Cut contact with my narcissistic mother? How can I deal with the guilt?

I have seen this forum before and figured now is a good time to try it out. I am in need of some unbiased advice, of something that has troubled me for quite some time.

Background story:

I am an only child of the result of an affair (my father was a married man, my mom being the other woman). I had a wonderful relationship with my dad who died in my teenage years. My mom I lived with and did have a decent relationship, but I am starting to see most of it was because I obeyed her immensely. After my dad died we had trouble, and I avoided confrontation as best I could. My dad left me a trust, in which mom used often for "me"....she bought many things that she always wanted. The home she lives in now and the car she drives are direct results of that trust. None went to my college, vehicle or living expenses, when I was on my own, only when I was with her. Fast forward to late 20's, I have a lot of resentment towards her. I realize how much stress she causes me. I am married with my own house, pregnant, and enjoying what I have built literally on my own.

We fight nearly every conversation. I am the ungrateful child, of whom she did everything in her power to make me happy. One thing we fight about constantly is how much time I spend with her. She would like me to spend the night at her house at least a couple times a month. I am not able to do that often because of my job, and I have explained that soooo many times. She will say she will be patient but then the emotional blackmail starts. How I am so selfish, and how her retired neighbors keep asking about me because they never see me. If I don't call every day (or a few times a day), the blackmail begins. I have finally set boundaries, of which include if she starts to be negative, I will not speak to her for a time. That turns into how I treat her so badly, and how everything is on my terms. I will tell her it is on my terms because she doesn't respect boundaries. One response from her about that was "I don't stop by unannounced." She doesn't realize that this is not physical boundaries but emotional ones that are set into place. My stress levels are through the roof with her, even when I don't come over! The last thing she said to me is that everything that she owns will go to charity when she dies, because I put no effort into her (everything that came out of my trust when I was a teen). I have come to a point where I want her to just go, get rid of whatever it is, and leave my family alone. I am afraid she will treat the coming baby this way once it has a mind of its own (as she did once I got a mind of my own).

The main issue is, I feel so guilty for even feeling this way. This is the woman who birthed me and fed me. But she also hurt me so badly throughout my life both physically and mentally. Now that I am standing up for myself, her arsenal of blackmail is like a thorn in my heart, because I partially believe it. I would like to know how others have dealt with it, with close family members. I am a fairly strong minded person....until it comes to her. I am standing my ground, and very close to cutting contact because of her behavior. Is it justified to cut contact with her? But how do I myself deal with the internal turmoil that comes with it? I have considered counseling, and will be seeking that out, but I want to hear from others that know exactly how it feels. Thanks so much in advance if you answer.

Amelie:

What a horrible experience. Too dreadful for words.

I would urge you to get this:

"Will I ever be good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride

and there is a website

and this:

Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

by Susan Forward

"In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.

"

Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

by Susan Forward

"In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.

"

So first, I have to give LaHermes props because she posted about Mothers Who Can't Love on someone else's thread a few weeks ago, and I got it, and it has absolutely meant so much for me. I'm still in the middle of reading it, but it's absolutely so spot-on. You HAVE to get it.

Please don't be like me. Don't be a 55 year-old woman just now realizing your mother is whack. I literally just dropped off my niece, who I adore, from a fun weekend. She's a pre-teen, so she's starting to open up like a great teenage girl. She literally, just today, told me that her grandma (my mom) tells her all the time what a moody, ungrateful daughter I always was. I'm f**king 55 years old, and she is still saying this. Um yeah, I hid in my room my entire teenage years to escape momster.

Your mother is narcissistic, and I suspect, BPD. You will read in this book (thankssomuch LaHermes!!!) stories almost identical to yours. You will read how little you can do about it, how it's all on your mother, and how you must set boundaries, and stick to them, and yes, screw the money. Let her donate it. It's not like she ever was going to give it to you anyway. Holding over your head like a carrot. Screw that.

