Ex wants to get back together after he had rebound sex

[rose89]

Those are seriously big issues ad you seem to be the one who is wanting to do things differently in order to be with him.

He does not want the full on marriage, he does not want the hometown, he sleeps around on a break.

 

I really do think you are trying so hard to put a square peg into a round hole. There are issues here that show how incompatible you are. You don't think the same on many issues and it will come back to bite you in the a**.

 

Him saying he was emotionally attached to you whilst putting his manhood into another woman, is a joke and is a disgusting thing to say. It sounds like the hymnal book of the cheaters in this world.

I love you but I didn't mean to and it was only sex but I do love you.

Sigh..this guy was not so in love, obviously.

 

But it wasn't cheating if we weren't together? And he was very upfront and answered all my questions the very first moment I asked after he mentioned he wanted to get back together. He could've easily hide it if he wanted to get back together without any trouble and I would've never found out.

 

I know I am playing the devil's advocate here, but I just want to see this as objective as I can.

[SherrySher]

All I am saying is, the point of how easily he bedded other women and how he did not miss you and how sex mattered more.

 

Whether you were on a break or not, it matters on how real his feelings for you are. If I loved someone that much and had been with them for six years, I would be depressed as he** over the thought of losing them and I would be worried and scared about losing them. There are many men on this site alone who have lost their gf's and can't eat or sleep.

Your "man" wanted to get laid and was not bothered.

It says a lot.

[boltnrun]

I do agree that it's awfully convenient that he had this "existential crisis" and "relationship anxiety" right at the time when he was hundreds or thousands of miles away from you and where there apparently were a number of attractive, available women present.

 

And as for the differences, yes there are compromises involved in any relationship. But you're talking about fundamental differences, not just whether you'll choose a ranch style home or a split-level. It would be really tragic if he has another of his "existential crises" when you're married and have a couple of kids. What would stop him from saying "I didn't want to get married, I only did it because YOU wanted to! I need to travel around and have some alone time to deal with my 'existential crisis'!"

 

BTW, who came up with the term "existential crisis"? Him?

[rose89]

All I am saying is, the point of how easily he bedded other women and how he did not miss you and how sex mattered more.

 

Whether you were on a break or not, it matters on how real his feelings for you are. If I loved someone that much and had been with them for six years, I would be depressed as he** over the thought of losing them and I would be worried and scared about losing them. There are many men on this site alone who have lost their gf's and can't eat or sleep.

Your "man" wanted to get laid and was not bothered.

It says a lot.

 

I definitely can see a difference in behaviour between this crisis and other rough patches we've had. I remember we had a massive argument a couple of years ago at the point of breaking up but the very next day I had a long email apologising and he was knocking at the door to fix things right away. This time not only he hasn't come to ask for forgiveness but also that his response hasn't been that emotional.

 

However, we are not in the same situation we were at that time. We don't see each other in person since March and although he could've made the effort to come and fix things and he hasn't, it's true it's not as 'easy' as it was before. One thing that bothers me is that I have not received a 'love letter' asking for forgiveness or anything similar and all of this we've discussed over skype, phone and text. He has offered to pay for my flights to reunite with him as soon as possible but that can't happen at least for the next two weeks due to other commitments. That it very nice of him to offer but I have to mention I had already paid for the first set of tickets to reunite with him and lost the money.

[rose89]

I do agree that it's awfully convenient that he had this "existential crisis" and "relationship anxiety" right at the time when he was hundreds or thousands of miles away from you and where there apparently were a number of attractive, available women present.

 

And as for the differences, yes there are compromises involved in any relationship. But you're talking about fundamental differences, not just whether you'll choose a ranch style home or a split-level. It would be really tragic if he has another of his "existential crises" when you're married and have a couple of kids. What would stop him from saying "I didn't want to get married, I only did it because YOU wanted to! I need to travel around and have some alone time to deal with my 'existential crisis'!"

