i am a jealous girlfriend

i know some of you here will probably roll your eyes regarding my numerous posts and lack of trust around my relationship.

it is me that's in the wrong, not my boyfriend.

he's at university and he has one female friend that is pretty, my boyfriend says she's nice & a good laugh and a 'lad mate'. they like each other's pictures on social media & talk as mates, and in lectures they apparently sit together & talk. they have never hung out 1 on 1 & she knows about me and my boyfriends relationship.

he also said that she's not his type because she goes out drinking all the time, and recently broke up with her boyfriend but was really cold about the breakup & has cheated on her boyfriend before & is now looking to hook up with guys in clubs (she told this to my boyfriend).

anyway, i've told my boyfriend about my worries and he keeps telling me that they're only friends and she's a nice girl or something, but continued to tell me that she's not his type.

i cannot believe this, and i'm paranoid that he will end up having feelings for her and realising that i'm annoying and not as good as her.

he's a sociable guy, never cheated or done anything for me to mistrust him, my family absolutely LOVE him & they continue to tell me that if i keep being insecure and worried that he'll leave me, but i'm scared that if i don't have my guard up & look out for things, that i'll miss signs that they like each other & he'll leave me without me preparing for it.

my boyfriend tells me that the one thing he wishes he could change is the lack of trust i have for him, and that he's never done anything that's made me mistrust him & it hurts his feelings.

please help me!! i try and concentrate on studying to take my mind off it, but i can't.

i'm so worried that he's going to get tired of me & fall for another girl.

in the past he's had other female friends & i used to get very jealous and paranoid for ages & it turns out they were only friends & i had nothing to worry about, but i just cannot stop worrying.

also, i cannot go to a therapist because i have no money, so are there any different ways to deal with this?

my father used to be very worried and paranoid when he was my age with my mum so i talk to him about it

Since you can't afford a therapist, you could try reading some self help books regarding jealousy? You have to realize your boyfriend has the right to have friends that are from the opposite sex. Your family is right, the more you are insecure, jealous and don't trust him, the more you are going to push him away. Reading self help books really help, so check them out. There are tons on jealousy and relationship.

Does your boyfriend make time for you? Does he speak your love language? Do you feel loved?

Try reading Jealousy by Lynda Bevan. I am the same as you. Its soul destroying and you have to get a hold on it or you will drive him away. People can only take so much nonesense. And it is, its in your head, you need to get it out. I almost lost my husband who is the lovliest man ever. I am still insecure but now I think about my thoughts before I act on them. X good luck

Another thing that has worked for me was thinking of what I stood to lose by continuing or repeating the jealous/insecure/clingy behavior. We know most people won't put up with such attitude for too long, so you stand to lose this relationship unless you do something to fix it. Continuing being this way will most definitely turn him off eventually, no matter how much he may love you, and he will most definitely leave you - and it won't be because of some other woman, it would be because of your behavior. This should be enough motivation for you to start changing your ways, but be careful not to fall into the opposite trap (don't become the 'cool girlfriend' who's ok with anything and everything and who eventually gets treated like a doormat).

Self help books are a great suggestion, but first you have to train your mind to recognize the first signs of jealous pangs and nip them in the bud, which is easier to do on the spot than after you've let the destructive thoughts roam all around your head for extended periods of time.

People will have friends, and many times they will be of the opposite sex. It's life. It doesn't mean you will be dumped for them, in fact in my experience I was never dumped for someone I had feared, it was always for women I would have never even considered as competition!

Be yourself, the self he fell for to begin with, and keep everything light and fun. By all means, state your boundaries, but first make sure they are healthy boundaries. Know that if he wants to cheat and/or leave you for someone else, he will do just that, whether you worry about it or not. So you might as well enjoy your relationship to the max, because guess what? Even if worst case scenario comes true and he leaves, it won't be the end of the world. You had a great life before him, you will have one after him.

Does your boyfriend make time for you? Does he speak your love language? Do you feel loved?

yes. i'm always his first priority, he does things to make me happy.

i don't know what my love language is though, i guess i like when he says nice things to me, that makes me feel loved but he doesn't do it as much as he used to.

Since you can't afford a therapist, you could try reading some self help books regarding jealousy? You have to realize your boyfriend has the right to have friends that are from the opposite sex. Your family is right, the more you are insecure, jealous and don't trust him, the more you are going to push him away. Reading self help books really help, so check them out. There are tons on jealousy and relationship.

thank you. i will invest in some books.

Another thing that has worked for me was thinking of what I stood to lose by continuing or repeating the jealous/insecure/clingy behavior. We know most people won't put up with such attitude for too long, so you stand to lose this relationship unless you do something to fix it. Continuing being this way will most definitely turn him off eventually, no matter how much he may love you, and he will most definitely leave you - and it won't be because of some other woman, it would be because of your behavior. This should be enough motivation for you to start changing your ways, but be careful not to fall into the opposite trap (don't become the 'cool girlfriend' who's ok with anything and everything and who eventually gets treated like a doormat).

Self help books are a great suggestion, but first you have to train your mind to recognize the first signs of jealous pangs and nip them in the bud, which is easier to do on the spot than after you've let the destructive thoughts roam all around your head for extended periods of time.

 

People will have friends, and many times they will be of the opposite sex. It's life. It doesn't mean you will be dumped for them, in fact in my experience I was never dumped for someone I had feared, it was always for women I would have never even considered as competition!

 

Be yourself, the self he fell for to begin with, and keep everything light and fun. By all means, state your boundaries, but first make sure they are healthy boundaries. Know that if he wants to cheat and/or leave you for someone else, he will do just that, whether you worry about it or not. So you might as well enjoy your relationship to the max, because guess what? Even if worst case scenario comes true and he leaves, it won't be the end of the world. You had a great life before him, you will have one after him.

thinking of the possibility of him leaving me because of my insecurity definitely makes me determined to stop this.

i will look into self help books, as well as practicing what to do when i feel jealousy arise.

thank you so much for that advice.

