Struggling..

Hello all,

Firstly, let me say that this is a wonderful site as it helps provide a certain level of comfort knowing that there are many caring people out there and others going through similar experiences.

Just over a month ago, my ex-gf of 3 years decided she wanted to be on her own for a while and that we were over, for the time being. She had been fairly distant for a few weeks before and it did not come as a major shock, but it still hurt and upset me. Although I say this, there were still plans for the future we had discussed up to that day.

When she informed me of the relationship end (via message!!), she said she did not want anything of hers that she left at my flat (quite a considerable amount of clothes etc).

I had suspicions that there was someone else involved, but never had any hard evidence of this.

We are both single parents and the kids get on great together, which adds to the hurt.

For the next week or so I tried to discuss things with her, but to no avail (In hindsight, I know that I shouldn't have done this, but it is what I felt I needed to do at the time, and any time we had fallen out previously, we had talked and sorted it).

There were a few texts exchanged in the few days afterwards, but nothing that really leaned towards a reconciliation. I have now not seen her for 3 weeks, since accidentally bumping into her in town (just a brief hello). I then e-mailed her a week ago, to discuss logistics of getting some personal items back from her house and details of car insurance cancellation (she was driving my car). I am yet to have a response to this. She has not uninsured or untaxed the car in the past month (whilst I own the car, I was not driving it).

When the break-up happened, I deleted her from Facebook (I couldn't handle what I may see) and she then blocked me on whattsapp.

In all honesty, I put so much into the relationship. Whilst I could accept it is finished, even though it hurts immensely (although would prefer to reconcile), I am struggling to come to terms in my head with the coldness of it all, like the time together never happened. There has been no empathy or warmth from her in any communication since the split.

We both live in a small town and there are constant reminders of her and our relationship everywhere I go.

Is a month of this long enough to know that this is dead in the water? She has always been intensely stubborn and I didn't want to give up if there was any hope.

This is already dead in the water. You did what you could without any reciprocation.

Perhaps try one last push to talk about things, even just to get closure but don't expect anything meaningful. At least this way you know you tried everything you could.

Doesnt sound like there is any hope. Woman can be stubborn, doesnt always mean there is someone else but sometimes people may shut down from things to stop it hurting them. Sounds like she cut you off to protect herself possibly as well as wanting a some what clean break! My advice would be to cut your losses and move on. It hurts a massive amount at first but you will be ok eventually im sure.

I think she knew she was done when she said it was over and I wouldn't dwell on this if I were you. I'm not comparing you to him but my ex boyfriend was pretty bad at being a boyfriend so I dropped hints then left pretty suddenly too. It's now months later and he sometimes still calls, and it's really going to bring him nowhere. I wish he'd move on and find something good in life other than me.

Sounds like she really is done and doing what's necessary to move on. Communication and warmth would actually make things much more difficult for the two of you and open up the door to getting back together. I think as you heal from this, you'll find that quitting this cold turkey is actually better than talking to her and feeling like there might still be a chance. Granted, right now it sure doesn't feel like a good thing, but give it a few more months and you'll heal so much faster because of this.

That said, she doesn't just get to walk out and keep driving your car and refuse to respond to you about that. She needs to return your things, including your vehicle, and you need to return hers regardless of her claims that she doesn't want them. Keep it civil, but be firm that ignoring you about these things isn't acceptable.

I've been in this situation a few times.

Look at the way she is acting towards you right now, and ask yourself this. What is she doing in the present to entice this sort of emotion in you? Nothing. Would you go on a second date with someone who was acting cold? I sincerely hope not.

Yes, I know she was an amazing person, in the PAST. People change, they change with themselves and towards other people. She's not being an amazon person right now is she. 'But she could be again,' your probably thinking. But she isn't, is she.

Have a bit of cynicism and reality in your outlook with people. She won your affection in the past, but she's not doing that now. Your main role in life, is that of a father. Is this ex contributing to your role in life as father and provider? No, so she has to go. That simple.

