Doesn't know what to do, and I am to blame but not all of it

My wife and I have been married for two years now.I am 29 and she is 30. We had a rocky relationship whilst dating, it was filled with trust issues mainly caused by me. I flirted and cheated a few times but I was truly sorry and showed remorse. She forgave me through all that, and little did I know that when trust is gone in your relationship it sets you back on your journey. We were eventually able to rebuild trust through several issues. I've always loved my wife so like an honorable person and wishing for a new start, I asked her to marry me. We had a beautiful wedding ceremony and in a year we had our child. She had a tough pregnancy and we paid several visits to the hospital all the ay through. Finances became a big area of conflict for us. We argued and fought many times about getting baby stuff. She wanted us to get everything at a go, and I wanted us to get the only important stuff we needed for the baby. Anytime we argued and I didn't get her,she would go quiet on me for days. Either silent treatment or screams. I wasn't strong enough and then I started to talk to other women when things were rough and to combat the silent treatment. I reached out to an ex and on our 1st anniversary of being married, I took a girl I used to mess with out for a drink. It meant nothing, looking back at it now I think Ijust did it as a way to offload my stress. We didnt have sex or anything, it was a drink had a conversation and that was it. My wife found out later and we went through another bad slump. We didnt talk for months after the delivery of our first child. We had no sex, nothing. She moved away and practically lived with her parents. During this time, I had just gotten a job at a law firm. Had to deal with long hours absent my wife's support and kindness. I drowned in coffee during the daytime and whisky at night. It was very stressful and having to get through work hours and the issues at home were terrible too. I met a colleague at work, a female lawyer and we clicked instantly. I am not proud to admit it, but I got emotionally attached to her. We would talk for long hours about everything and anything - she was also going through boyfriend issues. All this while, my wife wasnt speaking to me because of hurt feelings. We could have easily resolved it because it wasnt something I did on purpose getting emotionally attached to this girl. Parents and elders finally intervened and we were able to move past the drama. I cut off my relationship with this girl I was emotionally attached to and my wife also agreed to give me a chance and not close the bridges of communication.

Things have worsened now. We have bad fights and long breaks in communication. Thing is, when she does stuff wrong, I dont hold onto it. I let it go, I am not one to hold onto hurt easily. She has overdosed on sleeping pills twice, thrown stuff at me etc. Her reasons are it is a result of my actions. I dont know how to say things to calm her down in the heat of the moment and I make her flip. She blames me for ruining the marriage and making her become a different person. She doesn't talk to me about anything, we are both quiet roomies and all she does is seek comfort from her family. I have nobody to tal to on the other hand and I don't want to become emotionally attached to anybody else. I am lonely as !

We can't agree or disagree on anything(finances, child raising, work etc). She always reminds me of the past anytime we go through a difficult phase. We would say mean things to each other, yell sometimes (mostly her screams) and even at times throw things at me. Recently, she asked for a divorce, said she was tired and I was unloving. I have tried my best to do right by her because I love her and would want things to work for us. We haven't had sex for close to a year and we are more or less roommates now.We even cook separate meals, sleep on the bed with each others backs. Deep down, I am truly sorry for all the things I did to her and would want a chance to fix things. I know I majorly to blame but, she didn't help issues either by putting out the "fire with gunshots" screaming and insulting me. I believe it takes two to tango.

I want to win her love and respect now but she doesn't seem to do it. I am very patient now, and try my best to be nice to her even when she is cold and not wanting to talk to me. I havent talked to any woman, although I am very lonely and sometimes have sexual desires. To sum it up, how do I give our marriage a fresh start at two years. I don't want a divorce at two years, we have a beautiful child to raise together and so much more to look forward to in life. zi really want a bright family life for us.

Anybody please advise me on what to do??????????????????

What do you mean when you say "honorable"?

I've always loved my wife so like an honorable person and wishing for a new start, I asked her to marry me.

Like Lester said, I'm not understanding the honor part either. There should be NO pressure on wanting to marry someone. And looking at how you guys got married AND had a baby right after, the whole situation sounded rushed (especially the reactions from both of you surrounding her pregnancy). Why was it?

Finances became a big area of conflict for us. We argued and fought many times about getting baby stuff. She wanted us to get everything at a go, and I wanted us to get the only important stuff we needed for the baby.

This is Baby Brain and typical for many women who go through a pregnancy. Stick with important stuff. If she wants more then hopefully someone will throw her a baby shower. Got to stand up to her.

I reached out to an ex and on our 1st anniversary of being married, I took a girl I used to mess with out for a drink. It meant nothing, looking back at it now I think Ijust did it as a way to offload my stress.

That's really messed up. I would of filed for divorce if I were your wife. Stressed or not, it's no excuse to get in touch with your ex on your FIRST wedding anniversary. That speaks volumes about your commitment to a marriage.

I met a colleague at work, a female lawyer and we clicked instantly. I am not proud to admit it, but I got emotionally attached to her. We would talk for long hours about everything and anything - she was also going through boyfriend issues. All this while, my wife wasnt speaking to me because of hurt feelings.

You speak of honor, yet you can't properly divorce your wife before climbing into another relationship.

Buddy, you are a hot mess making all these bad choices. As an adult you should know better.

I want to win her love and respect now but she doesn't seem to do it.

Reading your post, the damage has already been done and she is not willing to forgive you. Honestly, who can blame her? You have broken her trust on MULTIPLE occasions and have been incredibly dishonest to her. Trust is very difficult - sometimes impossible - to repair. Saying sorry only gets you so far, but your actions speak for your character- especially repeated offenses.

In your defense however, she should not be assaulting you (throwing objects). That should. It be tolerated.

You can try marriage counseling since you both are at your last resort, but both of you have to agree to go. Otherwise, divorce is your only option. Personally I think the damage is so severe to save it at this point.

First, you need to show her you're more committed. That means you do things around the house like wash dishes, help with the baby, and show her, not tell her, that you want things to work. No getting into it or getting upset when she's suspicious of your motives or needles you.

Next, ask her out on a date. Get someone else to watch your child, and you take that woman out and you show her a happy time. And then when you're both calm and relaxed you tell her everything you've put here, that you really do want the marriage to work and would she be willing to go to couples counseling with you and to get a fresh new start.

If she says yes, stick with it. It will possibly get pretty ugly at times, BUT you will have an outside party mediating between you. This will help both of you decide whether to stay together, learn to communicate and do things better, or to yes even walk away if that's the better decision.

And in the meantime you avoid other women like they're the plague. No sharing your woes, no phone numbers, no "Well, this is just some harmless flirting, nothing and I do mean nothing beyond thank you ma'am, no ma'am, not interested ma'am if a woman speaks to you at all. And I say this because you and now by extension me after you've told me about it through this post will tell you that is your Achilles heel. You go out and yes, and don't deny it, actively seek out what you should get from your marriage. BUT you can't do that until you've at least tried to get what you need from your marital partner first.

And couples counseling of some sort if probably the way to get that. If she won't go, if the damage is done, then at least you have done your best. And you need to take a lot of the blame off of her. Screaming and yelling just tells me she loves or loved you too, didn't and doesn't want to let you go or she'd have never married you in the first place, and she is so hurt and furious both at you and herself for staying that it just comes out of her like a bullet. And yeah, you do kind of deserve those bullets. Heck, now that I think of it you two married in spite of a pretty volatile situation, one most of us would run away from at the sound of speed.

So since you both didn't do that, and you have a child and at the core of it somewhere in all of that mess it sounds like there's some love, it's time to man up and go see an outside party as mediator. And you do that by stopping the fighting, by telling her you love her and want to be a partner, and can she and is she willing to go with you to see what it is you can do to get this fixed.

It's all you can do. Trust once broken is hard to win back, you need to do a crap ton of work to do so, and I think you both need someone outside of it all to mediate or you're just going to keep taking each other's heads off. At the very least you can calm things down enough to talk to each other, and you need that.

That's my recommendations.

Sadly.. I don't feel this is salvageable. More like.. going down

She is ill.. in my opinion and unless she gets some prof help- and possibly medicated.. it's going to get worse.

BUT- I feel things were never very good from the get- go.

Now... ALL the blame is on you and will always be this way. She's going violent.. not good either

You have a kid in this now?

if things progress.. it may come to the point to remove yourself & child from her 'break downs'.. which is why I highly suggest therapy & see a dr for med's... anti depr... mood stableizers... etc.

