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Thread: Should I stay? Am I being unrealistic about marriage?

  1. #21
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    I am going to post in the "Sex" category now to look into the consensus of the importance of sex in a marriage.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    I am going to post in the "Sex" category now to look into the consensus of the importance of sex in a marriage.
    people can see all the posts form all categories. They just click "latest". so it really doesn't get a new set of eyes.

  3. #23
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    people can see all the posts form all categories. They just click "latest". so it really doesn't get a new set of eyes.
    I understand that, but I figured its a much shorter easier to digest post and a more simplified approach.

  4. #24
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Update:
    It's been over a year and things still feel the same. We argue about stupid things, and I feel generally unhappy in the marriage.
    I throughly enjoy time spent with my kids and friends and family, but one on one with my wife is more of a chore.
    What is sad, is that I don't look forward to the future when the kids move away from the nest. I will probably have a more "roommates" relationship with her....or likely leave the marriage after the kids move out,
    and enjoy my senior years single and ready to mingle, or with someone who wants to hold hands, shares the same interests, and enjoys new experiences together.
    For now, I am trapped and I think I just have to accept it. I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.

    I am really working at:
    - the "happy wife, happy life" and doing much more than 70% of the household stuff, and many other things good husbands do. It hasn't worked in the past, but maybe it will take time?
    - trying to see the positive in the marriage. She is loyal (unlike my ex), she is a great Mom to our kids, she doesn't gamble, she doesn't beat me, she isn't a drug abuser.
    so things could be much worse.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    Update:
    It's been over a year and things still feel the same. We argue about stupid things, and I feel generally unhappy in the marriage.
    I throughly enjoy time spent with my kids and friends and family, but one on one with my wife is more of a chore.
    What is sad, is that I don't look forward to the future when the kids move away from the nest. I will probably have a more "roommates" relationship with her....or likely leave the marriage after the kids move out,
    and enjoy my senior years single and ready to mingle, or with someone who wants to hold hands, shares the same interests, and enjoys new experiences together.
    For now, I am trapped and I think I just have to accept it. I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.

    I am really working at:
    - the "happy wife, happy life" and doing much more than 70% of the household stuff, and many other things good husbands do. It hasn't worked in the past, but maybe it will take time?
    - trying to see the positive in the marriage. She is loyal (unlike my ex), she is a great Mom to our kids, she doesn't gamble, she doesn't beat me, she isn't a drug abuser.
    so things could be much worse.
    Would your wife be happy knowing you consider being with her "a chore"? Just because she doesn't abuse you doesn't by default make her a good wife or partner to you. Also, many people are better at being parents than spouses. Being a good parent doesn't make you a good spouse.

    I guess if you have decided to stay, you have. I'm not entirely sure why if you're so miserable?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    Update:
    It's been over a year and things still feel the same. We argue about stupid things, and I feel generally unhappy in the marriage.
    I throughly enjoy time spent with my kids and friends and family, but one on one with my wife is more of a chore.
    What is sad, is that I don't look forward to the future when the kids move away from the nest. I will probably have a more "roommates" relationship with her....or likely leave the marriage after the kids move out,
    and enjoy my senior years single and ready to mingle, or with someone who wants to hold hands, shares the same interests, and enjoys new experiences together.
    For now, I am trapped and I think I just have to accept it. I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.

    I am really working at:
    - the "happy wife, happy life" and doing much more than 70% of the household stuff, and many other things good husbands do. It hasn't worked in the past, but maybe it will take time?
    - trying to see the positive in the marriage. She is loyal (unlike my ex), she is a great Mom to our kids, she doesn't gamble, she doesn't beat me, she isn't a drug abuser.
    so things could be much worse.
    Iím new here and this thread is kind of heartbreaking to read because much of this is so familiar and really what brought me here in the first place - to see if reading these threads might help me figure something out or at least help me come to terms with it. So Iím sorry that I canít offer any helpful advice to you but I can empathise and Iím so sorry to hear that it hasnít got any better. Yes, I guess itís good that you are recognising positives in the situation - those are very real and not everyone has those things. Maybe these are trade offs and maybe we donít all get the perfect life.

    I wish I could offer some magical piece of advice because Iíd then follow it myself! But I wish you well and, if you find ways to help, please let us know.