 

BTW, who came up with the term "existential crisis"? Him?

 

That's exactly what I am afraid of.. not having that sense of security that something like this would not happen again. And that if it happens again we would be in a much situation than right now (as we currently do not share any properties or kids). But again, if the idea is to start as a reset, you don't have that type of trust with someone you have just met. I understand that it is not exactly the same but I know that for this to work it can't be just a continuation of what we had and we should learn from this and improve our communication to decrease the chances of something like this to happen again.

 

Also, if the relationship anxiety crisis was just an excuse to get some girls under his sheets, why has he not waited longer to come back? We agreed on meeting after he'd finished his travels (in six months or so) so why has he not continued travelling and kept sleeping with girls if that was just his motive? Also, why has he come clean about it and not hide it?

 

It was me the one who came up with that term.. meaning that he wasn't sure about his future or the type of life he wanted. During this past two days he has said several time that I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and that he is in for the long run.

[boltnrun]

Well, you're still focusing on him sleeping with the other women.

 

I guess you believe those other differences are immaterial?

[SherrySher]

Maybe he got his fill with sex and decided to come back. But that itch could easily return and the next go around you could be far more involved and can't end the relationship so easily. (marriage, kids, etc)

 

I agree with bolt, you need to see the whole picture here, the other differences are serious as well. They shouldn't be dismissed. I would worry too that he is going to one day resent you and blame you for being 'stuck' in a marriage he didn't actually want but only did so to please you.

[rose89]

Well, you're still focusing on him sleeping with the other women.

 

I guess you believe those other differences are immaterial?

 

I guess that during our relationship I have arrived to a point of 'understanding' and compromising and I have always had an answer for his flaws. Not sure if a clear and reasonable answer.. but an answer at least. I have learned to love his imperfections as well as he has learned to love mine.

 

I am focusing on the other women because I have just found out about this yesterday. It was shocked me a lot and it is definitely something I wasn't expecting and I wasn't prepared for it. It is not in his character to do something like this and I guess it just doesn't seem possible or real.

[rose89]

Maybe he got his fill with sex and decided to come back. But that itch could easily return and the next go around you could be far more involved and can't end the relationship so easily. (marriage, kids, etc)

 

I agree with bolt, you need to see the whole picture here, the other differences are serious as well. They shouldn't be dismissed. I would worry too that he is going to one day resent you and blame you for being 'stuck' in a marriage he didn't actually want but only did so to please you.

 

That is true.. but then why is he coming back now? He had it so easy to just continue to be away and live the life he wanted full of travel and girls and without any worry. Why is he coming back promising the world and ready to fight for this relationship? Asking for forgiveness and acknowledging his wrongdoings? It could've been so easy to just stay away and get out of a relationship with a girl that could potentially 'trap' him in the future.

 

If this was just an itch for sex, why he hasn't done it the first month that we were away but together? Why hasn't he done it the other times we've been separated and in different cities? Or any other time during our relationship? I am getting the feeling that it was just being on the 'wrong place at the wrong time' for him and it was just too easy to say no. And because of the situation that he was in (us not together, foreign country, confused feelings..) he just let it be.

[boltnrun]

Has he done any of the understanding and compromising? Other than "reconciling himself" to marrying you because you want to be married?

 

And I'm just curious...does he work remotely or something? I'm wondering how he's able to travel for so many months. I mean, it's great, but no way could I get permission from work to be away for months at a time!

[HeartGoesOn]

I am getting the feeling that it was just being on the 'wrong place at the wrong time' for him and it was just too easy to say no. And because of the situation that he was in (us not together, foreign country, confused feelings..) he just let it be.

 

After reading the above quote from your thread, I had to chime in. Without trying to sound harsh, you're allowing yourself to look pathetic after the "wrong place, wrong time" comment.

 

Either way, it is what it is, but I feel you'll be singing a different tune if you stand up for yourself and see this in a realistic light.

