Just need to vent about my friends suicide....feeling anger and confusion

I posted earlier this month about my best friend of 38 years who took her own life. She wasn't responding to my texts so I requested a "well person check" from the police and received a phone call two hours later that she had taken her own life the night before (the day she wasn't responding to me).

She has no family other than an elderly mother so I've been going to the house cleaning, organizing (turns out she was a hoarder and compulsive shopper) and taking care of the legal matters to get her home, car, etc. sold.

I've been dealing with her suicide pretty well, although I've been on "autopilot" and just getting through the days. What's really starting to bother me is that I'm finding out a whole different side to someone I considered a sister. A side I had NO idea about. This is someone I spoke with, saw and/or talked to every day since we were little. I've been getting in contact with her other friends (that I had never met before until now). We've been sharing stories and I'm just in shock at some of the things I've been finding out. MAJOR things, like she told one of her friends that she had a twin sister (she didn't). She had told me her biological mother was French (I've spoken with her biological mother and she confirmed she isn't French). She told an ex boyfriend that her ex-husband would come home everyday from work and beat her (NOT true). Apparently she hid a pretty major drug addiction from me for the past 12 years, I had NO idea until I went to her house and found the enormous amounts of prescription pills.

I'm just so confused....SO confused. This is someone who knew literally every.single.aspect of my life. Everything, I thought there were no secrets between us. I feel like the last 38 years between us were a lie. I know I need to go to a support group, see a therapist but I don't think anyone can give me answers as to why she lived such a lie for all these years. I don't really want to talk to anyone about this because I don't want anyone to think badly about her, she's gone and nothing can be done. I'm just left picking up the pieces of this $hit storm she left behind.

Again, just needed to vent

Let me preface by saying BY ALL MEANS, you're within your rights to be angry and confused. It's a huge shock and you're not going to be rational right now. That's perfectly fine.

With that out of the way, I've never tried to understand or pretend to understand what a successfully suicidal mind goes through. I think by virtue of not having killed ourselves, we're not afforded that comprehension. I don't even think people with suicidal thoughts can truly relate. There's something unique about committing the irreversible act. That's always been my personal theory, at least, and it's helped me along when I've had to confront the anger and confusion. It's very possible you wouldn't even fully understand her thoughts and motivations behind hiding what she did from you even if she had a manifesto spelling it out.

My thoughts are with you.

Let me preface by saying BY ALL MEANS, you're within your rights to be angry and confused. It's a huge shock and you're not going to be rational right now. That's perfectly fine.

 

With that out of the way, I've never tried to understand or pretend to understand what a successfully suicidal mind goes through. I think by virtue of not having killed ourselves, we're not afforded that comprehension. I don't even think people with suicidal thoughts can truly relate. There's something unique about committing the irreversible act. That's always been my personal theory, at least, and it's helped me along when I've had to confront the anger and confusion. It's very possible you wouldn't even fully understand her thoughts and motivations behind hiding what she did from you even if she had a manifesto spelling it out.

 

My thoughts are with you.

You're right. Thank you. I'm just trying so hard to wrap my head around this person who I thought I knew everything about lived a completely different life than what she portrayed to me. It makes me feel like we weren't even friends at all, as if I didn't even know her. She knew everything about me, everything and I'm finding out most of what she portrayed of her life was a lie.

She told one person XYZ about herself (that wasn't true), told another person ABC (wasn't true)....it's just mind blowing to me that someone could be *this* deceitful to so many people.

Oh, how awful ... as if you weren't already dealing with enough grief and pain in the midst of all this.

There's no way to say for certain why she lied, and why she failed to be as open with you as you were with her. My gut feeling is that she had some pretty serious mental health issues.

Personally, if this were my friend, I would choose to err on the side of compassion. It's not your fault she was the way she was. Some people have to carry small burdens long distances, others carry mountains and are only able to move them three inches. Obviously, based on the fact that she committed suicide, it was very difficult to be her. Don't beat yourself up for being "duped." Some people are very good at living double lives. Remember the good things and throw the rest on the "let it go" pile.

You are bound to be feeling angry, confused and really p*ss*d off right now and that's perfectly understandable. I can't even begin to wonder what you're going through nor what went through your friends mind to do what she did. All I've ever thought is that someone has to be incredibly desperate and lost to do something so final. I literally have no words to suggest anything - it's virtually impossible, but for your friend maybe, just maybe, things she said and did were rational in her own mind or that she was so lost in this ulterior life she had built for herself that there was no way out - particularly with regards to being truthful - and she didn't know anymore what reality and "the truth" were? Just a few thoughts....

Sending you hugest hugs XX

Very very sad, but to be fair I think everyone has little secrets or half truths known only to themselves. I have personal secrets that I wouldn't be comfortable sharing with some of my friends for a multitude of reasons, whether it's embarrassment or fearing they didn't have experience of the subject in hand. One friend of mine is very good at talking about DIY, boxing, and beer. I wouldn't discuss mental health issues or emotions with him.

As a friend you were there to talk to her and help her out at times of trouble, and we can't hope for much more than that in life really.

My father committed suicide when I was 23, and I can honestly say that in the weeks after the event I had my first ever experience of white-hot fury. Suicide is the most aggressive act a person can make, short of murdering someone else, and let yourself feel the rage and pain of rejection.

Perhaps her suicide was motivated by not feeling able to live up to the lie which had become her life - who knows? Based on my own experience - and that of therapy when I realised I wasn't going to get over the bereavement without professional help - I'd make the following observations:

The time you spent with her was not a lie, because you were sincere. Her life may have been a lie, but yours was not. It's important to differentiate between her "stuff" and yours.

