Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 21 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 210

Thread: Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    5,793
    Gender
    Female
    What would you like to be doing with him during that time? Initiate that. It may be good to establish a new pattern of doing rather than hanging out. If it were me, I wouldn't have the TV subscription and would use that money for things together that I enjoy. I don't have TV now, nor did we when my ex and I were first together back in the late 1970's, so if we were just hanging out together there was cuddling-etc., sharing our days or thoughts, planning things, reading next to each other or TO each other. . . or one napping while one read. . .

    Wiseman2 has a point. At 5 months in, it may be a point where you diverge with him on compatibility. Or it may be that you may need to specify with him a balance of quality time with something more laid-back/free-form (such as "time-off-together" where there is no pressure to attend to each other, and yet BE together). If you always have to be "on" for each other while together, it may set an unwanted precedent that morphs into neediness. I don't know if that is happening here or not, but I still wouldn't pay for something in my home that I don't want for someone I don't live with. He can pay for it at his place and you visit him.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,893
    Gender
    Female
    I'd much rather be cuddling, talking, playing a game together etc.

    I think my plan is to ask him if he thinks there is a show we can both really enjoy together. If we discover not, then I am going to seriously consider cancelling my TV and see if we can get along that way. If not then I have to seriously think about if I can live with this situation (I am leaning toward not. It makes me really unhappy).

    He should be able to compromise not watching his own shows at least when we are at my place. Bringing his drone here was yet another strange thing to me. I mean really? Is he that bored with me?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    12,131
    Five months in is when you start to get to know them enough to see what a future with them might be like. Unfortunately this guy sounds slightly "addicted" to watching and that's not something that is going to get better, because this is who he is. This wouldn't be a problem if he enthusiastically did outside things with you or was easy to lead away from the TV, but this:
    I suggested we leave the TV off when he comes here and that was something that totally changed his mood for the worse to the point he ended up leaving!
    That right there is a red flag and it almost makes it sound like he's using your place to crash and for an entertainment center. Does he live by himself or with someone like his parents or roommates.

    Really, I think you're kind of fooling yourself with the whole comment about him being a romantic attentive guy. Maybe he was in the beginning when everyone is on their best behavior. Right now he sounds like he's just using your place to play with his toys, enjoy sex when he wants it, and other than that just go through the motions when you ask him to do something. But he can't even hang out with you without the TV on or get p8thy then leave?

    Yeah, that would have been when I told him I was canceling my TV subscription and if we couldn't start being more engaged as a couple then we were done. Actually, I think you're clinging to an idea what he should be versus who he is. He sounds frankly boring as heck. I predict he'll end up being one of those guys that sits in front of a TV all day and doesn't interact with his family after he's married. In fact, the nice things he does for you now will get less and less over time, because he's not really that interested in you or the world around him or going out into it and being active. He's interested in the boob tube and having a place to freely play with those things. And it's really rude to expect you to sit there watching him and most people who had empathy and were a bit less selfish would get concerned that their girlfriend is so bored she just curls up and goes to sleep while they sit there watching TV.

    And at five months in? Yeah, good luck but right now he should still be in the all over you and taking you out and making plans stage. This guy sounds like he's already in his 70s. I'm married to a guy in his 70s who doesn't do that. We get out and do things, this guy would drive me crazy and be gone by now.

    I have nothing on watching TV now and again, I do play games on my phone or computer. I enjoy a good Netflix and chill night in with my husband sometimes. But what you describe is excessive and just plain bad manners. I don't see a romantic attentive guy at all. I see someone who treats you like a crash pad to enjoy his "watching" who will likely grow into a couch potato watching sports and guzzling beer over time while his wife and kids are ignored.

    Sorry, you can keep wishing he'll change, but this is who he is. He now feels "comfortable" enough with you to have dropped the early attentive romantic attentions in favor of his TV shows. And to act like a child when you say no, and that's something you should pay attention to big time. He didn't talk you or apologize or admit he was excessively watching TV and ignoring you. He had a fit and went home like an overgrown baby.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,893
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by j.man
    Before sitting down and having a chat about it, I'd suggest simply draw up a plan of **** to do. Even before Friday comes. "Hey, let's do [x] and [x] this Friday night." It'd be one thing if he were inviting you over to his place and then leaving you to fend for yourself as he plays Mobile Strike on his phone. But if you're being silent and complaisant in your own home, there's nothing for him to assume other than you're fine with it as it is. Take charge and keep it fun.
    He does that when I am over too.

    The problem is he is a homebody. He agrees to if I insist but doesn't really look fw to any activity involving other people. Being that it is winter there isn't a whole lot to do in the suburbia we live in.

    Recently I was almost going to move to a city where there is a lot to do. He was extremely upset because I would but 45 mins away from him instead of 15. We would have a ton to do there (but again, he is a homebody). I instead decided I would extend my lease another 6 months (pretty expensive decision money-wise) so we can decide what we want to do together a year into our relationship (at that point).

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,893
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by ParisPaulette
    Five months in is when you start to get to know them enough to see what a future with them might be like. Unfortunately this guy sounds slightly "addicted" to watching and that's not something that is going to get better, because this is who he is. This wouldn't be a problem if he enthusiastically did outside things with you or was easy to lead away from the TV, but this:

    That right there is a red flag and it almost makes it sound like he's using your place to crash and for an entertainment center. Does he live by himself or with someone like his parents or roommates.

