What’s the real reason she dumped me

Need a little advice here or at least a second opinion please.

We were together for 9 months. I know it’s not that long in the grand scheme of things but we got very close in this time. Since about month 3 or 4 we were spending 6 or 7 nights a week together.

Things were great till about a month ago when we had a fight at my sisters wedding and she almost broke up with me. I gave her some space and she finally started coming around.

Until last week. I lied to her about a little whisky I drank out of a bottle that was at her house. She asked me twice and I lied and said it wasn’t me. I finally realised I was being stupid lying to her and told her the truth. She flipped and said she was done. Wouldn’t even give me a chance to explain myself.

A little more background to give some perspective. Her last boyfriend overdosed and died of heroine a little over a year ago. She said that I lied the same way he did. She has also compared me to other ex bfs of hers before, but when I called her out on it she explained to me that she was just scared and really I was nothing like them and she was the best person she ever dated. She was proud to be with me and appreciates everything I do for her and that I care so much about her. She said that I was so good to her that sometimes she didn’t know how to react and her biggest fear was losing me.

Fast forward to Monday. I had tried talking to her a little over the weekend but she was obviously still very upset so I gave her time. She dropped off my stuff at work and said she didn’t want things to end this way.

It’s been no contact since then. I feel like there is a little hope but I’m not sure. I’m having a really hard time but I’m not going to call or text her. Do you think I have any chance if I just try to move on and wait for her to miss me and contact me? I really would like to get back together.

She did the dumping, if you go after her you risk pushing her further away.

Give her space, and time to calm down.

No one likes to be lied to, and when you mention her past, and the fact that she asked about alcohol,

undoubtedly it triggered painful memories for her.

If you feel the need to apologize because she wouldn't hear you out, I think the best way is to actually

write a handwritten letter or card. It shows more effort than sending a text or leaving a message.

Don't beg or plead to be together, just address the issue that caused the breakup. Keep it short.

I can't say she will respond, but at least you apologize, which is truly owed her.

The real reason? Trust. You broke it. It's very hard to be with someone if you don't trust them, and especially since she is dealing with drug/alcohol-related baggage following the death of a loved one, this would be a difficult thing for her to overcome

Personally, I would ask if she is willing to meet or speak on the phone so you can prepare and deliver a well thought out apology where you explain you are deeply sorry for how your actions must have made her feel considering her history and the history between the two of you. I would not ask her immediately if she wants to be together again, but simply make sure she is alright and that she knows you are sorry

Maybe you will heal from this together or maybe she will decide it was too much. That's not up to you. What is up to you is acknowledging/validating her feelings on the matter

Did you know about her recent X and yet you chose to lie? That's pretty cold. Its not just the lie, its the heart of the person who knowingly did it even knowing her fear.

Can you see where she is coming from or are you just looking out for you?

What was the fight at your sister's wedding about?

The fight at your sister's wedding sounds crucial,if you want better advice you may want to include that.

I apologise for this question,but do you have a drinking problem?

She did the dumping, if you go after her you risk pushing her further away.

Give her space, and time to calm down.

 

No one likes to be lied to, and when you mention her past, and the fact that she asked about alcohol,

undoubtedly it triggered painful memories for her.

 

If you feel the need to apologize because she wouldn't hear you out, I think the best way is to actually

write a handwritten letter or card. It shows more effort than sending a text or leaving a message.

Don't beg or plead to be together, just address the issue that caused the breakup. Keep it short.

 

I can't say she will respond, but at least you apologize, which is truly owed her.

Don’t get me wrong. I definitely apologised to her both immediately following the lie and again the next day which was a genuine apology.

I feel terrible for hurting her like I did.

Move on.

 

One of two things can happen - you either find someone else who will make you just as, if not more, happy and you forget about her; or she will come crawling back to you.

 

It's a win-win. You energy is better spent towards building something new, than to fix something broken.

 

Although I do not condone lying, but lies are rarely dealbreakers for relationships (especially your lie about a little drink, unless you are not telling us the entire story). A girl who is truly in love with you who cannot fathom letting you go will NOT dump you based on something small such as this, she would kick/scream and be angry at you, but not break up.

 

There is a bigger reason for the break up than lying about a drink. It is almost always because she has emotionally moved on.

 

I know it is said easier than done, but forget about her. Go for a run, clear your head, then come back and write down a list of goals you have put off till now, go accomplish them.

 

P.S. what kind of chicks are you messing with? She used to date a heroin addict.

She is actually a very good girl. Just got involved with the wrong people in the past.

The fight at your sister's wedding sounds crucial,if you want better advice you may want to include that.

 

I apologise for this question,but do you have a drinking problem?

I was a groomsman at my sisters wedding and she was upset that I was not paying attention to her. I was trying to talk to her as much as I could but understandably I was busy. Later I got upset with her because she was flirting with people in front of me I believe to try to get back at me. It’s not like I flipped out at her I just asked her to stop and try to see what was wrong.

