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Thread: Am I fooling myself into thinking this can really work?

  1. #1

    Am I fooling myself into thinking this can really work?

    Iím new here...Iím sorry this is so long...

    My partner and I have been together for a year. Mostly great relationship, although he certainly has a temper and can explode over very small issues - he gets over them just as quickly though and doesnít seem to agree he was ever that ďmadĒ in the first place. The blowups are fairly few and far between and Iíve gotten good at sidestepping the minefields. Overall, fun, affection, care - best relationship of my life.

    In the fall, he left his stable senior management role for a senior executive role within a small, privately held company - long story short, what was promised to him was a complete fabrication and he was quickly out of a job all together.

    This put a big strain on us as we were just moving in together to his house and already spending our giant double income in our heads. Boom! Itís gone, and Iím footing all the bills for almost 4 months.

    He doesnít scrimp during this time - booze, lots of food, nights out with friends, we went on vacation and did some big house purchases. Bleeding my savings dry and stressing me out along the way. When I tried to talk to him about it he freaked out - fragile male ego for sure - about how he is a drain on us, he will pay me back and I can leave him, etc. I calmed him down and tried to just suck it up and remember itís a temporary situation.

    He finally gets a new job but itís with a small start-up which can barely afford to pay him anything now, with the promise of a bigger salary ďin the next 6 months or soĒ. So financially we arenít much better ahead, and now have more bills (gas to work, dog sitter, etc) and heís out a lot more often since the guys at the company like to finish work days with beers that turn into late nights.

    He had to go out of town for work and when he came back, text messages kept popping up from the same woman - I asked him about it, he claims it was just one of their suppliers and all work related. I had my doubts - weíre talking texting at 11 pm on Saturday. I checked his cell bill (I know) and they were texting literally 100s of times per day. We got in a huge fight, physically wrestling to get his phone, and I read enough to see she was looking to leave her boyfriend, canít stop thinking about my guy and his hug, blah blah. He claims heíd been so unhappy with me, feeling like nothing he did was good enough, that I was miserable with him, trying to control him, etc and that she was a sympathetic ear. I asked him to tell her itís work only from now on and I think he did - Iíve seen a few emails that have been purely professional and she never seems to pop up on his phone anymore.

    I should note there was one other instance of him basically sexting a girl he used to date after we had a big fight. He again claims it happened from moment of weakness and anger, and he cut it off quickly. In both cases, I do believe him when he says nothing physically did - or would - happen. But I think he likes positive female attention and needs it to feel good about himself.

    A week after this most recent blowout - the worst blowout weíve ever had - we found out weíre pregnant. He is thrilled. Heís apologized a million times for not being the partner I deserve, ever making me feel that I wasnít his priority, read a million things about babyís development and is treating me like a queen. By all accounts, weíre back to our former place as a strong team.

    Is this too good to be true? Is it possible that I really busted him on the only two instances heís been sketchy with other women? Can he really be this good and loyal now, or am I fooling myself into thinking the temporary elation of a new baby will carry us through a happy and peaceful future together?

    Would love any feedback.

  2. #2
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    Sadly the answer is likely yes. Leopards do not change their spots. I suggest you do spy on him very meticulously. Read Gottman, he knows what successful couples do.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Shady doesnít change because you have a baby.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Lots of shady cheating folks out there have kids , jus sayiní.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by ControlDenied
    Sadly the answer is likely yes. Leopards do not change their spots. I suggest you do spy on him very meticulously. Read Gottman, he knows what successful couples do.
    I will definitely check out his books - I hadnít heard of him. Thanks!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Yeah, he won't change. Honestly, I'd leave just because of the anger issues. Would you really want your child do be around that?How does he treat the dog/s?

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by Cope
    Yeah, he won't change. Honestly, I'd leave just because of the anger issues. Would you really want your child do be around that?How does he treat the dog/s?
    Heís great to the dogs. And I may have misrepresented the ďangerĒ part - itís more like heíll just argue and argue passive aggressively and wonít let something small go, not an explosion of rage throwing stuff or name calling or anything like that.

  9. #8
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    Is this too good to be true? Is it possible that I really busted him on the only two instances heís been sketchy with other women? Can he really be this good and loyal now, or am I fooling myself into thinking the temporary elation of a new baby will carry us through a happy and peaceful future together?
    More or less, yes.

    He is not trustworthy. You know he was shady before, and now you've caught him testing the waters again. It's possible these are the only two instances, but there shouldn't have been any instances to begin with. You're dealing with a very immature man if he needs secret female attention to feel good about himself, but that is not the extent of it. He was hiding this from you, and it was evidently a budding emotional affair. You can't say he wouldn't have taken it further, nor that it already hasn't gone further. As others have pointed out, having a baby doesn't prevent someone from cheating. I can name plenty of parents I know personally who have been unfaithful.

    He isn't loyal. He's excited about the idea of being a dad, but his behaviour has shown you he's awful as a partner. I would also be concerned about how he's going to work with you to provide financially, not to mention manage his anger. You shouldn't need to be sidstepping minefields, and sadly, that is likely to get worse as the stress of a new baby magnifies the problems between you. Yes, a baby brings a lot of joy but it's also one of the most difficult jobs you'll ever have. Without a solid foundation as a couple, you are likely in for even more rough water ahead.

    I would make an appointment with a couple's counselor and a financial planner. You are going to need to both, by the sounds of it. Don't take him at his word that he won't do it again. His word, as you know, is not to be trusted.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    More or less, yes.

    He is not trustworthy. You know he was shady before, and now you've caught him testing the waters again. It's possible these are the only two instances, but there shouldn't have been any instances to begin with. You're dealing with a very immature man if he needs secret female attention to feel good about himself, but that is not the extent of it. He was hiding this from you, and it was evidently a budding emotional affair. You can't say he wouldn't have taken it further, nor that it already hasn't gone further. As others have pointed out, having a baby doesn't prevent someone from cheating. I can name plenty of parents I know personally who have been unfaithful.

    He isn't loyal. He's excited about the idea of being a dad, but his behaviour has shown you he's awful as a partner. I would also be concerned about how he's going to work with you to provide financially, not to mention manage his anger. You shouldn't need to be sidstepping minefields, and sadly, that is likely to get worse as the stress of a new baby magnifies the problems between you. Yes, a baby brings a lot of joy but it's also one of the most difficult jobs you'll ever have. Without a solid foundation as a couple, you are likely in for even more rough water ahead.

    I would make an appointment with a couple's counselor and a financial planner. You are going to need to both, by the sounds of it. Don't take him at his word that he won't do it again. His word, as you know, is not to be trusted.
    To further this, think about it he's excited on the dad fantasy, but when he'll be sleep deprived and changing diapers after his workday and beers, do you really think he will still be as
    excited and happy, or wont seek other females attention since it's very likely you sex life will also suffer ?
    I am not suggesting cutting a dad from his child, this also is not good for the infant's development and stability, but counseling seems indeed mandatory in your case so you can be
    certain he will be a good partner in this, because make no mistakes raising a healthy child is one of the most difficult things in a life.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long have you known him? What was the hurry to move into his house and get pregnant? Read up on abusive relationships and the cycle of violence. Right now it's just another honeymoon phase. The blow ups and drinking and cheating and job/money issues will not only continue, they will get worse and even more devastating when you are saddled with his child and completely over invested.

    Moving lightening fast like this and the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde nature of this is all part of it. At some level you know this but as most abusive relationships, you are so over-invested by now you will try to remain in denial to avoid the horrible truth.
    Originally Posted by sashak1980
    My partner and I have been together for a year. we were just moving in together to his house.we found out weíre pregnant.

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