    Redswim30, just on why someone would decide to stay, the destruction that leaving can cause would be immense, for so many people. And there is no guarantee of finding those things that are missing. I can totally understand why someone wouldnít break everything in that situation. While I donít envy anyone who is in a terrible relationship, there are times when that would be easier because at least then the solution is clear: you leave. But if a lot of life elements are actually working and yet your relationship with your wife is deeply unsatisfying, it leads to a very deep unhappiness around a life that, actually, can be working pretty well and could be far worse. At least I can only speak for my case.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    Update:
    It's been over a year and things still feel the same. We argue about stupid things, and I feel generally unhappy in the marriage.
    I throughly enjoy time spent with my kids and friends and family, but one on one with my wife is more of a chore.
    What is sad, is that I don't look forward to the future when the kids move away from the nest. I will probably have a more "roommates" relationship with her....or likely leave the marriage after the kids move out,
    and enjoy my senior years single and ready to mingle, or with someone who wants to hold hands, shares the same interests, and enjoys new experiences together.
    For now, I am trapped and I think I just have to accept it. I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.

    I am really working at:
    - the "happy wife, happy life" and doing much more than 70% of the household stuff, and many other things good husbands do. It hasn't worked in the past, but maybe it will take time?
    - trying to see the positive in the marriage. She is loyal (unlike my ex), she is a great Mom to our kids, she doesn't gamble, she doesn't beat me, she isn't a drug abuser.
    so things could be much worse.
    Codependent relationship at it's finest. ^^^

    Betterwithout, you would do well to get into your own personal therapy to figure out why you think that what you decide in your update is good enough.

    You don't believe you deserve happiness so you'd rather wallow in your codependence (using your children as a tool that keeps you from having the strength to change your lot for the better.) as Rue Paul says: "If you don't love yourself, how the hell do you expect anyone else to love you?" Google "codependent relationship" and educate yourself.

    That being said. Its your life, it's just sad to see you settle like that (more likely then not) until you meet some chicka that makes you feel you have worth wherein the odds dictate you will forget your vows and all that devotion to your children. I hope I'm wrong.

    just on why someone would decide to stay, the destruction that leaving can cause would be immense, for so many people.
    Codependent thinking at its finest.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Codependent thinking at its finest.
    I canít speak for Betterwithout but you had me very curious about this because, in all honesty, I know little about codependent relationships. Searching it up, yep, I recognise a couple of the boxes in this category but personally I would tick very, very few of them. Even though, as a term rather than a diagnosis, itís not a bad description but then wouldnít most marriages fall under that? I mean, just the word rather than the psychological definition. Maybe Iím not seeing what youíre seeing in our words, which I know is possible and maybe even likely - itís hard to have perspective on a situation when youíre in it. Maybe you could elaborate further?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    We are all codependent to some degree. It is when your whole life is dictated by it that it is an issue. Codependency is a set of learned behaviours that have you forgetting what is in your own best interests to the point that it affects your own emotional well being. It is an enabling mechanism that allows others to continue in inappropriate behaviour in order to keep the status quo because the thought of leaving is too terrifying to them. You have made yourself believe (in order to justify your staying) that you adventuring out of the codependent relationship would destroy others when stats have shown that two separated parents that are happy within and showing love and dedication (through joint custody and harmony together as parents) destroys no one. It is the unbalanced, revengeful, antagonistic, and absent parents that use their children as pawns that destroy lives.

    Here's a link that is relevant.

    [Register to see the link]

    Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They donít talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become ďsurvivors.Ē They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They donít talk. They donít touch. They donít confront. They donít feel. They donít trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

    Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other peopleís health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

  11. #30
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    Thank you for that. Thatís one of the links I read when you mentioned it and thanks for explaining your take on it. For me, yes, some of the things you write are correct in my case but I guess mine is a bit different to the OPís situation. The hard part (and yet what I should also be thankful for) is that so much in our lives is actually really good and the good things are connected to my wife and me being together. And she is a wonderful person. On paper, everything looks rosy and, in all honesty, Iím extremely fortunate in many ways. We donít really have tough issues to deal with (I mean beyond what many deal with such as money worries etc). Weíre not unbalanced, revengeful, antagonistic or absent. We donít even argue.

    But the love isnít there and, while there have been attempts to fix that over the years, I realised last year that itís an element that is just gone. Itís done. And it was gone for years and I knew it at times and pushed it down and got on with things until it grew inside me. And when everything seems great (and it is), itís hard to feel so unhappy inside.

    I didnít mean to hijack the thread! Sorry. I did come here desperately for advice but Iím trawling through the archives to see how others have faced similar situations before posting one of my own.

    Thank you for your thoughts. Some of what you describe is definitely applicable in some ways.

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