I need some advice...

Long post, sorry in advance, but thank you for reading!

I met my wife 9 years ago and we've been married for 5 years. We were 25 when we got married. For the first 7 years of our relationship, she always had a decent job, was a hard worker and seemed very career-oriented, often expressing desire to move up into management given enough time to progress her career. During the early years, I got some certifications in IT and began my career as well, quickly moving up to Senior level positions, which meant more money but also more stress. We bought our first house and everything was going pretty well. We had a decent savings, and were able to occasionally treat ourselves to a weekend away, or a nice dinner at a high-end restaurant, things like that. We then had our first child, a boy, and my wife decided it would be better for her to not go back to her job after her maternity leave but instead would work at a daycare/preschool where she would be able to take our son for free and still get an OK paycheck (it was far less income on a weekly basis than her previous job, but at the time, it wasn't much of a problem). Unfortunately, the house and neighborhood that we were in was not conducive at all to raising a family, as there was a college-dorm style multi-family apartment next door to us and it was causing all kinds of bad situations for us. When we first purchased our house, the apartments next door were vacant so we didn't think twice about it. Now that it was occupied by unruly college kids, and we had a young family, we couldn't continue to live like that. They'd be partying at 3am on a weekday morning, yelling and screaming, waking up my son, throwing trash and glass bottles on our lawn and everything else you can imagine. We talked to the tenants and Landlord about it but they didn't give a , so we ended up having to call the Police a bunch of times. Nothing changed though, so we finally made the decision to sell the house and buy a new one.

In order for that to happen, one of us needed to make a lot more money than we were currently bringing in since the housing market and average home prices had risen significantly over the few years since buying our first house. When we listed our house, it was pretty much the cheapest one on the market that wasn't actually falling apart. Since our son was barely a toddler while this was all going on, I said fine, I'll be the one to change jobs and figure this out - which I did. The new job was a huge increase in pay, but was also a major time commitment compared to my last job. My commute alone is now 90 minutes each way, and also requires a TON of off-hours/weekend work on top of the normal schedule. But hey, it's worth it once we get into a new, nicer house. We purchased the new house that we currently live in, and it was relatively affordable considering our combined income.

Fast forward to present day. Everything that my Wife and I had in common is now gone. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but she lost interest in any and all things that we used to do and all she wants to do is sit around and watch TV constantly once our son is in bed. Before that happened, we used to share lots of common interests, such as music, video games, hanging with friends, etc. I'm not really into watching too much TV and never have been, so this on it's own has been aggravating to deal with. I ask her all the time if she wants to do this or that tonight when our son is asleep, and she shoots down every single thing I suggest. I've even tried suggesting things that I think would specifically be of some interest to her, and she still isn't having it. This has left us in a very roommates-with-a-child type scenario. All companionship is pretty much out the window. She seems to be totally OK with this, and we've talked about it but nothing changes. She isn't bothered by the dynamic. This is a huge problem for me, since I definitely didn't get married to just work my ass off, then spend all my free time alone. Sure, I have friends of course, but that isn't what I'm talking about here.

Now the real issue. My Wife sabotaged her daycare job by breaking the rules and overstepping constantly, so she left. This was completely her own fault, trust me on this one. She left without having a steady income, which again was a bad decision, and we wiped out our savings completely and started plummeting into debt by the time she found a replacement job, and that job sucked considerably worse for us financially. This was almost a year ago, and now we're really in trouble. I've tried talking to her and calmly explaining how dire the situation is, but she's totally head-in-the-clouds oblivious no matter what I say or show to her in regards to our finances. It's to the point that we are most likely going to lose our house, but she doesn't get it. I've tried telling her 100 different ways.

In a calculated panic, I've decided to take up a SECOND career that I can do part-time, so now I'm killing myself to get us out of debt and to keep us afloat. She works like 16 hours a week, makes terrible money, and has absolutely no motivation to change that. She uses the excuse that she doesn't want to send our son to a daycare so that she can work full time. She "just wants to be a mother". She also has made it clear that she "can never work fulltime", even once my son is in grade school since "Who is going to watch him during vacations, or after school, etc". That is unbelievably frustrating to hear when we are in such a bad financial position, especially considering we have nothing in common anymore either. I feel like my 70 hour work weeks are a waste of time, and she's just leeching off of me, causing all the money that I do earn to be squandered away. I wouldn't feel this way if she showed any amount of urgency, or was trying to better herself and our family. I feel like I could deal with and work on our compatibility issues over a period of time, but her lack of motivation and laziness is driving my absolutely crazy. It's like she's pulled a bait and switch on me. At first, she was career focused and hungry. Now, she's lazy and is completely complacent with living in the moment, and doesn't think about the future AT ALL. We have nothing in either our checking or savings accounts, nothing towards retirement because we absolutely cannot afford to contribute, we're waaaay over our heads in debt, and I'm busting my ass to support my family while she literally just goes out and spends what little money we have on stupid , and pretty much doesn't contribute at all.