    Really, I think you're kind of fooling yourself with the whole comment about him being a romantic attentive guy. Maybe he was in the beginning when everyone is on their best behavior. Right now he sounds like he's just using your place to play with his toys, enjoy sex when he wants it, and other than that just go through the motions when you ask him to do something. But he can't even hang out with you without the TV on or get p8thy then leave?

    Yeah, that would have been when I told him I was canceling my TV subscription and if we couldn't start being more engaged as a couple then we were done. Actually, I think you're clinging to an idea what he should be versus who he is. He sounds frankly boring as heck. I predict he'll end up being one of those guys that sits in front of a TV all day and doesn't interact with his family after he's married. In fact, the nice things he does for you now will get less and less over time, because he's not really that interested in you or the world around him or going out into it and being active. He's interested in the boob tube and having a place to freely play with those things. And it's really rude to expect you to sit there watching him and most people who had empathy and were a bit less selfish would get concerned that their girlfriend is so bored she just curls up and goes to sleep while they sit there watching TV.

    And at five months in? Yeah, good luck but right now he should still be in the all over you and taking you out and making plans stage. This guy sounds like he's already in his 70s. I'm married to a guy in his 70s who doesn't do that. We get out and do things, this guy would drive me crazy and be gone by now.

    I have nothing on watching TV now and again, I do play games on my phone or computer. I enjoy a good Netflix and chill night in with my husband sometimes. But what you describe is excessive and just plain bad manners. I don't see a romantic attentive guy at all. I see someone who treats you like a crash pad to enjoy his "watching" who will likely grow into a couch potato watching sports and guzzling beer over time while his wife and kids are ignored.

    Sorry, you can keep wishing he'll change, but this is who he is. He now feels "comfortable" enough with you to have dropped the early attentive romantic attentions in favor of his TV shows. And to act like a child when you say no, and that's something you should pay attention to big time. He didn't talk you or apologize or admit he was excessively watching TV and ignoring you. He had a fit and went home like an overgrown baby.
    I will try to respond to some of these things because I don't think it paints the most accurate picture.

    He has his own space, plenty of entertainment where he lives - so he certainly isn't coming here for entertainment.

    To mention some of the things he does do with me/for me:
    We will sometimes go to dinner, and even though it makes him anxious he will sometimes go to events I have planned for us to do with my friends like play a boardgame, or go to an escape room, go to a NYE party etc.

    He also is pretty selfless and attentive to things I may need: Driving me hours to get a piece of furniture for me, building it for me, cooking for me. Surprising me with something that I wanted - buying it then leaving it at my apt as a surprise for me. He was even willing to help me do all of my moving despite being extremely upset I was moving so far away from him. He will always offer to take out my dog if I am tired, he will clean my kitchen for me etc.

    He talks about our future, thinks of us as a family (with our two dogs).

    So it is not at an extreme that you paint. I just want to make sure I approach this in the right way to get the best outcome.

    He is a bit insecure and very sensitive to negative criticism so I have to approach it carefully.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,402
    How rude. He can play with his games and TV at home. If you are together nightly, then I can see it a couple times a week; otherwise, you should be going out or doing other things.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,402
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    Couple of things:

    1) We don't live together so is it unreasonable for me to request the 1 night a week he stays over to do some activity together instead of him entertaining himself with things only he is interested in?

    2) I did not have a TV subscription before him. I only got it and pay $100/month for it because he likes TV a lot. But considering I have been unhappy with having it, is it really fair for me to pay $100 for something that makes me unhappy? Is that really vindictive now that you see the context?
    You see him only one night a week, and he pulls this! I would be done. I also think it is disrespectful that he comes to you for sex between his gaming breaks. I would feel like a blow up doll.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,402
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    I don't see how this post is helpful. I never claimed I feel like a booty call nor do I think that is what I am to him. So I don't see the point of this comment.

    Obviously I am ready to do something about it so "do something" also not so helpful. I'm trying to get advice you seem to want to trash me without offering any.
    You should feel very disrespected by your bf. I know that I would feel like a booty call. I don't understand why you do not expect more from your relationships?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 12-30-2016 at 01:32 PM.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,402
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    I will try to respond to some of these things because I don't think it paints the most accurate picture.

    He has his own space, plenty of entertainment where he lives - so he certainly isn't coming here for entertainment.

    To mention some of the things he does do with me/for me:
    We will sometimes go to dinner, and even though it makes him anxious he will sometimes go to events I have planned for us to do with my friends like play a boardgame, or go to an escape room, go to a NYE party etc.

    He also is pretty selfless and attentive to things I may need: Driving me hours to get a piece of furniture for me, building it for me, cooking for me. Surprising me with something that I wanted - buying it then leaving it at my apt as a surprise for me. He was even willing to help me do all of my moving despite being extremely upset I was moving so far away from him. He will always offer to take out my dog if I am tired, he will clean my kitchen for me etc.

    He talks about our future, thinks of us as a family (with our two dogs).

    So it is not at an extreme that you paint. I just want to make sure I approach this in the right way to get the best outcome.

    He is a bit insecure and very sensitive to negative criticism so I have to approach it carefully.
    Well, then I guess there isn't any problem.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,893
    Gender
    Female
    Sorry for the misunderstanding, i do not see him once a week. He sleeps over once a week, i sleep over about once a week and we usually see each other at least twice a week, sometimes as frequent as 4-5 times a week.

Page 3 of 21 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •