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Ex wants to get back together after he had rebound sex


rose89

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Long story short me (27f) and my ex-boyfriend (30m) have been together for +6 years (4 living together). The relationship has been a fairy tale and although we've had our arguments we've always been very committed to each other. He was travelling solo for a couple of months and I was meant to join him afterwards for a longer trip. Whilst we were apart he started having doubts about our relationship and our future together (relationship anxiety I'd say) and he broke up with me. I decided I wasn't joining him on his travels and that we could talk once he came back aprox. 6 months later (even though he kept insisting me to join him to see if we could fix it). The breakup was kind of final (we explicitly said that we could do anything we wanted during that time) but he kept sending me mixed signals about a future together and that he was afraid he was gonna regret the break up in the near future.

 

A couple of months have passed and he has contacted me and wants to get back together. He mentioned he has missed me the whole time we've been apart and that he now sees a future together. The problem is that he has slept with a couple of girls in these two months (with one repeated times) and I have not been with anyone because I didn't feel like it. I have to mention that he is in a foreign country in a environment full of young people and that all of this it was 2/3 weeks after the breakup. It has been 3 more weeks between the last thing happened and the moment he has contacted me. He has reassured me it's only been sex for him and that he is sorry that this is hurting me (he does not regret it though, as he says we were not together at that time).

 

I really want to be able to forgive him and fight together for the relationship. I have never had trust issues with him and I hate being jealous but I am not sure how we are going to regain the relationship that we had prior to this. He has said that he is ready to do anything he can to regain my trust and the relationship but I don't even know what do I need to trust him again. The break up was very unexpected and right now I am full of resentment, jealousy and a sense of being inferior (meaning that he has found other girls attractive and that he has been willing to sleep with them).

 

Any similar stories out there with a happy ending? Should I get back with him? What could we do so he regains my trust?

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The romantic in me wants to say to give him another chance (he probably REALLY regrets it and realizes the mistake he made), but on the other hand, you know how it goes, if it happened once...

 

Take some time to think about it and follow your heart.

 

Fact of the matter is you two were broken up and although it was very distasteful what he did (he should've known better) he technically did nothing wrong and was honest about it.

 

I'm one to say not to let pride and other things stay in the way of happiness, but this is a tough one.

 

edit: can you imagine him on another trip like this again? Will you be able to trust him then? What can he do to fully regain your trust? These are all questions you need answers for before you commit yourself again.

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Why are you letting what he did when he wasn't your boyfriend rule you the way you are? Forget what he did when not your boyfriend for a minute and ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life with him. The answer to that question should be all you need to know to go forth.

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When you agree to try again, you're basically agreeing to a new relationship. If you had started dating someone you met on the Internet, for example, would you hold their sexual history against them?

 

Obviously it's a little more complex than that, but it's really unfair to hold your ex's choices while you weren't dating against him. That said, if you feel hinky about the whole thing, perhaps you need to take things slowly and make sure he's in this for the long haul and not just a lay.

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Sounds like he wanted a free pass for sex, as he was exploring the world. No relationship anxiety, here! Hell, you have been together for six years.

 

I would rethink this. What happens if he wants some extracurricular activity once you're married? Will you take another break?

 

At the very least, I would get couples counseling. Personally, I would have a lot of difficulty trusting him again.

 

Why did he say he wanted to break up? That is not clear.

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I have a different stance on this, I dont think this is a case of rebound sex and "oh I was hurting about the break up so i slept with others". He broke up with you specifically so that he could sleep with other girls and wouldn't have to cheat on you to do this. He saw all these hot girls whils away and was thinking to himself "oh, I'll just pretend to have doubts about the relationship so we can be on a break and I can bang all these chicks without her being able to call it cheating afterward - and she'll be waiting for me anyway so I can get right back into the relationship when I return from the trip" - and the sad part is it played out EXACTLY like he planned.

 

I would NEVER forgive my bf if he did this and the relationship would never be the same. Be VERY careful because it's only a matter of time before he wants to scratch that itch of banging other chicks again.

 

He scratched that itch for now and wants things to go back to normal with you. Personally I would value myself more than to continue being with someone who broke up with me JUST so he could sleep around without a bad conscience & then get back with me like he planned from the first moment.

