12 year affair.. RUN RUN RUN for the hills.. My honest Story..

I want to write this to help others in this situation.. I will get judged and rightly so but here's my story.. I'm writing this for some clarity and closure.. Here goes.

2004 I met a married man at work, the chemistry was instant, I'm not proud by any means but I was in a bad place at the time that's my only excuse.. I embarked on a 18 month affair, I was young, couldn't talk or look him in the eye I was pathetic, it was just sex. I left the job for this reason and cut contact.

5 years later he reappears out the blue, he'd been looking for me and found me and since then he's seeked me out 3 more times and every time I've let him back in until now.

I must stress that I haven't had a physical relationship with this guy since I left that first job and not once have I ever seeked him out or pursued him.. In fact I met an amazing man had twins and am very happy.. I took a little pleasure in telling him all this, sad I know!

Anyway I would be friends with him for a few weeks, feel guilty cause let's face it it's so wrong given our history then I would disappear until he found me the next time.

This pattern as continued for years... March this year I got married, the best day of my life.. A week later I receive an email telling me he's unhappy etc etc and really opened up to me, feeling sorry for him I guess I told him that all I could offer him was friendship, he agreed and that's how it's been ever since, asking my advise over cars etc.. until last week when I had the biggest wake up call ever, I just saw the light. This guy never promised me anything and I never asked him for anything but when his messages started becoming more intense and even asked me to go a concert with him, he downloaded my favourite songs, sent me selfies of his face (weird) I finally had it out with him. Although his wife is now overweight and lazy and he's got more in common with me he's got no intention of ever leaving her, that I'm just his 'spark'. Unreal!.. I don't want him to leave her anyway! Never really have.. I asked him what exactly does he want from me cause it seems pointless and we are hurting people even though it is just friends. He couldn't really answer.

So I've blocked him from every aspect of my life, I've cancelled my gym membership cause he goes and told him to never find me again.. Now I am trying to dig deep and find out why I'm so weak when he returns, yes I like the guy but he's not a patch on my husband, never was!

I don't understand why he keeps returning, I don't understand what the hell he wants from me and why I get sucked in but I do know that the power is in my hands and I have the power to Ignore him.

I look at my husband and can't believe how stupid I have been, I could have ruined my life and for what? My husband doesn't deserve this, his wife doesn't and I don't deserve my husband.. But I plan to put this behind me and focus on my fabulous life.

It is hard though, I connected with this guy we had a lot in common, more than my husband in fact but that doesn't make this right.. I wonder if my father committing suicide when I was young is the reason I repeat this behaviour, or my best friend moving to another country a few years ago who I miss terribly, my husband working away a lot or if these are all just excuses but something triggers this pattern and I know I need to figure out why I have allowed it.

As for him, will he back again? I don't know this time but probably one day lets face it.. I don't know why or what he even gets from it, it's like he's playing some mental game with me!

I will never understand these men! But I'm exhausted with it all.. He's even made me question my own life..!

I guess I do have a small place in my heart for him, why else would I do this? I must do right? but I've grown up, I'm not that Niave Little girl anymore.. I will not do this anymore.. I just can't and won't.

So my advise to anyone who is in the situation.. grow some self respect, dignity and get the hell out.. Run for the hills and never ever look back !

Don't mess up your own life cause that is what is at stake.. And his innocent wives life who may be a real decent person.

I can't believe how stupid I've been, I feel like it's a drug dragging me in every time I just thank my lucky stars I didn't take it further and I saw the light before I screwed everything up. If he returns I've vowed to tell my husband, I'm thinking of telling him anyway cause it's the only way.. I want my marriage to be honest and I want to be loyal. I don't want to be 'that' person anymore but I don't want to hurt him either, it's so hard.

Feel free to slate me guys but this is my truth and honesty and I needed to vent somewhere.. I deserve everything you throw at me, I honestly can't be made to feel any worse than I do now!

But I would love to hear from a guy to try and understand this bloke and what exactly his intentions are with him doing this ? He loves his wife so why? He needs to go make it work! I don't understand it. Does he love me? Or is it a sick game? He seems so genuine but you just don't know. I was so happy on my wedding day, i hate this pig for trying to screw up my emotions although I know I've let that happen.. Grrr. I knew I was marrying an amazing man, too amazing for me.

So my advise: RUN ladies and gents.. RUN RUN RUN it is never worth it.. It actually makes you depressed!

Choose yourself, choose happiness not second best. The guilt, the secrets, the confusion it's all to much.. Don't ever get involved.

Thanks for listening and yes I've been totally totally stupid, I've learnt this time, I promise. I regret the day I ever met him.

I think I need therapy or a huge slap across the face!

Why he comes back is obvious, same as before...looking for someone to complain to about his wife and hookups

This is all you need to do 999;6652231] I need to figure out why I have allowed it.

He likes the ego stroke and would like to have a booty call close to him.

You're right,you need to talk to counselor, I'm wondering why you havent allready.

You saved your family. That is great. Just never never talk to this man again.

The why he comes back is ridiculously simple and totally not what you want to hear - because you are easy - easy to manipulate, easy to fool, easy to use and easily accessible. You do realize that it's actually not that easy to find women who will get involved with a married man, right? Takes a lot of work. Why do that when he already knows he can use you for anything any time he wants and you will always be available. Frankly, you don't even know if you are the only one he is using or part of a stable he uses in rotation. Women who will cheat with him may be difficult to find, but once found....for all you know he has his black book of fools. Sorry.