[rose89]

Has he done any of the understanding and compromising? Other than "reconciling himself" to marrying you because you want to be married?

 

And I'm just curious...does he work remotely or something? I'm wondering how he's able to travel for so many months. I mean, it's great, but no way could I get permission from work to be away for months at a time!

 

Yes he has. I would say that he has always had more power when making big decisions.. but in general we have done things thinking on the benefit of the couple and our well-being. (i.e. he wanted to live abroad, not entirely my cup of tea at the time so he compromised and instead of going far away we stayed closer to home so I could be with family and friends). And yes, he works remotely.

[rose89]

After reading the above quote from your thread, I had to chime in. Without trying to sound harsh, you're allowing yourself to look pathetic after the "wrong place, wrong time" comment.

 

Either way, it is what it is, but I feel you'll be singing a different tune if you stand up for yourself and see this in a realistic light.

 

No worries that's fine. This is why I am writing here.. to get honest and objective opinion. However, is it sex during a break enough reason to throw away a good relationship? Are the other 'red flags' enough reason to not fight for it? I guess that's just my decision to make... but I am trying to get as much opinion as possible here because I REALLY don't know what to do.

[Clio]

No worries that's fine. This is why I am writing here.. to get honest and objective opinion. However, is it sex during a break enough reason to throw away a good relationship? Are the other 'red flags' enough reason to not fight for it? I guess that's just my decision to make... but I am trying to get as much opinion as possible here because I REALLY don't know what to do.

 

Sex during a break is not enough reason to throw away a good relationship but INCOMPATIBLE basic natures, life aspirations and life values IS. It sounds like you are absolving a lot of his faults based on him being "gifted". How much is too much though? How many "free passes" is he entitled to and where are YOUR needs in all this? Do you really want to risk your whole life on someone who has DEMONSTRATED a capacity to treat people badly /discard people (sleeping with a girl and ghosting her once she caught feelings was cruel and dishonorable), YOU included? My life experience has been that when someone treats people badly, it's only a matter of time and circumstances before they do it to you. It sounds like your life values/personal code of honor are different and imo that's very problematic. His inability to manage confrontation/potential conflict in a mature way is even more problematic when it comes to relationships.

 

In addition, you have someone who has to have his arm twisted to agree to marry you. Plus, you have someone whose dream of ideal life (traveling around) is vastly different to yours (settling down close to home). Overall, your life dreams sound incompatible unless one or both of you give up part of their dream. And you describe him as a free spirit...Overall, I would say that you are playing against some very bad odds but then again, this assessment is coming from a bystander's perspective based on the limited information that you provided. I think that you need to pay close attention to your gut. Deep down, do you feel that you can trust this person? Do you believe in him? Do you think that you can ever reach a happy medium or is it always going to be you excusing hurtful behaviors on account of his being "gifted" (pushing a square peg in a round hole?). A "gifted" a$%hole is still an a$%hole. How much bad behavior is excusable in your eyes?

 

You need to ask yourself and him some hard questions and given what happened, you would probably need to give it some time observing him closely / whether his words match his actions. Then again, six years are a long time. At 30, he is not going to change his basic nature. You know his basic essence. Are you really happy with the idea of being with him as he is for the rest of your life or is it the idea of a "gifted" handsome man i.e. his potential that blinds you to his flaws? To me, it sounds like you cut him too much slack due to his "potential" and your 6-year attachment, yet your respective natures (stable vs free-spirited) sound fundamentally incompatible. Listen to your gut. Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? You have accumulated 6 years of data. It might be that deep down you know the real answer...

