narcissistic ex - help/ how to get back at him

So this is a post about a narcisisstic, immature ex. Not an ex boyfriend, not an ex boy, but something in between. It was something in between because I wanted it that way, for which I was later on punished.

He's 22, I'm 26 and at the time I was looking for something casual but not just meaningless sex at 1am, without conversations, affection, some level of connection.. Also, we were exclusive. It was great at first, I liked him a lot, he was greeeat in bed, funny, very, very affectionate and always available for me, worked hard to impress me, we texted all day every day, there were „good morning“ and „good night“ messages everyday, updates on how our days were going and so on. He had everything I wanted at the time and was ok with keeping it secret and casual. Or so I thought. It was kind of like a relationship, but it wasn't called that. He started showing great affection, kept on asking what we were and why we arent more, why I'm not considering realtionship with him etc, but after just 2-3 weeks. He wanted all of our friends to know about us (we have some people in common and that's the reason it was a secret), wanted to go on summer vacation together, public dates etc. I'd say he was in love, as much as he could be, concidering he's immature, superficial, narcissistic and deeply sensitive. The clues were obvious – asking if he was the best in bed, the biggest, the strongest, if he had everything I was looking for in a man, boosted a lot, talked about himself and only himself, undermined other people's achievements, couldn't stand me mentioning other men, he got offended easily, never admitted to some obvious flaws and mistakes he made, wanted to appear like nothing could get to him, showed no empathy.

In his eyes, he is this great lover, great in bed and with the ladies, has a good job and is from an reasonably wealthy family, very entitled and self comfident, someone every girl wants to be with – and I rejected him every time he said he wanted something more – Him, who never had to try hard or try at all when girls are in question, but did it for me, was caring and gentle, he opened himself to me, stopped pretending. I admit, we really had a connection or something.

I was swept of my feet at the beginning also, I developed some emotions for him, was eager to see him, loved spending time with him, got used to his love-bombing and affection and I got really confused with it all but I was very clear from the beggining to the end about one thing – I wanted a casual thing at the time and I wouldn't change my mind no matter who I was seeing then, but also, I saw him for who he was from day one and knew I wanted nothing serious with a guy like him. I was conflicted between emotional and rational side and by the end, the emotional side won.

Also, i'm out of his leauge, I'm older, smarted, more intelligent and sophisticated...a great supply.

So, when he had enough of my „rejection“, he started being cruel to me, blowing me off and saying the never cared about me, that he was the one who wanted things to stay casual and i was the one who fell in love. Sometimes, he copy-pasted my messages back to me or said exact same things in those short moments when I was the one who wanted him, when he got me to a breaking point by reversing roles and distancing himself, denying me affection, contact, his time etc.

I lost perspective and allowed myself to be hurt by his words and actions, and what was worse – to react. I broke it off 3 times and all three, he crawled his way back in just so that he could hurt me more and reject me instead of me doing it to him. He was a whole another person. The most important thing to him was to make it clear he was in control and that HE was the one who didn't want ME anymore, not the other way around, that he could mess with me easily because he thought I was doing it to him. I believe he percived the whole thing as this great, calculated attack on him, something that made him feel threatened, undesireable, insecure and not worthy. He thought I was doing it on purpose so he wanted to get revenge, or so I believe.

We lost contact for 6 months, but a few days ago he contacted me (I'm over him, definitely and irreverseably). I can assume how big of a risk it was for him. He was very careful not to sound interested, tried a few times to ask me out but not in a direct way, asked if I met someone better than him (he mostly meant sexually). He is going away on business for four months and wanted to see me. We texted for two weeks and saw each other once. Nothing happened because I rejected his moves, we watched a movie and talked. He contacted me again with some nasty sexual messages, I turned him down but he contacted me again! Then, I decided why not, I wanted to see him on the last night he was here (to have sex, which was clear to him). He said he was going to get back to me later that day to comfirm the time ---but he never did. He left me on „seen“. Of course, what was I expecting. He felt threatened for a secong and his instincts kicked in – he had a chance to turn me down, to show me I had nothing on him and that he didn't want me, not even for sex and he couldn't pass it up.

So, my question is – what are your thoughts, is he a narcissist or just and immature, vengefull little and how to level the playing field, to make him give in again? Not for romantic reasons but to show him he's not messing with me again.

We lost contact for 6 months, but a few days ago he contacted me (I'm over him, definitely and irreverseably).

Block and delete him so he can't reach you again (if you're actually over him) it will make sure he can't "mess with you" again.

So you only wanted strictly casual right? You are totally over him, right? So I don't get it....what is your problem here? Casual is exactly that - maybe I feel like sleeping with you, maybe I found something better to do so I don't bother with you. You are being treated exactly like you want - casually.

The best revenge is not feeling the need for revenge.

You're still tied to it (and him) if that's your desire. Live well. Move on. That's all you need to do.

Also, i'm out of his leauge, I'm older, smarted, more intelligent and sophisticated...a great supply.

So, my question is – what are your thoughts, is he a narcissist or just and immature, vengefull little and how to level the playing field, to make him give in again? Not for romantic reasons but to show him he's not messing with me again.

Reread your post. I am sorry but you sound a somewhat narcissistic and immature yourself.

