Need advice about a woman that isn't ready for the moment.

[reinventmyself]

But I still don't agree, that mature and stable people, need like your guy friend 6 months to realise if yes or no the relationship works ! Doesn't take me more than 2 or 3 weeks to know and when you have sex,

then I can reall be sure about compatibility, seems to me people complicate their lives themselves, it's not rocket science !

If you continue to measure everyone else by a standard in which you operate, you will continue to be disappointed.

 

It's not they are doing it wrong, they are just doing it `differently' than you do. And it doesn't make them immature and unstable either.

 

I've dated before, where my feelings started off slowly and I stayed maybe longer than I should have. But I stayed because I wanted it just as much as they did. Unfortunately, it didn't happen like I had hoped.

 

I've also stayed and been pleasantly surprised that the feelings, though slow in coming -came anyway and I would have regretted walking away without giving it a chance.

 

Just go into it better prepared. Acknowledge that others won't know in 2 to 3 weeks like you seem to. In the meantime try to enjoy yourself and manage your expectations. That's all you can do outside of feeling the constant disappointment and no longer trusting women anymore.

 

In the meantime, maybe give some thought to why you are getting the same response. You are the common denominator here.

[Last Gentleman]

Sorry I might have not been clear in my explanation, I get all your points and in fact I agree mostly, what I was trying to say is that it takes me 2 or 3 weeks to know whether the relationship

could work or not and that I'm ready, my issue as with her and women before her, is that they get in the relationship not saying anything and then just opt out, because they are not ready or don't

know what they want in ilfe. Every time with each of these I know it's no cope out phrase just to be nice, they all talked to me in length how they were lost and didn't know what to do, it wasn't the

typical it's not working I think we should just end it, which I have no problem hearing honestly !

 

So that's my problem, if you genuinely can't be in a relationship or are still searching what you want in life, you shouldn't get yourself into relationships at all, they knew this before but didn't tell me

about their doubts, so it was for these people that I said they are not mature or stable, mixing with other stories was not really smart sorry. If after some weeks she told me she isn't really sure she

can have a relationship, I would've kept a foot out and most likely wouldn't have become intimate keeping seeing other women too, eventually not having such a shock 4 months in.

I'm a big advocate of women just being totally honest, keeping things hidden or trying to be nice at al costs, really isn't helping anyone it's doing them much disservice too, because many men can

get extremely angry in such cases !

 

That's why I know I'm still not ready to date, don't worry I faced such cases too often to do the same to a woman, but I know I'm already moving on, because I caught myself checking many women's

asses yesterday which believe it or not, I wasn't doing so much when I was with her. Yes I am a butt person not every guy is into breasts hehe !

[katrina1980]

Last Gentlemen you seem like a decent person, and I hope what I'm about to say doesn't sound rude of offend you but, when a woman tells you, after 4,5,6 months dating "I'm not ready for a relationship," or "I'm not sure I want a relationship," - or any variation thereof indicating confusion and uncertainty - what she means is:

 

"I don't want a relationship (with you)." "I'm not ready for a relationship (with you)."

 

She may in fact want a RL, she may and probably did want one with you at first, she may have even thought you were "the one."

 

She wasn't lying or misleading you, hence why she continued to date you.

 

But after getting to know you further after a few months, realized you were not the man for her.

 

Instead of being direct and telling you that, she tosses you the "I'm not sure I want a relationship" or "I'm confused about what I want" line.

 

Men do it too, it's definitely not gender specific.

 

And yeah I know it's confusing, and you're left thinking "well heck, if you're not sure you want a relationship, what the he** have we be doing for the last four months"?

 

And yeah, you are absolutely right, it does anger men! It angers women too when it happens to them; it's hurtful.

 

I just ended a relationship last weekend after four months, and my ex expressed this same thing to me. It was a really difficult conversation as he had no idea it was coming, and I could see he was choked up.

 

As far as he was concerned, things were going great, and they were, it's just that for me, after four months, I realized he didn't have what I ultimately want and need. Right or wrong, it took me four months to determine this. So I ended it.

 

I posted on a different thread that when you (generic you) aren't attracting the people you want or continue getting rejected (you stated this happens to you often) to look "within." You even agreed with me!

 

As reinventmyself said, you are the common denominator in your experiences.

