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Thread: Hurting over an LDR... somebody please tell me to stop being stupid.

  1. #1
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    Hurting over an LDR... somebody please tell me to stop being stupid.

    I met somebody over the internet a while ago. He lived too far away for anything to ever really work, but it didn't stop things from going further than they should've. Different to anybody else I'd ever met. Communicated well, made me feel good about myself, was sweet in a kinda dorky way, and we laughed lots. Discussed deep things, shared a lot of things, we were there for each other when we needed somebody and as unintentional as it was, fell for each other hard (or so it seemed, especially with things said and time spent). It felt like everything a relationship should be, and I really enjoyed his presence. Granted the distance was a pain, but there were options to overcome that in time, and that's what I thought we were working to.

    Now, about a couple of months ago, he starts behaving weirdly. Backing off, being distant. Conversations were suddenly hard work. His reasoning was that he'd realised how invested he'd become in something that was so precarious. Distance, his situation, my situation. I pressed a little further into things, turns out he has concerns about his attraction to me, because I don't have a perfect waist ratio, and I don't have "that certain look" to me. He discussed things about his past, how his heart wanted it, but his head didn't, yet he'd never loved so easily as this. Maintained that he was struggling to work on that, and wasn't sure he wanted to. I've tried to stay level and hear him out, and I have to an extent, but of course with things like that being said after he'd already declared over and over he "adored me", it did make me angry. I still am, to be honest.

    So, to cut a long story short, I hurt him with some harsh truths, and he's now blocked every form of contact. Right outcome, right? My head says different. I can't get my mind off of things, and I'm finding the void he left absolute torture right now. Why? I don't know. Somebody tell me to suck it up and stop being so stupid, please? He's an ass and it'll never work, so why am I so chewed up over this?! :moody:

  2. #2
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    Have you even met this person? You do not really know someone, until you have spent time in person. As you can see.

    It seems that he is only capable of virtual relationships, and is also quite shallow.

    I think you need to address why this fantasy/virtual 'relationship' was OK for you? Stop wasting your life in front of a computer screen, and get out and interact with people. IN PERSON!

    Do you have friends and get out socially, or do you stay in most of the time?

    This guy was a waste of time!!!!!!!!!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Why don't you want to be in a solid committed relationship? Its clear you don't want one because if you did, you wouldn't have given this guy the time of day. So, what's going on with you that has you commitment phobic?

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    I would say the guy is bipolar and he's entered his depressive phase. It has nothing to do with you. Apparently a lot of people who are depressed, bipolar, autistic, etc. engage in these online romances as a substitute for a real relationship. They're able to appear normal for a while online but something always seems to agitate them and they start heaping a lot of abuse onto their online partner. It creates a lot of confusion for the person who is the butt of this attack because of all the loving stuff they've said previously, but that's only because you didn't know the full history of the person you were chatting with. The depressed person is only trying to make you feel as bad as they do. You need to ignore the insults he's made and move on. Find someone in the real world to go out on dates with and hold tight at night. Don't get pulled into another online relationship.

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  6. #5
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    Holly - I do a combination of staying in/going out. I'm not an "online" freak... I just happened to wind up talking to somebody that I really "clicked" with, and I'd not found that for a long time. It wasn't okay, but it felt like it was because it was a comfort, I guess. I knew I could talk to him at any time of any day, and he'd be there. In any way I needed him to be. Supportive, funny, whatever. He was there. But you're right. 100%. He was a waste of time. But why won't my head accept that when it's so clear?

    TWT - I'd love to be in a committed relationship with the right person. My problem is that my life has a lot of changes going on right now, and I really didn't think I had time to find that. I guess he brought about a loneliness which was lurking below the surface... maybe it's time I get out dating again. I've been mildly commitment-phobic for a while, I guess because of bad past relationships, but clearly I'm at a point where I need something more.

    DanZee - Potentially. I don't think he'd ever admit to it if he were. The story is longer than I've laid out in the original post... we've been trying to talk through this for the past 6 weeks or so. It's hard because I'm angry, and he keeps burying his head in the sand. I know it's not the right fit, but you can't help what you fall for sometimes. And hell, it hurts.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    It would be helpful if you answered Holly's question...Have you met him in person?

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    How many times have you met in person?

    You mention his "presence", so I presume that means his in-person presence, not words on a computer screen or phone or an image on an electronic screen...correct?

    And I presume when you met him in person he had a perfect physical appearance? I ask because you wrote this:
    "he has concerns about his attraction to me, because I don't have a perfect waist ratio, and I don't have "that certain look""

  9. #8
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    I feel ridiculous answering this question, because I know how stupid it sounds on paper.

    I haven't met him in person. That was going to happen this summer. I know. I know. I'm stupid. I need you guys to tell me that. I've had plenty of real-life relationships and friendships, but this one really roped me in... and it's ripping me up. I guess because I thought he was different. Typical, right?

    And no, he's nothing special to look at, in all honesty. He's not my "type", and I could say exactly the same about him not being "perfect". But he expects people to accept him how he is, while not accepting others how they are (his words, not mine... after talking this out). I guess I'm less shallow than he is. That's a comfort at least.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    As requested - SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING STUPID!

    You havent even met him! OMG! You dont even know him. An online relationship is not a real relationship if you never meet. He could have lied about his situation, he could be married, living with a girl, have a child or two. You have no real idea of what he's all about.

    If you cant figure out how to put this in your past, on your own, get some therapy to learn how. When you are in a better frame of mind find a real guy you can see and hang out with, do things with.

  11. #10
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    With all of the time spent online, you could have possibly met someone local. You deserve that.

    This is a blessing in disguise, and should be motivation to get out and meet someone,

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