Need advice: getting back together with ex boyfriend

Hi guys,

I'm trying to get back with my ex boyfriend who I still very much like, and because I still think we were perfect together. I just want to share my story with you guys, and get your opinion about what I should do next.

Me and my ex broke up 7 weeks ago, after a pretty much flawless 4 year relationship. We didn’t live together, but did saw each other up to 3 days each week. In short the reason for the break up was loss of trust from his part. He caught me messaging with other guys on apps and Whatsapp. I never actually cheated on him, but obviously this hurt him a lot. He just didn’t know what to do anymore, and lost all trust in me.

I implemented the no contact rule directly after the break up. After a little over 30 days I contacted him with an upbeat message, and he said it was way too soon to meet up again (I didn’t suggest we should, he just assumed that). I told him that was not my intention, and went on to try to make a conversation with him. He didn’t respond.

The next week I gave it another try. This time no message, but just a picture on Snapchat which should’ve made him laugh. He actually responded to it and we had I short conversation. I ended it soon after. A couple of days later I tried the same thing again, this time there was no reply. The day after I got a message, he wanted to meet up to talk. I accepted and we went to get a coffee in town two days later. We talked and he told me he thinks we can never be together anymore because too much has happend. I said I didn’t expect anything different, and that I’m totally okay with the break up (to make him feel secure, and that it's ok to talk to me). I showed him myself and all the progress I made (it’s a lot, both physical as mental (professional help – self asteem, which was the main cause of the messages according to my psychologist, and so forth)). We decided that we want to be friends, and start talking a bit more again. He just doesn’t know how to just yet. But he told me he wants to try.

This now is two days ago. An hour after the meeting I sent him a message saying I liked talking to him, and that it was good to hear that he is doing well. He didn’t reply to it, he neither has to, but I was a little disappointed as we’d said we wanted to talk a little more.

Right now I don’t really know what to do next. I could either give him more time, let it all sink in. I somehow have to rebuild the trust with him, and this could obviously be a long process. And I think this can only be done by actual interaction, showing him who I am, als also rebuilding attraction. This is difficult, especially since I’m not sure if he’s open to a real positive conversation. We always texted a lot, so this would be the obvious way to start talking again.

What do you guys think? 😀 And if you think I should talk to him, how should I start and build the conversation?

Obviously I really want to get back with him. We've had a wonderful relationship and have many things in common. All my friends and family are saying they expect us to be together again, because we were so perfect together. For me however it feels like we never will be at this moment, and I'm willing to work for it but in the right way. For now that was mainly working on myself, which I did and I will continu to do so. But that also includes regaining trust and building attraction and so on..

I am not sure if you are being honest with yourself in what is happening. He doesn't sound very forthcoming about the idea of getting back together....he has said to you that he doesn't think you can be together anymore. I think he still has feelings for you (hence accepting to meet etc) and you have shown him who you are and how you are willing to change and work on things. That is ALL you can do. You'll just get drained by trying to chase more and more. He may come back, he may not, but you can't force it. He needs to show the same commitment as you. And that has to come from him independently. If he doesn't believe the relationship is worth trying to save, then leave it be and move on and keep doing what you are doing to work on yourself. I've heard of successful reconciliation stories but that's after MUCH more time has gone by. He probably doesn't have much faith that you can really change in a month after the break up. Does that make sense?

What did the messages between you and these other guys consist of? Flirting? Or small talk?

It's ok to have friendships with the opposite sex, but your post makes it seem like you've emotionally cheated in some way with inappropriate chats and I wanted to clarify if this is the case since you said you didn't cheat.

@ Pretzel: I think you are right. It probably needs more time. Lots more time. I've told him about my work with the psychologist during our meeting. He didn't know about this before. But obviously I indeed can't change completely within a month or so. I've made huge steps already, and I think he has seen that, but I'm not there yet. I won't try to chase him, as that just won't work. I for sure will keep working on myself, it is also really good for me as a person. I just hope someday he will be ready to talk to me again, maybe just as friends as first. And just see what'll happen from there.

@ Yatsue: Yes you are right. I am honest with myself though. I'm not a native english speaker, in my native language we consider cheating as actually have sex with someone. I didn't. But it most definitely was emotional cheating.. It all happend because of problems I had with myself, which I now have professional help with. It however was very bad, and I feel very bad about it.

The talks we've had were just small talk. During our meeting we talked about the more heavy stuff, like how we're both doing and how I'm working on myself. As well as about 'us'.

I haven't spoken with him since, and I think I'll keep it like that for a while now. He still follows me on all social media, so he kan keep up with some things I'm doing (and up to a certain extent the progress I'm making, although I'm not that active). Maybe he'll send me something at some point, maybe he won't. Even though I really want to give it a honest chance, it has to be mutual - even if it's just as friends. And I'm guessing he isn't ready for that yet, even though he said he wanted to.

