Need to make a decision today---HELP! :)

Hi eNotAlone Friends,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will make this short and sweet. I am a 29 year old female in a relationship with a 28 year old male. We have been dating for 2 years & living together for the last year and three months. We have plans to move out this Friday to a new area about two hours away where we will be living together again. Here lies my difficult decision.

We have had several trust issues stemming from his behavior often when drinking. He does not drink a lot or often, but when he does occasionally go on friend trips/golf outings or the occasional three times a year he has work seminars, he seems to go on a "bender" if you will, and has been perhaps wreck less.

Exactly one year ago this past week, he went on his annual Vegas work conference trip and revealed to me after returning that he had kissed/made out with a girl. He just happened to tell me when he returned. I was thankful for hearing the truth. But was it the entire truth? After moving out for a month, I made the decision to trust him and he was committed to working on rebuilding that trust.

The past year has been great as far as him proving himself. However, this annual Vegas work/conference trip happened again this past week. I was very much excited for him to go as it would be a stepping stone in our relationship after we've worked so hard to rebuild trust together. I was also excited because it was going to be full circle and officially almost closing that door, if you will. On top of that, as soon as he returned from this said annual Vegas work trip , we were packing up our current apartment and moving to a more settled, low-key area about two hours away.

During this week's past work trip to Vegas, I knew obviously it was a work hard play hard type thing. I expected him to blow off steam with co workers, have a few beers, play some black jack, no big deal. However, the last two nights he lied me to me. The first night he fabricated his story, I spoke to him at 6:30PM right before he had a client dinner. I fell asleep.

I wake up and received a text message at 4AM saying "Love you so much!! Sorry fell asleep earlier after dinner just woke up! Waking up in a few hours for work. Call you when I'm awake ". That was at 4AM. He normally calls me when going to bed at night, which I appreciate and at least in the morning says hi or sends a text. Nothing. My guess is he felt like crap and was late to start the conference.

When we finally spoke, he continued with the "fell asleep story" until I prompted him with "now is your chance to tell me the truth...the pieces are not adding up". He revealed he went back upstairs after dinner to his room to change and went back out , playing blackjack until 4AM. (backstory---he is an avid Blackjack player but who knows if this is the truth).

Immediately the next night, I was getting ready to meet him the following day in Miami to visit our families. He was flying to Miami and was picking me up the following morning from the airport at 9AM. I spoke with him while he was having dinner with his parents, and he called me from a taxi at 10:30PM on the way back to his hotel---he basically said "Hey babe, dinner was great, exhausted from the work week, hitting the sheets, on my way back to hotel room now and will pick you up from airport at 9AM--so excited to see you".

I fall asleep in preparation for my flight the next morning. I was still at this point contemplating not going, as a result of him lying the night before. Especially because he knew or so I thought he knew, how sensitive this Vegas trip was seeing that we spent the last year recovering/rebuilding trust from the first Vegas work trip.

Turns out, he lied again...the second night, and went out to a bar until 2AM (the morning before he was supposed to pick me up). He still picked me up from airport, but I did not find this out until I arrived.

We are supposed to move in together again two hours away in a new place this Friday. I have TODAY to make a decision or else it will impact our lease.

His reasoning for lying both nights "I should have told you the truth and eventually I did, but I guess I was trying to avoid a fight or making you upset for no reason"

Thoughts? Should I move? I feel as though I am not seeing clear. We both love each other very much, and I would say the good times out way the bad by far. Also, he is looking at rings (my friend made me aware, and plans on proposing this December)

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated as I need to make a decision today.

THANK YOU!!!!! and God Bless

Whatever he tells you is the tip of the iceberg it's a chunk of truth mixed in with omission and embellishment.

However you need to accept his drinking and gambling habits if you do decide to move forward and not police, mother or smother him.

These interrogations are getting like a cat-and-mouse games between a scolding mother and little naughty but lovable boy. Is the overall relationship this way?

His reasoning for lying both nights "I should have told you the truth and eventually I did, but I guess I was trying to avoid a fight or making you upset for no reason"

My husband used to lie a lot to me also. It started at the beginning of the time when we moved in together but has not continued. He has become completely trust worthy at this stage in point.

Its really about how you feel about him, the other stuff is just details to sort out completely. Good luck!

I guess one can look at it two ways. He seems to have a lot to hide and he thinks that lying is the easiest way around things.

However, this is someone you are trying to dedicate your future to and I think had he told you the truth, you may have not being thrilled about him being out all night and then late the following night, but to lie about to save what

he thinks will be grief from you is just making things worse. Especially in light of this being a previous issue and he winning back your trust.

It isn't so much about his activities (assuming he's not kissing girls anymore) it's the inability to own up to his actions in a mature way.

