30 Days to live

I've been depressed for 16 years now. That's more that half my life and things don't feel any better. Through the years I've had reasons not to kill myself (friends, family, fear of going to hell) but I've never found a reason to actually live. I've been on different pills and seen therapists and psychologists and they only help enough to keep me from crying as often but I've never for a second stopped wanting to die. Now here I am working a job I don't want to fund a life that I don't want. I'm done. I've given myself 30 days to find a reason to live and then I'm going to kill myself. I'm tired of sticking around for other people and I'm starting to resent them all for keeping me here anyway. If they hate me, that's fine. Maybe it will help them get over my death quicker. But I can't go through day after day of constantly feeling like I'm burning alive just because they want me to.

Find a reason to live. Find a purpose. Start by setting goals. For example: getting a new job, going to school and getting a degree to get that dream job, going to the gym to lose weight and tone up, also try journaling.

When I was depressed I would write down what I was feeling and I'd talk to myself in the car on long drives like a loser, lol. Venting hardly helps, but it feels good in the moment.

Also, find the source of your pain. What is it exactly that is causing you to feel this way? How can you change it or get rid of it? It's never too late to change your life around.

Look into spirituality stuff like meditation, yoga (I've honestly tried this and it was more strenuous than peaceful but give it a go), and some concepts of Buddhism.

Good luck! If you ever want to talk you can message me.

When I have suicidal ideation, I think of a quote I heard by Peter Breggin.

"When you are feeling suicidal, you are lacking hope."

I think this is surprisingly true in many cases of suicidal thoughts.

You are lacking hope because you don't see a way for you to have a better career. You are lacking hope because you've tried therapists in the past and they have failed you. However, these are things that CAN be changed. You're an adult now and you're responsible for your own happiness. If all is lost, why NOT just quit your job and find a better one? What have you always wanted to do in your life? You could run away and join the circus if you wanted. You really could, if you wanted. And don't tell me you couldn't because of XYZ responsibility. Think harder. Try harder. You are a bright person and could probably think your way out of any situation if you were so inclined.

If you've only got 30 days, I wouldn't waste them if I were you. I would make every one of them count. I'd write a rude letter to a therapist who especially made me feel bad about myself. I'd find a new one and the second she was condescending to me, I'd walk out of her office and not pay her a dime. I'd take a lunch break at work and goto the park for 2 hours instead. I'd go out to a bar on a Tuesday night and stay out til 2 a.m because I wanted to people watch and screw getting up early in the morning. The world can wait.

Take care of yourself. Hang in there. This too will pass.

It seems you've answered your own question. Find a reason to live and don't make it about other people.

Through the years I've had reasons not to kill myself (friends, family, fear of going to hell) but I've never found a reason to actually live.

Thanks guys for your replies. I really do appreciate any replies I get. What I'm missing is the motivation. When life gets hard what gives you guys the energy to find a way to get through it instead of just looking for the exit door? Of course just like anyone else I have things that I enjoy and things that I care about but not enough to make it all worth it. It gotten to the point where every little thing that goes wrong makes me think "Why not just kill myself?" because I just don't give a crap anymore. If I wasn't the type of person who won't even eat a burger without weighing all my options first I wouldn't have even given myself the 30 days but I feel like I made the commitment so I at least want to try my best to find a reason to live before my 30 days is up.

Like angry said goals. I know they seem pointless but they can also be simple ones. I'm working on my place. That at least keeps time moving. Before I moved it might sound sad. I'd watch the clock. I'd be happy I made it thru another day.

Thanks guys for your replies. I really do appreciate any replies I get. What I'm missing is the motivation. When life gets hard what gives you guys the energy to find a way to get through it instead of just looking for the exit door?

Because there is something i want to do. have you ever wanted to see Australia? Or Japan? or Rome? What about signing up with big brothers/big sisters to help a kid out? That will give you purpose.

I am a suicide survivor - meaning a loved one committed suicide. I will tell you not to do it. I have been permanently damaged and so have his children. One of them just stopped in life. Dropped out of life. They are sort of missing, but there is nothing anyone can do because he's not a minor and doesn't want contact. I don't think about it every single day now because much time has passed, but it strikes me at the oddest times - i still blame myself even though i know its not my fault. I play the last 3 years that they had on earth back in my mind looking for a way i could have changed the course of their life or someone else could have. It haunts me. It prevents me from really moving forward in life. It makes like darker. So if there is anyone in this world that you love, or are related to, or see every day or work with - then just don't do it. it is awfully selfish to ruin other people along with yourself and take everyone else down with the ship.

Because you are posting here , you DO want help. Please call the suicide hotline. Maybe the therapists you tried in the past haven't been the right specialty for you. Please do it now. And see a doctor - maybe there is a nurtitional and /or chemical imbalance that is causing your depression