 

If you continue blaming women, deeming them immature and mentally unstable, and reject the idea that it *might* be something within yourself that is causing these women to lose interest, turn off, and not wish to move forward with you after a few months, you will continue having the same experiences, which sort of festers within, ultimately causing resentment and never learning anything, growing, evolving.

 

I introspect and look within at the end of every relationship, short term, long term and in between. Even when *I* end it, as I did last weekend, I look within.

 

To determine what I could have done better, perhaps learning something new about myself and hopefully bringing what I've learned to my next relationship.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me, best of luck moving forward.

[Last Gentleman]

Last Gentlemen you seem like a decent person, and I hope what I'm about to say doesn't sound rude of offend you but, when a woman tells you, after 4,5,6 months dating "I'm not ready for a relationship," or "I'm not sure I want a relationship," - or any variation thereof, what she means is:

 

"I don't want a relationship (with you)." "I'm not ready for a relationship (with you)."

 

She may in fact want a RL, she may and probably did want one with you at first, she may have even thought you were "the one."

 

She wasn't lying or misleading you, hence why she continued to date you.

 

But after getting to know you further after a few months, realized you were not the man for her.

 

Instead of being direct and telling you that, she tosses you the "I'm not sure I want a relationship" line.

 

Men do it too, it's definitely not gender specific.

 

And yeah I know it's confusing, and you're left thinking "well heck, if you're not sure you want a relationship, what the he** have we be doing for the last four months"?

 

I just ended a relationship last weekend after four months, and my ex expressed this same thing to me. It was a really difficult conversation as he had no idea it was coming, and I could see he was choked up.

 

As far as he was concerned, things were going great, and they were, it's just that for me, after four months, I realized he didn't have what I ultimately want and need. Right or wrong, it took me four months to determine this. So I ended it.

 

I posted on a different thread that when you (generic you) aren't attracting the people you want or continue getting rejected (you stated this happens to you often) to look "within." You even agreed with me!

 

As reinventmyself said, you are the common denominator in your experiences.

 

If you continue blaming women, deeming them immature and mentally unstable, and reject the idea that it *might* be something within youself that is causing these women to lose interest, turn off, and not wish to move forward with you after a few months, you will continue having the same experiences, which sort of festers within, ultimately causing resentment and never learning anything, growing, evolving.

 

I introspect and look within at the end of every relationship, short term, long term and in between. Even when *I* end it, as I did last weekend, I look within.

 

To determine what I could have done better, perhaps learning something new about myself and hopefully bring what I've learned to my next relationship.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me, best of luck moving forward.

 

Okay you can say I'm delusional, but she didn't split with this line only to keep a good face, I explained she told me she misses me but told me of all the issues she has, that she had before and that's why

she can't have a relationship right now, this took hours of conversation, do you really think a woman talks for hours about her issues to a guy, to keep a good face and not upset him !!!? I know what you're

talking about I rejected women too, but can you consider that in this case that's not what happened ? All the friends I explained this to and know her, agree with me, I don't think this is the usual case which

is why it's annoying for me.

 

But even if you're right and she just didn't like me, it's been years I'm exactly doing what you say, every failed relationship I reflect on and learn from it so the next one is better and I'm always asking myself

how I can improve, that's how after years I could realize I tried to fix many of my exes, who were dysfunctional and by doing so I didn't display good boundaries and allowed them to take advantage of me. I

was resentful for a while and blamed women, but I got back from there and then I decided to stay single to realize some of my dreams, which I did and that's when I met her, at first I hesitated for about 2

months because I was fine by myself, but she seemed special so I thought let's try ! Proof of this is I asked NC while she wanted to see me and told her to think, now I take my boundaries very seriously.

 

So that's why I'm here a bit lost, maybe I'm at fault yes nobody is perfect, but I don't really see what I can do better or what more introspection I can do... if I was convinced she didn't like me, it would be

far easier !

 

Nothing rude thank you for your concern really !

[katrina1980]

I never said or suggested you were "delusional" or that you were "at fault" LG.

 

There is no one "at fault" (unless they lie and cheat of which you did neither).

 

People are either right for each other or not.

 

And yes, a woman could very well take hours while ending a RL that at one time was significant to her.

 

She may feel guilty and is blaming herself for misleading you (which she shouldn't but I understand it), as many women do.

 

Hence why she deems herself as having all these "issues" when the bottom line is you were simply not a good fit for her. Nevertheless, she feels guilty.

