Confused by his behaviour

Hi I am new here and not sure where this should be posted as we weren't 'dating' but it seemed more fitting here than anywhere else so hopefully I am in the right place.

 

I will try and keep this post short as possible but need to include all the details.

 

I met a man while walking my dogs, we were in the same place at the same time everyday so I got chatting to him. He added me to social media and arranged to walk the dogs together since we were doing the same walk everyday. I met him twice two weeks ago as friends nothing more. We then got on to flirting, sexual innuendos etc and he started blowing hot and cold. Like he was really interested in flirting and wanting fun but never asked to meet up to walk again. We both made it clear we don't want a relationship and he was looking for a friend's with benefits.

 

He kind of invited himself out with me to walk the dogs together a week ago (10 days after I had last seen him). He was flirty with me and came on to me, wanting some outdoor fun which I wasn't up for. It was too cold for a start and I didn't feel I knew him well enough after only meeting 3 times. Now i know he's only after fun/sex so it didn't offend me but I'm not going to be someone's one night stand as I'm worth more than that.

 

After our walk I put a random post on my snapchat "everyone thinks I have loads of men on the go. Wrong. I talk to one man at a time. They f.... up one at a time. And I cut them off one at a time. Single file please" it wasn't aimed at him or anyone. It's just my humour. He had kept making comments over the weeks like 'u must be getting me mixed up with your other men'. I just laughed it off. So I think he took my random post personally and instantly put a post on his saying "I have that personality where I speak my mind and it pi.....s people off".

 

I text him a couple of times after this (this is within an hour after leaving him) and he seemed very off. No flirting as usual so I left it there. He hasn't been in touch all week but was viewing my stories on Snapchat which made me think he's still interested in seeing what I'm up to?

 

Well yesterday I took the dogs out and seen him drive past the usual place where we walk. So I text joking on:

ME: I've just seen you, you must be dodging me are you (with a laughing face).

HIM: where, in the car?

ME: yes you drove past me.

HIM: I was on my way to the beach further along to walk the dog

ME: I had just came back from there but went to our local beach as the dogs didn't get a good walk, are u avoiding me haha.

HIM: yes I was waiting for u to come back (rollseyes smiley) obviously sarcastic.

 

I made a comment about the beach he was at and he didn't reply. I could tell he was still off with me so I text and said did my post offend you last week or is it because I wasn't up for some fun in the freezing cold. He read it but hasn't responded.

 

I am so confused by his behaviour. What have I done wrong? I have been worried about bumping into him all week as I don't know whether to say hi or just pretend I don't know him since he gone distant.

 

He told me he's emotionally unavailable and not looking for a relationship and I am not either as I've had a very difficult year trying to forgot my narcissist ex and what he put me through so I'm happy single. This one has really got into my head as he's just reminded me how awful men treat me so I've been upset and confused about it. He is 44 and been divorced for 4 years, no relationships since but told me he had a wild 18 months messing around so seems to have been honest with me about what hes looking for. He told me he runs when women show an interest but I have not came across that way at all, just flirting back, never asked to see him etc. I should mention that when I posted a photo of me going out, he would text saying enjoy your date, hope hes worth it etc. I just laughed it off and put him straight that theres no man on the scene, Im out with friends. But when I done this to him, he would reply back saying I have a suspicious mind! even though I was joking and I was only doing what he was doing to me. He's really hard to work out.

 

He lives directly opposite my friend so I know there's no secret woman in the background. He doesn't seem to go out either. I'm just so confused and hurt and hoping you all can help me understand this behaviour.

>>I'm just so confused and hurt and hoping you all can help me understand his behaviour?

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Having read your post, I'm a bit confused myself.

 

He told you he's emotionally unavailable, doesn't want a relationship and neither do you.

 

But yet you're hurt and confused, may I ask why?

 

What is it you are wanting from him?

