Need advice about a woman that isn't ready for the moment.

Hi new here 36yo male from switzerland, had my share of bad GFs that were the I have issues type but never really taking responsibility.

I did learn from these and now avoid them, I worked on myself and am a very curious and driven man !

Okay to the point I'll try to stay concise, after my last GF stringing me along, I decided to stay single and enjoy making some of my dreams

and project come to life, so there I was back from a dream motorcycle travel at an old friend's birthday party and I met one of his gf's coworker.

We later started talking and seeing each other, the contact between us was so natural it was impressive, we'd meet to do something for a

couple of hours and every date would end up after 7 to 8 hours, no timeouts and always pretty sweet.

She introduced me to all her friends and sisters, we did lots of activities and started getting intimate. She talked one day, about her Florence

vacation that her friend suddenly canceled, I took this occasion to propose to go with her, she didn't hesitate said yes and so I booked the flights

and airbnb by myself, she was very thankfull and those 6 days there were absolutely amazing, absolutely no friction or disagreements, when she

texted me for new year's eve, she said it was the best time of 2017 !

So we had been seeing each other for 4 months, she one time told me she didn't know if she was in love, but still felt really great and always

wanted to stay in my arms during weekend mornings. She is a very stressed person that want to perform perfectly all the time and in all situations,

often telling me about the work, PHD, roomates and family issues, that were really bringing her down. I told her she has to accept not being able

to be ever perfect and I gave support to her, because when I was her age (28) I was pretty much the same. I put this all on her being stressed !

Then in beginning january, she asked me to the theater and while planing détails she suddenly told me, she didn't sleep well lately and had tummy

aches all the time, because she still didn't understand her feelings. She said the phrase I don't know if we should continue or rather be friends, so

even if this was really hard to hear, I pulled myself together and told her I didn't want to be her friend, that I liked her too much to pretend that.

So I told her to take time and think, stop calling me every evening like before and no more texting either. She cried but agreed and said she was

very sad about the situation.

During this time I reflected about everything and put together a text, explaining I wanted her that our connection is rare and I was ready to fight

for it if she wanted me to, talking about all these small intimate and personal experience I missed, that this sometimes only comes once.

But at the same time I wouldn't waste my time, for someone who won't make any efforts, because i've been used in the past and I now know the

good man I am and that I can't wait for her forever either !

I sent her this about two weeks ago, she took 1 week to reply which i found pretty rude and I started to think I was wrong and stop wasting my

time on her, then she replied. Explaining me why she couldn't reply, that she found my message beautifull and felt touched, she also misses some

of the stuff we did, but realised she's not ready to be in a Relationship at the moment and doesn't know about the future !

I thanked her for the honest reply and said I would like to keep in touch, that she can reach out to me, to which she rejoiced that I didn't want to

lose contact and was very happy.

Now with any other woman I would just let it go, but she proved within those 4 months what a very rare woman she was, never judging people or

saying bad stuff, always open to discussion, respecting anyone and always asking for my point of view. She also is feminine and doesn't dress like

the 80% of provocative women i cross in the streets.

So the problem is it's difficult for me to let go, I really see this woman as the best I ever met, if I text her she always replies hapilly, so what do you

think, if I don't want to close the door on us meeting again in the future, for a possible relationship, should I just stay on her mind periodically texting

nice things, or just stop texting completely !?

I still intend to live my life in the meantime, because I know there is little chance she comes back, I know how it works since men are the ones doing

the courting, there will be guys hitting on her and 99% of the time, the women will just go with what's new and in front of them when they are ready.

She might be wonderful, but she's lacking one essential element--having that spark for you that one needs to want to be in a LTR.

Since you would like a gf, you need to prep your mind to be ready for that, and that includes breaking all contact with a woman who ended it with you. It'll give you nothing but grief to stay in contact, because you won't be able to bond with a new woman, and then you'll be upset when she eventually gets a new man and she won't have the time or desire to communicate with you anymore.