 

That said, I don't know this particular girl, perhaps she is messed up, unstable, or whatever, in which case stop dwelling on it, wish her the best and move on.

 

Try to contain your anger, as becoming angry at her serves NO good purpose, and may actually cause you to feel worse and her to lose total respect for you, and confirm for her that ending it is or was the best decision.

[Last Gentleman]

I never said or suggested you were "delusional" or that you were "at fault" LG.

 

There is no one "at fault" (unless they lie and cheat of which you did neither).

 

People are either right for each other or not.

 

And yes, a woman could very well take hours while ending a RL that at one time was significant to her.

 

She may feel guilty and is blaming herself for misleading you (which she shouldn't but I understand it), as many women do.

 

Hence why she deems herself as having all these "issues" when the bottom line is you were simply not a good fit for her. Nevertheless, she feels guilty.

 

That said, I don't know this particular girl, perhaps she is messed up, unstable, or whatever, in which case stop dwelling on it, wish her the best and move on.

 

Try to contain your anger, as becoming angry at her serves NO good purpose, and may actually cause you to feel worse and her to lose total respect for you, and confirm for her that ending it is or was the best decision.

 

That's honestly very weird to me if she feels guilty and talked about all this because of that, but okay I guess I expect too much honesty from people, that's what's ridiculous

if in the same situation a woman tells me I'm sorry, it was nice but I don't think we fit, or don't see a future together, I would have never second guessed and thought of staying

in contact, you don't like me enough okay someone else will, but by saying these ridiculous things I second guessed...

 

I was once an angry person, especially at the time of some older relationships, fortunately I discovered martial arts 6 years ago and it really helps me take out this energy during

training, as well as when we talk philosophy it helps you grow in ways I would have laughed at before experiencing it, it's a pivotal part of my life and I didn't get really angry

for about 2 years now, I'm just a passionate man so my writing can seem intense, but anger is a waste of energy and only ever hurting the one feeling it, so it's pointless.

 

You are right it's not worth more energy, I didn't have any contact with her since her reply and intend to keep it like this, I have a fun weekend in few hours, so thanks Katrina

that was helpful !

[katrina1980]

I understand LG, it's best to be direct, to the point; but honestly, even when you are, the other person often doesn't accept, at least not at first, and wants to discuss, dissect, convince you to change your mind, etc. ad nauseum,, which results in the same thing. Taking hours to end something that should take ten minutes to end.

 

Not saying you do that, but it's something I have experienced.

 

Perhaps this is why some people prefer to end things via text. Or worse, just ghost!

 

It's exhausting hashing it out, so I totally get what you're saying.

 

And you're very welcome, I'm glad I was able to help, even if just a little.

[Last Gentleman]

Of course people might want to discuss etc, but I don't think giving crappy excuses is a better solution !

 

I'm really just realising that she might have used this feeling guilty, because if I take my dating experience this has never happened before, so I thought there was something more to it !

 

- One woman one evening, was with me and a friend at this friend's place having one last drink after christmas party, she told me she was exhausted and I should go... staying at this guys place. No

explanation or anything, though we were friends since 20 years. They then dated for some months before she dumped him too.

- The next GF suddenly took her distances and one week later, changed from warmest and cuddly to the coldest insensitive woman I've ever seen, telling me she felt like going out with her best

friend and other terrible things for a man to hear... it was over and she left.

- Then a woman older than me with whom I broke up, because I wasn't were she was in my life and it wouldn't have worked, screamed at me saying I was an ass**** and pig, I had to throw her out

when she became violent, she then competely blocked me from FB, whatsapp and told crap about me.

- My LDR Polish GF basically stringed me along for 6 months, though she had allready decided she was done, I found out when I insisted on finding dates for our vacation, that's when she coldly

told me through text she had other plans, saying she was too busy for a phone call...

 

Appart from the one I broke up with, they all expressed they wanted to stay friends and if I wouldn't text them, I would never hear from any of them. So you see these were all pretty crappy, which

is why I thought this last breakup was much different and that she might just be confused, also worth staying in touch because she didn't do anything bad !

As I said i didn't have boundaries until my LDR and I enabled these women, they aren't all so bad, but I don't have contact with any of them anyway, they don't bring anything in my life.

[sky09]

I understand LG, it's best to be direct, to the point; but honestly, even when you are, the other person often doesn't accept, at least not at first, and wants to discuss, dissect, convince you to change your mind, etc. ad nauseum,, which results in the same thing. Taking hours to end something that should take ten minutes to end.

 

Not saying you do that, but it's something I have experienced.

 

Perhaps this is why some people prefer to end things via text. Or worse, just ghost!

 

That's exactly it. People either don't care to have to go thru the motions or lack simple empathy to understand how the other party might feel. You hear a lot of "you don't owe this or that" around this forum a lot. True, but if you're nice to a complete stranger on the street, why not apply the same approach here? That's the thing about romantic relationships, there's always the risk of parting ways and hurt feelings. High reward means high risk, even here. Thing about love and relationships, is that it's not taught. There is no class to take or certifications to complete. We're either using what knowledge was gained while growing up and/or learn (or don't) thru our own experiences.

There is no simple answer to ending something. It's true that the other party on the receiving end does not know how to properly handle rejection, either. However, by practicing empathy and always placing yourself in other person's shoes (I.e., how would you feel if tables were reversed?), will reduce the chances of karma biting your ass later on in life, imho.

As far as your expectations of other people, OP. Definitely lower them and expect the worst. That way you'll be surprised when your expectations have been exceeded lol

[Last Gentleman]

That's exactly it. People either don't care to have to go thru the motions or lack simple empathy to understand how the other party might feel. You hear a lot of "you don't owe this or that" around this forum a lot. True, but if you're nice to a complete stranger on the street, why not apply the same approach here? That's the thing about romantic relationships, there's always the risk of parting ways and hurt feelings. High reward means high risk, even here. Thing about love and relationships, is that it's not taught. There is no class to take or certifications to complete. We're either using what knowledge was gained while growing up and/or learn (or don't) thru our own experiences.

There is no simple answer to ending something. It's true that the other party on the receiving end does not know how to properly handle rejection, either. However, by practicing empathy and always placing yourself in other person's shoes (I.e., how would you feel if tables were reversed?), will reduce the chances of karma biting your ass later on in life, imho.

As far as your expectations of other people, OP. Definitely lower them and expect the worst. That way you'll be surprised when your expectations have been exceeded lol

 

OMG that's something women told me many times, I absolutely hate that phrase "I dont' owe you anything" what about just being a decent human being... especialy after having a relationship with someone, hearing

this is just appaling, I can't take this surrent selfishness most people display !

That's the problem I have, though I have a strong mind and pretty thick skin, i'm hiding that I'm very empathetic, so when I care about someone and they suddenly act as if you are a stranger, it's horrible to take.

 

It's quite depressing to expect the worst from people, I would rather show my best self and let people qualify to give them my time and attention.

[sky09]

OMG that's something women told me many times, I absolutely hate that phrase "I dont' owe you anything" what about just being a decent human being... especialy after having a relationship with someone, hearing

this is just appaling, I can't take this surrent selfishness most people display !

That's the problem I have, though I have a strong mind and pretty thick skin, i'm hiding that I'm very empathetic, so when I care about someone and they suddenly act as if you are a stranger, it's horrible to take.

 

It's quite depressing to expect the worst from people, I would rather show my best self and let people qualify to give them my time and attention.

 

I was partly jesting with "expect the worst", but there is definitely something to that. You're a good guy, don't compromise your integrity for anything or anyone. It really is unfortunate that the current dating environment (and its participants) had been reduced to a restaurant menu (aka tinder, Bumble, etc.) that is followed by a predetermined checklist that one has to meet. Maybe it's always been that way, but sure feels amplified these days.

I hate the cliche adages, but the right person will come into your life at the right time.

 

"Some people come into your life for a reason, some a season, and some a lifetime."

[reinventmyself]

I think we can all look back at those who have disappointed us and create a negative global view on one particular sex if we choose to.

Unless you've married your high school sweet heart the chances are we've all had our heart broken. You are not alone.

 

What I see in your writing is the grief talking and trying to make sense of things.

I hope in time this will lesson and you have some faith in love and are willing to try again.

[Last Gentleman]

I was partly jesting with "expect the worst", but there is definitely something to that. You're a good guy, don't compromise your integrity for anything or anyone. It really is unfortunate that the current dating environment (and its participants) had been reduced to a restaurant menu (aka tinder, Bumble, etc.) that is followed by a predetermined checklist that one has to meet. Maybe it's always been that way, but sure feels amplified these days.