As for why you do it? If you are truly honest with yourself it's because the idea that he might actually be that in love with you and want you so bad flatters you. Total ego trip. On that note, since you allow that fantasy to grow and invest your emotional energy into it, how can you possibly feel fully connected to your husband? There are three people in your marriage - you, your husband and the cheating sleaze guy, whom you have unfortunately romanticized in your mind into something wonderful.

As for your husband - for the love of everything, please please do not open that can of worms with him. Do not confuse honesty with confession. If you need to confess your sins to lift yourself, talk to a priest. If you want to wreck your marriage, start using your husband as your confessor under the guise of "honesty". There is such a thing as TMI even in marriage. If you care about your marriage as you say, then you leave the cheating sleaze in your past and actually genuinely give your marriage your all.

I wonder if my father committing suicide when I was young is the reason I repeat this behaviour, or my best friend moving to another country a few years ago who I miss terribly, my husband working away a lot or if these are all just excuses but something triggers this pattern and I know I need to figure out why I have allowed it.

As for him, will he back again?

I am sorry about your dad. But the death of a parent doesn't cause anyone to cheat. Lots of people have friends that move away. heck, I moved away from most of my friends. What you need to work on is being comfortable with silence - comfortable being by yourself and not needing other people to entertain you. Then you can happily welcome your husband when he comes home from work instead of filling your time up trying to talk with other people you shouldn't. So go reconnect with your sister or have coffee with some friends you have neglected while fixating on that one friend who moved away. And learn to exercise at home - alone, meditate, if you are a person of faith, get more connected. Anything to be more comfortable with yourself by yourself so you can behave appropriately to the people around you. Also, it wouldn't hurt to go out on a date with your husband.

I think I need therapy

I would agree with that - it would be beneficial to you (imo).

Thank you for your replies some of them a little harsh but I needed to hear it. I do feel like a fool big time but I read everyday about women who are totally in love with these married men at least I've never been that stupid to believe he would ever want to be with me and I certainly don't make excuses or condone it.

I have never seeked this guy out not once and for that I'm proud so he knows I'm not that taken in and I've not given him sex for many many years!

Anyway im not using my best friend or father as an excuse I'm just trying to understand why I've allowed it I clearly need to work on loving myself more.

I don't think I need counselling cause I'm actually quite a screwed on person in every aspect of my life except this one.

My last words to him were: 'next time you want some excitement or an ego boost perhaps go do a bungee jump instead'! Let's hope he gets the message and starts to treat his wife better! I'm done with his games!

If he tries contacting you again I would let your husband know...If your husband were to somehow find out you two were in contact lots and you kept this hidden, it would look very bad and he might even think you were having an affair and leave...Why was this guy contacting you? He has no integrity. When someone has no integrity, you can be the nicest gf/bf and it is not enough to prevent them from cheating...Its that simple...

I was an another woman in a relationship for 6 months too.. However I didn't know that he is still married. It's a long story and more than a month ago, he told me that he is still married and all. It was very devastating news for me because he told me he was divorced like 3 years ago. That time he decided to stay and fix his marriage and even i was so hurt i managed to say goodluck and i hope you the best. He didn't contact me for sometime, i didn't block him anywhere and a week later he emailed me and told me he misses me and still loves me so much. Well sadly, his family knew me because he told them about me.

We didn't get back to each other, and i know he is confused of what he feels. Maybe he loves his wife still but he said he needs to do the right thing especially for his son who has OCD and aspergers. Last email he told me is that everything inside there house seems unreal. Sometimes it is better, sometimes worse and he feels like he is being unwanted inside their house.

I am still in deep pain. I love him so much still and I just wish him the best. I don't know if they are okay now.. maybe who knows.

The one thing I know, reading your post, is that the man doesn't love you, feelings are absolutely not the reason he keeps coming back. The sooner you understand this, the faster you'll get over him.

The other posters hit the nail on the head as to the reasons for him popping back up into your life every now and again - ego boosts, convenience of knowing there's a booty call right around the corner, attention, free shoulder to cry on, etc. Nothing flattering to you. Being married, the pool of women to provide all these for him is pretty small, because most women love themselves enough not to engage with married men. Hence, he will take whoever is available, and that happened to be you.

I'm glad you realize how wrong your actions have been, and that you understand that your family is more important than the spineless cheater who can't hold a candle to your husband. I don't think confessing any of these to your husband would be smart, your conscience will feel cleaner, yes, but at what cost? You can potentially lose your family over this, the trust would be all gone, and your husband may have huge problems getting over the fact that he married a woman who stooped so low to have an affair with a married man. But this is ONLY in the event that you are not going to continue the affair. If you think you will keep responding to the cheater and engaging with him, then yes, I think you should tell your husband so that he can divorce you and rebuild his life with someone more loyal.

As for the cheater, you won't get over him as long as you let him occupy even a fraction of your thoughts. Writing this post kept him on your mind, as is constantly overthinking and wondering and worrying whether he would contact you again or not. Who cares? Why stay passive, instead of taking actual steps towards making sure he never contacts you again? And if he somehow manages to find you, the solution is really simple: you tell him that you are now happily married and wouldn't dream of hurting your husband, therefore you need him to stay out of your life and never get in touch with you again. If he offers friendship, you tell him you don't need friends like him. The whole point is that you need to slam the door shut, so that he has no way to weasel his way back in. His problems are not your problems, and you have yourself and your family to worry about.

I hope you stick with your resolution to stay faithful to your husband, and that you truly understand how lucky you are to be married to him. Just think of how it would feel being married to the cheater, and going through everything his wife is going through!