Hoping she'll come to her senses or suddenly want you back is a bad thing to do to your heart. Time will heal with no contact. Take care.

Sorry to hear this. You were right not to accept the friendzone. She has your contact info and you didn't block or delete her so let her contact you rather than sending stay-on-the-radar texts.

She might be wonderful, but she's lacking one essential element--having that spark for you that one needs to want to be in a LTR.

 

Since you would like a gf, you need to prep your mind to be ready for that, and that includes breaking all contact with a woman who ended it with you. It'll give you nothing but grief to stay in contact, because you won't be able to bond with a new woman, and then you'll be upset when she eventually gets a new man and she won't have the time or desire to communicate with you anymore.

 

Hoping she'll come to her senses or suddenly want you back is a bad thing to do to your heart. Time will heal with no contact. Take care.

Well from what her friends told me and since I know she genuinely never lied, she doesn't know what she wants in life, she was really feeling bad for hurting me and still didn't break it, she asked what I thought,

that's when I imposed the NC rule, so it's more the outside life elements that prevents her, she's one of the few not throwing the let's be friends to just get out.

But yes you're right I won't text her again, I do see since the breakup lots of women giving me attention, but I can't imagine myself with them I need to meet someone I will get to know and trust again, because

even if she didn't lie and use me, it's the 3rd time in a row that a woman has this "I don't know what I want" problem and honestly I'm can't trust one like this anymore !

She doesn't have the right feelings for you to continue, OP, and she feels guilty about it.

I would not bother trying to stay in contact with her. I don't think she's a bad woman or trying to string you along, but she's not into you the way you are into her.

She doesn't have the right feelings for you to continue, OP, and she feels guilty about it.

 

I would not bother trying to stay in contact with her. I don't think she's a bad woman or trying to string you along, but she's not into you the way you are into her.

Whatever it is, feelings or logistics and stress, but I was clear with her that I'm a great guy and if she doesn't realize that, I'm not wasting my time on uncertain women anymore. I'm not buying

into what some females think anymore, that real men will still pursue because they're worth it, or that basically my time isn't worth as much as their time... nope I've got enough going on in my

life, I won't wait on you !

It is just a strange feeling for me as with her, I had the sudden realization that I want to get married on possibly have a family, which I never considered before so it's weird to let go!

Whatever it is, feelings or logistics and stress, but I was clear with her that I'm a great guy and if she doesn't realize that, I'm not wasting my time on uncertain women anymore. I'm not buying

into what some females think anymore, that real men will still pursue because they're worth it, or that basically my time isn't worth as much as their time... nope I've got enough going on in my

life, I won't wait on you !

It is just a strange feeling for me as with her, I had the sudden realization that I want to get married on possibly have a family, which I never considered before so it's weird to let go!

Well, that's just it. The right woman for you won't need you to remind her of that.

I will say that I've been on both sides of this type of situation, which I'm sure many have, as well.

Tbh, as a woman, I remember all the times when I wasn't sure about a guy, and it all came down to the fact that I may have liked him a lot, but not enough to commit to a relationship. It didn't matter what reason was given (e.g., stress, not a good time right now, etc)... the point is that I would've committed if I had strong feelings for the person and I wanted to be with them.

I was recently on your end of it, with a guy who mentioned that he loved me and the reason why he couldn't commit. I was confused at first, but now I fully realize that if he wanted to commit and wanted to be with me, he would be. Not his fault, just like it's not this girl's fault. People feel what they feel. I'm sure you've been in her shoes with other women before (where you liked them but not enough to get into a relationship).

Big hugs,

I will say that I've been on both sides of this type of situation, which I'm sure many have, as well.

 

Tbh, as a woman, I remember all the times when I wasn't sure about a guy, and it all came down to the fact that I may have liked him a lot, but not enough to commit to a relationship. It didn't matter what reason was given (e.g., stress, not a good time right now, etc)... the point is that I would've committed if I had strong feelings for the person and I wanted to be with them.