I hate the cliche adages, but the right person will come into your life at the right time.

 

"Some people come into your life for a reason, some a season, and some a lifetime."

 

Yeah from my experience, online dating tends to exacerbate the worst behavior of some people and I met too many entitled persons which didn't have much to bring to the table, that's the craziest !

Only positive thing in all this is that I have now all the time, to work on my music and photography, just live to the fullest and not compromise as you say !

[sky09]

Yeah from my experience, online dating tends to exacerbate the worst behavior of some people and I met too many entitled persons which didn't have much to bring to the table, that's the craziest !

Only positive thing in all this is that I have now all the time, to work on my music and photography, just live to the fullest and not compromise as you say !

 

Exactly, "do you". Lots of people make dating and mating their primary "hobby" instead of trying to better themselves via other means (fear of being alone?). What would one bring to the table if they are not complete as an individual? Focus on yourself and if somebody happens to come by, it's going to be sort of a bonus then.

[Last Gentleman]

Well this has been a difficult weekend for many reasons, almost a month with no contact I'm very disapointed, it's again the let's stay in contact and she actually doesn't, so much for words !

 

I have been facing other bad stuff, friend dying, heart problems, badly falling on ice with this crazy cold wave and I was shocked to have nervous breakdown, suddenly when a friend asked me

about her saturday, I couldn't control myself and i didn't see this coming at all, I'm usually quite resilient and don't let myself get depressed, but I physically felt like s*** then the whole weekend

and it's still not great today, it's quite distressing !

[Wiseman2]

Wow, sorry all this is going on. Hang in there.

I have been facing other bad stuff, friend dying, heart problems, badly falling on ice with this crazy cold wave

[Last Gentleman]

Wow, sorry all this is going on. Hang in there.

 

Thanks hopefully finally got tests and my heart is fine, it was just apparently the stress talking, so I had another breakdown Monday and I guess I'm done, because

I just can't cry no more, tank empty so now is the time to move on !

[sky09]

Thanks hopefully finally got tests and my heart is fine, it was just apparently the stress talking, so I had another breakdown Monday and I guess I'm done, because

I just can't cry no more, tank empty so now is the time to move on !

 

C'mon, LG! Cry about what? Just focus on yourself and things you want to achieve. You have to be in the right mindset to attract another healthy individual. You know the theory, obviously, but just need to practice what you already know :) It looks like you've been red-pilled already (judging by some of your other posts), so work on that mindset. It sucks that it's been ingrained into us that you "have to" pair up, so, of course, you will be feeling deficient at times. As long as you're aware of those feelings, you can guide and position yourself. Take care of yourself.

[Last Gentleman]

C'mon, LG! Cry about what? Just focus on yourself and things you want to achieve. You have to be in the right mindset to attract another healthy individual. You know the theory, obviously, but just need to practice what you already know :) It looks like you've been red-pilled already (judging by some of your other posts), so work on that mindset. It sucks that it's been ingrained into us that you "have to" pair up, so, of course, you will be feeling deficient at times. As long as you're aware of those feelings, you can guide and position yourself. Take care of yourself.

 

Yeah I have been Red pilled still I'm not following the extremists views, I feel very strongly about behaving as a gentleman I'm just not taking bull anymore, but my issue now is having realized

I want to build a family, so not going to jump on the first woman passing by obviously. I know I'm only going to be 36 in june I still have time, It's just that I'm not really into dating at the moment

and the weirdest thing is it's been 2 weeks that women have been showing me high interest and I'm like W*F !!!

 

I'm open to talking to these women and have no problem being relaxed and fun, but I don't really feel like trusting any of them right now, if one maybe goes out of her way making real efforts to

connect and respects my time, then I might make efforts but honestly the next woman will have to qualify for my attention, I'm done being mostly the one making efforts !

 

Don't worry it was just all crap at the same time this weekend and since in my family my grandpa had a condition that can lead to aortic dissection, I was a little bit freaked out having palpitations

so I needed to go check my heart, while not freaking out my mom that already has enough problems. I was a little bit resentful, because this ex had health issues a while ago and I stood by her

side made her go to doctors, because she didn't want to and now she doesn't give a s***, my friends are all too busy so I was basically alone processing everything.

But it's not the first time I pull through and I am now feeling much better as my cold is getting better and I can sleep correctly, feeling energized again planning vacation and motorcycle travels !