so sad, I am unable to focus on anything. I never saw this coming.

I'm sorry for you pain appsample.

I don't think there is much to be confused about. He has been quite clear.

He clearly misses you and thinks about you. This is quite normal after a break up with a long term partner. However he is happier being single. Being single is what he wants and he has been very clear about that. Some people go cold after a break up, some people move on immediately. He has done neither of these thing which makes you think there is a chance. And whether there is or not, no one knows. But right now? No, he is done.

It seems like he felt a lot of pressure in the relationship and the thought of committing even more was too much for him. He has listened to his instincts and done the right thing for himself and he does not seem to regret it which speaks volumes.

Now its up to you to accept this break up and move on with your life without him. This will take some time of grieving but you will get there. Again, I'm sorry.

He gave you a million reasons he no longer wanted to be tied down. He cares, having the normal emotions of missing you and regrets, but unfortunately doesn't care enough to work on being lifetime partners. If he'd really wanted this to work, he would've told you when issues arose, what he wanted you two to work on.

He's not ready to take the relationship to the next step, which would mean a normal progression to moving in together or marriage. It's best that you don't hold out hope for getting back together, because when a person is ready to be serious again, it's usually with someone else.

You haven't given yourself time for closure since you remained in contact until recently. Make sure you stay no contact so that you can go through the steps of mourning, which will eventually lead to healing. Don't ask your friends about him and tell them you don't want to hear news of him. He was your first love, and we all have one. You will be starting a new chapter in life, and although it's hard to see a bright future, believe me, it's there. Pamper yourself with things you love to do and the support of girlfriends. Take care.

Is there absolutely nothing I could do to save this relationship? I really thought he was THE ONE.

@Charity @Andrina thankyou so much. I really appreciate it. I've been dealing with series of mental breakdowns and I hope I am able to heal after all this.

Is there absolutely nothing I could do to save this relationship? I really thought he was THE ONE.

You haven't been in a relationship for four months. Once a person ends it...that's it. Relationships need two people to be committed. He's not.

Break up's are awful. I know how hard it is. But step one is accepting that there is no longer any relationship with him. I advise that you send him a message asking him not to contact you again. And you shouldn't contact him again either. You need to grieve and he needs to live with the consequences of his choice.

You will be okay in time, I promise.

I am so sorry. How painful.

The relationship is over. He does not have the necessary feelings to make any type of future with you. He is done.

You cannot be friends. You must end all contact and block this guy.

He would have to be on the same page as you regarding the relationship. Clearly, he isn't.

Instead of contacting him once a month to try to see if he's changed his mind, a better course of action would be acting as though you accept the breakup even if you don't yet. That means no calls, no texts, no perusing his social media, no questioning his friends and family. Act as though he went away somewhere where contact is not possible.

Eventually you will come to see that someone who doesn't feel the way you do about a relationship is NOT "the one".

PS: There is not only one "the one". Impossible.

I'm sorry for your loss. After 4 years, I'm sure it feels like a piece of you went with him. You have a two-fold job here: mourning the loss of your ex and mourning the loss of your hopes/dreams/imagined future with your ex. He's made it clear that right now and for the foreseeable future he does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. That doesn't mean he lost all love for you, but in his heart he didn't desire a lifetime commitment with you. A lot of people feel they need time to be single and free in their young years. Sadly, you met each other young and "sowing his wild oats" is currently taking priority.

Go no contact and stay there. Delete and block him on social media. Work on accepting that you need to rebuild your life without him and start focusing on YOU. The path to healing is a long one, but your prolonging your pain by trying to change his mind. There's a pretty simple rule to follow here - once someone has rejected you once, you bounce and don't look back. Your rejecting yourself by letting him reject you over and over again. If he comes around in the future with genuine intention to commit to you, you can decide what to do then. Right now there is no choice to make but moving on and moving forward.

My bf of 4 years dumped me. We were both each other's firsts and there was no cheating/abuse/3rd person involved. We were also best friends.

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If you were each others first, I can only assume you are fairly young

Please know that developmentally you both grow exponentially during your late teens and early 20's. At no other time in your life will you go through the changes you are going through. It's pretty text book that a relationship started in your teens no longer suites one or the other a few years later.

I have 2 sons and I can tell you they felt there were things they needed to do and accomplish before they settled down. My oldest broke up with his girlfriend for the exact same reasons. The had been together for 3 years and he didn't see him self getting married for at least another 5. The pressure for him to hold out and feel uncertain was too much so he let her go.

I know it's probably not much consolation to you, but it's pretty normal.

I am sorry you are hurting.

We never dated anyone until we met each other, we're both 25 year olds.

I guess I need to grow too. I have to learn how to be by myself, I was so used to being around him.

Thanks so much :* I hope your son finds whatever he is looking for, emotional burdens can be the worst to deal with.

Thankyou everyone!

All our friends have been telling me that he'll change his mind eventually, probably because they've known both of us for so long (7 years!).

I've never googled/posted for help before. I decided I should at least get some outside perspective and so I came across this forum, I should've done it way before. I had no idea this issue was so common.

I literally cried myself to sleep yesterday after I read the comments here, but I guess this is what I needed to hear. Rather than false hopes.

I am so glad I found this forum.

I will follow all of your advises and work on myself and try to give priority to other things in life and see where things go. I've been a mess lately.

Once again, thankyou + hugs!