I've suggested selling the house and taking a step back in order to get our finances together and pay off our debt, but she shoots that down and says she doesn't want to lose the house under any circumstances. Well, we're on the path to that happening anyway! Yet, she won't step up and find a way to work more, or find another job that works better. I asked her last night if she had her choice, what would her dream career be (and I asked this so we could figure out a path to get her there, instead of working the dead-end job she's at now), and she told me that she "Just wants to be a mother" like I mentioned above. Okay, so you literally just want to do as little as possible to contribute, which means I need to absolutely murder myself to keep us from drowning, and on top of that you don't even want to hang out and do anything with me after a 14 hour work day? What the hell am I doing this for?? There is no passion between us, and she literally can't even hold a conversation with me that isn't related to our son. The weirdest part of that is, she doesn't even seem phased by any of it. It's not like we are fighting all the time or anything. That also means that she isn't being nasty to me, it's like shes totally OK with the way everything is. Well, I am FAR from OK with this. It's gone on too long, and I don't even think I love her at this point. I certainly do not want to continue leading a life with her if she's going to be like this forever, and the only reason I'm even still around is for my son.

What am I supposed to do? Do I just cut my losses and leave? Should we go further into debt to be able to pay for marriage counseling? I'm at my breaking point and need suggestions. At this point, the maximum child support payment would actually be less than she costs me on a monthly basis!

Thank you.

This may sound cold, but while love is love, debt is still debt. Working less than 20 hours a week, not willing to take the necessary measures to ease your financial burden while seemingly content to have you maintain it at the expense of your lifespan (working 70+ over any significant amount of time dramatically compromises your health)... she's not bringing you down with her. She's pushing your head under the water while she floats. I'd feel completely different if she were OK downsizing to the point she could more meaningfully contribute if she insists on working less.

Suggest marital counseling. Consider both of you sitting down with a financial adviser so perhaps a third party can get her seeing the financial reality and the fact hard decisions need to be made. See an attorney about how best to financially protect yourself. Consider your options. Depending on what state you live in, keep this marriage up under these conditions long enough and you'll be working 70+ hours just to eventually end up paying her alimony on top of child support.

How old is your child? Is he school-aged? Is she taking care of him during the day and hence justified in only working part time?

Ok marriage therapy would help to break the ice about communication. Also get an accountant and since you are married sit down together and go over the budgets, etc. with a neutral professional. It sounds like you are on the verge of divorce and she doesn't even know, tell her that.

op, can you specify what she pays for?

whose name is the house on?

if legally possible, don't negotiate. sell, downsize, monitor the groceries, if you have a joint savings account which she draws your money from, get a separate one asap.

Thank you for the responses everyone. j.man, my son is 2 1/2 now, so she is with him during the day but she has the opportunity to work more hours at her job, and we have family that is willing to help. She is super over protective and only trusts her mother to watch him though. My mother and other family members have volunteered and she "isn't comfortable" with that, which is based on nothing and is ridiculous. She even has the luxury to tell her company when she wants to pick up those extra shifts on a weekly basis! She could literally say "I'm going to be in Thursday and work for 6 hours" and they'd be happy to accommodate. I'm going to have to try to work on this with her. Marriage counseling is something we're going to have to do for sure if this is going to work.

Wiseman2, you're definitely right. We need to meet with a 3rd party that can help us figure out our finances, because we aren't doing a very good job of that ourselves. It's a defeating feeling but we need to do it.

RainyCoast, she doesn't pay for anything directly as we have a joint bank account. Her monthly income barely covers groceries at this point, (which we've cut back on) but it wasn't always like that which is part of my frustration. There was a time where she was pulling in almost 3x as much as she is now. We've even cancelled the cable TV portion of our subscription and are just using Netflix. Having a separate bank account for myself is definitely good advice, I'm just concerned that if this all goes south, she'll get half of that anyway. I'm also trying to get her to agree to selling the house so we can recover from this hole.