Addicts are often adept at covering their addictions until they become so acute that the whole world is aware, so her covering her drug addiction is par for the course. Don't try to make sense of her actions, because that would be trying to make sense of something senseless, and it'll just drive you crazy trying. (Yes, it took me a long time to get to that conclusion about my father). Her bizarre world view was her responsibility, and hers alone - and no reflection on you or your relationship with her. The only person who could have given you any clue as to her internal world was her, and that's something you'll never share now. Because SHE chose not to; again, it wasn't about you, but a reflection of who she was.

You did your very best. You were emotionally present for someone who was unable to accept it, an inability which rests with her and her alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

(((HUGS)))

It's often said that suicide is the most selfish of acts. This is a good indication as to why. Outside of grieving a profound loss, it leaves those behind with so many unanswered questions and heartache. It causes others to sometimes feel responsible as well.

Not to minimize your friends situation. We've all been in some sort of bad way before. It's hard to wrap your head around what it must feel like to be so despondent that taking your life felt like the only option.

Feel your feelings. They are all appropriate in the scheme of things.

My father committed suicide when I was 23, and I can honestly say that in the weeks after the event I had my first ever experience of white-hot fury. Suicide is the most aggressive act a person can make, short of murdering someone else, and let yourself feel the rage and pain of rejection.

 

Perhaps her suicide was motivated by not feeling able to live up to the lie which had become her life - who knows? Based on my own experience - and that of therapy when I realised I wasn't going to get over the bereavement without professional help - I'd make the following observations:

 

I'm so, SO sorry for about your father. How absolutely devastating. And thank you so much for the kind words and advice. ((HUGS))

Very very sad, but to be fair I think everyone has little secrets or half truths known only to themselves.

Thank you Dave...I totally get that. We all have little secrets but hers were mindblowingly (is that a word?) BIG, like that she had a twin sister. She didn't even have a sister. There are so many other examples of the major lies.

Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

I'm so, SO sorry for about your father. How absolutely devastating. And thank you so much for the kind words and advice. ((HUGS))

I've now got so much distance from it that I can look back and regard it as the period in my life where I experienced the greatest amount of personal growth, but, yes, it was devastating for many years. There will come a time when you'll be able to do this, too.

However, I do understand what you must be going through right now. There aren't really words to describe it. Just use all the support that's available to you - and of course there are plenty of us on here to share with!

Thank you so much for the thoughts and advice, I really appreciate it and it's given me a lot to think about.

After going through her things, I do know *why* she did it. Often times people don't get to have that answer, I do so I'm somewhat grateful for that. The *how* she did it was also very difficult for me to accept and a little angry because instead of calling the police, I was going to go to her house myself to yell at her for not answering me. I was running late for work that day so I decided to call the police (she lives about 50 minutes away from my job). I'm not sure I could have handled seeing her in the way she did it.

I'm so, SO sorry for about your father. How absolutely devastating. And thank you so much for the kind words and advice. ((HUGS))

((hugs here too))

You're right. Thank you. I'm just trying so hard to wrap my head around this person who I thought I knew everything about lived a completely different life than what she portrayed to me. It makes me feel like we weren't even friends at all, as if I didn't even know her. She knew everything about me, everything and I'm finding out most of what she portrayed of her life was a lie.

 

She told one person XYZ about herself (that wasn't true), told another person ABC (wasn't true)....it's just mind blowing to me that someone could be *this* deceitful to so many people.

I have to agree with Jmann that we will never understand what really goes on in their mind.

What you describe about your friend rings a bell for me. A few years back, a colleague in my field killed himself. We all knew him as this super nice, helpful and incredibly successful person with a successful business. Later on it came out that it had all been a lie. His business was failing, he was broke, it was all a front. I can understand your shock to some extent because we all felt similarly angry and shocked and so many questions of how didn't we see it, notice something off - why didn't he tell the truth, why didn't he say something, why did he lie, why didn't he reach out to anyone. We could have done things, we could have sent him clients, given him work to do....had we known the truth.....had he not pretended that everything is OK.....why and many more why's and could have's and should have's. It's a shock even when you are not that close, just colleagues in a tight knit community and even so, there is a feeling of confusion, anger, guilt even that maybe you should have paid more attention, listened better, maybe you could have seen something, done something. I can only imagine how much more magnified that is for you. However, in the end you realize that when someone decides to do these things......there was no stopping because they meant it.

Perhaps that's a part of it, building up this facade of normalcy that eventually becomes too much and collapses on itself like a house of cards..... I think ultimately one has to be very very ill for a long time and to be very determined to hide that fact in order to take their life for real. It's like the pressure of the facade of normalcy becomes too much and the out is easier than admitting defeat or that your life is lie to all those around you.

I'm sorry hugs!!

I think people who fully commit suicide don't tell others so they can go through with it. Also they don't want to burden people which is probably a big indicator in why they do it. That's why you never knew of her mental anguish.

You have every right to be upset. Justifiably so! People who take their lives leave the pain behind for everybody else.

It's a horrible act!

I say feel your feelings over time the pain will get easier to bare.

Again huge hugs!!!

Lisa

My Sister took her life too.

I was angry with her for a long time because of the way she did it.

She took pills with alcohol in a public toilet, and a lady found her.

I feel so sorry for that lady. I cant imagine how she coped with finding her in that state.

I send you hugs, I know it is hard.

My Sister took her life too.

I was angry with her for a long time because of the way she did it.

She took pills with alcohol in a public toilet, and a lady found her.

I feel so sorry for that lady. I cant imagine how she coped with finding her in that state.

 

I send you hugs, I know it is hard.

Oh my gosh, I'm SO sorry for the loss of your sister. So, so sorry

I'm not really angry that she took her life, it's the $hit storm of lies and deceit she left behind that I'm having to clean up and this double, triple life that she led. I feel like I didn't know her, after 38 years of being best friends I have no idea who this person was.