 

I was recently on your end of it, with a guy who mentioned that he loved me and the reason why he couldn't commit. I was confused at first, but now I fully realize that if he wanted to commit and wanted to be with me, he would be. Not his fault, just like it's not this girl's fault. People feel what they feel. I'm sure you've been in her shoes with other women before (where you liked them but not enough to get into a relationship).

Big hugs,

Well my problem then is if she felt that way, I'm really bothered that it took her 4 months of sleeping together, going a week on vacation and acting as a couple, to realize that and only just once emitting doubts.

Because she didn't show much concern, I really got sucked in and was committed, so I'm fed up of these situations, it's not complicated to communicate doubts and figure out before 4 damn months !

On another note there are situations, that keeps a man from committing, I lived it with a LDR and there's nothing I could do about it, but yes these are pretty rare.

Finding lasting love is not a shoe-in for everyone. We all have to try things, take risks, etc. No one is obligated to have a crystal ball and tell you how things will work out or how they will feel about you in months to come. That's what dating is all about. You find out about each other, try things, see if things fit and evolve...or not.

Well my problem then is if she felt that way, I'm really bothered that it took her 4 months of sleeping together, going a week on vacation and acting as a couple, to realize that and only just once emitting doubts.

Finding lasting love is not a shoe-in for everyone. We all have to try things, take risks, etc. No one is obligated to have a crystal ball and tell you how things will work out or how they will feel about you in months to come. That's what dating is all about. You find out about each other, try things, see if things fit and evolve...or not.

Well sorry I don't agree stable and ready people, don't need almost 5 months to realise something isn't working and then can't even breakup, leaving the other to take the decision.

It's ok for you or either of you to take action and end things when after a very brief period of dating, things don't pan out.

people, don't need almost 5 months to realise something isn't working and then can't even breakup, leaving the other to take the decision.

It's ok for you or either of you to take action and end things when after a very brief period of dating, things don't pan out.

Well we don't have the same definition of brief it seems ! But thanks I get your point.

You were not in a several year committed, live-together, engaged or marriage situation. You'll be less bitter about things not working out after dating a few months if you realize that all of life is about taking some risks and no one is entitled to pain free, risk free dating with guarantees that it will only end if and when you want it to on your terms.

Well we don't have the same definition of brief it seems ! But thanks I get your point.

You were not in a several year committed, live-together, engaged or marriage situation. You'll be less bitter about things not working out after dating a few months if you realize that all of life is about taking some risks and no one is entitled to pain free, risk free dating with guarantees that it will only end if and when you want it to on your terms.

I'm not thinking I'm entitled to not felle pain and having risk free relationships, I can accept a relationship doesn't work even if it did for years, people change and that's fine ! But I do not tolerate this "I don't know what I want" free out card most women I

dated use almost every time these last 3 years. 3 women told me exactly the same phrase, seems like they have a training book or something, so using this afer 3 weeks whatever, but after 4-5 months not saying anything is a bit difficult to swallow !

Anyway moving on !

Sadly the "I'm confused" and many variations of it, are very frequent soft breakup lines. It sucks but it's a misguided attempt to spare feelings or look good while doing the dirty deed.

"I don't know what I want" free out card most women I dated use almost every time these last 3 years. 3 women told me exactly the same phrase, seems like they have a training book or something

Sadly the "I'm confused" and many variations of it, are very frequent soft breakup lines. It sucks but it's a misguided attempt to spare feelings or look good while doing the dirty deed.

Well in her case she told me that textually on the phone while expressing her doubts, she still didn't say she wanted to stop, seing she couldn't take either decisions, I asked for NC so it's not just a cope out.

And other women telling me the same to my face, literally crying or shaking expressing their future and being completely lost... don't think these are cope outs too, but maybe I'm delusional ! I just wish they

could take responsabilities and be frank, it really doesn't help anyone it's ridiculous.