She went crazy and threatened to break up with me then. I talked to her and she calmed down but she said it was a big deal.

We had a trip planned to the beach the next day and we went through with it and had a great weekend anyway. I thought everything was ok till we got back and said she wanted some space. I have that to her and it was just a few days before she wanted to see me. She said we would be ok and that she wanted to be with me and loved me. But if anything else happened she would break up with me.

I just assumed things were getting better after the past month and that this even though it was a lie it was a white lie and she wouldn’t do that. Was she just looking for an excuse to get out.

I know I’ve been pretty immature for a 29 year old but people do stupid things when it comes to love sometimes right? I mean overall I treat this girl very well. Communication is excellent and I was always there for her when she needed me.

I was a groomsman at my sisters wedding and she was upset that I was not paying attention to her. I was trying to talk to her as much as I could but understandably I was busy. Later I got upset with her because she was flirting with people in front of me I believe to try to get back at me. It’s not like I flipped out at her I just asked her to stop and try to see what was wrong.

 

She went crazy and threatened to break up with me then. I talked to her and she calmed down but she said it was a big deal.

 

We had a trip planned to the beach the next day and we went through with it and had a great weekend anyway. I thought everything was ok till we got back and said she wanted some space. I have that to her and it was just a few days before she wanted to see me. She said we would be ok and that she wanted to be with me and loved me. But if anything else happened she would break up with me.

 

I just assumed things were getting better after the past month and that this even though it was a lie it was a white lie and she wouldn’t do that. Was she just looking for an excuse to get out.

 

I know I’ve been pretty immature for a 29 year old but people do stupid things when it comes to love sometimes right? I mean overall I treat this girl very well. Communication is excellent and I was always there for her when she needed me.

The lie about drinking wouldn't have been THAT big of a deal had she not previously been thru it with her ex... So it IS a HUGE deal to her because of what she went thru. As it should be. It's a good thing she realizes this. I think regardless if you apologized in person, a written letter/card would still be something good on your part to do. Show her the extra effort and how truly sorry you are. But that's it. Give her space and time. If it's meant to be and she's able to forgive you, the balls now in her court. Any extra effort you try to put forth will just likely make her run the other way..

The lie about drinking wouldn't have been THAT big of a deal had she not previously been thru it with her ex... So it IS a HUGE deal to her because of what she went thru. As it should be. It's a good thing she realizes this. I think regardless if you apologized in person, a written letter/card would still be something good on your part to do. Show her the extra effort and how truly sorry you are. But that's it. Give her space and time. If it's meant to be and she's able to forgive you, the balls now in her court. Any extra effort you try to put forth will just likely make her run the other way..

Would it be too much to send her flowers and an apology card? I was thinking of doing this today or tomorrow. Tomorrow will be one week since it happened.

Would it be too much to send her flowers and an apology card? I was thinking of doing this today or tomorrow. Tomorrow will be one week since it happened.

Hmm... it really depends on her... but I definitely think the note/letter/card should be handwritten by you, not a florist.... I like flowers and think they're a nice gesture but also say they just die and are a waste of $$... Come up with something more clever unless she's a likes getting flowers kind of girl...

Ill be honest, she sounds like a lot of work. And I can imagine that being with her will demand and draw a lot of your attention and it could very well feel like a second full time job. I am not being mean or trying not to be, but doesn't sound like you will have your freedom. Every waking moment and every free min you have will be devoted to her. I could be wrong, but if she cant share you during a wedding reception when you are a part of the wedding then she is going to be a handful. Maybe she should seek counseling for her past. Its hard to move forward with anyone unless the past is behind you. Good luck..

Thanks for the clarification! I think maybe the answer is deeper in the past. If she was flirting and she usually doesn't,she miiiiight have been thinking about breaking up earlier. So look into your other problematic area as a couple.

Edit: and also what no1 said.

Ill be honest, she sounds like a lot of work. And I can imagine that being with her will demand and draw a lot of your attention and it could very well feel like a second full time job. I am not being mean or trying not to be, but doesn't sound like you will have your freedom. Every waking moment and every free min you have will be devoted to her. I could be wrong, but if she cant share you during a wedding reception when you are a part of the wedding then she is going to be a handful. Maybe she should seek counseling for her past. Its hard to move forward with anyone unless the past is behind you. Good luck..

I know that she is a lot of work and that she gets upset very easily, but she is so worth it. If we got back together I could see myself spending the rest of my life proving that to her and I think we would be very happy together.

Thanks for the clarification! I think maybe the answer is deeper in the past. If she was flirting and she usually doesn't,she miiiiight have been thinking about breaking up earlier. So look into your other problematic area as a couple.

 

Edit: and also what no1 said.

