Hello every one.
I,m having a bad day today so I have joined this to write everything down and maybe it will help . Some of you might say serves you right. and eat it up etc..this is my story.
I am living with a woman and have been for 22 years, The past 16 years we have lived separate lives since the birth of our daughter who is now 16 and who I love all the world. The sexual side of things between me and my partner ( hard to call her partner as we have not even kissed in all that time ,15 years ) dried up after the birth of our one and only child. I coped ok for 7 years I just got on with life, she had her bedroom I had mine. life went on and on .same old same old. then one night during a party I was invited to I met a woman who was single ,my age and we hit it off straight away. I sat for hours telling her how my life was and she did the same about hers, we began to see each other in secret , Now this is where some of you might call me a cheat , but I dont and refused to accept I am or was as I had no sexual relationship with the mother of my child , none at all. some years before I met this lady at the party I tried to move out once and start afresh but my partner said she would move away to Scotland and I would not see my daughter so the inevitable happened and I went back and here I am to this day. For the past 7 years I have been secretly seeing this other woman who I fell deeply in love with and she fell deeply in love with me. she did not pressure me at first to leave my child and time went on. then as it got into the years stage she asked me frequently to live with her , I always promised I would , the thought of bringing pain to my daughter heart was too much and up until 2 weeks ago I was still in the same situation sneaking off when I could to see this lady who loved me , or used to. it was awful for me awful for her and awful for my home partner and child , I right mess. I should have resolved years ago. anyway This past month or so the lady I love became a little distant and down when I was there to see her. I knew she was at the end and sick of me making the promise to live with her and something had changed. I lost my Father around 15 moths ago and it was his birthday 2 weeks ago to this day, I felt really low all day and just wanted to see the woman who made me happy. I visited her around 8pm a surprise visit , The front door was unlocked so I just walked in as I always used to , she came rushing out the front room and pointed to the kitchen where a man was standing behind a glass door talking to her son. it was her ex from 20 years ago and she had not seen him for years, she said mick had come round to see her son then rushed upstairs , I thought why did she rush away, then her sons girlfriend came down and said to me pete you have to leave , I knew there and then there was more to it than this old ex of hers seeing her son, If it was innocent she would have introduced me, but she hid upstairs and I ended up leaving. I sent her 2 texts shortly after telling her how gutted i was to find her like this. I knew she was down and fed up and I would have honestly understood if she had said the weeks before she can not go on any longer the way we have and she wanted to end it. I could not complain as I had let her down so many times in the past through not moving in. but she had obviously been seeing this ex for at least the past few months while I was not there , call it 2 men on the go I suppose. and that night it all came crashing around her feet. anyway I sent her two texts she sent 2 cold ones back and I have been so gutted since. last night was my last contact. I know she has little money and I sent her £100 which is a lot to her via her bank. I said I know you dont love me any more or want me , I know you have no money so use this £100 and please dont reply. and told her to take good care of herself. That was it then I have not contacted again and I wont its pointless she has a new buzz in her life and I am old news. so I,m sat back at home living the false life and feeling so unhappy. I know I have messed up. I can not make it better. there is no love at all between me and the mother of my child who I live with/.I can see even now she is wanting me out the way as our child will be off to uni soon so it will be us 2 sat looking at each other with nothing to say . pointless existence. I know some of you will say its time to move on and move out but right now I am a wreck I could not face being alone knowing I have lost the woman I loved and also not being around my daughter who is the only person that brings some warmth to my heart.
I just hope I can move on with out cracking up over it all.