Personally, I don't think it's necessarily wrong for her to only work 16 hours if she's at home with the kids. I think you need to strategize carefully and not argue over things she can justifiably push back on.

The issue is her expectation of your standard of living not matching up with reality and you killing yourself to maintain it. She wants to stay at home despite having family ready and willing to take care of the kid? Fine. But the nice house goes and you sell the second vehicle. You can work on upgrading again when the kid's 4 and can enter preschool. Not what she wants? Then she needs to let you drop the kids off at your parents on your way to work so she can pick up some day shifts.

I think (or hope) sitting with a financial adviser and having someone other than you telling expressing the gravity of the situation could really help.

My commute alone is now 90 minutes each way

This makes no sense. I'd do whatever it takes to convince wife to move closer to your job. I'd start looking for places that may entice her while seeking legal and money advice from experts. Once you have the knowledge of your options, you can make wiser choices. Meanwhile, start educating your wife. Go over the bills in detail and the overall money picture with wife calmly, but ask for her input and gain confidence that she understands the problems. Ask for her suggestions, and pay the bills WITH HER every month.

When my husband and I bought our first home together, it was under the assumption I would be working. So when we had our first child, I was back to work in 6 weeks. We had a big mortgage and needed my income too. I never would sit around with my head in the clouds ignoring financial reality. Why she does, I couldn't say. Why she has turned into a couch potato is another perplexing question. I realize you are financially stretched but if you have insurance that covers counseling, you may want to consider that. If you are lucky, perhaps it is just a co-pay. I know insurance is definitely getting watered down these days, so money will likely be a problem. But if she doesn't see how all of this is impacting you - it seems it is time for a facilitator to wake her up. I guess she just feels you will somehow fix the mess. That just isn't fair. I get the whole "bait and switch" feeling, and I understand why you are questioning your love for her. She has chipped away at that love by not being part of the solution, but rather, has been part of the problem. It sounds like you are a decent guy who hasn't resorted to fighting and insults (nor has she). That is impressive considering what is going on. Perhaps it is possible for you to enlist the aid of a family member or friend of hers - to wake her up about the financial reality. Again, I believe she thinks you are just going to figure out how to fix this, which isn't right and is unrealistic. I don't see how black and white facts and figures about your financial situation isn't understandable. Perhaps put all this in an Excel spreadsheet and email it to her with a note stating the numbers don't lie, the house will be sold if you don't get a decent paying job. If you lose the house, it will be on her. Good luck, you do have my sympathy.

Welcome to raising a toddler - it's exhausting. In fact, I could not be a stay at home mom (I think) - not sure; I've been working since I was 8. But God, it's hard raising such tiny humans. I have zero hobbies with two kids, and my only alone time when I'm at home is when I'm using the bathroom and managed to lock the door before they come busting in, which of course I usually don't always because I work all day during the week, and only get to see for 2.5 hours before I rinse and repeat my day again and again. I'm so BORING. I'm really, really boring. But it's cuz hey, laundry doesn't wash itself, dishes don't magically become clean, food doesn't fling itself on the table cooked and ready to be consumed, bills aren't paid by themselves, the food doesn't shop itself, and everything else, someone still needs to do it. I just think your expectations of her being super dynamic with a 2.5 year old are really unrealistic. They are the most wonderful things in your life, but when they are mini's and itty bitties, they are giant Succubuses that take the best of you.

Was she abused as a child? Does she hate her folks or yours? Does she seem weird when you try to take care of your son for a few hours? Have you had a chance to take care of the kid, so she can feel rest assured? Do you help with the chores, or is she stuck doing all of it, so is just overwhelmed by it?

Do you two work off of a budget that you both look at together on what you need to make each month, what you can spend? She may have her head so stuck up her butt that she's not seeing this.

I would give her three options. Go back to work, or you two move in with your folks to save money, or move closer to your work where she would still need to work part-time. And tell her that you love her and will support her, but she needs to contribute financially. Because as she sees things, she is contributing - raising your seed! Either way, see if she can agree to part-time daycare at least twice a week, so at least he is in a learning environment, and BOTH of you check out the places together, and choose the best one she feels happy with.

And start doing your own laundry! She's not your maid and babysitter. She's your wife. She probably thinks you don't help her which makes her want to go back to work less.

Either way, you will need to show her a budget, and say, we need to survive, and selling the house is the only way. Think of this way, even if she does go back to work, it will take a while for you to pay off the debt. Your biggest debt is your house.