She is actually naturally kind of flirty. And she says it’s just her perosnanlity/ being friendly. I’m not a very possessive or jealous boyfriend but it is a conversation we’ve had before(not fight)

She compares me often to her exes and this is another problem I know she’s had in my past.

I wish she wouldn’t compare me so much to other people. I think we would have a much better relationship. But I think this is something she regularly does. From what I know most of her previous relationships have ended around this same time period. I feel like she’s just not giving me enough of a chance despite her telling me before that she thought I might be the one.

Try to stop focusing then on the why you broke up and start focusing on the why you loves being with her. She doesn't sound fun. I know, everyone has a fun side,but the real struggle is understanding if the bad aspects of someone are easy enough to tolerate. Is she really worth it? Don't count how good the sex was or the amount of unjustified "love" you feel for her. If she was a new option for you,would you go for it?

Try to stop focusing then on the why you broke up and start focusing on the why you loves being with her. She doesn't sound fun. I know, everyone has a fun side,but the real struggle is understanding if the bad aspects of someone are easy enough to tolerate. Is she really worth it? Don't count how good the sex was or the amount of unjustified "love" you feel for her. If she was a new option for you,would you go for it?

We did have a lot of fun and were very compatible. Despite the bad aspects she is absolutely worth it.

I’ve decided that I need to give this one last shot. She is definitely at least due a sincere apology if nothing else. I’m going to keep it short and sweet I think and make no promises or suggest that we talk to try to work things out. That ball will be in her court and I have no expectations. But I would be very happy if we could get back together at some point. Please let me know what you think of this:

“I just wanted to reach out and sincerely apologise for lying to you. You gave me your trust as I gave you mine but I betrayed that. I know it is a big deal and you are right to be upset. I feel totally ashamed for hurting you the way I did. I’ve been thinking about how badly I screwed up and hurt someone I love so much. What I would do to be able to go back in time and just be honest with you so I could take away all the pain. I’m truly Sorry.”

Lying is a huge deal to me. I don't care if it is a lie that doesn't make a difference or not. A break in trust will ruin a relationship with me.

Also, her last bf died of an OD. She has some serious baggage and you lied about something that is a huge deal to her.

Right now you can do it because you are wound up and excited and you have the thrill of the chase. But remember what happened when you two were comfortable. You lied to her. One can walk on egg shells but cant do it forever. And if you have to be careful what you say at all times then it will eventually wear you down. Doesn't matter how wonderful or how hot she is or how great the sex is, it will wear you down. I can only speak for myself of course, but it having to think that much about your GF is going to take a toll.

Good luck to you.

I really appreciate everyone’s help and advice here, but now I’m just confused. No1 what you said got me thinking more and realized that maybe she is not worth it. I mean we had a lot of good times together but she was always picking little fights with me over stupid stuff. So that’s what I was thinking last night and decided to hold off on any apology.

Now I’m rethinking it and wondering if we could make it work. I just don’t know the difference between missing her and still wanting to make thing work. Maybe she deserves a more sincere aplology and flowers no matter what my intentions are?

I didn't meant to sound that she was not worth it. What I more meant to say was that is she a good fit for you? Only you can answer that. I'm saying that she is going to demand a lot of time and attention. She has her past to deal with and you are going to be an outlet for it from time to time and fights will happen. If that is what you want or feel that you are ready for, then I would suggest that you two get couples counseling and work thru it, but know as she is healing she is going to demand a lot of time and attention.

She could very well be a wonderful girl. Perhaps the timing is not right, who knows. Love is blind and when people are blindly in love, they don't see what others see. Only you can answer the question if she is what you want and what would make you happy over always walking on egg shells.

Oh and nothing wrong with sending an I'm sorry note or message. As long as you convey that you are sorry for what you have done and what you can say I did what I thought was right.

So I did send flowers and an aplology letter last Wednesday. I thought it would help me move on just knowing that I apologised. Well on Friday she emailed me and said thank you it was very thoughtful. She said this had been very hard on her. And as I expected she said it is about her past and that she just can’t let it happen again that someone keeps lying to her. Then later she texted me and said that she accepts my apology and forgives me.

I didn’t respond till Saturday since I didn’t want to say anything stupid. Basically I said that I didn’t expect her to put herself in that situation because I wasn’t a chronic liar. I screwed up once and that was that. I told her that if she ever thought she could try and trust me again then I’d be here.

It sort of helps to know that she has forgiven me but honestly it makes it even harder for me. I know that she said she can’t trust me anymore but the fact that she says she has forgiven me makes me feel like I have a chance but I know that’s probably not true.

I guess there’s nothing I can do but wait for her to contact me. I know it will probably never happen but I can hope.

There is someone out there that is better for you. If you were with her, you would be walking on egg shells the whole relationship and thats no way to live. Find someone who you can be free to be you.