 

He's already told you he's not available, and just wanted a sexual thing (FWB), so not quite sure what there is to be confused and hurt about, unless you had another story going on in your head about how things would play out.

 

All that said, I would suggest that instead of trying to understand "his" behavior (which behavior seems perfectly clear to me --> he wanted sex, you didn't and therefore are no longer any use to him, sorry), you focus on *your own* behavior and reactions and why you're so drawn to narcissistic (your ex) and emotionally unavailable men who don't want a relationship with you.

I'm confused by how he has treated me, going distant just because I didn't want outdoor fun. I don't want a relationship but wouldn't want to be used for a one night stand either if that's what you can call it. We both made it clear neither of us want a relationship so no harm in being fwb.

 

I had only met him 4 times over two weeks so didn't feel comfortable with him yet. He knows I was up for fun but it was too soon and I was put off with outdoor fun.

 

It's his behaviour that has hurt me because it's brought it back how badly my ex treated me and I feel like this man has just wanted a one night thing then run, Not the Fwb thing we chatted about. One night stand and fwb are totally different.

I'm confused by how he has treated me, going distant just because I didn't want outdoor fun. I don't want a relationship but wouldn't want to be used for a one night stand either if that's what you can call it. We both made it clear neither of us want a relationship so no harm in being fwb.

 

I had only met him 4 times over two weeks so didn't feel comfortable with him yet. He knows I was up for fun but it was too soon and I was put off with outdoor fun.

 

It's his behaviour that has hurt me because it's brought it back how badly my ex treated me and I feel like this man has just wanted a one night thing then run, Not the Fwb thing we chatted about. One night stand and fwb are totally different.

 

First off, your not wanting to have sex is perfectly understandable, so no need to be defending your feelings about that at all!!!

 

Be proud that you have boundaries and know how to maintain them!

 

That said, not sure how experienced you are, but when a man suggests sex, FWB or whatever, and a woman turns him down (as you did), if said man does not want a "relationship" it's quite typical for him to distant himself.

 

So to me, that's not confusing at all. Words mean jack **** if not followed up by actions. And his actions here speak volumes!

 

Harsh reality: You didn't want sex, one night stand or whatever, you serve no purpose for him anymore.

 

For you this should be a big NEXT! Not concerning yourself with what he's thinking.

 

Re feeling hurt, read your own last paragraph above. Your hurt is based on your past, bad memories of your ex who treated you poorly (which *you* allowed by choosing to stay for as long as you did) so own that, deal with that, it's important.

 

Forget about this man, he doesn't matter.

 

Focus on you! And your own choices and reactions.

 

Otherwise, you will continue feeling confused and hurt by emotionally unavailable men who have nothing of value to offer you!

 

This has become such a cliche around here, but this is on you, not the men you choose to interact and get involved with, no matter how briefly.

Writing a novel about a man who you want a FWB situation with means you're not ready for a FWB. You haven't even been with him yet and you're already emotionally distraught. And I've never known a FWB situation that works out. Usually the woman develops feelings and wants more, and is then upset when the FWB relationship doesn't transform into exclusivity and something serious. Also, what one person expects might not be what the other is game too. How often do you communicate? Can you F other people? And the relationship is short term and has to end at some point, when one of the parties doesn't want it to.

 

I think you're fooling yourself about what you want. You seem to have baggage from the past. I suggest working on yourself solo, making a beautiful life for yourself as a single lady, and only then will you be ready for a new partner. I suggest going for a real relationship of substance--much more rewarding in the long run. Take care.

I've been working on myself for a year since my last serious relationship ended (badly). I was in a relationship with an awful man who controlled what I wore to how i wore my hair, jealous, insecure and cheated on me the whole time.

 

I am much happier single and don't want another man. I can't even be bothered dating and wasting time getting to know men to go through all the games, lies and stress. This man came along and well it seemed different, we met naturally too. I am just confused as to why he kind of ghosted me and went distant just because I wasn't up for outdoor sex that day.

