twisted triangle

Hi everyone,

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation here and I could really do with some help!

About 9 months ago I got into my first real relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) with a guy I had worked with for several years who I'll call Paul. I had always been hesitant about getting too involved with somebody, instead always choosing to focus on work, however Paul had been asking to go out for over 5 months previously- so I thought we'd give it a shot.

Initially everything was great. He was always there for me when ever I needed him, he never missed a chance to make me feel special and to show how much he cared- we were genuinely very happy. But around 4 months into the relationship things changed very suddenly. I received a promotion to a managerial position at work in the department we both worked in, however the position required 2 members of staff. My co-manager turned out to be Paul's best friend of 8 years, Seb.

Seb and I had never really spoke so I didn't have much of an opinion of him until several days later when I ran into him at the store. He told me he had tried to get in touch with me that very evening due to the rise of rumours around the office of him and I having a relationship behind Paul's back. I was obviously outraged and asked who could have possibly started such a rumour. Seb believed beyond doubt it was Paul.

This lead to a fairly substantial argument in the freezer section of target which was beyond embarrassing. Before leaving however, Seb took me by the arm, looking me straight in the eye and told me to break up with Paul as I was apparently too good for him and he didn't deserve me. I was left dumbstruck yet couldn't find a way to tell Paul what his best friend had just told me.

Over the following weeks Seb continued to question my relationship with Paul and I was beginning to see his point. For all his good qualities Paul was undoubtably paranoid and had a tendency towards aggression, making co-workers of mine cry on occasion. Despite this we did not break up. It wasn't until several months later when, very long story short, through conversations and mismatched plans, Seb and I realised Paul had been lying to the pair of us and usually about each other. He had told Seb he couldn't trust me yet when I called him out on it said he would never even question our trust (not knowing Seb had told me).

Eventually we confronted him about the matter. He had nothing to say. He told me he would change, get better, do anything to keep us together- but at that point I felt like, if nothing else, to stay with Paul would be a betrayal of Seb, who refused to remain friends with him.

After the break up the rumours about Seb and I exploded. Paul had worked his way into my social circle and due to his bust up with Seb began to hang out around me and my friends more and more. It made me just as if not more paranoid than him, I even began questioning my best friend. Over the next month or so I spent a great deal of time with him, but I also did with Seb. With Seb I didn't feel like I needed to try, he just accepted me for who I was and stood by me through thick and thin. I felt calm around him, safe even but I still couldn't shake my feelings for Paul.

Seb asked to meet the other night where he told me " even though all logic and reason is telling me i shouldn't….well, basically Paul isn't the only one who loves you". I didn't know how to respond to that. I still don't now.

So what should I do? I have to work with Seb for at least another year and he genuinely has become my other half, however I can't trust myself around Paul. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him and I know he'd drop everything to get back together in a heartbeat. Even if I choose neither I'll end up hurting someone as each blame the other. Please guys I need help!

Which one are you actually dating now? it's over with paul, how do you feel about seb?

This lead to a fairly substantial argument in the freezer section of target which was beyond embarrassing. I have to work with Seb for at least another year and he genuinely has become my other half, however I can't trust myself around Paul.

Seb sucessfully sabotaged your relationship with Paul and now he's going for you.

This was Seb's plan all along and it worked.

If you're really this blind, it's time to take a break from relationships. Paul may have genuinely been a jerk (making coworkers cry], but you have been played.

And this kids, is why you don't date anyone in the workplace.

Seriously, your manager had no business glomming on to you and sabotaging your relationship with another coworker then putting the moves on you for himself. Don't you guys have an HR, isn't it their job if "rumors are flying" to go to them. Why didn't you just do that?

And Paul, I have no idea but it sounds or looks like Seb pushed Paul to then retaliate and then runs back to you all "Paul said this" and "Paul said that." Didn't you learn in high school that when people did that they're usually playing others against you to control and manipulate you? Well in Seb's case it seems to have worked. Next he'll be finding a reason to "fire" poor Paul.

This is awful, it's like a bad tela nova and in the midst of all of this drama is any work getting done? If I were the manager there I'd have fired all three of you by now. Company morale must be so low the employees all just kind of stand around and take bets on what's happening with you three this week while munching popcorn and ignoring phone calls from you know, actual paying customers.