[rose89]

Sex during a break is not enough reason to throw away a good relationship but INCOMPATIBLE basic natures, life aspirations and life values IS. It sounds like you are absolving a lot of his faults based on him being "gifted". How much is too much though? How many "free passes" is he entitled to and where are YOUR needs in all this? Do you really want to risk your whole life on someone who has DEMONSTRATED a capacity to treat people badly /discard people (sleeping with a girl and ghosting her once she caught feelings was cruel and dishonorable), YOU included? My life experience has been that when someone treats people badly, it's only a matter of time and circumstances before they do it to you. It sounds like your life values/personal code of honor are different and imo that's very problematic. His inability to manage confrontation/potential conflict in a mature way is even more problematic when it comes to relationships.

 

In addition, you have someone who has to have his arm twisted to agree to marry you. Plus, you have someone whose dream of ideal life (traveling around) is vastly different to yours (settling down close to home). Overall, your life dreams sound incompatible unless one or both of you give up part of their dream. And you describe him as a free spirit...Overall, I would say that you are playing against some very bad odds but then again, this assessment is coming from a bystander's perspective based on the limited information that you provided. I think that you need to pay close attention to your gut. Deep down, do you feel that you can trust this person? Do you believe in him? Do you think that you can ever reach a happy medium or is it always going to be you excusing hurtful behaviors on account of his being "gifted" (pushing a square peg in a round hole?). A "gifted" a$%hole is still an a$%hole. How much bad behavior is excusable in your eyes?

 

You need to ask yourself and him some hard questions and given what happened, you would probably need to give it some time observing him closely / whether his words match his actions. Then again, six years are a long time. At 30, he is not going to change his basic nature. You know his basic essence. Are you really happy with the idea of being with him as he is for the rest of your life or is it the idea of a "gifted" handsome man i.e. his potential that blinds you to his flaws? To me, it sounds like you cut him too much slack due to his "potential" and your 6-year attachment, yet your respective natures (stable vs free-spirited) sound fundamentally incompatible. Listen to your gut. Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? You have accumulated 6 years of data. It might be that deep down you know the real answer...

 

I think you've touched a couple of good points here. He's always had an inability to manage personal relationships and I always had blamed his low emotional intelligence for it... but when it's just too much? Regarding me I've always felt special in that aspect. No bulls*** at all when we started dating and a reasonable and loving partner during most of our relationship. We've had our share of arguments but mainly based on me being emotional and him very practical. (i.e. His perspective is - if you don't know the results from a medical test yet, why are you worrying at all? start worrying once you have a problem, not before. In my perspective I am much more emotional than him and I get worried just with the thought that I might have a problem). We've worked on our empathy, specially during the past couple of years as the relationship was getting more serious, and I want to believe we've made some progress. He makes an effort to understand my worries and I try not to feel that lonely when he doesn't show that much emotional support. He's always had issues with conflict but at least this time has come clear with all the consequences (we could've easily hide it). I don't wanna sound as in 'it's just okay because he confessed' but at least I am not gonna found out about it in 3 years and, if we restart the relationship, we can push the reset button with all the information clear in both sides.

 

I admit he has always had more power into making big decisions but in general he's been considerate of my desires and we've tried to reach a happy medium. As an example he wanted the free-spirit life (travelling, living abroad etc.) and I wanted the settled life. We agreed on doing his thing (which I am fine with it whilst I am young) and then settle down more 'on my terms'. I guess the doubts in the relationship started when he saw my 'part' coming and he got cold feet. However, he has expressed now that he wants to grow old with me and that we'll manage somehow to make our life compatible. Isn't that the nature of all the relationships? Finding a happy medium? He has pushed for the first part of the relationship (free-spirit) but always having my thoughts in mind. I guess it's time for me to be the 'leader' of this second part (settled down) but always taking into consideration his desires.

 

Regarding my gut I guess it's just confused. Part of me really thinks that this is hopeless and the 'perfect'/innocent relationship we had is broken forever... and that it would be extremely difficult to build a family on top of this. And part of me really wants to fight together for this relationship because of the great moments we've had and the good moments I see ahead for us.

[Clio]

he has expressed now that he wants to grow old with me and that we'll manage somehow to make our life compatible.

