feeling sexually rejected by boyfriend

I am a 21 y/o F and my boyfriend is 23. We've been dating on and off for about 2 1/2 years. We lived together once before, but broke up because of conflict, and have begun living with each other again within the last few months now with better communication.

We have a history of fighting over a topic that is really uncomfortable. I have an incredibly high sex drive and he does not. I feel the need to have sex most days, especially if we're lying naked in bed together. However, sometimes my boyfriend rejects me and I feel hurt, ashamed, and defensive.

We have sex at least 3-4 times a week, but sometimes I want to do it more. On top of that, part of what I think bothers me so much about him not initiating sex sometimes is the fact that he constantly "jokes" about asking for me to perform oral sex on him....like at least 3-4 times a day. He works from home and we spend a lot of time together. If he's driving me in the car or we're hanging out at home he'll say things like "you know what I think would make you feel better? Sucking on this d***." He's even gone so far as to pull my hair into his crotch. I've told him I don't like those jokes but he continues to make them all the time. They're in good humor, but I don't feel good about them. Also, it's not like I don't give him head that often, but it hurts feeling like he'd prefer oral sex over sex with me.

We've fought over this issue before. Basically I have expressed my frustration about the issue when I have tried to initiate sex and he's claimed to be too tired or turned away from me. I know I should respect his space and his time, but is it normal for your boyfriend to reject you like this? I am really embarrassed about this issue and feeling rejected as a young woman is really taking a toll on my self esteem. I also feel guilty about getting upset when he rejects me because that doesn't seem fair.

Ugh. Anyone else ever had a similar issue or have any advice for me about it?

Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible on many many levels. In addition to an on/off, moving in-moving out-moving in, never resolved relationship.

You spend way too much time together. Is this some BDSM game or is he for real?

It sounds like he has ZERO respect for you. Move out Today and find a decent you who's idea of a 'relationship' isn't 'hey give me head, haha".

he'll say things like "you know what I think would make you feel better? Sucking on this d***." He's even gone so far as to pull my hair into his crotch.

When you first started dating was the sex frequency aligned with your needs?

Do you both communicate well of your relationship expectations? Is there perhaps something you are not fulfilling his needs (non-sexual)?

It's entirely possible that your sex drive isn't aligned well with his. This is common for many people. Some are content with once a week, some need it every day.

I think 3-4 times a week is actually higher than average. I could do it every day if I am able, however my bf would tire out after so much. Plus, on the weeks that it's more frequent as of recently...things start to hurt down there, which I've never really vocalized or had so much before until now. My bf did also hurt before if it was too frequent. People have limitations that are beyond the relationship connection sometimes.

On the other hand, perhaps an open relationship or someone with a higher sex drive would be more suited to you.

Unfortunately if someone has a lower sex drive than you, there isn't anything you can do to change that.

The "jokes" are very disrespectful though, you should be very firm with him that you find them offensive and do not want him making them anymore.

Yeah the head jokes should have ended when you expressed your discomfort. In terms of sex And its frequency, its normal for people to have different sex drives. If he's not in the mood, he can make an effort to please you in other ways outside of inter course. Its the only compromise I see.

On a side note, I had a girl with a voracious sex drive once. I turned her down occasionally for a period, and I never heard the end of it. After that, I knew I could never turn her down again or her self esteem would crumble (kinda unfair because I have been turned down plenty, and always shrug it off) Going forward, even if I wasn't in the mood, I would get myself in the mood if she initiated. it always had a happy ending.

Anyways you two are sexually incompatible if you can't talk openly and find a compromise.

Nope, sex drive is not something to be changed nor forced. Absolutely nothing you can do. Time to end this relationship and find someone else who is more compatible. Sorry!

Since your sex drive is abnormally high, you have several options.

One is to find someone who actually has an equally high sex drive and the capacity to perform.

Two is to become much more self aware and understanding of other people and the fact that most are not going to be physically capable of engaging in sex as much as you desire and so you'll have to learn to compromise how much you are getting from the person and how much you are helping yourself.

Three consider open relationships where you can maintain several sexual partners to meet your sexual needs.

What you should never ever do is wrap up your self esteem with your partner's ability to meet your over the top sex drive.

I'm not sure about all the other stuff about oral sex, but I would clarify one false logic here:

Not wanting to have sex DOES NOT EQUAL rejecting you.

Your worth as a person does not correspond to being sexually desirable.