Relationship with ex who is engaged

Hi All,

A couple of years ago I dated a guy for 5 months. (It was an intense 5 months and we were very close.) We have similar jobs and we got a long very very well. He has a daughter who I was very close to (we have mutual friends and she still asks when i am "coming back"). At the same time, I was getting over a very difficult time in my life (I had 12 people in my life die in a year including someone who was my best friend ever, I had gotten divorced after being with the guy since I was 20, and I had just dealt with a major professional issue.) I was not in a place to have a relationship at all and I think to a degree he was not either. It was a horrible break up which I think we both had a part to play.

Fast forward to 15 months ago. Neither one of us had spoken to each other and I decided to call a truce and we grabbed lunch. He immediately wanted to start dating. I basically told him that we needed to talk through what had happened and that for me it would take some time to get to the point where we could talk about it. I was literally thinking that within a month we would get to that point and start dating.

About a week later, I realized that I really just missed him. I am not the type that really misses most guys and I just missed him and our relationship. I sent him a text and he responded by saying he had just started dating someone he had known through friends for a while. My response was basically so what-break up with her.

Throughout the last 15 months, they have broken up multiple times. During those break ups and during their relationship, we have gone on dates and been physical. He has told me and I believe that he does love me (and yes I believe it and I really don't think it's a line) but I also think that he has such a fear that I will just end the relationship he can't date me. At the same time, he actually got engaged to the chick (I literally could not pick anyone who makes less sense than she does for him). He brings me to his work functions (he has a very prestigious job) and I am fairly certain they have no idea that he is engaged.

The last time we were together, his phone rung like crazy. I assumed it was relating to work but it was her...calling and texting over and over again.

I just don't know what to do. I have never done something like this but I have always loved him and I never thought that his relationship would end up like this because they are so incompatible (and I make that statement from my own observations not just what he says).

Part of me wants to tell her (which would all of the relationships)

Part of me wants to threaten to tell her.

Part of me wants to totally block him from my life

Part of me wants it to continue.

What should I do?

So, wow, he's engaged to her but seeing you on the side and treating you like your exclusive but hiding her from everyone?

This is not the behavior of a real man. Get yourself a real man.

At any rate, relationship and life aren't supposed to be like this. You said you've lost many loved ones over the years? I can tell you when I'm in a sticky guy situation, and I've been in something similar to yours, I always ask myself what would my grandpa say to me about this situation if he were alive? He'd tell me to get the hell out of dodge in most situations.

Try this approach and see if it helps.

He's been cheating on her while stringing you along, which makes him a prize to no one. To answer your question, yes, you should totally block him from your life.

Keep in mind that you could never trust him, as far as you could throw him.

So when they get married are you going to be his affair?

A. Part of me wants to tell her (which would all of the relationships)

B. Part of me wants to threaten to tell her.

C. Part of me wants to totally block him from my life

D. Part of me wants it to continue.

 

What should I do?

The correct answer is C. Block him.

Any other answer, and you fail.

The answer is C. What are you thinking? You're screwing a guy who's engaged to someone else, he's screwing around on a woman who is supposed to become his wife. Neither of you are in any way ready for any sort of relationship. What you are doing is going to blow up sooner or later and all hell will break loose.

Take time for yourself after you block this guy, and get your head together.

The answer is C. What are you thinking? You're screwing a guy who's engaged to someone else, he's screwing around on a woman who is supposed to become his wife. Neither of you are in any way ready for any sort of relationship. What you are doing is going to blow up sooner or later and all hell will break loose.

 

Take time for yourself after you block this guy, and get your head together.

I second this post. One can't help but feel so sorry and so bad for his fiancee. You KNOW it's wrong. I'm surprised you even have to ask "what to do?" There is only one answer, but the bigger question is, will you stop seeing him? I can hazard a guess...

Hi All,

 

A couple of years ago I dated a guy for 5 months. (It was an intense 5 months and we were very close.) We have similar jobs and we got a long very very well. He has a daughter who I was very close to (we have mutual friends and she still asks when i am "coming back"). At the same time, I was getting over a very difficult time in my life (I had 12 people in my life die in a year including someone who was my best friend ever, I had gotten divorced after being with the guy since I was 20, and I had just dealt with a major professional issue.) I was not in a place to have a relationship at all and I think to a degree he was not either. It was a horrible break up which I think we both had a part to play.

 

Fast forward to 15 months ago. Neither one of us had spoken to each other and I decided to call a truce and we grabbed lunch. He immediately wanted to start dating. I basically told him that we needed to talk through what had happened and that for me it would take some time to get to the point where we could talk about it. I was literally thinking that within a month we would get to that point and start dating.

 

About a week later, I realized that I really just missed him. I am not the type that really misses most guys and I just missed him and our relationship. I sent him a text and he responded by saying he had just started dating someone he had known through friends for a while. My response was basically so what-break up with her.

 

Throughout the last 15 months, they have broken up multiple times. During those break ups and during their relationship, we have gone on dates and been physical. He has told me and I believe that he does love me (and yes I believe it and I really don't think it's a line) but I also think that he has such a fear that I will just end the relationship he can't date me. At the same time, he actually got engaged to the chick (I literally could not pick anyone who makes less sense than she does for him). He brings me to his work functions (he has a very prestigious job) and I am fairly certain they have no idea that he is engaged.

 

The last time we were together, his phone rung like crazy. I assumed it was relating to work but it was her...calling and texting over and over again.

 

I just don't know what to do. I have never done something like this but I have always loved him and I never thought that his relationship would end up like this because they are so incompatible (and I make that statement from my own observations not just what he says).

 

Part of me wants to tell her (which would all of the relationships)

Part of me wants to threaten to tell her.

Part of me wants to totally block him from my life

Part of me wants it to continue.

 

What should I do?

What do your personal boundaries tell you to do? A woman with good personal boundaries, self respect and confidence would tell this man to go to hell and leave you alone until he was single and available to be dating.

Where are your romantic relationship boundaries? Surely you know that you could never trust a man that would do what he has done. I'm sure he'd never trust you either knowing that you are lacking in those boundaries I talk about.

You've gotten lots of advice on what you should do. The thing now is... do you have the courage, the love of self and the boundaries to actually do it?

OP, in another thread you say: ... "I have cheated on people BUT I have never ever cheated on someone I really cared about. (And I, don't think cheating is good behavior.) In my experience, once it has happened it will continue to happen." -

Basically you say you're a serial cheater.

Have you ever considered looking into counselling to help you figure out why you have such poor self-respect, poor values and no boundaries etc? I think you need to really dig deeper to figure out where all of this is coming from and why.

I agree, you need counselling. This is not normal behaviour and you seem self destructive at this point. Wanting a man who is going from you to another woman and back again is all kinds of messed up.

He's not a good guy, he is not a loyal man and he will never be a decent partner. You cannot trust a person like this, but then you seem to think that cheating is fine and something that you just do.

You need to get your head together and get some serious help. I won't go into all of what I feel about cheating because I wrote it all out on another post. But let me just say that it's a combination of being seriously mentally screwed up and being an evil person. It's not okay to hurt someone like this or to help them hurt someone else, nor is it okay to not see clearly what a crap person this is that cheats.

To be honest with you, I never ever thought they would ever get married based on what he has said to me. I am a lawyer and I am fairly good at picking up on faux stories and I while sometimes he says bs...I honestly honestly never thought he would get married. I had asked him about a wedding date and he said there was none. Last night, I saw on line that he is getting married to her in OCTOBER. I almost through up. So. To answer your question, I would never have an affair with him after he got married (I still may send him and you tell her or I will email) but absent that, I will never speak to him again. I actually believe that it was his intent to continue to lie to me and never tell me he was actually getting married.

I agree, you need counselling. This is not normal behaviour and you seem self destructive at this point. Wanting a man who is going from you to another woman and back again is all kinds of messed up.

 

He's not a good guy, he is not a loyal man and he will never be a decent partner. You cannot trust a person like this, but then you seem to think that cheating is fine and something that you just do.

 

You need to get your head together and get some serious help. I won't go into all of what I feel about cheating because I wrote it all out on another post. But let me just say that it's a combination of being seriously mentally screwed up and being an evil person. It's not okay to hurt someone like this or to help them hurt someone else, nor is it okay to not see clearly what a crap person this is that cheats.

As I said, he was not always dating her during this time frame. They were constantly breaking up and getting back together. I can't consider that a serious relationship. I agree that after they actually got engaged, it was on me. But. I also think it is extremely hard to just turn feelings off. And in every other relationship in my life, I don't put up with this. Someone pulls something, I will be open to listening to them if they want to talk about it, but that is it-I am done. I can't explain how I felt with him when things were "normal". And I am not someone who has ever done this with someone who is in a relationship let alone engaged. I hardly agree that one example of bad behavior can someone how define my character entirely.

I have not cheated on anyone in over a decade. I cheated on people when I was young (i.e. college aged). If I don't want to date someone, I break up with them. Nor can I remember any relationship that I have had in the last decade where I am dating X, break up with X, and start dating Y in any time less than 3 months (so I am not just breaking up with people to be with other people). So no, I don't think I need counseling for that issue.

Did his fiancee realise they'd broken up, or did he just tell you they had? Do you know this girl, or are you getting a variant on the "my wife doesn't understand me" line?

It just sounds as though he's been stringing you along throughout, telling you how ill-matched they are so that you'll hang on in there ("I never ever thought they would ever get married based on what he has said to me") whilst, in reality, he'd fixed a wedding date. What really doesn't make sense is that you are even contemplating continued contact with this man.

You could try telling her the truth of the situation, but I think if she's aware of you at all, it will be as a psycho ex who won't leave him alone and she's very unlikely to believe you. If she doesn't know about you, if you threaten to tell her you will very quickly be portrayed to her as the psycho ex etc etc.

Or... you could try salvaging what's left of your self esteem, and walk away from all this totally unnecessary drama.