You sound like a great young woman who has her head on straight. You can also break the pattern you will have with your own child.

Have you been to any therapy? Not for yourself, but to vent and have a 3rd party give you advice and feedback?

I will definitely be getting that book, thanks for leading me to it. I haven't been to any form of therapy, but have been looking into it. I really appreciate your support, even as simple as it is, it's amazing to hear someone say I'm doing something right (when you've been told all your life how you're wrong). I'm so sorry that you understand what I'm going through, it's a terrible feeling. I remind myself all the time when she hurts me, "don't do this to my kid....". It's amazing how damaging something that seems "in anger" does not go away. I really appreciate your reply, and if you need someone to talk to, know that I'm here

Thanks so much, I will definitely be grabbing a copy.......I really appreciate the help

Amelie:

 

What a horrible experience. Too dreadful for words.

 

I would urge you to get this:

 

"Will I ever be good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride

 

and there is a websit

 

and this:

 

Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

by Susan Forward

"In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.

"

I just wanted to update you, I bought both of those books and am currently reading them. My mom has now said she is stepping completely out of my life because I am ruining hers by not giving her the "family" she wants. I personally feel it's such a childish reaction, like an all or nothing, but I have not responded, nor do I think I will for quite some time. I don't know yet whether to be happy or feeling a void. Part of me is relieved, but the other part is longing for family that has passed on already, feeling alone. I think this will be best for the baby though, I don't think I can deal with these ups and downs postpartum (far from normal drama). I just wanted to thank you for the help, I'm doing my best to be strong. Hope you are well

So first, I have to give LaHermes props because she posted about Mothers Who Can't Love on someone else's thread a few weeks ago, and I got it, and it has absolutely meant so much for me. I'm still in the middle of reading it, but it's absolutely so spot-on. You HAVE to get it.

 

Please don't be like me. Don't be a 55 year-old woman just now realizing your mother is whack. I literally just dropped off my niece, who I adore, from a fun weekend. She's a pre-teen, so she's starting to open up like a great teenage girl. She literally, just today, told me that her grandma (my mom) tells her all the time what a moody, ungrateful daughter I always was. I'm f**king 55 years old, and she is still saying this. Um yeah, I hid in my room my entire teenage years to escape momster.

 

Your mother is narcissistic, and I suspect, BPD. You will read in this book (thankssomuch LaHermes!!!) stories almost identical to yours. You will read how little you can do about it, how it's all on your mother, and how you must set boundaries, and stick to them, and yes, screw the money. Let her donate it. It's not like she ever was going to give it to you anyway. Holding over your head like a carrot. Screw that.

 

You sound like a great young woman who has her head on straight. You can also break the pattern you will have with your own child.

 

Have you been to any therapy? Not for yourself, but to vent and have a 3rd party give you advice and feedback?

Just wanted to update you a bit. Mom and I have been NC for about 3 weeks now. I am going through the processing of this, grieving more than anything. Not really about what I had, but what I wanted in a mom. She texted me (which I did not reply) that she is "unsure how much of 'her' stuff will be left when she dies because she has no idea where she will end up". In other words, she will live off the remainder of my money until she dies and I get whatever is left. I almost want to say good riddance. I'm so glad that she can live pretty comfortably in a paid off home and car while i walk to work and pay a mortgage. I see a lot of my anger towards her emerging that I never really confronted before. But, I do admit, the drama has been so much less since we haven't talked. It's more just me working through my own emotions rather than being stressed out on my day off. I know that will pass with time. I just truly see how conditional her love for me really was now. I am reading both books that were recommended in this thread, which have helped solidify my emotions, atleast to not feel so guilty. Unfortunately I have not been to therapy yet, but it definitely is something I think will help in the future once finances are a bit stronger.