Tbh, as a woman, I remember all the times when I wasn't sure about a guy, and it all came down to the fact that I may have liked him a lot, but not enough to commit to a relationship. It didn't matter what reason was given (e.g., stress, not a good time right now, etc)... the point is that I would've committed if I had strong feelings for the person and I wanted to be with them.

I agree with everything above, and the bolded part in particular.

When someone is truly into you, they don't have all this confusion and doubt swirling in their mind. The guys I didn't commit to were the ones I just wasn't into enough. Nothing more, nothing less. Even going through major life transitions, I easily committed to the man I am with today, because I wanted him by my side on my journey.

A dear friend of mine (male) recently ended a short relationship of about 6 months for the same reasons. He liked her well enough, but just couldn't see her in his future. No, he doesn't know where exactly he's headed in life but he has also confided that he has had doubts about their connection for some time. She is lovely, by the way. I knew her before they started dating and was surprised he didn't ever develop stronger feelings for her. But it is what it is. He had to let her go knowing he wasn't invested the way she was.

As you say, it's nobody's fault these things don't work out sometimes. We can't force ourselves to have feelings we just don't have.

I agree with everything above, and the bolded part in particular.

 

When someone is truly into you, they don't have all this confusion and doubt swirling in their mind. The guys I didn't commit to were the ones I just wasn't into enough. Nothing more, nothing less. Even going through major life transitions, I easily committed to the man I am with today, because I wanted him by my side on my journey.

 

A dear friend of mine (male) recently ended a short relationship of about 6 months for the same reasons. He liked her well enough, but just couldn't see her in his future. No, he doesn't know where exactly he's headed in life but he has also confided that he has had doubts about their connection for some time. She is lovely, by the way. I knew her before they started dating and was surprised he didn't ever develop stronger feelings for her. But it is what it is. He had to let her go knowing he wasn't invested the way she was.

 

As you say, it's nobody's fault these things don't work out sometimes. We can't force ourselves to have feelings we just don't have.

I am definitely okay with that and moving on, I'm not the kind to fixate on someone and continue this weird dynamic, I don't lament and look onto the past, regrets are a waste of energy !

But I still don't agree, that mature and stable people, need like your guy friend 6 months to realise if yes or no the relationship works ! Doesn't take me more than 2 or 3 weeks to know and when you have sex,

then I can reall be sure about compatibility, seems to me people complicate their lives themselves, it's not rocket science !

My problem now is, that having bad relationships in the past and this one still not working, though I know she is a great woman compared to others. I just don't feel I can trust another woman, I don't want to

have another "I don't know what I want" type, seems to me there is no way of avoiding this and just find women that want to build a family !

At least she had the balls and didn't ghost you. A few months back I, for the first time in my life, fell a victim to this phenomenon. Lemme tell you... My ego is still recovering lol She seemed like a nice person (sure, there were some red flags, but little head was ahead of the big one, unfortunately) and we had great time together. Close to 2 months of us "talking" (sex included). We did meet on tinder, so there's that lol Biggest red flag - about 8-9 months out of a 8+ year dysfunctional relationship, with multiple mentions of her ex during our time together. Typing this up, I feel even more of an idiot I was at the time... Live and learn and roll with the punches.

At least she had the balls and didn't ghost you. A few months back I, for the first time in my life, fell a victim to this phenomenon. Lemme tell you... My ego is still recovering lol She seemed like a nice person (sure, there were some red flags, but little head was ahead of the big one, unfortunately) and we had great time together. Close to 2 months of us "talking" (sex included). We did meet on tinder, so there's that lol Biggest red flag - about 8-9 months out of a 8+ year dysfunctional relationship, with multiple mentions of her ex during our time together. Typing this up, I feel even more of an idiot I was at the time... Live and learn and roll with the punches.

I can tell you I learned massively with many women suddenly breaking up, being cold as hell and exactly as you said ghosting your ass, after asking you to remain friends... I avoid these like the plague now my radar is adjusted !