She informed you that the relationship was over by a message even though you shared 3 years with her . That says enough about her ability to be cold and shut down when she wants to so I would focus on this anytime you remember the great times you had . You deserved to have been broken up with in a respectful way and given closure even if it was a difficult conversation for her to have

I tend to believe people who say that they're done, because the alternative is to waste my healing time wishing for them to come back even while I've already learned that I couldn't trust them not to pull the rug out from under me again if they did come back. So that's a wasted mind spin.

I'd rather relax and trust that if we were ever a meant-to-be deal, then we'll meet again on higher ground someday, but we'll both need to grow to that place on our own. This motivates me to start my own move forward rather than ruminating and drilling myself a deeper hole to climb out of. I make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. I focus on rebuilding my relationships with family and friends who I may have neglected during my relationship, and I explore new interests and set new goals to move myself beyond my grief.

This is my percentage play, because if ex ever wants to return, I'll have gained new perspective to form a whole new relationship with him--or not. If ex never returns, then I've built a new foundation to form a whole new relationship with someone else. Either way, I've liberated myself from rumination hell, and I will thank myself later.

Head high.

Hello all,

 

Firstly, let me say that this is a wonderful site as it helps provide a certain level of comfort knowing that there are many caring people out there and others going through similar experiences.

 

Just over a month ago, my ex-gf of 3 years decided she wanted to be on her own for a while and that we were over, for the time being. She had been fairly distant for a few weeks before and it did not come as a major shock, but it still hurt and upset me. Although I say this, there were still plans for the future we had discussed up to that day.

When she informed me of the relationship end (via message!!), she said she did not want anything of hers that she left at my flat (quite a considerable amount of clothes etc).

I had suspicions that there was someone else involved, but never had any hard evidence of this.

We are both single parents and the kids get on great together, which adds to the hurt.

For the next week or so I tried to discuss things with her, but to no avail (In hindsight, I know that I shouldn't have done this, but it is what I felt I needed to do at the time, and any time we had fallen out previously, we had talked and sorted it).

There were a few texts exchanged in the few days afterwards, but nothing that really leaned towards a reconciliation. I have now not seen her for 3 weeks, since accidentally bumping into her in town (just a brief hello). I then e-mailed her a week ago, to discuss logistics of getting some personal items back from her house and details of car insurance cancellation (she was driving my car). I am yet to have a response to this. She has not uninsured or untaxed the car in the past month (whilst I own the car, I was not driving it).

When the break-up happened, I deleted her from Facebook (I couldn't handle what I may see) and she then blocked me on whattsapp.

In all honesty, I put so much into the relationship. Whilst I could accept it is finished, even though it hurts immensely (although would prefer to reconcile), I am struggling to come to terms in my head with the coldness of it all, like the time together never happened. There has been no empathy or warmth from her in any communication since the split.

We both live in a small town and there are constant reminders of her and our relationship everywhere I go.

Is a month of this long enough to know that this is dead in the water? She has always been intensely stubborn and I didn't want to give up if there was any hope.

 

1 month is nothing in breakup time.

 

If you're hoping for a reconnect, you should look at the 3-6 month window, maybe even a year, that's when people realize the grass isn't actually greener on the other side, but where you water it.

 

BUT - and this is a big BUT - DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT hope/wait for it. You need to start moving on and there's no guarantee she'll ever come back.

Thanks all.

I really appreciate your feedback on the issue.

Yes, my son is my number 1 priority and always will be.

I guess I am struggling with the way it was done and the harsh finality of it all. Been in denial over it the last few weeks and will have to deal with the pain and try to look forward.

To not even contact in an amicable way to discuss the loose ends hurts too.

 

To not even contact in an amicable way to discuss the loose ends hurts too.

This is a part of who she really is. Its easy to fall in love with someone, when their in the first flush of love and on best behaviour. Building up to, during and after the break up you get to see who that person is also. Thats why I encourage the dumped to have a look at that cold behaviour and ask if you'd give such a person a 2nd date if they were acting that way on the first. No way. So she's not doing anything enticing, and you have your child and life to live. Nothing lost.