How are you holding up? I was thinking of you the other day, and what you told me about your experience with your mom. Do you still talk to yours on a regular basis? I hope you are doing well BTW, I also wanted to update you that the baby is a little girl So far everything looks good, despite the stress lol. It almost makes me nervous, that I need to show this little girl a love I never truly had. But I know I can do it. Emotional support is so important, and that is what is lacking in my life when it comes to my family (or lack of family). Anyway, hope all is well with you, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers

she will live off the remainder of my money until she dies and I get whatever is left.

Please see an attorney. If this trust was set up for you - it should have reverted to you once you were of age -- whether the trust indicated 18,21 or 25. You need to put a stop to her spending this money if it is indeed your money (set up in an actual trust for you). There could be implications for you if this money is being taxed as it is withdrawn and your social security number is on it -- who knows..

I can guarantee that mom won't be gone forever. She will try to communicate with you again. If you want to keep your distance but still feel you shouldn't completely close the door, send her holiday cards and updates through the mail. Who knows if she will change but she certainly has a lot of issues.

Amelie, I am so sorry you have a mother like this. I have a somewhat similar situation, so I can relate.

First of all, you sound like an extremely empathetic, hard-working, loving woman who has made the best of your life. Kudos to you for doing all of that, because you could so easily have turned your own life into a nightmare, but you have chosen to rise above your situation and live your best life.

Have you ever been in counseling about this? I think if you haven't, it's definitely worth considering. Someone to hear, and validate, all that you are saying.

In the absence of a therapist, I will validate for you: Your mother is a horror. She's most definitely narcissistic, and she most definitely will never realize that she is. She will keep you on eggshells for the rest of her life, as her entire world floats around her, and if you don't acquiesce to her little demands, you are the "bad, ungrateful daughter" and she is the "poor woman" who is so neglected, so "misunderstood". You will unfortunately never get out of her shadow, so going NC is your best method right now.

Interestingly, when you first put up your thread a couple of months ago, the book "Mothers Who Can't Love" looked very interesting to me, and I have a lot of similarities in story, so I read it too! It has helped me to know that I'm not alone, nor are you. We are not "ungrateful daughters", as we have been led to believe, but rather, the product of mothers who simply have the world's focus on them.

I would have gone NC with my own mother many years ago, but I have a lot of other family members that I love dearly and are all part of the family, so I put her in the "tolerate" category. My mother always "expected" me to call at certain days, or within certain times. Over the last couple of decades, I've slowly moved away from those calls. I still call, but it has gotten so infrequent that she either hasn't noticed the change, or just doesn't realize it. What it's done for me is, it's freed me from the obligation of the calls. My own mother has never once, not ever, picked up the phone to call me. I am to call her, always has been this way. So by me backing off, and when I do call, if she says anything, I just say Oh I've been so busy, traveling, whatever, it's allowed me to have a lot more peace.

I know you must long for the type of mother who would be an amazing grandma to your child, the type of mother who would come over and play, and help, and buy cute things, and make cookies, and put scrapbooks together for your child to have as a keepsake. Instead, you were dealt this hand of a greedy, me-me-me person whose only goal in life is to make sure you always know of her misery, and how "hard" it is for her when you don't call her back.

My gosh that sounds like my dad....the not enough time spent,not enough contact, NOT ENOUGH.....and the using of money as a power move and taking herself away when she doesn't get her way. She sure is scared.

I let mine go....grieved, made peace with it over years, managed to accept who he is, and he's showing back up with 3 years distance this time in the form of dementia/Alzheimer's like behavior. All shifts again, but I am so well equipped at self care now I'm springing into action to follow my heart and honor myself too. Boundaries and space. Process. She may spring back, boundaries and space.

Sending you all the best. Do you first.

I read something last evening that said the guilt is due to the grooming process of them being the focus your whole life. Guilt ha been used as a weapon against you and now it's automatic.

Suggest that you google "Children of Narcissistic Parents,"on YOUTUBE and you will find a lot of information there. chi

My gosh that sounds like my dad....the not enough time spent,not enough contact, NOT ENOUGH.....and the using of money as a power move and taking herself away when she doesn't get her way. She sure is scared.

