Money becoming an issue

I think I hurt my boyfriend and possibly made him feel less of a man. He is avoiding me. I don't know what is going on in his mind or what to do about the situation.

It was my birthday on Wednesday. He became distant for about a week leading up to it and, short of quick happy birthday call, he pretty much didn't talk to me all day or plan anything. I wasn't expecting a birthday extravaganza, but I thought we'd at least have dinner together.

I was very upset and confronted him about it. It came out that he couldn't face me because he didn't have the money to get me a gift or make any plans and it wasn't a good feeling for him. I said, you know none of that stuff matters to me, what matters is that you're there. His response: I want to be able to do those things for you and it saddens me that I wasn't able to because it's what you deserve. I said I was hurt and the whole situation made me unhappy. What I meant is that I didn't like that he ignored me instead of communicating what was in his head, but I think he took it as it still comes down to money and if he had the money we wouldn't be in this situation.

The thing is he and I come from two different worlds. He grew up very poor. I grew up very comfortable and, as the baby of the family, my parents and siblings treated and still treat me like a princess.

I knew he was a bit insecure about it, but money was never a glaring issue in our relationship and now I think it has become one. I can't imagine how this must feel for a man. I don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me or that I love him any less.

What do I do? I don't want him to feel like I'm being ungrateful that he wants to do more for me and that I'm focusing on my own hurt instead of trying to be more understanding of him. Should I just wait for him to come around?

If it matters, he is struggling financially because his business has been losing money. He is also sending his sister to college. So it's not like he's just bumming around or spending like crazy or anything like that.

Was I being insensitive telling him I was unhappy, knowing he was sad and struggling with the money issue? Or do you guys think my reaction my reaction was warranted?

This is such mess. I don't know what to do. Feel really bad that he feels bad.

No, I don't think that you expressing your emotions and being upset that he made nothing of your birthday was out of line. In fact, you can't bottle up reasonable feelings like this. Eventually the hurt and anger will come out anyway, and build up bitterness. His excuses are bull. How much would it have cost to make you dinner and bake you a cake? Probably ten dollars.

How old are you both? How long have you been dating? So you did nothing and he became distant for a week? Do you deserve that behavior? You're a person who is supposed to be cherished, not ignored. Either he doesn't know how to be a good partner or he isn't happy with the relationship and is hoping it fades away. If I were you, if you're the one who puts more effort in the relationship by setting up dates and communicating throughout the day, I'd let him put some effort in and see if he does. If he doesn't, maybe he wants to break up but is too cowardly to. If he does put effort in, and treats you well normally, then don't let the issue slide because he gets upset. Tell him that even if he has no money, that you expect to be made to feel as though you are special to him on your b-day and any other day. Give him examples of low cost or no cost things he could've done, like write you a letter about how much he appreciates you, and that he could've given you a half hour massage, etc. Tell him you don't deserve being ignored if there are problems, and that working together and communicating is a better path to build a beautiful relationship. Let us know how it goes.

It was not insensitive of you to bring it up, the way he handled your b-day was appalling and it would have been a mistake to keep quiet about it and give him the feeling that it was ok. I'm not one for huge b-day extravaganzas either, I always preferred something small and meaningful over expensive presents or dinners, and I don't buy even for a second that he didn't have a few dollars for a thoughtful card ( a few cents) and maybe taking you out for dessert or baking you something himself ($10-15?). He just used the 'being poor' excuse as a "get out of jail free" card, but the reality is that he doesn't care enough or is too lazy to actually put some thought and creative effort into showing you how much you mean to him on your special day. In my own experience, every time a guy did this to me it was because he was not as invested in "us" as I was. Sometimes, they do it when they are on their way out of a relationship, and see no reason to spend on their soon to be ex.

There are so many cheap or even free ways to show someone they are appreciated; if they can't even think of one, I take it as a sign that it's time to consider moving on.

Was I being insensitive telling him I was unhappy, knowing he was sad and struggling with the money issue?

Nope. You have every rigth to be upset that he blew you off for your birthday week.

Just make sure he knows that it's not about the money.

If he can't be convinced money doesn't matter to you, then you may have an incompatibility. If he's internalized that he isn't a man because he doesn't have money, that's pretty hard to change. Hopefully he'll come around.

You are not responsible for how he feels.

If he can't be convinced money doesn't matter to you, then you may have an incompatibility. If he's internalized that he isn't a man because he doesn't have money, that's pretty hard to change. Hopefully he'll come around.

 

You are not responsible for how he feels.

I've tried to work with this same difference in values and failed. When people objectify themselves, it's very difficult to overcome.

If I think about it, every relationship I've ever been with has been with women who come from much more money than me (I swear it's not by any sort of design!). But I won't lie... whenever a girlfriend would tell me her parents bought her first car for her, or she got graduation gifts, or she got help through college, or if she got things like checks from her grandparents for no particular occasion, I'd think to myself, "Yeah... that would be pretty nice." Really, though, I'd just be happy for her so long as her head is staying beneath the clouds.

I've hit some pretty scary financial times while I've been with women before and I'd never simply blow her off for her birthday. I'd figure out something low to no cost. The fact your guy acted this way really speaks numbers regarding both his own lack of pride and how superficially he thinks you may think. He's gotta shape up.

He sounds depressed.

Did he do nice things for you when his business wasn't failing and he didn't have to put his sister through college? I you didn't know him prior to that, then I'd call this a matter of incompatibility or like I said, he sounds depressed and just isn't sussed to do anything that would bring him or anyone else joy.

Does his sister have a part time job to help him, help her? If not then I would suspect that he is THAT guy that needs to be the one that shows his love through giving and when he can't, it screws with his head.

I would have a pretty hard time wanting to be with someone who blew me off for a week. Communication is key. I don't think it would have been the same issue if he was upfront with you about his financial issues.