Like the little boy with the cookie behind his back, denying he took one. If he's lying about his whereabouts', what else is he lying or capable of lying about?

I would drive home the point that the activities is second to his inability to be forthcoming with you. Trust is the foundation of any relationship.

I wouldn't be moving out with him. Not in light of his patterns. He's not mature enough for taking this to another level.

Someone mentioned you policing him and interrogations?? You didn't even ask. He volunteered these non truths.

Trusting someone with repeated behaviours like this are challenging to say the least.

It seems like he has taken "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" a little too literal.

Do you trust him enough to continue with him? Getting married is a big step and it's possible his lying as well as his lifestyle choices may prove troublesome.

If you decide to move to your new home Friday, will you be able to easily end things if you find him lying again? (break the lease) Living together for a year and three months is not all that long. Maybe you both need more time together to decide your futures.

What is your gut telling you? Is he the type to cheat? What about his past history? Any cheating that you are aware of? At the end of the day, it should be about your overall impression/ gut feeling of that person after living with him day in, day out. Deep, deep down, do you trust him?

If you do decide to stay, you need to find a way to break the "now is your chance to tell me the truth...the pieces are not adding up" dynamic. You are his girlfriend, not a cop.

Thank you for the quick response, Wiseman.

I don't engage policing or mothering any one, it's certainly not in my nature. When we decided to continue the relationship last year, I took time away and moved out. In my head, it was done. He flew to the other side of the country unknowingly to me, and I guess you can say professed his love and desire to be committed going forward, laying out that it was his choice moving forward to show me he was committed to proving trust by doing the following things (his idea): sending constant snaps with his whereabouts, limiting drinking to three beers, seeing a therapist, going to AA meetings...all his doing. No slip ups the past year.

I don't believe the relationship overall has been this way. The one thing I feel we're strong at is when we do communicate it's in a loving open way--but clearly I could be delusional as seeing he lied this past week about "falling asleep" ha.

Hi Vesper,

Interesting. If I go off of how I feel about him, I will continue to be with him, obviously very much in love. Just confused if it's too high of risk at this point, I certainly do not have time to waste. My idea is paying extra to stay in our current place for perhaps three months but unsure if I would do this to "show him" annoyingly, as much as I hate to admit that and as much as I don't want to, or make a clean break. Not sure. I could see us building a life together, as we are very much on the same pages with finances, religion, other important things that make a relationship successful. I just don't want to waste time if he's not on the same timeline although he says he is ready to be married.

Unfortunately he's still drinking and lying, no? Does he have a drinking problem? AA does not promote "limiting to 3 beers", they promote sobriety, not Vegas binges and supposed blackouts.

Read up on problem drinking and alcoholism. Sadly the dynamic you already have with the promises and repeat behaviors is a red flag.

he was committed to proving trust by doing the following things (his idea): sending constant snaps with his whereabouts, limiting drinking to three beers, seeing a therapist, going to AA meetings...all his doing. No slip ups the past year.

reinventmyself,

Thank you for the kind response. I agree with your thoughts & that is my opinion also. It's the lying the two nights. I need to be with a MAN who will tell me what I don't necessarily want to hear, even if it's easier to just say nothing. I understand the need to blow off steam and I think time away is important. I may have punished him in the past as he may feel for the kissing incident, but that's not who I have been or want to be. In fact, when he revealed the kissing incident from last year, I did not react aggressively or with anger or even really emotion. We were on our way to dinner with another couple , and I proceeded calmly, enjoyed our dinner, then took the next flight out to move back home for a few weeks.

I guess at this point, I have had several long serious relationships, everyone has their weaknesses and I've experienced such trust issues in the past----everyone is going to have some baggage or forthcomings---it could have worked out with any one of the guys so I guess I am confused to the question at what point do you say "alright, we're doing this no matter what?" Isn't that what a marriage/relationship is?

I have always ran after the first onset of trust issues, problems in past relationships. So I'm confused if it's just me at this point or if I am not just seeing clearly.

On top of it, I am an extremely independent woman, I 've had my own business for the last 7 years which allows me to work from anywhere in the US---which also makes life decisions like this emotionally confusing

You're right. Thank you so much for just prompting such questions. Clearly he did this past week. I guess I am just in a complete state of confusion seeing why he proved over time and time again this past year, making the right decisions, having boundaries and then boom...this happens?

In my opinion, if you don't have 100 percent confidence about a major decision, then you shouldn't do it. When you say that he gets drunk 3 times a year, do you mean that he still does this without the girl-kissing, since that one episode? Or has the drinking totally stopped during the last year, although he still gambles?