Try reading Jealousy by Lynda Bevan. I am the same as you. Its soul destroying and you have to get a hold on it or you will drive him away. People can only take so much nonesense. And it is, its in your head, you need to get it out. I almost lost my husband who is the lovliest man ever. I am still insecure but now I think about my thoughts before I act on them. X good luck

i will definitely invest in that book. thank you for the advice, i completely understand and agree. i know i'm being stupid but there's always 'what if' in my head and it's frustrating

I know. Its exhausing but you are missing out on the present by worrying about something in the future which probably wont happen xxx

Give yourself a break and try to enjoy what you have

And you are not being stupid, you can't help how you feel. You can help how to react to things though. He is with you because he loves you. Just remember that, if he wanted her, he has had plenty of opportunity and hasn't taken it x

I just wanted to echo megamuppet, here, and commend you on your efforts to resolve this issue proactively and productively. Good on you and good luck!

This is the biggest thing that stood out to me in your post:

i'll miss signs that they like each other & he'll leave me without me preparing for it.

I don't think this is so much jealousy as insecurity and a control issue. You're never going to be able to "prepare" for someone leaving you. If a relationship has run it's course and one person wants out, it's going to end regardless of what you do. It will still hurt just as much.

That's a risk you just have to take with relationships....you're never going to be in control. There's another totally independent person involved and you need to trust the m and have faith in your relationship, without that things won't go well. Sometimes things will be rough, other times great. You just have to go with the flow.

Hypothetically, if he did leave you, what scares you so much about that?

Personally, if my relationship ended I would be very sad and heartbroken, grieve....but I know I would be fine in the long run and move on to potentially better things. Even if that future thing is me being single, I'm totally ok with that. What is it about him leaving you that frightens you or makes you so sad? As silly as it sounds, do you love yourself? Could you be alone and still be happy?

I agree do your best to try to get this under control. You have no idea what the future holds you cannot change it either. I've dealt with the jeliousy. It's extremely tiresome and frustrating to be on the end of that. Don't make something out of nothing. He could be perfectly happy with you and only you. Good luck

I'm going to break with the crowd here for a minute, because I'm wondering if he has a habit of befriending girls with questionable ethics? On the one hand, he says she's a nice girl , on the other he's telling you how she's a cold cheating party girl looking for hook ups.

If my bf told me what yours told you, I'd not like it either. Why is he choosing to get buddy buddy with this one ( beyond just being polite and friendly when he runs into her) , is this the kind of friends he surrounds himself with?

I totally agree with the rest of what people have posted. But I think deciding to fully trust someone doesn't have to be purely a leap of faith, it's part evaluating a persons character and behaviours, and adjusting trust based on that.

He's not cheated, and I agree it's overboard to expect a partner to not have same sex friends. But it's ok too to have your boundaries around that . i don't think it would make you an irrational nutter if you simply don't like your bf being chummy with women who are known cheaters.

I'm going to break with the crowd here for a minute, because I'm wondering if he has a habit of befriending girls with questionable ethics? On the one hand, he says she's a nice girl , on the other he's telling you how she's a cold cheating party girl looking for hook ups.

If my bf told me what yours told you, I'd not like it either. Why is he choosing to get buddy buddy with this one ( beyond just being polite and friendly when he runs into her) , is this the kind of friends he surrounds himself with?

 

I totally agree with the rest of what people have posted. But I think deciding to fully trust someone doesn't have to be purely a leap of faith, it's part evaluating a persons character and behaviours, and adjusting trust based on that.

 

He's not cheated, and I agree it's overboard to expect a partner to not have same sex friends. But it's ok too to have your boundaries around that . i don't think it would make you an irrational nutter if you simply don't like your bf being chummy with women who are known cheaters.

when he told me about her cheating on her boyfriend it made me panic a bit & i felt uncomfortable. additionally, i also didn't understand about how she could be a good person and then cheat etc. i'm not sure what to do. or.. just because they're friends, might the fact that she cheated on her boyfriend not have any relevance to their friendship and my worry? because just because she cheated, doesn't mean he will.

he told me that she is a good 'lad mate' and a good friend, as well as a good laugh, but definitely isn't his type, due to her being a party girl, cheating on her bf and being cold about the breakup.

Birdie, i'm worried about how i will feel when he's gone. i know in time i will be okay & eventually happy, but it's the part where i'd feel empty and horrible that i'd dread and i worry about

LDRs are difficult in themselves. Add to that that most people would rather be free than tied down at uni. If you can't handle that then set each other free. However he doesn't sound untrustworthy.

he's at university. he's a sociable guy, never cheated or done anything for me to mistrust him

LDRs are difficult in themselves. Add to that that most people would rather be free than tied down at uni. If you can't handle that then set each other free. However he doesn't sound untrustworthy.

his university is about 20 minutes drive away from my house so we see each other often

yes. i'm always his first priority, he does things to make me happy.

i don't know what my love language is though, i guess i like when he says nice things to me, that makes me feel loved but he doesn't do it as much as he used to.

A thing worth knowing about yourself and your partner

If he's not speaking yours you could ask him to.

A thing worth knowing about yourself and your partner

 

If he's not speaking yours you could ask him to.

i have done the online quiz on the website and it says my primary love language is quality time, and my second love language is words.

i think this is correct because i feel safe, secure and happy when i know the exact date ill see him, when we spend time together with no phones, nothing to distract us, and we are doing something fun together. lately he's been busy so this hasn't been able to happen as often.