An awkward argument.

Last night at work I was having a discussion with a co worker about relationships and single hood. Back in June I gave up on finding a relationship, I realized I'm one those select few who will never find a love that is reciprocated. Background: I'm in love with someone that I feel a very strong connection too but she doesn't want a relationship.

My coworker tells me there are millions of other women out there who are waiting to meet someone like me. My response was this in these exact words. "Why would I do that? Why would I try to start something with someone I wouldn't want in the the first place?" Her: "You should at least try!" Me: "Why keep trying if I can't have the one I want? Why live a lie and hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt? This way, I'm the only one who is hurting and I've been hurt so much it's like second nature to me". Her: "What is it that you want then?" Me: "I want her to be happy, even if that happiness has nothing to do with me. Yes, I'll be miserable, but she'll be happy. That's all that matters."

Does that make me stupid like she said?

Yes, yes it does.

Well, it doesn't make you stupid but it isn't really a rational explanation for not dating and it is a pretty sad way to live.

It doesn't make you stupid, however I think she was insinuating that you are putting alot of time and energy into someone who has told you they don't want you in the same way you want them. Your own happiness and wellbeing always comes first

No one should depend on another to be happy.

If you can't be happy yourself, how can you be happy for someone else?

Back I tried to date, I was met with constant rejection. Then figured, I'm 37 years old, my longest relationship was 6 months long and I've only had three. It's not something I'm good at. I'm not what someone would call attractive. You're right, it is a sad way to live, but those are the cards I've been dealt. Like I've said before, I just hope I'm luckier in the next life.

^^^

I agree with above poster,I would think that your energies are better spent with people who want to be with you

Do you see your unrequited love often? If you are this is fanning the flame of your obsession with her.

She has told you that she isn't interested, so you really need to understand that, and start to move on from her.

Honestly she cannot be the only one for you. You are building a wall around yourself & blocking others out. This is your choice to do this, and is going to lead to a very sad life.

Have you been to a counsellor? I think you need to talk about these feelings with someone to help you gain perspective on this.

Her happiness has nothing to do with you, and it's none of your business whether she's happy or not.

If you've already resigned yourself to commit to failure then all you're doing is looking for pity. Unfortunately no rational person will care if they see that you clearly don't.

I agree with recommendations to get counselling. At this point any honest effort to improve is a step forward from where you are, and working on yourself is neither quick nor easy. However, it shows that you're at least trying, which most people will respect you for regardless of the progress you've made, or your setbacks. Ideally, you'll learn to see your situation differently and will be able to respect yourself again, too.

For the time being though, I probably wouldn't encourage any relationships until you've pulled yourself together a bit.

Try to see it from the other perspective. Lets say you are the person who isn't interested in dating. With the logic you described above, your sheer existence & desire to just do your own thing with your own life is causing someone else to live in misery because they can't have you. That isn't really fair to place that burden on another person and it really makes no sense.

I do agree with what someone else mentioned above. If you are in a situation where you have to see her frequently it can make it a lot harder to live with & take a lot longer to get over.

I've dated several people in the past that I could picture it working out with. It didn't. It was disappointing (really disappointing in the beginning) but ultimately they are not responsible for my own happiness. You have to make your life your own. Not only is it not fair to place that on another person, it's putting way too much power in hands where it doesn't belong.

I know some people feel like something is missing when they aren't in a relationship, but that feeling of wholeness really does have to come from within. I would definitely recommend finding ways to feel satisfied with yourself and with your life, so you will be happy regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.

This is precisely what happens when you feel like you don't possess the capacity to meet the right person. You meet someone who's unavailable and you "fall for them" and toss all this BS on them. But why? Because on one level it confirms the preconception that you already have...that whole "i'll never find a good one" monologue that runs through your brain. Because on some level being in that pain is easier than the pain of trying and failing.

I think you're self-sabotaging. I don't think this girl is so perfect, I'm betting that the only reason you want her is because you can't have her.

I am content with my life right now. It's not like I'm constantly harassing her to be with me, in fact, I rarely even see or speak to her. I go about my daily life. I go to work, I have hobbies, and I'm active in a costuming organization. She and I did date for awhile, and I screwed it up. No, I didn't cheat, she didn't cheat, I just fell too fast and too hard for her. When I first met her she was engaged, so I just went about my life as normal. She gets divorced, her best friend is married to one my close friends and they both told me she was asking about me after she got a divorce. It was three years later and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about her over those three years.

Now, I'm sure there's someone out there who is more amazing, but I haven't met her yet and I refuse to settle. I've seen what happens when someone just settled for the sake of not being alone and it didn't end well.

