Touching me while I sleep

Ok so I'll keep this simple, my boyfriend touches me while I "sleep". I use quotation marks because I sleep really lightly and anyone who touches me wakes me up but I just stay relaxed like I'm aleep so I fall asleep easier. Anyways. He touches me, fingers me, rubs me and as of recently put my hand on his genitals. And even if I push his hands away he waits then starts up again. One time I grabbed his hand at held in place so he wouldn't and he just kept trying to make it go down. This last time I pulled his hand away and I heard him sigh upset and annoyed. I mean I feel bad that I turn him down but I have a low sex drive and he has a high one I mean we are both 20. So he has needs. But he pushes till I eventually give in. I don't know how to talk to him about this. We've been dating for almost 2 years and he's a good guy. I don't think he knows what he is doing. What do I do? I need advise...

Yes, he knows what he is doing. More importantly, he does not want to stop this behavior. It seems like it is very important to him. Maybe he is not the one for you. :subdued: chi

While I've never been one to think you have to explicitly ask for permission before trying to get some foreplay going with your partner, this does seem to go well above and beyond. Do you ever just say "no?" Not that I particularly think his actions are OK either way, on the off-chance he may genuinely be misinterpreting when you physically react, a "sorry, babe, too tired" would do well to cut out any ambiguity.

If you're telling him no and he's still going for it, it's time to get out, and yesterday. It's already bad enough if you're slapping his hand away and he's still going for it.

And even should he oblige and be respectful, the fact you two have very different sex drives should have you reevaluating the longevity of your relationship anyhow. Sexual compatibility is a pretty big deal.

Yeah, you need to explicitly tell him that this behaviour is not okay. One of my exes wanted a lot more sexual contact than I did and I'd get frustrated with his advances. My solution was to offer to initiate regularly when I was able to. That cut out a lot of the bad behaviour, but also probably left him feeling unsatisfied - unfortunately either or both of you are going to struggle to get your needs met if you have wildly different libidos

Ok so I'll keep this simple, my boyfriend touches me while I "sleep". I use quotation marks because I sleep really lightly and anyone who touches me wakes me up but I just stay relaxed like I'm aleep so I fall asleep easier. Anyways. He touches me, fingers me, rubs me and as of recently put my hand on his genitals. And even if I push his hands away he waits then starts up again. One time I grabbed his hand at held in place so he wouldn't and he just kept trying to make it go down. This last time I pulled his hand away and I heard him sigh upset and annoyed. I mean I feel bad that I turn him down but I have a low sex drive and he has a high one I mean we are both 20. So he has needs. But he pushes till I eventually give in. I don't know how to talk to him about this. We've been dating for almost 2 years and he's a good guy. I don't think he knows what he is doing. What do I do? I need advise...

You are not a match because you are not compatible sexually.

You said you have low sex drive and he has a high one.

If you were at all interested in your boyfriend then him touching you would be a good thing and he wouldn't have to initiate all the time because since you also like sex you would be initiating too ! However, it seems like your sex drive is comparable to that of a 90 year old and he likes to have sex pretty often like any normal healthy person. So. you need to leave him to be free to date a girl who doesn't complain when he wants sex. He will be in for a lifetime of no sex if he stays with you, and that's not fair on him.

I'm not sure what guy you can date that doesn't need or want sex, maybe try a eunuch, or maybe a guy that thinks hispenis is there simply for decor but doesn't like to use it often if at all.

Good luck finding one !

Oh he knows exactly what he's doing! Dont kid yourself about this. You two are sexually incompatible and unless you can find a happy medium, this is not going to work.