If he blames kissing a girl on his drunken state, and yet still continues to get sloshed on his 3 times a year routine, and however many times he has guy outings, then I don't see where the effort comes in on his part. Who's to say he won't lack judgement in the future if he lost judgement in the same state a year ago. If he has stopped getting sloppy drunk, then he is showing an effort.

It's a pattern that his hobby is to get together regularly with friends and colleagues to get drunk while engaged in whatever activity they are doing. Just to let you know, there are guys in the world who can go golfing and hang out with guy friends without drinking alcohol, and some who can do it in moderation but could take it or leave it. The question is, is that who your dream man is? I know I like a person with healthier interests, and one who doesn't make alcohol an important part of their lives. Just some food for thought, since besides your heart, you should also use your brain in conjunction to choose your lifetime partner. Good luck on whatever you decide. Let us know how it goes.

I'm just going to lay out the problem I see here, you can do with it what you will. When he is with you he is on his best behavior, but when he is not and he feels you aren't around, then he reverts back to the behaviors that made trouble in the first place.

And the bottom line is it shouldn't be like that. It should not be, "Whee, I get to stay up drinking 'cause I'm in Vegas/not with her" regardless of where he is, what he's doing. And frankly, I'm skeptical about his attendance in AA, because they don't do anything, but total abstinence. What he did in Vegas would constitute falling off the wagon. Him even going to Vegas would be considered something that anyone in AA would tell him not to do, because it's a known danger area.

So what would happen if you told him there will be no more trips to Vegas, no drinking period, none of it. Or you're done. And that this holds whether he is with you or not. And he really does AA, all the steps - like did he do serious amends to you and anyone else his drinking has hurt? Can he even recite the 12 steps? Do you know them?

I say that because my father was an alcoholic that eventually got clean and did AA, for the rest of his life. He had to do major lifestyle changes, because stopping drinking and not letting it be a problem takes a lot more than just saying you won't do it anymore then going to a few meetings and limiting one's alcohol intake. It is a life long commitment to change every single behavior that leads to or tempts one to drink. And I just don't see that that happened. I see he can maintain when hes' around you, at least for now although if he really has a drinking problem, that may well not hold over time. But when he's out of sight? And that is the disturbing thing, this is a grown man who nearly lost you once before over such behaviors, but the moment he went out of town he reverted back.

To me this says he has a larger problem than he's letting on. I would personally not marry him or even likely continue, but that's based on my life with an alcoholic and what I saw as a counselor working in a women's clinic/shelter where alcohol abuse was rampant in the families who came to us. He just doesn't seem enough in control of his drinking to not do it when he knows you aren't around to keep an eye on things. And that is a clear red flag.

It will be up to you to decide what to do, but your concerns are valid. If he can't be trusted on a business trip then no, he can't be trusted period. He's an adult, as adults we make decisions every day about how we want to act and what we do or do not want to open ourselves up to.

These are just my thoughts on it as someone who has familiarity with the whole issue of drinking. He is bound to have known this entire trip. let alone his behaviors, would cause more issues. And yet he still did it and then lied and drank anyways. And from what I see it looks like he will do this every time he goes out of town or you aren't around. That's what needs to be addressed and resolved, I would say, before you move forward. This is just my own opinion, mind you. You will need to do what you feel is right, but that's what I see is the problem. That he can't seem to or doesn't want to police himself when you aren't around.

Thanks for the response! Very helpful. The drinking has stopped the last year, not going to bars or putting himself in situations, no slips ups or any of the old garbage although he will occasionally drink when golfing and then obviously this past work trip it sounds like he took it back to his old ways. It's just the lying about where he was and the timing of when he sent the lie. I will now never know---if he was telling the absolute truth when he admitted that he was just avoiding a fight then that would be unfortunate but that's the problem---I will now never know. Other than that, he has been what I thought my dream man, but maybe I'm just so clouded I can't tell.

ParisP,

Thank you for the response. We obviously addressed it and he said he would never take the chance & lie to avoid a fight. However, given the little time I have to make a decision to move again with him, he kind of left me no choice, as sad as I am not moving with him. Agree? Do I discount the past year he spent proving this to me based off the two nights last week? That's where I am overthinking. not sure.

Hi Clio,

Thanks for the response. That's the problem, I am not sure what my gut is telling me. It also doesn't help that I run my own cyber security business, so let's just say if I wanted to play detective I could ...haha but I made a personal choice not to live like that. I can tell you that there were no accounts of cheating in the past year. 100% fact. However, at this point how can I believe he's telling me the truth. My point is, if he called me the other nights at 2,3AM after dinners and the long nights with co-workers, while having a few drinks, why couldn't he do that the night at 4AM? What was the difference THAT night? Hence then add in the lie, how can I possibly believe I am getting the full story. I am not here wanting to decipher and tear apart the story, but I truly am seeking is this person going to be a solid bet long-term, will it work out?