Once trust is broken, it is hard to view the person the same way again. I speak from experience. It shakes something in the core of the relationship that can be very hard to repair, and many aren't motivated to try. How long had you been messaging these other guys, and how did your ex find out? What sort of things were you saying to/sharing with these guys?

I would leave him be unless he reaches out. He knows how you feel, and he now also knows you've taken some steps to improve yourself. You've done all you can do for the moment. The rest is up to him. Wanting to talk a little more does not mean it will actually happen, I'm afraid.

@MissCanuck It all started of with an ex of mine trying to blackmail me with sexual pictures. According to my psychologist this is is what was the moment from where on my self-esteem was that low that I was trying to find any form of 'confirmation' from others. At first I got this out of my regular life, but then I had to check apps because of my ex sending around pictures of me.. and I found out this was a really easy way to feel more accepted or something. The conversations were sexual. Obviously this was a huge mistake, and I should have never done this. I should have faced the problem, but I guess at the time I found it easier to just put it away like that. That being said, I also have to add we were in an open relationship for the last 6 months of our relationship, we are both anything but narrow minded.

I presume you have been following the advice of those "get your ex back, guaranteed! !!" websites.

Those sites and their advice don't work. If they did, no one would ever stay broken up.

Let him reach out to you. He may or may not, but trying to use those steps to get him back will look painfully transparent.

@MissCanuck It all started of with an ex of mine trying to blackmail me with sexual pictures. According to my psychologist this is is what was the moment from where on my self-esteem was that low that I was trying to find any form of 'confirmation' from others. At first I got this out of my regular life, but then I had to check apps because of my ex sending around pictures of me.. and I found out this was a really easy way to feel more accepted or something. The conversations were sexual. Obviously this was a huge mistake, and I should have never done this. I should have faced the problem, but I guess at the time I found it easier to just put it away like that. That being said, I also have to add we were in an open relationship for the last 6 months of our relationship, we are both anything but narrow minded.

And why did you two decide to open the relationship?

@MissCanuck It all started of with an ex of mine trying to blackmail me with sexual pictures. According to my psychologist this is is what was the moment from where on my self-esteem was that low that I was trying to find any form of 'confirmation' from others. At first I got this out of my regular life, but then I had to check apps because of my ex sending around pictures of me.. and I found out this was a really easy way to feel more accepted or something. The conversations were sexual. Obviously this was a huge mistake, and I should have never done this. I should have faced the problem, but I guess at the time I found it easier to just put it away like that. That being said, I also have to add we were in an open relationship for the last 6 months of our relationship, we are both anything but narrow minded.

Wait a second. I was taking this in the context that this was a monogamous 'closed' relationship. If you only messaged other guys during the open relationship period, then I would be inclined to say as long as you didn't violate any established rules for this then you didn't emotionally cheat. Why did he have a problem with you talking to these guys while in an open relationship then? You both agreed to see other people, so what were the rules you stated, if any?

Wait a second. I was taking this in the context that this was a monogamous 'closed' relationship. If you only messaged other guys during the open relationship period, then I would be inclined to say as long as you didn't violate any established rules for this then you didn't emotionally cheat. Why did he have a problem with you talking to these guys while in an open relationship then? You both agreed to see other people, so what were the rules you stated, if any?

Yes, while it's true we had an open relationship, which actually was his idea, I still think I cheated emotionally on him. These conversations already happened before we were in the open relationship, and continued (and got worse) when we were in it. So yes, he felt cheated on, and he's right in saying that. As for why I did it, I never knew why I did it. It felt like some kind of addiction I couldn’t stop. Of course I shouldn’t have done it, I hate myself for it, and how strange as it might sound it didn’t have anything to do with my love for him. But rather with myself, my own personal problems. Although I realize this doesn’t make it any better, it does matter as I’m working on my personal problems at the moment. I’ve been having professional help for over a month now, and this has allowed me to finally find the actual cause to all of this. Honestly the problem was a lot deeper than I thought. It didn’t just cause this, also jealousy and various kind of problems which held me back in all parts of life. Without going into too much detail, because it’s all very personal, I think that it’s a good thing I got to address all of these problems in the right way. Even though I never wanted it to happen in the way it did.

I think I will give it more time. Lots more time. I have to work on myself, and I need to learn to love myself (how stupid as that may sound, it's the truth). When that's the case, I think I will be ready for an relationship. If he reaches out to me in the mean time that's great, if he doesn't that fine as well. I need to find peace with what happend first. When I've done so, and enough time has passed, I can always try to get in touch with him again. But I'm not talking about a month this time.

Alright guys. Here I am again. I'm some kind of pleased to be able to tell you that everything has changed since the last time I wrote on here. Right now I'm in good contact with my ex, we're talking all day on Whatsapp and have seen each other 4 times in the past week. After the last meeting he even told me he missed talking to me, and he really liked it.