I will never go on Tinder, honnestly what did you expect everyone knows the majority there just want sex, or it's crazy town...that's not the place to look for serious relationships. I did try Once, not much better too many attention

who have absolutely no intention to meet IRL, then thought let's try Bumble which gives power to women for contacting you... well they seem to not get the principle and as IRL they wait for you to make the 1st move... but

only they can contact you so after months and only few contacts I said, never doing online dating ever again thanks !!!

She might be wonderful, but she's lacking one essential element--having that spark for you that one needs to want to be in a LTR.

 

Since you would like a gf, you need to prep your mind to be ready for that, and that includes breaking all contact with a woman who ended it with you. It'll give you nothing but grief to stay in contact, because you won't be able to bond with a new woman, and then you'll be upset when she eventually gets a new man and she won't have the time or desire to communicate with you anymore.

 

Hoping she'll come to her senses or suddenly want you back is a bad thing to do to your heart. Time will heal with no contact. Take care.

Completely agree with this and Wiseman and Miss Canuck's advice.

The sooner you make the decision to move on (and this may take some time), the sooner you'll heal. Also, do not immediately rush into a new relationship until you know that your heart and mind will allow you to enter it without referencing this relationship in comparison. Its not fair to anyone to use another to "fix" your situation. Been there, done that and it's wrong.

I am definitely okay with that and moving on, I'm not the kind to fixate on someone and continue this weird dynamic, I don't lament and look onto the past, regrets are a waste of energy !

 

But I still don't agree, that mature and stable people, need like your guy friend 6 months to realise if yes or no the relationship works ! Doesn't take me more than 2 or 3 weeks to know and when you have sex,

then I can reall be sure about compatibility, seems to me people complicate their lives themselves, it's not rocket science !

 

My problem now is, that having bad relationships in the past and this one still not working, though I know she is a great woman compared to others. I just don't feel I can trust another woman, I don't want to

have another "I don't know what I want" type, seems to me there is no way of avoiding this and just find women that want to build a family !

I completely disagree. You barely know someone in 2 or 3 weeks. Having sex with them doesn't mean you know the person, either. All that does is prove if there is physical chemistry and attraction.

You're creating unrealistic expectations with this mindset. Assuming others are somehow mentally unstable or immature for not knowing virtually immediately if a relationship will work is also plain ridiculous.

I completely disagree. You barely know someone in 2 or 3 weeks. Having sex with them doesn't mean you know the person, either. All that does is prove if there is physical chemistry and attraction.

 

You're creating unrealistic expectations with this mindset. Assuming others are somehow mentally unstable or immature for not knowing virtually immediately if a relationship will work is also plain ridiculous.

I wholeheartedly agree with this!

While the chemistry may have been there from the get go, it takes a long time to decide if that person is the right "fit" long term.

As you spend more time and get to know each other, you discover things about each other, and one person or both, realizes that again while the initial attraction was there, something fundamental is missing.

This happened to me recently with the man I was dating. Four months we dated. At first, everything clicked, I was highly attracted, the sex was good, it was STILL good up until I ended it last weekend.

Why did I end it? Because after spending time and getting to know him, realized he doesn't have the qualities I seek for a long term committed RL, which is what my ultimate goal is. Even as short term, I simply wasn't enjoying the RL anymore (other than the sex which I started my own thread about).

Yes it took four months. For others it takes longer. For some it takes less. There is no set timetable, it's just whenever you get a sense, you feel it's not right.

Also sometimes someone can think they're sure, and then something happens that causes them to change their minds. Which is their right and they shouldn't be deemed immature or unstable when that happens.

Just my $.02 fwiw.

Whatever it is, feelings or logistics and stress, but I was clear with her that I'm a great guy and if she doesn't realize that, I'm not wasting my time on uncertain women anymore.

Wouldn't periodically texting nice things to her equate to wasting time on an uncertain woman?