Struggling With Break Up, Too Many Decisions, Where To Start?

I'm not the sort of person to normally turn to forums for help but I don't know where to turn.

I'm a 31 yo male and I've been with my partner for 3 years. We both have children from past relationships.

Last year I broke her trust by texting my ex (children's mother) over the course of a month some very flirty messages/pictures. I'm not going to make excuses, I haven't tried to defend myself to her, the only reason I have given is that last year I felt very down and I enjoyed the attention - but it is not an excuse. This happened in August LY.

In January this year my ex decided, for a completely different reason, to text my partner and tell her what had gone on. As you can imagine my partner was very hurt.

We spoke about things for weeks and eventually she decided, in her words, that "the thought of being without you is worse than staying with you" and she wanted to give things another go. So much so that we progressed our plans for moving in together and moved in to a beautiful house 8 weeks ago.

Obviously moving in together is a stressful time anyway but I have been whiter than white; completely done up the house and had a glass of wine waiting on her getting home, arranged family bbq's, told her every day how beautiful she is and I love her and making plans to do things. We were meant to be going on holiday tomorrow for 5 days (a Christmas present I bought her).

Last Saturday, following a petty argument about something minor, things just imploded. She told me to leave and she to cancel the holiday and that my daughter was selfish and the relationship would never work cos my daughter would always get her own way.

Within 24 hours she had arranged to move out to a new property.

I have spent the last 10 days talking to her and telling her how we can work and I love her but she is adamant she is going this Friday.

So here's my questions:

- I've now had to give up the house and I am moving out myself on the 8th June. Do I find somewhere else to live now or move back to my parents for a while?

- She's said to me that once she's moved out and "got her head straight", we can "see if we can start again and build up our relationship"

- What do I do about the holiday? It's non refundable and cost me over £1000. One of my friends has offered to go with me however she's female. Nothing would ever happen with that friend but it may still look bad. But I could do with getting away and the head space.

- How do I try and explain to my kids that they won't see my partner again?

- How do I get over her?

Sharing some experiences may help. I guess I just need some help in making these decisions because I feel like I've lost the ability to make a decision myself and I'm crippled. All I want to do is sit in bed all day.

Sorry to hear this. Where did you live before moving in together? Unfortunately it sounds like the transition to blended family wasn't working out. What were her objections to your child raising and what were the petty arguments about? Do whatever you have to, to move and recover. Same with the holiday, take a friend or family member instead. Who is the female friend that suddenly came forward? Is it an ex or old flame? How did she know things imploded with your gf?

She told me to leave and she to cancel the holiday and that my daughter was selfish and the relationship would never work cos my daughter would always get her own way. Within 24 hours she had arranged to move out to a new property.- How do I try and explain to my kids that they won't see my partner again?

Sorry to hear this. Where did you live before moving in together? Unfortunately it sounds like the transition to blended family wasn't working out. What were her objections to your child raising and what were the petty arguments about? Do whatever you have to, to move and recover. Same with the holiday, take a friend or family member instead. Who is the female friend that suddenly came forward? Is it an ex or old flame? How did she know things imploded with your gf?

Hi. Thanks for replying.

We lived separately before; she in her flat and me in mine. She'd lived in her flat for 3 years having divorced from her husband. I lived alone in my flat for 7 years.

On the face of it the issues she had with my child was that "your kids remind me of your ex, who you've been unfaithful to me with", referring to the messages last year.

However I do genuinely believe there was more to it than that such as my children get attention from me which distracts the attention away from her.

The petty arguments have been about lots of things but the one last Saturday which was the catalyst for this was because my little girl wanted to take a friend to the carnival and I said it was ok. Because of that my partner said that the weekend was ruined because she'd told her son he couldn't have a friend over to stay as we were having "family time". I asked if he wanted to bring his own friends, but she said no. I offered to go back to the carnival later with her and her son, she said no. I explained that it really wasn't a big issue because realistically, her 10 yo son would do different things to my 3 and 7 yo daughters at the carnival anyway and they don't all play together. But it was a blanket no.

The friend that's offered to go is literally just that. No history there at all. She knows things imploded because I told her and asked a wide group of friends if anyone could go with me.