Ok so it seems that I should iterate that we do have sex. Sometimes I initiate it some times. Sometimes he does. I noticed I forgot to put lately. But that's due to family problems, health, and the fact we have zero privacy to actually enjoy ourselves. I don't find sexually excitement by have the chance of us being walked in on being so high. It's personally problems. But what I'm getting at is when I am basically telling him no with my body movements he still tries. Or he tries to have sex with me when I'm sleep. I want to have sex with him it's just we NEVER have privacy

Ok so it seems that I should iterate that we do have sex. Sometimes I initiate it some times. Sometimes he does. I noticed I forgot to put lately. But that's due to family problems, health, and the fact we have zero privacy to actually enjoy ourselves. I don't find sexually excitement by have the chance of us being walked in on being so high. It's personally problems. But what I'm getting at is when I am basically telling him no with my body movements he still tries. Or he tries to have sex with me when I'm sleep. I want to have sex with him it's just we NEVER have privacy

If you never have privacy then move out, you are both 20 and if you are both working then you can afford to live on your own. This no sex thing is affecting him and if your sex drive was high like his, it would affect you too. Of course he still tries to have sex with you even when your body movements say "no", he is young and horny ! If it was up to you, you guys would never have sex.

Move out together for more privacy to have sex or prepare for him dumping you at some point, if he wanted a sexless relationship he would have just opted to be your friend not your boyfriend.

If you never have privacy then move out, you are both 20 and if you are both working then you can afford to live on your own. This no sex thing is affecting him and if your sex drive was high like his, it would affect you too. Of course he still tries to have sex with you even when your body movements say "no", he is young and horny ! If it was up to you, you guys would never have sex.

 

Move out together for more privacy to have sex or prepare for him dumping you at some point, if he wanted a sexless relationship he would have just opted to be your friend not your boyfriend.

This is quite a judgemental and unhelpful response. Please don't take this to heart OP. There is nothing wrong with you needing more privacy to get in the mood and feeling your libido is hampered by your living circumstances. That is completely understandable and many people are exactly the same.

I do agree, however, that you should try and make arrangements where you two can enjoy your relationship without worrying about family walking in on you. That is something that you will need as you head into early adulthood and grow more independent. Unfortunately this can still be hard if you move into a house with housemates as depending on how big the place is and how thick or thin the walls are, you may not want to be making noise and might be scared that people will hear you. It does get easier as you get older and have more independence. Since about your age I have opted to share units with only one other person, and making sure that we were separated by a hallway and preferably a bathroom so our rooms are not immediately next to each other. That helps in terms of privacy.

It sounds to me like you do want more intimacy but you just feel uncomfortable. Can you think of any other ways that you can fix this situation that we might not be aware of?

Before it spirals out, I'd suggest you stop sharing a bed til / unless this is sorted out. You guys are in a dangerous grey zone of consent. He's pushy, and you scared to speak up and be assertive.

This is quite a judgemental and unhelpful response. Please don't take this to heart OP. There is nothing wrong with you needing more privacy to get in the mood and feeling your libido is hampered by your living circumstances. That is completely understandable and many people are exactly the same.

 

I do agree, however, that you should try and make arrangements where you two can enjoy your relationship without worrying about family walking in on you. That is something that you will need as you head into early adulthood and grow more independent. Unfortunately this can still be hard if you move into a house with housemates as depending on how big the place is and how thick or thin the walls are, you may not want to be making noise and might be scared that people will hear you. It does get easier as you get older and have more independence. Since about your age I have opted to share units with only one other person, and making sure that we were separated by a hallway and preferably a bathroom so our rooms are not immediately next to each other. That helps in terms of privacy.

 

It sounds to me like you do want more intimacy but you just feel uncomfortable. Can you think of any other ways that you can fix this situation that we might not be aware of?

It's not judgmental or unhelpful, am telling her to move out, she's 20 and he is 20 they are both old enough to get a job and move out on their own for privacy issues and to have more alone time together which is vital if a relationship is going to thrive and last.