(I'm over him, definitely and irreversibly).

You say you are totally over him but if you are feeling revengeful, then I am sorry - you are not.

Being mature is to not engage in any of this nonsense.

Reread your post. I am sorry but you sound a somewhat narcissistic and immature yourself.

i'm out of his leauge, I'm older, smarted, more intelligent and sophisticated..

Let it go, Op. Time to move on with cold turkey, no contact withdrawl. Its how any addiction is overcome.

You know all about Narcissists and their tactics, so you know that all he is doing in calling you now is hoovering. He has no desire to actually see you or be with you, as a hoover is simply his way of reaching out and making sure you're still there, still accessible, that he can still get to you at any time. And that by your answering, he can back away, as you are now his secondary supply, and he knows you are safely tucked away.

You provided him with exactly what he wanted: fuel. By responding, each time, you give him more fuel. Like a car, once he gets fueled, he's topped off, and he can then drive away.

You know all the buzzwords of narcissism, as you've used many of them in your post. So I know you know about hoovering.

So to answer your question, how can you get back at him? You know this: No Contact. When you fail to provide a narcissist with fuel, they incur narcissistic injury.

Block, delete, don't check social media, do not respond to any texts, emails, Snapchats, etc.

And do this for yourself, not to get back at him.

Also, i'm out of his leauge, I'm older, smarted, more intelligent and sophisticated...a great supply.

I couldn't stop laughing at this...

First of all this guy was very much into you and wanted a real relationship and you said no. He he acted like an immature jerk because you rejected him.

Pretty typically human behavior here, although not the most mature.

If you want a relationship that is everything like a real one but has some arbitrary stipulations that make it not then don't be surprised if the other person catches feelings.

Hell, most emotionally available individuals would catch feelings in that kind of situation.

Please do this guy a favor and just NC him forever. Hopefully he will get over you and then be able to have a normal and healthy relationship.

If anyone is registering as a narcissist in this story it would be you, not him.

You know all about Narcissists and their tactics, so you know that all he is doing in calling you now is hoovering. He has no desire to actually see you or be with you, as a hoover

He contacted me again with some nasty sexual messages, I turned him down but he contacted me again! Then, I decided why not, I wanted to see him on the last night he was here (to have sex, which was clear to him).

You know all about Narcissists and their tactics, so you know that all he is doing in calling you now is hoovering. He has no desire to actually see you or be with you, as a hoover is simply his way of reaching out and making sure you're still there, still accessible, that he can still get to you at any time. And that by your answering, he can back away, as you are now his secondary supply, and he knows you are safely tucked away.

 

You provided him with exactly what he wanted: fuel. By responding, each time, you give him more fuel. Like a car, once he gets fueled, he's topped off, and he can then drive away.

 

You know all the buzzwords of narcissism, as you've used many of them in your post. So I know you know about hoovering.

 

So to answer your question, how can you get back at him? You know this: No Contact. When you fail to provide a narcissist with fuel, they incur narcissistic injury.

 

Block, delete, don't check social media, do not respond to any texts, emails, Snapchats, etc.

 

And do this for yourself, not to get back at him.

I feel that you might be a bit too subjective in your assessment of this post.

I feel that you might be a bit too subjective in your assessment of this post.

I'm inclined to agree.

I'm inclined to agree.

My post was in reference to her assessment, not my own experience. She was the one who used all the words about narcissism, so I spoke to her in the language she was using.

If you read to the bottom of my post, I indicated that she needed to go no contact for herself, not for getting "back" at him.'

Why the need to turn this into an attack on me?

My post was in reference to her assessment, not my own experience. She was the one who used all the words about narcissism, so I spoke to her in the language she was using.

 

If you read to the bottom of my post, I indicated that she needed to go no contact for herself, not for getting "back" at him.'

 

Why the need to turn this into an attack on me?

Oh I totally agree with your conclusion. It is the same thing I said.

But it just seems like the logic behind that conclusion is just fueling the irrationality of the OP.

Labeling his actions based on narsassistic tendencies is fueling her in a negative way. That was my take.

You also seem much more experienced and knowledgeable with a SO being a narsassist than most people commenting.

I am sure you would be much more useful than myself in helping a person who is dating a narsassist. I just don't feel that that label is even remotely applicable to this guy.

I didn't mean to be rude to you by saying your post was subjective. I just feel that saying those things will only give the OP more conviction.

My post was in reference to her assessment, not my own experience. She was the one who used all the words about narcissism, so I spoke to her in the language she was using.

 

If you read to the bottom of my post, I indicated that she needed to go no contact for herself, not for getting "back" at him.'

 

Why the need to turn this into an attack on me?

Not an attack, just an observation as I see no indication that the op's FB was a narcissist. Sorry you read the comment as an attack on you.

Not an attack, just an observation as I see no indication that the op's FB was a narcissist. Sorry you read the comment as an attack on you.

LH. . maybe a better way of saying it, it's just a sensitive subject for you given your recent personal experience.

Not in insult.

Just because someone doesn't want to be with you it doesn't mean that their narcissistic or bad people. And if you just really wanted a fwb relationship and rejected his attempts to have a relationship with you, I don't know what's your problem now. Just move on.