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I have a different stance on this, I dont think this is a case of rebound sex and "oh I was hurting about the break up so i slept with others". He broke up with you specifically so that he could sleep with other girls and wouldn't have to cheat on you to do this. He saw all these hot girls whils away and was thinking to himself "oh, I'll just pretend to have doubts about the relationship so we can be on a break and I can bang all these chicks without her being able to call it cheating afterward - and she'll be waiting for me anyway so I can get right back into the relationship when I return from the trip" - and the sad part is it played out EXACTLY like he planned.
This is all projection or speculation.

 

Op: He was honest with you about his sexcapades, he didn't have to be and it's why most people don't reveal their sexual history because some (lots of) people tend to hold it against them, judge or speculate/project.

 

Again I ask you: If you didn't know about what he did while not your boyfriend, would you be happy to have him back and want to spend the rest of your life with him?

 

Another thing to think about. Far too many people would have just cheated on you and then carried on with the relationship like nothing happened and you would be none the wiser about it. He did the right thing to break up with you first if he was wanting to experiment with other women. He's realized that you are who he actually wants to spend the rest of his life with and if you want that too then you can certainly see a couples counsellor to help you to get what he did out of your head and put an end to the wedge your thoughts are putting in the middle of your emotional bond with him.

 

I would NEVER forgive my bf if he did this and the relationship would never be the same. Be VERY careful because it's only a matter of time before he wants to scratch that itch of banging other chicks again.
Once again, this is pure speculation as you don't know that what you speculated above is what actually is what was going on or is going on now.

 

He scratched that itch for now and wants things to go back to normal with you. Personally I would value myself more than to continue being with someone who broke up with me JUST so he could sleep around without a bad conscience & then get back with me like he planned from the first moment.
You have no proof that he planned what you are saying he planned.

 

Frankly I'd be happy that he didn't just cheat on me but rather did the decent thing and gave me the same opportunity to be with other men. You didn't want to do that, granted but you had just as much opportunity to do so as he did.

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What happens if he wants some extracurricular activity once you're married? Will you take another break?

 

At the very least, I would get couples counseling. Personally, I would have a lot of difficulty trusting him again.

 

Why did he say he wanted to break up? That is not clear.

 

That is my point. We are not 18 anymore and we are definitely not in a high school/college scenario. The funny thing is that we've been in couples counselling before as we have always had trouble communicating. I guess it hasn't helped much...

 

The point of the break up started because I felt him acting distant and I asked if something was wrong. He mentioned that he wasn't missing me as much as he thought he would and I guess I ended up pushing the situation to the point of us breaking up. To be clear he has never said things like: I don't love you, I want to break up with you, etc. We reached the point of breaking up after I decided I wasn't gonna leave all my life behind to travel with someone that is not missing me that much...

 

On the other hand, I firmly believe that if we would have been in the same city non of this would have happened. But we'll never know..

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Obviously, as everyone else on this forum, I'm just writing MY opinion and how I think it went down.

 

Very convenient to be on a trip and meeting all these new, hot, young women and then suddenly, randomly after 6 years together get "relationship anxiety" and doubts about the future. In my opinion it is sooo painfully obvious that he just wanted to live single for a few months and bang a number of girls, if you dont think that is a possibility, that is fine of course.

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Obviously, as everyone else on this forum, I'm just writing MY opinion and how I think it went down.

 

Very convenient to be on a trip and meeting all these new, hot, young women and then suddenly, randomly after 6 years together get "relationship anxiety" and doubts about the future. In my opinion it is sooo painfully obvious that he just wanted to live single for a few months and bang a number of girls, if you dont think that is a possibility, that is fine of course.

I agree! Together for six years, and all of a sudden he is questioning the relationship. It all seems very convenient.

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Half of me completely agrees with you. I have already said to him I value very much his honesty because he shouldn't have had to tell me. In reality I would have never found out about this because he is a million miles aways and all of this happened with random girls he met whilst travelling. However, he chose to come clean and said what happened, 'how' and when. In terms of why it happened the only thing I have been able to get is that 'we were not together, for me it was only sex'.

 

However, it hurts that he has been in an intimate relationship with other girls and that if he wasn't sure about our break up he should've known better before doing something like this.

 

But, because of the good times we've already spent together and the good times I see ahead for us I think I am ready to give this another try. My main concern is that I am unsure what are the next steps for us to regain trust in a relationship.

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People get doubts about the relationship when they are faced with temptation. That is why it is so important to keep relationship boundaries in force when being faced with hot men or women or when finding a male or female friend attractive and hanging out one on one with them.

