Should you force yourself to get out there?

It's been almost five months since I went NC with my ex, and I'm honestly doing great. It's very rare for me to think much about the breakup at all. After the breakup, I initially tried to date some and went on many first dates, but I stopped after a bit and concentrated solely on my healing. I can say for sure that it was the right choice to not rebound. I healed far quicker than I have in the past and feel good about myself. I can also say that I have gotten my health in order and feel like my life has returned to normal.

Despite all of this, however, I haven't had much of an urge to date. I've tried two different online dating sites, but so far it hasn't amounted to much. I don't find myself attracted to a lot of people, and while I'm quite social, it's hard to meet people in real life. The problem is that I really do want a relationship and feel ready to be in a new one if the opportunity presented itself. I guess I'm just trying to get opinions on if one should force themselves to date even though it's not particularly enjoyable or wait and see if someone interesting happens to pop up. As a side note, I never had sex with anyone else after the breakup and miss that terribly, but I'm not one to hookup with strangers (and in the past it didn't really help me move on much either when I was hurting).

What?! You’re my NC Advice Queen. Ugh

Ha ha, don't worry Cubby, I have no interest in breaking NC. I just don't know if I should be making more of an effort to date or not. I like being single but I'm also interested in having a long-term relationship.

Thank you, SweetGirl. My therapist suggested something similar, but I sometimes have my doubts that someone will come along if I just wait.

I have been on NC for almost a year. And please, don't force yourself to date and don't have sex with strangers as well. Just focus on yourself and keep moving towards your growth. And one day out of no where you'll 'the one'. Just have faith on god!

Cheers!

All things in good time, there is no hurry. Forcing yourself into places when you are not ready is the best way to end up back where you started soon after the break up, just with someone else.

Take it easy, enjoy life, no point trying to jump right back into the saddle. Let it happen organically, find a hobby group through Meetup.com or similar, and get out and do stuff with like minded people. Get to know them and just go with the flow.

No! For the love of God. People have got to quit using dating sites as coping mechanisms.

If you're in no place to walk up to a woman in person and introduce yourself and get to know her, you're in no place to be trolling dating sites. And that's exactly what people who are not over their exes but on dating sites are doing, trolling, because it's easy.

Remember in The Lion King where the hyenas want to go chase the wildebeests but the other hyena says no you have to wait and one says " can't I just pick on one of the little sick ones?" That's you right now preying on an innocent girl who genuinely wants to get to know a man. Go to the dating board on any day the amount of wishy washy dudes who are confusing and hurting people because they present themselves as available bachelors when that's simply not the case.

I'm serious go over there one day and read the posts. It's cruel to do that to people.

Heal first, then date.

Thank you for all the replies, guys! I won't force it and just go with the flow for now. Online dating is a pain anyways.

Figureitout - I'm convinced you didn't read even the initial post of the thread, let alone other's responses. First off, I am a straight woman interested in meeting men. Second, I AM healed. I started that very clearly. I realized after posting the thread that I should have put it in the "Dating Advice" section, but that's no excuse for your rather inappropriate reply. And lastly, my issue is certainly not being afraid to approach people in real life, though some argue that women "shouldn't" approach men. I just am not sure what venue to do so in. Bars are really not much better than online dating. Suggestions of places to go are welcome.

Thank you for all the replies, guys! I won't force it and just go with the flow for now. Online dating is a pain anyways.

 

Figureitout - I'm convinced you didn't read even the initial post of the thread, let alone other's responses. First off, I am a straight woman interested in meeting men. Second, I AM healed. I started that very clearly. I realized after posting the thread that I should have put it in the "Dating Advice" section, but that's no excuse for your rather inappropriate reply. And lastly, my issue is certainly not being afraid to approach people in real life, though some argue that women "shouldn't" approach men. I just am not sure what venue to do so in. Bars are really not much better than online dating. Suggestions of places to go are welcome.

It is frustrating and can make me feel more lonely... but like you, I want to be in a relationship.

So..... I think the best thing (for me anyway) had been low key on line dating.... I took my pic down. and if someone interesting asks me for it, i provide it. I actually feel more comfy this way. (hard to explain)

its not about finding anyone, its about finding someone I'm interested in.

I think the on line dating pool is full of sharks, so i think I'm gonna research meet ups as others suggested.

Oh, online dating is definitely full of sharks! Don't want to have sex on the first date? You'll probably be pressured. I'm quite good at saying no, but I also hate having to say it repeatedly, and if I know that pressure is coming after each date it sort of kills the whole experience for me. So far, I've never met anyone genuinely looking for the same type of relationship as me via online dating, but I know it's not impossible since others have succeeded.

I actually did join a meetup group or two, but the people in the group were far older than me (I'm 26 and the average group member was in their 40's). I'd love to hike or play games with others, but I'm not sure how useful it will personally be for me to use as a dating tool. Still, it's probably better than me doing nothing at all.

Thank you for all the replies, guys! I won't force it and just go with the flow for now. Online dating is a pain anyways.

 

Figureitout - I'm convinced you didn't read even the initial post of the thread, let alone other's responses. First off, I am a straight woman interested in meeting men. Second, I AM healed. I started that very clearly. I realized after posting the thread that I should have put it in the "Dating Advice" section, but that's no excuse for your rather inappropriate reply. And lastly, my issue is certainly not being afraid to approach people in real life, though some argue that women "shouldn't" approach men. I just am not sure what venue to do so in. Bars are really not much better than online dating. Suggestions of places to go are welcome.

I apologize. You're a woman. Everything else stands. It's not rude, it's honest. as a single person seeing the pain and confusion other single people deal with because people WHO ARE NOT READY won't stay off dating sites, I don't think I'm wrong to point out to people still healing,it's not a good idea to pull innocent people down with you. You ARENT ready, you said so yourself. Heal. My point about approaching people in person, it takes effort to actually want to meet someone and start a relationship, passive time wasting is what people who aren't ready to date do on dating websites and if they arent ready to date they aren't going to put in that effort in person whereas online dating takes no effort.

The saying if often time true. If you have to ask you already know the answer. Me pointing out that you're potentially hurting someone else isn't mean or rude, actually doing it is.

I think it's ok to just do what you enjoy. If it's a meet up, go do it.

Don't wait for something to happen though. Something may, but work on you and do what you enjoy and when you are ready, you will just know and perhaps things start more naturally whilst you're out enjoying your life?

Maybe choose the middle ground? Like if you meet/see a guy who peeks your interest, go ahead and go on the date and simply see how it goes and keep an open mind. Basically don't force yourself to date just because and don't force isolation either because either extreme is not good.

Don't pro-actively date if you're not ready. Just don't.

Some people might state otherwise, but I've been there and done that.

It becomes counter-productive.

Heal naturally and you'll know when you're ready.