Partner left my and our 2 children after 17yrs feeling lost

My partner left me and our 2 children saying she wanted more from life, i asked her to try and resolve our issues she said she would try but has admitted since she had no interest in trying this was the middle of February towards the end of February i found out a work colleague of hers had also split up with his partner, a few days later i drove past them sitting together in his car she denied he was the reason she was leaving and that anything had ever happened between them but also saying she didnt know if she would be with him in the future, saying this man didnt want a relationship so soon after just coming out of one i didnt believe her and she left our house that day i spoke to this man through social media who said he had no interest in my ex and didnt see her in that way i showed my ex what he'd said and she acted like she wasnt bothered i also asked if she would be with him in the future and she got angry and replied obviously not, i feel she wanted to break up give this man time to get over his relationship and she'd be waiting for him. as soon as i showed her what he'd wrote and she'd spoke to him her story changed it wasnt about wanting more from life it was about us we argued to much didnt go out enough she loved me but wasnt in love with me that it had been coming for a long time even though when she left she didnt have a penny to her name and had to sleep on a friends sofa and borrow money to eventually move into a house share i also found out she'd had been telling her work colleagues how unhappy she was in her relationship how i controlled her stopped her living her life all round bad person, Her friends now believe im such a horrible human being i pushed her to the point of leaving her 2 children.

She is now living in a single room drinking heavily has had 2 one night stands that im aware of has twice decided to drink instead of coming to see our children after telling them she would be there i dont want to be with her anymore but she is and always has been a great mom but i can slowly see our kids drifting away from her they are annoyed she comes round when it suits her in the week then at the weekend no contact all on her terms

i dont know how to resolve this situation i cant talk to her about how it makes the kids feel to only be there when it suits her and how they feel when they realise she isnt there at the weekend because she is drinking if i say anything im trying to control her life

my daughter has self harmed which my ex knew about but kept from me when i eventually found out we both took our daughter to the Doctor who told the doctor the reason she self harms was because her mom left this changed nothing, my sons school work has started to suffer both kids have mood swings my daughter seems very angry my son has shut down wont talk stays in bed all the time i have no idea what to do i cant get through to my ex all she says is everything will be fine the kids are fine ive spoke to them.

how can i help my ex if i even should and how do i tell help my children

You cannot help your ex. Is she your ex? I mean, has the divorce been final?

Should i assume you never were married since you say "partner".

If you are married still, you may have some pull to get her into rehab - but other than that i don't know.

Continue to take the kids to counseling, not just a regular doctor.

Go to an attorney to establish your rights as far as the kids go.

You can end up limited or controlling her visitation and the level of influence she has.

Well, I think you've got to get things back on a routine at your house. Make sure the kids get up and dressed every day. Don't let them hang out in bed or cut themselves. Get them signed up for summer activities or send them to camp. Make sure they know that mom did not leave because of them. Tell them that you're not going to leave them and that you love them forever. Tell them that you need their help to be their dad. Try to give them as much support as possible. Don't expect your "ex" to be back too soon and start preparing now to go on without her.

I’m curious. After 17 years you never asked her to marry you?

You just happened to nonchalant drive by her in a car with him?

I feel like your story is incomplete