 

He didn't cheat on her, he broke up with her due to his doubts and even possibly due to temptation. That doesn't mean that every time he sees a hot woman he's going betray her, break up with her in the future. He's realized that he wants her as his lifemate. All our Op has to do now is figure out if she wants him and most importantly if she can get over her retro-grade jealousy. If she can't, then she should do both of them a favor and not take him back only to punish him everyday about what he did when not her boyfriend.

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I guess I am trying to get other views from people in this forum because the first thing that comes to my mind is what you've just written. He just wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side. However, it is fair to mention that he has always had (and more recently) some sort of existential crisis - as in wanting to get out the 9 to 5 life and live more nomadic. I am more traditional in this sense (job, house, marriage, kids..) and I guess that's were all his doubts came from: he is approaching the thirties and I guess he just got cold feet.

 

I am fine with him wanting to live the single life (in terms of reassessing what he wanted for his future and if it was aligned what we had already planned together). What I didn't expect is him getting under the sheets with someone else so short after our break up... it so no like him (or at least I thought)

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I am unsure what are the next steps for us to regain trust in a relationship.
You should be able to trust him due to the sheer fact that he came clean. If he wasn't remorseful then he would have said nothing, screwed other women then returned to you with you being none the wiser.

 

Google Retro-grade jealousy, Rose. Maybe if you know what you're experiencing, you'll be able to over come it.

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However, it is fair to mention that he has always had (and more recently) some sort of existential crisis - as in wanting to get out the 9 to 5 life and live more nomadic. I am more traditional in this sense (job, house, marriage, kids..)
This alone would be enough to help me make up my mind not to go back into a relationship with him. You two are not compatible in general. You've dated six years and he's not advanced the relationship past living together. You want children, does he?
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This alone would be enough to help me make up my mind not to go back into a relationship with him. You two are not compatible in general. You've dated six years and he's not advanced the relationship past living together. You want children, does he?

 

Yes he does. And I do, but just not yet. We agreed on a timeline of +-5 years to get married and shortly after have kids. He is not that keen on the marriage thing just because he sees it as a waste of money and hates being the centre of the attention. However, he has repeatedly say that it is something he would do if it makes me happy.

 

If it helps to shed some light to this he is a gifted person (meaning IQ +140) so this is where all the communication problems and the existential crisis come from. I am very aware of his special traits and we as a couple have made a lot of effort to understand each other better.

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Obviously, as everyone else on this forum, I'm just writing MY opinion and how I think it went down.

 

Very convenient to be on a trip and meeting all these new, hot, young women and then suddenly, randomly after 6 years together get "relationship anxiety" and doubts about the future. In my opinion it is sooo painfully obvious that he just wanted to live single for a few months and bang a number of girls, if you dont think that is a possibility, that is fine of course.

 

I was about to say this^^ What came first. .the relationship anxiety or the opportunity?

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I was about to say this^^ What came first. .the relationship anxiety or the opportunity?

 

I think the relationship anxiety considering that the op has admitted that he has been wanting the nomadic life rather then the stability of marriage, house and kids that she is wanting.

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The relationship anxiety I'd say. Not because I've dated him but he is a very attractive guy and has had opportunities in the past. Also, we've been separated for as long as a month in the past and nothing has happened. The break up happened when he were already apart for a month and a half and nothing happened. The first thing happened 2.5 weeks after the break up.

 

However, part of me can't stop thinking that it was a case of seeing if the grass was greener. But if that was the case, why did he not do it before?

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The relationship anxiety I'd say. Not because I've dated him but he is a very attractive guy and has had opportunities in the past. Also, we've been separated for as long as a month in the past and nothing has happened. The break up happened when he were already apart for a month and a half and nothing happened. The first thing happened 2.5 weeks after the break up.

 

However, part of me can't stop thinking that it was a case of seeing if the grass was greener. But if that was the case, why did he not do it before?

Why are you two apart so often and for such a length of time?

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He didn't have to tell you but he did, bad move on his part. Some things are better left in the dark. Because he is too honest about things that doesn't matter such as sleeping with other women while he was single, now there is resentment on your part naturally.

 

Think of it this way, it's a good thing that he experienced with other women. Why? It made him realize on his own that you are the one. When he was with you stuck for 6 years, he probably took you for granted and thought that the grass was greener. Now that he's proved himself wrong, he's coming back more appreciative of you. Put your pride to the side, give him another chance, maybe he'll prove himself. Men will have sex with every woman if given the chance because to men, sex is just sex, no emotions or logic behind it.

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