no backbone and still doing what he wants me to do

My ex boyfriend broke up with me almost two months ago, after being together for 8 months and being quite serious about our relationship (I spent Christmas with his family in Canada, for example). However, after the break up we stayed close and continued to see each other casually. In the meanwhile, my ex went back to enjoy single life in college, partying and hooking up with other girls. It's our last month at University, so I get it that he wants to make the most of it. For me it is a little different because I'm still not over him and can't really feel attraction for any other guy.

Just on Thursday, we had a talk. He told me that he wanted to continue to see me because he likes me and I'm a great girl, but that he is not supposed to be in a relationship right now, he's too young to settle down and just wants to have fun (I'm 22, he is 23). He also said that this way we were basically in a relationship without being in a relationship, taking away the stress and the pressure of a relationship but still enjoying its perks. He also said that a committed relationship is too much for him because he wants his space and independence. He mentioned that he is not looking to settle down until much later in life, when he is like 30 or so.

Since our University is tiny, it is very hard not to bump into each other every other day. Last night, I found him at a frat party. It was around 1 am, so almost at the end of the party. I was with a guy friend, but we weren't acting flirty or anything. It was the frat where my ex usually hangs out, even though he's not part of it, and he previously asked me to avoid their parties, because he didn't want to see me there. I always felt like that was unfair and controlling so I always complained. His reply was that I was free to come to their parties, but that he wouldn't be hanging out with me because he wants to party with his friends and have his "bro-zone" without me around. In the past few months, I have never been to one of those parties, to follow what he said. However, last night that was the only party on campus and it seemed pretty relaxed so I didn't see anything wrong in just checking it out. (Also, I was slightly tipsy, so I didn't really think about pros/cons of going/not going but just impulsively went for it).

As soon as I entered the party I saw him with two of his close friends. There weren't many people so it was impossible not to bump into each other right away. At the beginning everything seemed fine, but after 15 minutes he told me that I had to leave. He looked clearly upset. At first, I didn't want to leave and was telling him that it wasn't supposed to be such a big deal. He just kept saying that I had to leave, adding that we would have talked tomorrow. I asked him to go outside to talk, because I didn't understand why he was so upset. He said that he wasn't in the mood at the moment and that I had to leave. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and I left.

I feel like I have no backbone and just act like his puppy. I don't know who is right or wrong about the party, but I know that to make him happy I still do everything he wants me to do, even though he broke up with me and doesn't deserve this treatment. Acting like his puppy continues to lower my self esteem and makes me feel bad about myself. At the same time, in the moment I just can't help it, it's like he completely controls me emotionally. I want to break free and stand up for myself. He says he wants independence, and I think I deserve it too. I can't stand this unbalanced situation. I know that the problem is that I'm too weak so I'm looking for a reality check and some honest comments to "shake me up" a little bit.

He also said that a committed relationship is too much for him because he wants his space and independence. He mentioned that he is not looking to settle down until much later in life, when he is like 30 or so.

It will hurt for a bit and then you'll get over him with zero contact and when you believe that you can do better then some guy that wants to subject you to possible STI's and a broken heart on a continuum.

Surely you love yourself more then to be his gal on the shelf. If you don't think you are better then being that, then get yourself into things that will help you to love yourself more then you currently do. You can do better. Know it and act accordingly. You are no Holla Back Gurl.

Run away from him!! What he's doing to you is not right. When you said he told you that "we were basically in a relationship without being in a relationship, taking away the stress and the pressure of a relationship but still enjoying its perks", it showed how selfish he is.

He's trying to convice you that it's the best for both of you, but no, it's the best for him, only for him! He knows you're a good girl, and he probably knows that are not flirting with other guys, because you still in love with him. And he's enjoying he's single life. I you have to break up with him for real. You can't have this kind of friendship with him right now, it'll be toxic for you.

I'm sorry for telling you this, and I hope you get better! You deserve something better than it!

Further to my post above:

Just on Thursday, we had a talk. He told me that he wanted to continue to see me because he likes me and I'm a great girl, but that he is not supposed to be in a relationship right now,

Surely you love yourself more then to be his gal on the shelf. If you don't think you are better then being that, then get yourself into things that will help you to love yourself more then you currently do.

I think this is the main problem. I've let him set the rules and pursue his own selfish interests, just to get some affection here and there because I don't love myself. Now that I recognize the problem, I want to work on it but I don't even know where to start.