 

"Somehow" is vague. Maybe it's time to lay down a specific plan and timeline. Then you will have some specific benchmarks to go by. In any case, you need to set some inner deadlines and specific goals imo. It would be a shame to wake up in your thirties single with your biological clock ticking just because you wasted valuable time on this guy. Good luck!

[rose89]

That's one of my fears. I am young and I have plenty of time to have another stable relationship (after spending time alone first ofc) that leads to marriage and kids around my 30s. I wouldn't want to continue 'wasting' my time with him for this not to end good in the long run. If it has to end I'd rather do it now that I am young, can relocate with family for a while and don't have much financial responsibilities. I have already gone through the 'worst' phase of the break up and wouldn't want to go through it again. On the other hand he has assured me that getting back together is a very thought decision and he knows about my future plans. He has repeatedly say that the last thing he wants is to hurt me so he wouldn't come back if it wasn't for the long run. He is ready to compromise and find that sweet spot where both of us would be happy. I'd definitely take your advice and put some specific goals and timelines 'in paper' and see if that sheds some light to the situation. Are we that incompatible? Is there any hope for us?

[Clio]

Are we that incompatible? Is there any hope for us?

 

No one can answer that for sure. Especially not strangers on the internet, who don't know either of you. At the end of the day, there are no guarantees either way. The best you can do is to decide based on what you feel is worth the risk. If you own your choices, you will be able to deal with whatever aftermath.

[rose89]

No one can answer that for sure. Especially not strangers on the internet, who don't know either of you. At the end of the day, there are no guarantees either way. The best you can do is to decide based on what you feel is worth the risk. If you own your choices, you will be able to deal with whatever aftermath.

 

That is true. And I really appreciate your answers, they've been very helpful.

[KantSleep]

Regretfully I don't have time to read all the responses. I can say that this line troubles me the most: "Whilst we were apart he started having doubts about our relationship and our future together (relationship anxiety I'd say) and he broke up with me". Seems to me he was eyeing up the babes and looking for a way to have sex with them, but oops, he was in a relationship with you. Gotta end that so he has his sex pass, then come back to you when he gets it out of his system. I would be hard pressed to take a guy like that back.

[SherrySher]

I would never be happy in a marriage with a man who slept around with other women at some point that he and I had been on a break.

 

You two had been together for six years, and he took advantage of a very short break to go sleep with other women. Me personally, I would never be able to look past that black mark, it would disgust me.

 

We all dream of meeting the right one and some dream of marriage, I doubt any of us wants to start a marriage knowing our partner slept around after they had met and been with us.

 

That's just nasty, and I do believe he got bored of you and wanted a free pass to have sex. The timing was far too convenient.

 

It doesn't matter if he came back or if he told you, he added in other women into your 'love' story.

 

That would do it for me. I would want to start fresh with someone else where no other people had been added in.

 

He dumped you momentarily so he could get laid. It is fairly crass.

[Jibralta]

Regretfully I don't have time to read all the responses. I can say that this line troubles me the most: "Whilst we were apart he started having doubts about our relationship and our future together (relationship anxiety I'd say) and he broke up with me". Seems to me he was eyeing up the babes and looking for a way to have sex with them, but oops, he was in a relationship with you. Gotta end that so he has his sex pass, then come back to you when he gets it out of his system. I would be hard pressed to take a guy like that back.

 

Seems that way to me, too. I wouldn't take him back.

[rose89]

That has definitely crossed my mind more than once. But why did he not do it earlier? Or at any other point in our relationship? Why is he coming back now when he can spend the next year having fun?

[IAmFCA]

Too much energy on him, the why of him.

 

If you don't trust that 1. he genuinely cares for you and 2. can be responsible for himself then you need to focus on that. You are making an investment in someone with a high risk profile. Why?

[Jibralta]

Why is he coming back now when he can spend the next year having fun?

 

Because he knows he'll have someone waiting for him (you) when he decides to do it again!