 

I'm usually the one giving my friends advice as they are actively dating but I find it hard looking at the situation when I am in it myself, trying to look at what went wrong etc hence why I have came here to ask others views on it.

 

I have never had a man distance himself on me like that so the whole thing confused me.

 

I've had friends with benefits in the past but it was more like a relationship without the status. Go out together, no dating others etc. I agree usually one catches feelings and wants more. I definitely don't want a relationship though but don't want no games. Both parties need to agree on what the benefits are before getting involved so no one gets hurt.

Ewwwwwwwww girl!!!! Stay away from this guy!!!!

 

You like the challenge because you refused him and he pulled away and now you're pulling at him.

I don't care if you want fwb and not a committed relationship because I'm at the same place you are I'm not going to trust right now and I need to wait and let the right guy find me but nooooooo!!!! This guy already shows behavior indicative of running off fast. It would be one night and I guarantee he'd ghost on you. He's very insecure to make those comments to you.

He already doesn't trust you, and fwb should contain a degree of respect for the other person. Otherwise it's an f buddy and you dont want that. Take a different path and avoid him. Lose his number. He's a player. You know my last ex would do that to me. "It wasn't me, must have been you're other guy", "I guess I'm not on your text list" if I went a day not contacting him. These insecure guys will never trust you, fwb or otherwise. Stay away.

You really should think twice about making social media posts like that. It makes you look immature and unapproachable.

You really should think twice about making social media posts like that. It makes you look immature and unapproachable.

 

 

Lol is that meant for me? I get approached often. This is about yesterday in another thread you didn't like what I said but it's okay. We are all different. Don't read it :)

Lol is that meant for me? I get approached often. This is about yesterday in another thread you didn't like what I said but it's okay. We are all different. Don't read it :)

No, what? It's meant for the OP.

I'm usually very good at working people out but not with him, he's so confusing. He tells me he split with his ex four year ago as she had issues. She would accuse him of going to the gym to look good for others. But he's showing these signs to me (so I think its him with issues) when I post a photo he will text "hope he's worth it" or "enjoy your date". We aren't even in a relationship and I felt like I had to keep explaining myself. He did come across insecure or jealous by those texts. Yet ghosts me when I refused sex.

 

He posted a photo of a meal so I commented saying "who you trying to impress" obviously joking on as that's my humour. But he replied saying I have a suspicious mind (yet it's ok for him to send the texts about my photos). I think he tries to turn his issues around and make it look like I'm the crazy one. When I lay it out like this, I'm Starting to think he is a narcissist.

 

I guess I'm just trying to work out what he is all about and why he went distant/ghosted when I refused sex. But it's brought all the bad memories back of how badly my ex treated me and just makes my barrier even higher. I don't let no man close to hurt me again so I guess I'm emotionally unavailable too as I push men away that show an interest in me since I'm happy single.

No, what? It's meant for the OP.

 

Sorry :) what was immature and unapproachable though? She is kind of egging him on.

She's having ex memories messing with her mind right now, like so many of us.

It's like a double edged sword. Be alone, seek casual, or jump in and not feel anything.

Relationships are too hard. I go back and forth too with my feelings. Means it best to stay solo.

I'm usually very good at working people out but not with him, he's so confusing. He tells me he split with his ex four year ago as she had issues. She would accuse him of going to the gym to look good for others. But he's showing these signs to me (so I think its him with issues) when I post a photo he will text "hope he's worth it" or "enjoy your date". We aren't even in a relationship and I felt like I had to keep explaining myself. He did come across insecure or jealous by those texts. Yet ghosts me when I refused sex.

 

He posted a photo of a meal so I commented saying "who you trying to impress" obviously joking on as that's my humour. But he replied saying I have a suspicious mind (yet it's ok for him to send the texts about my photos). I think he tries to turn his issues around and make it look like in the crazy one. When I lay it out like this, I'm Starting to think he is a narcissist.