Go to HR or call up Corporate and ask to speak to their lawyer, put in for a transfer or just you know, don't come in to work and go get another job then tell Seb and Paul to both shove off. And learn the lesson that the above is exactly why you don't date coworkers.

Not to mention letting your manager, someone in a position of authority over you, play you like that. SMH

I can't imagine how awkward it would feel working in that environment. Of course this wasn't your question, but why put your job in jeopardy by becoming involved with not one, but two different co-workers?

I'm not dating anyone at the moment but I do still have feelings for Paul. That argument with Seb was the first time the two of us had actually spoke but we haven't stopped talking since. He really does understand me on a level I've never experienced before and I would rather spend time with him than any one else but I'm worried I've become too dependant on him and making sure he's happy. If I so much as talk to Paul, Seb gets annoyed and questions what we were talking about, not to mention the stigma from my friends who have all grown close to Paul and blame Seb for our break up. I don't know how much of my hesitation is in fact me worrying as to what other people may think.

Not that it would make any difference but Seb is not my manager- we share the one job, so it is not a matter of authority. But thank you for your advice.

I'm going to be blunt here. Seb is controlling you and you need to take a look at that. How many friends and people who are important to your life have you lost, because "Seb" starts in on you criticizing you for talking to them or hanging around them in the guise of "help."

Frankly, Seb sounds a whole lot like my ex who did that whole smarmy talking to, oh so concerned about you talking to that person who is no good for you, sticking his nose in my business he really had no right to do so. And before I knew it I'd lost friends and family and then had an emotionally abusive boyfriend who finally ended up hitting me at which time I left him. But not before two years of being controlled and some serious damage to my self-esteem and my own boundaries had been done.

BTW don't you find it insulting and a bit demeaning that Seb talks down to you and seems to treat you like a child accepting candy from a stranger in a van rather than a grown woman who can and should be making her own decisions about who she does or doesn't talk to you, have friendships with, etc.

Your friends are on to something, of course they're on Paul's side, they all see this "Seb" is a controlling jerk who is chipping away at your own self-esteem and respect. Just wait until he starts in on your relatives or tells you that no, you shouldn't take that promotion at work, because you know, you're just too fragile to handle it.

Go and get an outside hobby if you don't believe me. Start to tell Seb about all about it, particularly if it's something like martial arts or dance or going to the gym or some self-improvement class. Then sit back and watch as he devolves from that's great to now being "concerned" because you know you'r really too clumsy and could get hurt, or you're not focused on work anymore because you've become "obsessed" with that class or fill in some other excuse why you shouldn't do this thing you enjoy doing. Oh, yeah. It will all be for "your own good" and "I'm really worried about you" and "have you noticed since you took that martial arts class you've gotten really aggressive?"

I'm telling you now, if you keep letting Seb dictate what you can and can't do you will find yourself on the wrong end of a controlling jealous jerk who may well escalate to far worse. And you two aren't even dating, this is just a co-worker who frankly yes is manipulating you into pleasing him and worrying so much about what he thinks that you are shedding people you love and friends out of your life just to please him. And he's not anything but a coworker. I thought he was your manager, but he's not event that? Tell Seb to go jump in a lake and never talk to him again.

P.S. That whole understanding thing, is it that Seb really does understand you or is it just he's really good at playing "Oh me too" and getting you to talk and open up and then he sort of uses what you tell him later to manipulate you? Like you tell him something negative about someone then later on he subtly brings that up to "remind" you of why you shouldn't like that person or do this or that, because "Hey, remember you told me.…" I'm sorry, but this guy sounds so much like my abusive ex it's not funny.

OP be careful. Maybe it's time to take a step back and take a really good look at where everyone else in your life is since Seb came into it. I see warning signs and I see someone gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself. Don't you think you are strong enough to insist on your own relationships and that you know what's best for you. Why do you need Seb to tell you that. Go ask your friends what they all think of Seb and really listen for a change.

P.P.S. No I don't think you should get with Paul either, BUT I think you've traded someone with open aggression issues for someone who is in fact the more dangerous of the two--a charming manipulator. You need to maybe break things off with both men and work on your own personal boundaries and not be so easily influenced by other people that you start in with the people pleasing at your own expense.

They both sound like manipulative jerks/idiots. Avoid them both and find someone outside of work to date.