I would say with cheating, we have had the one incident last year. However, this is his first adult relationship if you will. I trust him 100% not drinking. The problem lies in him being able to establish boundaries and limits to avoid getting into sticky situations while drinking or "off the map"---isn't that every guy? HAHA or so it seems. I think my problem has been I have had two long-term relationships prior to this one 4 year and another 4 year--where I flat out broke up out of nowhere with him because I realized we were not on the same timeline. They weren't ready to give up the drinking and flirting game. I guess you could say regardless, I have a type and maybe I should refocus my efforts on that haha.

But comparing this relationship to the others, it has been more blissful and successful overall, which I think it playing into my indecisiveness. Perhaps I've never had 100% trust with anyone and that could also be a factor.

Hi Clio,

 

Thanks for the response. That's the problem, I am not sure what my gut is telling me. It also doesn't help that I run my own cyber security business, so let's just say if I wanted to play detective I could ...haha but I made a personal choice not to live like that. I can tell you that there were no accounts of cheating in the past year. 100% fact. However, at this point how can I believe he's telling me the truth. My point is, if he called me the other nights at 2,3AM after dinners and the long nights with co-workers, while having a few drinks, why couldn't he do that the night at 4AM? What was the difference THAT night? Hence then add in the lie, how can I possibly believe I am getting the full story. I am not here wanting to decipher and tear apart the story, but I truly am seeking is this person going to be a solid bet long-term, will it work out?

 

I would say with cheating, we have had the one incident last year. However, this is his first adult relationship if you will. I trust him 100% not drinking. The problem lies in him being able to establish boundaries and limits to avoid getting into sticky situations while drinking or "off the map"---isn't that every guy? HAHA or so it seems. I think my problem has been I have had two long-term relationships prior to this one 4 year and another 4 year--where I flat out broke up out of nowhere with him because I realized we were not on the same timeline. They weren't ready to give up the drinking and flirting game. I guess you could say regardless, I have a type and maybe I should refocus my efforts on that haha.

 

But comparing this relationship to the others, it has been more blissful and successful overall, which I think it playing into my indecisiveness. Perhaps I've never had 100% trust with anyone and that could also be a factor.

What I just read was some rationalizing.

As if someone's first serious relationship is where you learn integrity and maturity? No, you either have it or you don't.

Relationship 1 or 20, doesn't matter.

Perhaps it's you being mistrusting? He chose to lie to you. You didn't cause it.

Don't move in with him. The only "truth" he's given you is proving himself a liar.

I guess I am just in a complete state of confusion seeing why he proved over time and time again this past year, making the right decisions, having boundaries and then boom...this happens?

Actually, he proved the opposite. He has no self control and makes very poor decisions. You only know about what he told you.

I think you'd be making a huge mistake if you moved in with him.

I guess at this point, I have had several long serious relationships, everyone has their weaknesses and I've experienced such trust issues in the past----everyone is going to have some baggage or forthcomings---it could have worked out with any one of the guys so I guess I am confused to the question at what point do you say "alright, we're doing this no matter what?" Isn't that what a marriage/relationship is?

In other words, they're all defective, so it might as well be this one? That's quite a dismal outlook.

No, I don't think a marriage or a relationship is a compromise like that. It's a partnership where two people support each other.

Thank you all so so much for your help!! keep the probing thoughts coming as I need them. I am starting to go back and forth in my head but I know I have no choice ..

Also not that this matters, but I should say that we chatted again , obviously he's still here until Friday.... he did call me every night while in Vegas this time around---- which I appreciated and could tell he was making an effort to show me he can still drink, have fun and make " responsible choices" (Up until the night he lied). He was having a few drinks each time with co workers but not drunk (every night I did speak with him aside from the last two). I spoke with him every night as he facetimed me in bed. (again his choice not mind)

(also, please keep in mind if you're picturing some crazy woman texting or calling her man ---that is not me---even when in a relationship . I've probably only called him FIRST less than I can count on one hand in two years---not to play games, but I just always let the man lead, especially while at work, away, etc). So all of his choices to text me, call, send snaps of him waking up/in bed has been his routine that he has chosen to establish....and as a result, I have become comfortable. Make sense?

I am not trying to sound delusional, as I am sticking with my decision to take a step back, but his reasoning for the "not telling me the truth to avoid a fight" was because the night before he did call me while drinking at 3AM and I was a bit crabby/annoyed....so his "logic" accordingly to him was to just not chat with me until the next day and in the meantime, avoid a fight by just not sharing he was out drinking with co workers late again.

Who knows. Not like this matters but I can understand if I was pissed the night before why he would try to avoid a fight.

Not making excuses like I said sticking to my guns here, but it is confusing.