Blending families is very hard. Rarely do people see eye to eye raising kids they share much less children to whom they’re step parents to. Step parents are often expected to love and raise children as if they were their own but get none of the glory or admiration bio parents do. Compound the issue with fact that you cheated with the mother of the children.... it’s a recipe for disaster. Idk if there’s much of anything you can do to get her back. Just give her time.

Most mentally healthy people don’t decide to move out, splitting up a blended family and cancel expensive vacations on the spur of the moment, based on a petty argument about a “ruined” weekend.

This is something she has been thinking about for a while.

These are all very drastic (and expensive! Having to hire movers again or even do it yourself, etc) measures. No one enjoys moving. Lol!

This, in combination with “once I get my head straight maybe we can try again” AND that she didn’t give other indications or wait until after the holiday (which most people would have been looking forward to) - would make me suspect that there is someone else. (Also, when someone cheats it’s not uncommon for the other person to cheat in retaliation). I’m not saying that’s for sure the case... I AM saying that it would explain a lot and I would be highly suspicious.

Either way, these are all very drastic measures that can’t be taken lightly. If she feels THAT strongly about breaking up, this is not something you can easily patch back together. To me, it could take years of working things out before you get to that place of trust again.

For moving, I think you should find your own place. One that you like and can see yourself living in for years.

For the vacation, I would go with your friend if you want. It doesn’t matter now. Your ex has basically thrown a grenade on everything. Go have fun. Can you bring your daughter?

For moving on, I think you should assume it’s over and take time on your vacation to think about setting a new course for your life. Where do you want it to go now that you are single? Set new goals and plans for yourself.

There is NO way that you should chase someone after they make a drastic decision like that. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you cheated. If she chose to forgive you and move in with you and build a life with you - that all should have been over. SHE is the one who messed up now. If she wants to get back together down the road, that’s on HER to prove she is trustworthy now, IMO. And using your daughter as a breakup “excuse” should be pretty close to unforgiveable, IMO.

Unfortunately, she's never forgiven you for that. It's sad that after only 8 weeks living together it's falling apart. The cheating and the lack of coordination with kids and her resenting yours all spells disaster. Perhaps her departure from your and your kid's lives is for the best.

"your kids remind me of your ex, who you've been unfaithful to me with", referring to the messages last year.

I'm sorry but I think you have to face that this has been brewing for a long time and the break up didn't happen over a petty argument. It really goes back to the cheating and some other issues apparently and the fact that she has been carrying a lot of anger and resentment and hasn't been able to get past that and forgive you and move forward. At this point, it's just over and I wouldn't even consider taking her back again to try and work things out again. Basically, don't get into an on/off toxic cycle. You both gave this a chance, it didn't work. Time to call it a day on this.

There is really not much to do at this point but accept that this is over, take some serious lessons away from this and, when you are ready, start over fresh with someone else. Meanwhile, you'll need to go back to living on your own as you did before the move - start looking for a place immediately. As for the vacation, it might be a good idea to go and use that time to get away, get some distance, perspective, have fun, clear your mind.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is very painful I'm sure. That being said there is no way you can let this ground your life to a halt. You need to do everything for your kids right now. They need to be your driving force to go no contact and move forward. Do not question everything right now, just do. Be a robot.

"So here's my questions:

- I've now had to give up the house and I am moving out myself on the 8th June. Do I find somewhere else to live now or move back to my parents for a while?

+++I would do whatever is easiest, but how are you going to feel living with your parents. That may not be the best solution.

- She's said to me that once she's moved out and "got her head straight", we can "see if we can start again and build up our relationship"

+++I would not put any weight in what she has said.

- What do I do about the holiday? It's non refundable and cost me over £1000. One of my friends has offered to go with me however she's female. Nothing would ever happen with that friend but it may still look bad. But I could do with getting away and the head space.

+++Go on the holiday. Period. Maybe there is someone waiting to meet you there.

- How do I try and explain to my kids that they won't see my partner again?

+++I don't know how old your kids are, but kids are very resilient and perceptive. You don't need to explain anything to them. If they ask just tell them things didn't work out as planned right now and leave it at that.

- How do I get over her?

+++Time. Only time is going to help, that and No Contact. No contact is a time for you to take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, indulge in your work and/or school and your kids lives. If they play sports be a coach or helper. Volunteer and take up a new hobby that helps improve yourself.

But do not just sit around, that will be the worst thing you can do. Go out with family and friends. They are the people that love you.

Post here whenever you feel the need to. We are all here for you.

Mitch