I am content with my life right now. It's not like I'm constantly harassing her to be with me, in fact, I rarely even see or speak to her. I go about my daily life. I go to work, I have hobbies, and I'm active in a costuming organization. She and I did date for awhile, and I screwed it up. No, I didn't cheat, she didn't cheat, I just fell too fast and too hard for her. When I first met her she was engaged, so I just went about my life as normal. She gets divorced, her best friend is married to one my close friends and they both told me she was asking about me after she got a divorce. It was three years later and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about her over those three years.

 

Now, I'm sure there's someone out there who is more amazing, but I haven't met her yet and I refuse to settle. I've seen what happens when someone just settled for the sake of not being alone and it didn't end well.

Good on you, mate. I can relate, and I think you're going about it the right way by just carrying on.

The negativity is highly toxic though, and spouting it to people who try to convince you otherwise just keeps that self-pity alive. If you can't be positive, and least be neutral?

A for being unattractive I call BS. A person has to be visibly deformed or extremely negative/toxic to be unattractive *IF* they exercise regularly, get input on a flattering hairstyle and clothing and properly maintain said look. Look at before & after pics on sites like Bodybuilding.com ... ignore the chiseled extremists and see how many utterly dumpy looking men and women transform into very attractive by just toning up and dressing/looking like they give a ####. And smiling ... positivity counts far more than looks once someone knows you for more than a few minutes.

I can tell from personal experience that it can be really annoying if the only thing people can say is: “You should go out and be dating”. As if life is not worth living while being single. And there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship.

But you are in love with someone, who does not want a relationship, that’s unrequited love. You cannot make someone have a relationship with you. So you need to respect her and let it go. Negativity does not get you anywhere, it’s really not attractive (in general, not just when it comes to dating).

I am content with my life right now.

Now, I'm sure there's someone out there who is more amazing, but I haven't met her yet and I refuse to settle. I've seen what happens when someone just settled for the sake of not being alone and it didn't end well.

That’s good, go on with your life, your work, your hobbies. There is no reason to settle!

Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. So why discuss it if you're not open to considering other ideas about it?

Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. So why discuss it if you're not open to considering other ideas about it?

Well sometimes you get caught up in discussions, not sure if the OP initiated the discussion.

The other day I was having a discussion with a lady who I met through work, she is a few years older than I am. We see each other during meetings and during one of the lunch breaks we talked about our personal lives. I can’t even remember who started actually. She knows that I am single and own a house. We were discussing relationships in general and I said that I am happy with my life the way it is at the moment, but that I can imagine being in a relationship again in the future. Then she said: “Well, then he should not own a place to live himself”. I said that I don’t necessarily want to live together with someone, so if he would have a place of his own, that would be perfectly fine. Ah no, not living together is not a relationship she said. This is what is so annoying, people who think they know what the other should do. There are more options of having a serious and committed relationship than being married and living together.

I think you're taking the easy way out and I think you do want a relationship. Obviously you should not settle. I agree you're getting in your own way by claiming that you'd be settling unless you found someone "more amazing" than the person who doesn't want to be with you. That's not the way to compare- you've never been in a relationship with that person other than brief dating and you don't know if she'd be amazing in a long term relationship. I'd never want to be with someone who compared me to a fantasy /image of someone.

I would avoid conversations like the one you mentioned -with people self-absorbed with getting across their own agendas- because they are largely counter-productive.

I have a friend who chased a guy for 3-4 years -he flirted with her at times -they saw each other through a weekly activity -and 4 years later he told her that for most of that time he'd been secretly dating a mutual friend. He never asked her out on a date. This happened in her late 30s/early 40s. Now she is 48, has a number of adorable cats, many friends and a job she loves. She also gained a lot of weight (she had a lovely figure in the past). On Facebook she claims to love her life/love being single. That could be but I doubt it based on all I knew of her (sure,she might have gone through an entire transformation in the last few years). Please don't waste your time like she did - yes, even though she boasts about how happy she is - she still spent almost 4 years chasing this person -what a waste and what a shame.

I did not start the conversation at work. I rarely work with the person that brought it up. She just asked how my dating life was the conversation got a little out of hand.

This is normal for me, I always fall for people I can't have. They're either busy with a career, raising children, refuse to date outside their religion. I often wonder what the next reason will be.

"Why would I do that? Why would I try to start something with someone I wouldn't want in the the first place?" Her: "You should at least try!" Me: "Why keep trying if I can't have the one I want? Why live a lie and hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt? This way, I'm the only one who is hurting and I've been hurt so much it's like second nature to me". Her: "What is it that you want then?" Me: "I want her to be happy, even if that happiness has nothing to do with me. Yes, I'll be miserable, but she'll be happy. That's all that matters."

How do you know you wouldn't want someone? Yeah, you probably shouldn't start anything when you have this other woman on the pedestal of babel. But in a previous time in your life you were not obsessed with her and may have been interested in others. You've let this obsession fester for so long, but it doesn't have to stay that way.