This guy likes her, which is why he is dating her, he is attracted by her and he wants to have sex with her, again TOTALLY normal to want sex with your partner, but she refuses him sex really often.... tell me, how would YOU feel if you were attracted to your partner and wanted to have sex and all he ever did was say "no" or "not now" and pushed your hands away anytime you wanted to touch him ? After a while it's like.... " What am I even doing dating this person who clearly has no sex drive or wanting of me ? "

If the issue is that she doesn't feel comfortable with having sex because lack of privacy, she needs to let him know that and work on moving out together, not just keep saying "no" and pushing his hands away. How is he suppose to know she doesn't like the lack of privacy when she says nothing to him ?

It's not judgmental or unhelpful, am telling her to move out, she's 20 and he is 20 they are both old enough to get a job and move out on their own for privacy issues and to have more alone time together which is vital if a relationship is going to thrive and last.

 

This guy likes her, which is why he is dating her, he is attracted by her and he wants to have sex with her, again TOTALLY normal to want sex with your partner, but she refuses him sex really often.... tell me, how would YOU feel if you were attracted to your partner and wanted to have sex and all he ever did was say "no" or "not now" and pushed your hands away anytime you wanted to touch him ? After a while it's like.... " What am I even doing dating this person who clearly has no sex drive or wanting of me ? "

 

If the issue is that she doesn't feel comfortable with having sex because lack of privacy, she needs to let him know that and work on moving out together, not just keep saying "no" and pushing his hands away. How is he suppose to know she doesn't like the lack of privacy when she says nothing to him ?

She stated specifically that she wants to have sex with him but they never have privacy. I would say he's probably well aware of the issues. It's also possible that neither of them are in a decent financial position, as many young people these days are not equipped to permanently leave home and simply get a lease together somewhere in their own city, what with a lack of job security and high real estate prices. Either or both of them may still be studying, or be intending to study in the future. We don't know the circumstances that she is pertaining are difficult, and if an older adult were to say "my MIL is staying with us for however many months and it's completely killed my libido!" or "we have a toddler who bursts in on us at all times of the night so I can never get in the mood", you would be somewhat more compassionate. I don't see why this situation calls for a different attitude.

If a lack of communication is contributing to the problem, by all means OP please do communicate with your partner (especially with regards to your wishes) and try to work out a solution. But don't feel that you are at fault for wanting more privacy and not currently being able to get it. My own brother and his girlfriend have struggled with this issue for many years and they are 21 now, I know that this isn't something for which there is necessarily a quick and simple solution.

Or he tries to have sex with me when I'm sleep.

That is NOT ok.

It's not judgmental or unhelpful, am telling her to move out, she's 20 and he is 20 they are both old enough to get a job and move out on their own for privacy issues and to have more alone time together which is vital if a relationship is going to thrive and last.

 

This guy likes her, which is why he is dating her, he is attracted by her and he wants to have sex with her, again TOTALLY normal to want sex with your partner, but she refuses him sex really often.... tell me, how would YOU feel if you were attracted to your partner and wanted to have sex and all he ever did was say "no" or "not now" and pushed your hands away anytime you wanted to touch him ? After a while it's like.... " What am I even doing dating this person who clearly has no sex drive or wanting of me ? "

 

If the issue is that she doesn't feel comfortable with having sex because lack of privacy, she needs to let him know that and work on moving out together, not just keep saying "no" and pushing his hands away. How is he suppose to know she doesn't like the lack of privacy when she says nothing to him ?

You make some points but you really are just so malicious on you delivery.

Not having sex often really sucks. I'm a guy with a very high libido. I get pissy sometimes and might have issues. But the stuff you are describing is really messed up. Sounds really creepy. Trying to get you into it is one thing but once a decline has been made that's not cool.

Unless this discrepancy is sex drives is just a temporary thing then I would say you two are sexually incompatible.

So your boyfriend repeatedly tries to rape you when you are asleep and you think he is a good guy?

This might be in grey area but when you push hand away it means no and there is no consent. Talk and explain this is not ok and its abusive. And you need to clearly tell him no. If he keeps doing it then break up and report him. In my opinion this is already sexual abuse but if you don't see it that way then you should talk.