But... take a good look at all you've said here. There are some real problems here... and this won't go away.

Unfortunately there are social consequences when you go behind someone's back. You played with fire when you cheated on her - many times - and continued to do so while you were married. This is not how a husband shows his love and commitment for his wife.

It's time to re-evaluate where your commitment lies.

We had a rocky relationship whilst dating, it was filled with trust issues mainly caused by me. I flirted and cheated a few times

We could have easily resolved it because it wasnt something I did on purpose getting emotionally attached to this girl.

I wasn't strong enough and then I started to talk to other women

I just wanted to add one or two of the many occasions you admit to getting involved with other women but take

absolutely no responsibility for it.

No one made you do it.

Your marriage seems miserable. . I get that. But you made conscious choices to seek out or get involved with other women.

It didn't just mysteriously just happen in spite of you.

I am just curious if your wife had a voice here, what her version might be.

I also understand you came here asking how to make things better. It would begin with you taking total responsibility for your choices

There is no way you will regain your trust if you can own your mistakes without making excuses.

Do you feel you have really taken accountability for your actions and the hurt you have caused her? I believe Men don't understand the damage infidelity, broken trust, lies causes especially when the woman is extremely faithful to you and her family. I'm sorry but it seems to me you are not truly sorry since you reached out to an ex you used to hook up with. A suggestion is to consider everything you've done to her and now think about how you would feel if she did the same EXACT things to you..reach out to ex..you find out another way etc. maybe you'll feel a little more sympathy towards her and your relationship and truly try to work things out for the better.

On a positive note, she is still there, means she still cares and is still willing to work things out. don't mess things up anymore! or be prepared for a divorce. A woman can only take so much hurt before she realizes it's not the life she wants..

thank you for your kind words.

I am willing to try marriage counselling at this point, we have no other choice it seems. Especially if we want to maie what is left of our marriage work. It would have been easier to separate if we didnt have a child together but, I dont want my daughter to lose out on being parented because her dad made bad decisions. I would suggest the counselling to her and see. I won't force it on her, we both need unbiased professional help.

Yes I do feel like I have taken responsibility for my actions. i have gone through my episodes of regret and depression, only hoping for a new start. I have admitted to my wife and myself many times that, if I had been a bit stronger or resilient our marriage would have been far better. I've been reading all these books on marriage and I know where I faulted, there's no smoke without fire...

Like Lester said, I'm not understanding the honor part either. There should be NO pressure on wanting to marry someone. And looking at how you guys got married AND had a baby right after, the whole situation sounded rushed (especially the reactions from both of you surrounding her pregnancy). Why was it?

 

 

This is Baby Brain and typical for many women who go through a pregnancy. Stick with important stuff. If she wants more then hopefully someone will throw her a baby shower. Got to stand up to her.

 

 

That's really messed up. I would of filed for divorce if I were your wife. Stressed or not, it's no excuse to get in touch with your ex on your FIRST wedding anniversary. That speaks volumes about your commitment to a marriage.

 

 

You speak of honor, yet you can't properly divorce your wife before climbing into another relationship.

 

Buddy, you are a hot mess making all these bad choices. As an adult you should know better.

 

 

Reading your post, the damage has already been done and she is not willing to forgive you. Honestly, who can blame her? You have broken her trust on MULTIPLE occasions and have been incredibly dishonest to her. Trust is very difficult - sometimes impossible - to repair. Saying sorry only gets you so far, but your actions speak for your character- especially repeated offenses.

 

In your defense however, she should not be assaulting you (throwing objects). That should. It be tolerated.

 

You can try marriage counseling since you both are at your last resort, but both of you have to agree to go. Otherwise, divorce is your only option. Personally I think the damage is so severe to save it at this point.

So i spoke to her about marriage counselling this morning, she says she doesnt want it, she doesnt need or want to have anything to do with me. I pleaded with her to make things work, to be able to talk about where we went wrong and the things that I did that I shouldnt have. I owed up to everything I had done wrong and will do right if she will give me the chance. Her answer was no, I left the room. Right before I came bak she was holding my phone, an ex had messaged me on freaking facebook! "why is she messaging you? Why is she messaging you? I checked the message and it was a freaking viral message about Uber drivers in Nairobi confessing or going on strike or some like that?" Like talk of wrong timing!