You can get over her to the point you don't want her so bad. You have to want to, rather than be resigned to it. You have to work towards that goal. Cutting contact, removing reminders of her, practicing thought stopping, finding things that are bad about her and focusing on those, whatever. The only reason you are staying in this prison is because on some level you think you deserve to. You built the walls keeping you locked up yourself. You've been hurt so much that you think you deserve to be hurt. That's dumb. What did you do to deserve that? Come on man.

You want her to be happy even if it has nothing to do with you? Guess what. You can have your wish. All you have to do to accomplish it... is nothing. Live your own life, find your own happiness, open yourself up to whatever else may be in store for you. And she can sort out her own damn self. And that fulfills your wish. Because you have nothing to do with her happiness. That's her own responsibility, as yours is your own.

I bet that if she knew how obsessed you were with her, one thing that would make her REALLY happy is if you stopped chasing what you can never have, and find a way to want what you can. I think that what you said about falling fast is telling. I think that because of your previous experience, that anytime a woman bats an eye at you you very quickly go all in, because you are so starving for that affection that seems so elusive for you. But going all in so soon makes you very likely to go after someone who isn't right - because most matches are not going to be right anyway - which closes the door to others who you may have worked out with. Then, because you rev up so quickly, you come across as desperate (because you kind of are!) which turns off your current suitor. It's a repeating pattern. Stop chasing this woman, find a way to be more confident, and meet more women without jumping in so quickly, and you could have a real relationship. You really could.

But so much of your perspective is founded on passing fears that you no doubt have repeating in your head endlessly on a radio station that never shuts off. That's where talking to some sort of professional may be helpful. To tune out those negative signals that aren't actually based on reality, so you can start to see what is actually possible for you.

Unrequited love is the biggest waste. I wish I could go back in time to give myself this lecture. I had no girlfriend in high school because of the one that I was chasing - and I didn't notice the other girls at the time but looking back in my memory I realize there were several who I had a decent shot with. One who practically tried to kiss me, but I was clueless. And pining. So stupid. In college I went after the girl who had a boyfriend. I was really close to her and her friend. Her (very single) friend drove me to school every day and kept loaning me anime to watch. Again, clueless! More recently I would sob and whine about my ex on this other woman's shoulder. Ok, this time not so clueless At least I could tell that there was a chance there. I actually didn't want her because we wouldn't work long term. So I'm starting to learn. There are so many amazing women out there that pining after one who doesn't want you really is one of the dumbest things you can do. Sometimes it doesn't matter that it's dumb, you gotta do it anyway for as long as you gotta do it. But at least make an effort to climb that mountain and put a stop to it. At least make an effort. It's not worth it.

First of all, cutting off contact is hard. Her best friend is married to one my very close friends. Second, I don't harass her to be with me at all. I hardly even speak to her. I try to let her go but for some reason I can't. I've fallen for people I can't have before and it easy for me to get over them but with her, I can't. I don't know why. All I know is that when I first met her, it was the strongest attraction I've had to anyone. It wasn't just physical either. She has a kickass personality and a love for playing pranks(she got me a couple times during the two months we dated). If your wondering, she's not married, her first husband died, her second one kicked her out of the house when she was 6 months pregnant. So I can see why she doesn't want a relationship, I respect that. But it doesn't mean I can just get over at the snap of a finger. As I said earlier in this thread, I'm sure there is someone out there for me. I have yet to meet her.

People are right, unrequited love sucks. I've had it happen all to often. There was even someone I thought would be the end of my love for the other girl. I misread her. When I finally got over her, my thoughts went right back to the other girl. I've had a rough time dating since I was in high school. I was actually sent away by a girls father when I went to pick her up for homecoming because I wasn't Mormon. Another girl decided she didn't like me anymore and had me jumped at a park while she was breaking up with me. My luck with dating sucks. I'm not even given chances anymore. I just had two friends that don't know eachother try to set me up with the same girl because we have a lot of shared interests yet she wasn't interested. I got the "I'm sure you're a great guy but..." speech. I get that a lot. And I know it's because of the over 35 and single stigma that seems to be big in my state. Sorry for the rant. Having a rough night at work.

"for some reason I can't"

It's because you're choosing to react to your feelings in a certain way - you can't help your feelings but you can control your reactions and behavior. It depends what you want more -to stay in your comfort zone with the convenient excuse of unrequited love or get out of your comfort zone to be out there fully, meeting people (fully meaning without the pining away for her part). As far as "your state" can you relocate? I moved to an area teeming with singles when I was 28 even though it was high rent and only 10 miles from where I grew up, because I knew the close proximity was a big deal . When I was over 35 and single the stigma was far far less and several of my friends got married in their late 30s or later as I did.