 

I guess I'm just trying to work out what he is all about and why he went distant/ghosted when I refused sex. But it's brought all the bad memories back of how badly my ex treated me and just makes my barrier even higher. I don't let no man close to hurt me again so I guess I'm emotionally unavailable too as I push men away that show an interest in me since I'm happy single.

 

 

He's arrogant, confusing, and not confident. Don't waste your thoughts on him.

I know all about the bad memories resurfacing. It just means your gut is telling you this is not a guy to get involved with.

Sorry if my original post was not clear. As a guy, when I see this on social media:

 

everyone thinks I have loads of men on the go. Wrong. I talk to one man at a time. They f.... up one at a time. And I cut them off one at a time. Single file please

 

If it's someone with whom I'm involved, I'll think it's about me. If it's a random, I think "wow, he/she is immature and unapproachable. He/she shouldn't air their dirty laundry on social media."

Sorry if my original post was not clear. As a guy, when I see this on social media:

 

 

 

If it's someone with whom I'm involved, I'll think it's about me. If it's a random, I think "wow, he/she is immature and unapproachable. He/she shouldn't air their dirty laundry on social media."

 

Oh. I agree. I post nothing to social media. I have fb but I don't use it except for messenger to keep contact with some friends that moved far out of state, and my cousin in Spain. I see lots unloaded on there though, and it looks like they have a point to prove to people but ya it comes off as being immature doing that. Sometimes compulsive and mental too.

The post was on my snapchat story. He posted his aimed at me on his instagram. I don't like social media so have deactivated Instagram now. I just use my snapchat to post stories of what I'm up to and random memes which I find funny. They aren't directed at anyone but usually explain my life. My friends always say you must have loads of men after you, you must be dating etc but im not interested in getting involved with the dating game. This man has said the same to me over the weeks so the meme was very fitting but not aimed at anyone.

The post was on my snapchat story. He posted his aimed at me on his instagram. I don't like social media so have deactivated Instagram now. I just use my snapchat to post stories of what I'm up to and random memes which I find funny. They aren't directed at anyone but usually explain my life. My friends always say you must have loads of men after you, you must be dating etc but im not interested in getting involved with the dating game. This man has said the same to me over the weeks so the meme was very fitting but not aimed at anyone.

The social media platform doesn't matter. That post will turn others away from you and make you look bad. You may feel it is describing your life or is funny, but put yourself in his shoes -- or the shoes of other men who may potentially be attracted to you. That type of posting is not going to encourage anyone to ask you on a date.

 

The crucial point here is even if that isn't your intention, your humor or quip to prove a point may be taken in a different way than intended on social media.

After our walk I put a random post on my snapchat "everyone thinks I have loads of men on the go. Wrong. I talk to one man at a time. They f.... up one at a time. And I cut them off one at a time. Single file please" it wasn't aimed at him or anyone. It's just my humour.

I'm not seeing it. I actually can appreciate snide humor, but that post screams, "I'll will stomp someone with my Uggs if they forget the avacado for my toast." Never mind it being that cliche social media post we all roll our eyes at, or that it was somehow some coincidence you posted it right after walking with him. I can say, without doubt, I'd be immediately turned off if a lady I was interested in posted something like that, no matter how starry-eyed I might have been before.

 

But that's not saying you've missed some great opportunity with this guy. Just worth some thought into your public presentation. Assuming you're out of your late teens, going full Gossip Girl xoxo will pretty much exclusively bag you guys who would tolerate you for the sex or who are drama themselves. You're not putting out (which is of course plenty fair), so he's not particularly keen on keeping up the banter. Shouldn't be much of a shocker.

I wouldn't have put it on if I knew he would take it personally. It was a conversation I had with a friend before I went out for a walk with this man. I was saying how i only get involved with one man at a time. We had a laugh about it.. single file, orderly queue etc. Everyone laughed at it but he immediately posted a meme on his Instagram "I suffer from that disorder where I speak the truth and it p....s people off". That's when I thought he's taken this personally but how very mature of him to direct that back at me. He's 44 and playing games.