 

I let mine go....grieved, made peace with it over years, managed to accept who he is, and he's showing back up with 3 years distance this time in the form of dementia/Alzheimer's like behavior. All shifts again, but I am so well equipped at self care now I'm springing into action to follow my heart and honor myself too. Boundaries and space. Process. She may spring back, boundaries and space.

 

Sending you all the best. Do you first.

I definitely agree with you. I'm sorry that you understand where I am coming from but am happy that I am far from alone in it. My life is definitely less drama without her in it (big surprise), though I do miss the good we shared. The stress outweighed that though, I'm seeing now. It's been about a month since I talked to her. I'm glad that you found how to take care of yourself first through your experience, which is what I am currently learning. Thanks so much for your advice, I will not take it lightly

Suggest that you google "Children of Narcissistic Parents,"on YOUTUBE and you will find a lot of information there. chi

Oh trust me, I have several books solely about that haha. I just wished I had found out about it sooner. I know many of adults who grew up this way tend to think it's normal.....but still don't feel right inside. That what my entire life up until a couple years ago. Be obedient and you will be loved. Once I got married.....that really changed it for me. Plus I battled with illness, and it made me see how quickly life can end, making me "selfish and arrogant: (her words). Life is too short, and I feel so much stronger in making my family happy that I have made myself, rather than one I was forced into. I just am truly grieving on wishing for a mom I never had, or thought I had. Thanks so much for listening

I read something last evening that said the guilt is due to the grooming process of them being the focus your whole life. Guilt ha been used as a weapon against you and now it's automatic.

I would not be surprised.....it's rather sad. I've always wondered if she was so strategic in it, or if that's just how she is. Can she "help" it? I guess it really doesn't matter, the damage is the same. I'm having a little girl, which makes me slightly nervous because I have to break this cycle. I know I can, I just have to be what I needed really.

she will live off the remainder of my money until she dies and I get whatever is left.

 

Please see an attorney. If this trust was set up for you - it should have reverted to you once you were of age -- whether the trust indicated 18,21 or 25. You need to put a stop to her spending this money if it is indeed your money (set up in an actual trust for you). There could be implications for you if this money is being taxed as it is withdrawn and your social security number is on it -- who knows..

 

I can guarantee that mom won't be gone forever. She will try to communicate with you again. If you want to keep your distance but still feel you shouldn't completely close the door, send her holiday cards and updates through the mail. Who knows if she will change but she certainly has a lot of issues.

Yeah I am considering that for sure. After that comment, it really made me see her inner plans. That's one think that worries me especially with the baby on the way, that she will come out of the woodwork again, once the little one is here, and want to "make up". I'm sorry but I don't feel family can just walk out on your life because they don't get their way, and then be welcomed back with open arms like nothing happened. My life has been far less drama without her, and I am beginning to look at myself in the mirror and learn who I really am. I've always been her shadow, far more than I realized. A little late to see it, but better late than never. I'm glad that you agree she has issues, it's something that has nagged at me my whole life, is this normal...as I spent time with outside influences, I saw that maybe there was more going on. Thanks so much for the advice

Sorry about your situation. My mom is a narc as well and it took me a long time into my adulthood to figure things out. I recently went no contact with her because I just couldn't take it any longer. We are taught in basically every religion and society to "honor thy mother and father." Even in Buddhism they contend that your mother is very important and even if she was a horrible person to you, she still carried you around for nine months in her womb and gave birth to you and took care of you as best she could. This always stuck with me and guilted me even more into trying to maintain contact with my mother. I tried to see things from her POV and understand why she was so sick and never a real mother to me. It hurts when you realize you pretty much grew up without a mother and were taught to hate yourself subconsciously and have poor boundaries with others in life.