I do however have to explain how we got to this point. Over the past weeks I've been concentrating on myself. I've made some huge steps on personal levels, and was finally getting to the point where I could live with the way things were. Then, he sent me a message in which he asked me if I wanted to meet up. I agreed, and we went for a walk together. I told him about everything I've done, and stuff I came to know about myself. I wanted to tell him those things so that he could understand the whole situation better, and maybe get better closure himself. And of course I was hoping he could understand why I did what I did, so that in time he could ‘forgive’ me or something. But that wasn’t the primary goal.

Halfway through my story however he interrupted me, and said he had to tell me something as well. He told me he was ill, and that it was quite bad. I’m not going into detail here, but I can say he was/is fairly devastated by it. We both cried, and had a couple of long hugs. It felt good, and we both thought so. He however really needed me, at least as a friend. Since then we've seen each other 3 more times in the next 7 days. After the last time we met he told me he really missed talking to me, and even said he loves me. He also told me he trusts me completely, but I think he does want me to prove to him that I deserve his trust. And that’s slowly happening. He however does feel comfortable around me, and I personally still feel the same click with him as before (I didn't have this when we met after 1 month of the break up).

Now you might think, that’s great, things should be easy from now on. I however I’m not too sure. He’s having a really hard time at the moment, and things like sex are not going to be possible for a while. Therefore he also doesn’t think he can be in a relationship right now. He feels he isn’t good enough for it. I think things are getting better already, I’ve seen him growing over the past week. But he’s also still keeping me away from him, as in he’s not letting me get too close. I understand that, seeing the situation, but I just don’t really know what to do next. I think there are three factors in play: the illness and his mental state, his family (he told them why the break up happend, and I feel he doesn't want them to know we’re seeing each other) and also the trust (even though he said he trusts me, I think it needs to grow or at least be some kind of confirmed).

We’re talking pretty much all day, and we’ll see each other regularly from now on. I think I just have to do this, and slowly let him see who I am again. And hopefully he’ll fall back in love with me… I just don’t know wether we’ll become too much of ‘just friends’ if I’ll do it this way. What do you guys think or suggest in this situation? How should I build the attraction back up? Should I have patience, or should I tell him how I feel?

Thanks!!

hey Gentle Storm - I think you should understand how guys think...but before that lemme ask you..do you honestly like him? Are you confident right now that he is the best fit for you in your life?

hey Gentle Storm - I think you should understand how guys think...but before that lemme ask you..do you honestly like him? Are you confident right now that he is the best fit for you in your life?

I love him very much, and besides that I also admire him as a person. I'm sure he's the best fit for me, we get along very well and we always have done. I've made mistakes (leading to the break up), but I've also worked really hard on myself. I'm in a lot better place right now, and he's also seeing that. I don't just want things to go back to how they were, I want to build a new relationship, in which we obviously know each other very well.. In some way it's like we're getting to know each other over again, but in the mean time we both get a very good and safe feeling when we're together. I'm pretty sure I could spend my life with him, but obviously that's only possible if we take the right path right now.. We shouldn't rush into a relationship for sure, but I'm not sure what to do either..

If his health issue is that serious in nature, he doesn't have the reserve to breath life into a failed relationship.

No doubt you care for each other but this isn't the time to be trying to figure out how the navigate your way back.

His priority and focus is his health. You can support him with that as a friend if he permits it.

Anything other than that will have to wait.

I completely agree with you that I shouldn't try and make anything out of it right now. The thing however is that his health issue, without going into too much detail, is asking quite a lot of him but it's not like he's feeling ill or anything. He's just having lot's of research in the hospital, and he'll have to stay on medication for the rest of his life.. But then again, he's doing everything in his life he usually does and that will also stay that way.

That's also why I find it quite difficult to judge what I should or shouldn't do. I'm supporting him, no matter what. And I haven't like tried anything either. It's just kind of strange to suddenly have him back in my life at pretty much the same intensity as before. We spent a day together last week, visiting a city, having a nice walk and having dinner together. It was pretty much his idea, and he's already asked me if I want to go to a zoo with him.. So yes, it's all a bit strange at the moment

He was very clear with you that he doesn't think he can have a relationship again because of what happened in the past. It probably is more than your cheating. It probably is that plus the fact that he opened the relationship up to sort of get rid of you. You are having communication with him THINKING its a victory that you are on the road to getting back together but to him - its only that - texting, etc. And he is in a vulnerable state right now that you should NOT take advantage of. Rather, instead of seeing him half the days a week, point him in the direction of talking to other friends, support groups for his illness (you have no idea if its Cancer, a severe STD like AIDS, or what at this point).

That's also why I find it quite difficult to judge what I should or shouldn't do. I'm supporting him, no matter what. And I haven't like tried anything either.

That's the whole point. You don't need to do anything. No expectations, live in the moment. I know that sounds glib, but you seem to still be trying to read the tea leaves. Stop.