I wouldn't have put it on if I knew he would take it personally. It was a conversation I had with a friend before I went out for a walk with this man. I was saying how i only get involved with one man at a time. We had a laugh about it.. single file, orderly queue etc. Everyone laughed at it but he immediately posted a meme on his Instagram "I suffer from that disorder where I speak the truth and it p....s people off". That's when I thought he's taken this personally but how very mature of him to direct that back at me. He's 44 and playing games.

You really should be wiser than to post something vague like that on your social media. Assume someone is going to take a post like that personally.

 

Note: funny thing is you think it's immature he's assuming it's about him and is taking it personally, but you are assuming his subsequent post is directed at you and are taking it personally as well.

It was a conversation I had with a friend before I went out for a walk with this man.

Then keep it within the confines of the actual conversation, not your Snapchat story. I mean feel free to jump through whatever hoops you want, but neither we nor the internet were born yesterday. You posted with a purpose and it backfired. Honestly, the post would send most guys worth anything running whether or not they felt it was directed at them. Again, this guy doesn't sound like a peach himself as clapping back on social media isn't all that much better, but you're missing the bigger picture of this being a case of like attracting like. Takes two to play that game, only he actually seems to have had the sense to opt out. I'd suggest doing the same.

I wouldn't have put it on if I knew he would take it personally. It was a conversation I had with a friend before I went out for a walk with this man. I was saying how i only get involved with one man at a time. We had a laugh about it.. single file, orderly queue etc. Everyone laughed at it but he immediately posted a meme on his Instagram "I suffer from that disorder where I speak the truth and it p....s people off".

 

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That's when I thought he's taken this personally but how very mature of him to direct that back at me. He's 44 and playing games.

 

^^Ok, so he's emotionally unavailable, immature, overly-sensitive and playing games.

 

So what's the appeal? Have you no other options? SMH

 

Your social media post said you do "one at a time, single file, they f*** up, and you cut them off one at a time."

 

Fabulous, so why haven't you cut *him* off???

 

This entire experience is nothing but a mere blip, move on from it.

 

You no longer serve any purpose in his life (clearly), he should serve no purpose in yours. Even if it's only in your head.

 

Practice what you preached in your own social media post.

 

Cut hm off, NEXT!

OP - you’re not getting the point. It doesn’t matter the platform or the context, your post was immature.

 

And texting him “who are you trying to impress?” Is NOT obviously a joke. It screams needy to me.

 

Honestly, I think the guy here is being smart. He picked up you want more than FWB so he’s getting distant. And then you got clingy. His behavior makes sense given what he clearly said he wants and your behavior.

I definitely don't want a relationship and I am far from needy. I am very happy single.

As I previously stated he would text me everytime I uploaded a photo of myself with texts like "enjoy your date" and "hope he is worth it". I continually had to explain who i was out with and that I'm not involved with men/going on dates. He was the one coming across as needy and jealous. So I joked on and showed him what it was like being on the receiving end of these kind of messages and commented about his meal post. Yet I am the one with the suspicious mind! It's like he's trying to turn his own issues around to make it look like I'm the crazy one. Classic narcissist behaviour.

 

I explained how he sent me texts so hes the one with a suspicious mind and his answer was that he was just hoping for some details.

 

There's nothing to cut off now. He's gone. I posted here to hear the views of others as it's hard seeing it from the outside when you're in the position yourself. I didn't know what went wrong. If it was me or just him trying to get a one night thing then run.

 

We both aren't looking for a relationship so a fwb relationship was as far as it would go. I'm just pleased I have boundaries as I would hate to had fun with him once then him run like this.

Your actions don’t match your words. So you can tell yourself you don’t want a relationship, or something more, or whatever words you choose, but your actions don’t indicate it.