I think this is the main problem. I've let him set the rules and pursue his own selfish interests, just to get some affection here and there because I don't love myself. Now that I recognize the problem, I want to work on it but I don't even know where to start.

Start by leaving him after you've told him that things aren't working out for you the way you deserve and you have decided that being single is better then being with someone who doesn't value you. Then work on confident building things like joining a gym, doing something you always wanted to do but were too timid to try, working on a new look, have the strength to leave someone immediately who is not showing you value... do it before you become addicted to having them in your life. Tell yourself that you're worth more then someone's option... because you truly are. Rely on positive affirmations that convince you that your are indeed better then that.

Work on your personal boundaries so that they are strong and sure. When you frame yourself as the prize that any guy should be showing that he values you, then you'll quickly chuck any guy that makes you feel like you're not good enough.

Sorry this happened. It sounds like too much too soon too fast. Who brought up marriage and soulmates after only 8 mos of dating? He's seeing other women so all he's offering at this point is fwb.

@Thatwasthen Thank you for your message. I appreciate your words and suggestions very much.

Yesterday night, when he told me to leave, he said that we would have talked today. He hasn't contacted me yet and I don't think he will. He used to give me the silent treatment when he was upset. I think he's gonna do the same either because he wants to make me suffer or because he just doesn't really want to deal with me anymore.

Do you think I should say something to him or just take this as an opportunity to stop talking to him and distance myself?

Yesterday night, when he told me to leave, he said that we would have talked today. He hasn't contacted me yet and I don't think he will. He used to give me the silent treatment when he was upset. I think he's gonna do the same either because he wants to make me suffer or because he just doesn't really want to deal with me anymore.

 

Do you think I should say something to him or just take this as an opportunity to stop talking to him and distance myself?

If he said he'd talk to you, then I don't recommend talking to him until he does so. When he does get into contact (and if he enjoys having you on the line as much as you make it seem, he'll contact you), just let him know that you're done being his doormat and that he can contact you if he ever wants a real relationship. Then just break it off, go to whatever parties you want to, and enjoy your life on your terms.

Best of both worlds: he gets to date others and also have you around for sex and support.

Why in the world would you EVER sign up for this demotion???? Have some self respect, go NC and block his azz.

Stop being a doormat and move on!

However, after the break up we stayed close and continued to see each other casually.

That's a mistake. I'd dive off of his radar, completely, other than being civil when our paths cross. You're not allowing yourself to heal by moving your focus beyond him, and he's had no reason to miss you or opportunity to learn what his life would be like without you in it.

That's a mistake. I'd dive off of his radar, completely, other than being civil when our paths cross. You're not allowing yourself to heal by moving your focus beyond him, and he's had no reason to miss you or opportunity to learn what his life would be like without you in it.

I know it is a mistake. At the time, his plan after graduation was to go back to Canada. For this reason, my reasoning was like "in two months we are going to be apart anyways, so I might as well just stay close while we are still in school and really move on after graduation". I didn't think about the possibility of him sleeping around, having a Tinder account, etc... I was naive. When he broke up with me he told me that he wasn't doing it to start sleeping around again, that he already had enough of it before dating me, so I guess that translated into my brain as "he is not going to have other girls for this last two months of school".

But now, it is not even sure that he is gonna leave for Canada after graduation. He told me that he got a job offer in NYC, and that there is 50% chance that he will go there. Since I got a job in NYC too, I can't count on distance after graduation anymore and need to start to move on now.

Best of both worlds: he gets to date others and also have you around for sex and support.

 

Why in the world would you EVER sign up for this demotion???? Have some self respect, go NC and block his azz.

 

Stop being a doormat and move on!

... I know. I feel like I'm left with no dignity. I get upset at myself for having no self-respect and keeping up with him.

If he said he'd talk to you, then I don't recommend talking to him until he does so. When he does get into contact (and if he enjoys having you on the line as much as you make it seem, he'll contact you), just let him know that you're done being his doormat and that he can contact you if he ever wants a real relationship. Then just break it off, go to whatever parties you want to, and enjoy your life on your terms.

It's been two days and still haven't heard of him. Instead, last night he deleted one of our couple pictures from instagram (there is only one left on his feed now). I'm not going to text him, but we might bump into each other in school today.

Quick update. I saw him in school but I didn't talk to him. Then tonight I saw that he deleted the last picture of us that was up on his instagram feed, which I believe it is a signal that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. It made me so upset I couldn't just ignore it. At this point, I just want closure. For this reason I just texted him "I think we should talk". His reply was "soon". I feel like he is almost torturing me.