So with that said, the only advice I have is that you should do what is right for you and your family presently. It's never an easy situation to be put in, but at the end of the day, children of narc parents have a lot of healing to do. We must give ourselves the love and understanding that was never given (nor ever will be given) to us by our parent(s). One important way of doing this is learning how to create healthy boundaries with others. No one is expecting us to be the Pope or the Dalia Lama right away and unconditionally embrace the mother (or father) who abused us so badly. It takes time to get to a point in your life where you can talk to your mother on the phone and have a short conversation without being sucked back into her games. Part of us will always be secretly hoping for a "real mother" who will act as a mother and treat us with love and respect. But sadly that won't ever happen. So again, until we can accept this fact and get to a point where we love ourselves enough, I have found that sometimes no contact is the best option. People who had "normal" parents may look down at you and wonder why you don't call your mother on Mother's Day and think you're an ogre because of it, but you just have to remind yourself that these people won't ever understand and they are extremely lucky because of it.

Sorry about your situation. My mom is a narc as well and it took me a long time into my adulthood to figure things out. I recently went no contact with her because I just couldn't take it any longer. We are taught in basically every religion and society to "honor thy mother and father." Even in Buddhism they contend that your mother is very important and even if she was a horrible person to you, she still carried you around for nine months in her womb and gave birth to you and took care of you as best she could. This always stuck with me and guilted me even more into trying to maintain contact with my mother. I tried to see things from her POV and understand why she was so sick and never a real mother to me. It hurts when you realize you pretty much grew up without a mother and were taught to hate yourself subconsciously and have poor boundaries with others in life.

 

So with that said, the only advice I have is that you should do what is right for you and your family presently. It's never an easy situation to be put in, but at the end of the day, children of narc parents have a lot of healing to do. We must give ourselves the love and understanding that was never given (nor ever will be given) to us by our parent(s). One important way of doing this is learning how to create healthy boundaries with others. No one is expecting us to be the Pope or the Dalia Lama right away and unconditionally embrace the mother (or father) who abused us so badly. It takes time to get to a point in your life where you can talk to your mother on the phone and have a short conversation without being sucked back into her games. Part of us will always be secretly hoping for a "real mother" who will act as a mother and treat us with love and respect. But sadly that won't ever happen. So again, until we can accept this fact and get to a point where we love ourselves enough, I have found that sometimes no contact is the best option. People who had "normal" parents may look down at you and wonder why you don't call your mother on Mother's Day and think you're an ogre because of it, but you just have to remind yourself that these people won't ever understand and they are extremely lucky because of it.

I'm so sorry you understand what I am going through, but at the same time, glad that I'm not alone. We currently are no contact, via her choice, for almost two months now. You are so right about honoring our parents. Carrying us and giving us life does not give a mother a right to take away our happiness and sense of peace. It's one of the things that has kept me in her life truly, just because she "did her best". Surprisingly, I've maintained great relationships outside of family, but once there is issues within that circle, I'm weak to stand up for myself. Only recently have I started to, which is why we had this fall out.

I ran into her at work (she actually figured out where I work, and applied for a job, luckily I am a building away from her atleast thank God for college lol), she looked right at me, and I said "Hello" just to be respectful in the workplace as I walked by. She wouldn't even look at me as soon as she saw me. I feel she must be feeling a lot of guilt. But it doesn't make me have sympathy for her. She hurt me pretty bad, through out my life, and even worse in the last year. I have been alone my entire pregnancy in regards to her, no support at all. By support, I mean emotional, I have been financially independent for quite some time now. That isn't a real mother to me. It breaks my heart because all my life she has drilled in my head how family comes first, husbands come and go, boyfriends and friends leave, but family will always be there. My husband has been more of a support to me than anyone. More than her, of my entire life emotionally.

I really thank you for your input, and know that I don't think you're a ogre for how you feel (that line made me chuckle just the way you worded it, because it's so true!). If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. I understand your stance because I'm in the same position. On the path to healing I say