Help, is there still hope? What should I do?

I had been talking to this guy for almost a year, he was basically my boyfriend without the title. He had told me he wasn't ready for a relationship because he wanted to make sure we were right for each other. He felt like he had wasted so much time in his last relationship (lasted 4 yrs) that he just wanted to be sure. We had an understanding that we would still not talk to other people. At first things were perfect and I knew he really liked me. He'd go out of his way for me and just made me feel special. It wasn't long before I started to fall for him. We had even started planning for our future together (he's 20 and I'm 19). He was funny, smart, and charming. He told me he wanted me to help him get his life together so I helped get back into school and get a job. Sometimes we were rocky but we always got through it. I met his family and everything. He started acting distant when I left for college (it is only an hr away) and claimed it was because he was so busy with school and work. School had just officially started to for him so I knew he was busy. When we did talk it didn't feel the same, I always found myself telling him I missed him first, etc. It was weird to me because we have always talked everyday without a problem up until then. I explained that I didn't expect us to talk 24/7, I just wanted us to check up throughout the day like we always have. He told me he would get better which he had started to slowly do. A few days later one of my friends told me a girl from his school told her that he had been talking to and hanging out with a lot of females. She said she asked him if he was talking to anyone and he said no, that he wasn't talking to anyone but he had a girl who it was complicated with but she was "just there". I was crushed and embarassed when I heard this so I called him and he denied it all, telling me that I needed to stop believing other people and saying I never give him the benefit of the doubt. This wasn't the first time I had heard things so I didn't know what to do. I really love him and didn't want to let go. He asked what I wanted to do and told me he still liked me just as much as he always has but that he just gotten too comfortable. I told him I needed to think so I waited a day to contact him. When I called him I told him that I just wanted to be able to trust him and that I was tired of this and he said if I was tired of it then I could leave him. That hurt my feelings because that was the last thing I wanted to do but after that I felt like I had no other options. Since then I have felt regretful made a few efforts to reach out to him and he said he felt like there was no point of saying anything to me since I ended it with him. He said I gave up on him so he decided to give up on me and that I let other people's opinions influence our relationship too much. I tried proving that I haven't given up and that I want to fix things but he said it was too late and that he was sorry. I know I can't force him to do anything so I decided to back off. I ran into him a week after our talk and we were both drunk and he kissed me and kept asking if I missed him. I couldn't help but kiss him back, being with him felt unreal. I have not heard from him since and its killing me. He told one of our mutual friends that he really does like me but that he just doesn't want a relationship right now and that I "didn't listen" when he tried to tell me that. I never pressured him for a relationship, I was fine with what we had. Its been a month since I ended things and I can't let go. I have tried but I keep telling myself there is still hope, he just needs to mature first. What should I do? Is there really a chance he'll come back when he's ready?

Life lesson #12: when a guy tells you he isn't ready to be in a relationship, believe him. Because if you push through, with acting like a couple but not "official" this is the mess you wind up in.

A drunken kiss isn't a relationship. Not official isn't a relationship.

Exclusive monogamy is a relationship.

Don't settle for less.

he was basically my boyfriend without the title

.[ATTACH=CONFIG]10755[/ATTACH]

I know he's not ready which is why I know I have to back off and give him time to really think about everything. I can't help but be hopeful though. I am really trying to let go but something keeps pulling me back

He is a player. Nothing less, nothing more.

You made it easy for him. All of the benefits of the relationship without ANY responsibility or consequences.

This is on YOU too. Cause man will only do what a woman allows him to. So re evaluate yourself!

I know he's not ready which is why I know I have to back off and give him time to really think about everything. I can't help but be hopeful though. I am really trying to let go but something keeps pulling me back

 

He doesn't need to think about anything...he gets to pull the "I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship" which is why he is free to mix it up with the girls at his school.

Yes I know it is partially my fault because I was way too nice but I also know he was not trying to play me. His friends all even said they have never seen him so serious about a girl which is why I'm so confused.

We had even started planning for our future together

I explained that I didn't expect us to talk 24/7, I just wanted us to check up throughout the day like we always have.

I can see where you are confused because two people who are not in a committed relationship don't plan their futures together and stay in touch throughout the day.

The lesson here is you need to pay closer attention to someone's actions to ensure they are consistent to what you believe is actually going on. . not what you hope will happen.

I get that you liked this guy and wanted more. It doesn't appear he was on the same page as you and he stated so going into it.

I had been talking to this guy for almost a year, he was basically my boyfriend without the title. He had told me he wasn't ready for a relationship because he wanted to make sure we were right for each other.

This translates to, "I'll sleep with her until my luck runs out, or until I get bored and have someone else lined up." Either way, never assume anything unless it comes straight out of the horses mouth.

No technically he was not..

I know we were not on the same page right now but I can't help but wonder if he'll return when he's ready. I have never felt this way about anyone before.

Yes I know it is partially my fault because I was way too nice but I also know he was not trying to play me. His friends all even said they have never seen him so serious about a girl which is why I'm so confused.

And you keep telling yourself "I know he was not trying to play me", yet he did.

I suggest you recognize and accept REALITY, cause you seem dis attached from it.

And to take "his friends" seriously is quite naive from you, sorry. Players hang with players, they ALL play the game together.

I know we were not on the same page right now but I can't help but wonder if he'll return when he's ready. I have never felt this way about anyone before.

wow

So you are going to be on stand by for this guy. You are that girl ehh?

Pretty sad and pathetic.

Look, if it walks and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And here you are telling us and yourself it's a rabbit.

I know we were not on the same page right now but I can't help but wonder if he'll return when he's ready. I have never felt this way about anyone before.

I'm afraid if he never really developed feelings for you in the time you were together it's very unlikely he will do so in your absence.

And you keep telling yourself "I know he was not trying to play me", yet he did.

 

I suggest you recognize and accept REALITY, cause you seem dis attached from it.

 

And to take "his friends" seriously is quite naive from you, sorry. Players hang with players, they ALL play the game together.

 

 

 

wow

 

So you are going to be on stand by for this guy. You are that girl ehh?

 

Pretty sad and pathetic.

 

Look, if it walks and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And here you are telling us and yourself it's a rabbit.

Be nice. She's young.

You were young once too, DoF

I think maybe people have been a little harsh to you. Often you dont want to see whats in front of your or dont want to believe that someone you think is genuine could actually hurt you and thats not your fault.

Maybe you should ask him where you stand? I know you dont want to push him away but you also need to think of yourself. There will be plenty of guys out there who do want a relationship or who wont confuse you.

I know you may have strong feelings for him but if he is flirting with other girls then you need to show him you wont put up with that.

1. It was one of our mutual friends who is also like my big brother so yes I took his word.

2. I realize that I cannot sit and wait around for him so now that it is not the plan. I simply said I can't help but wonder

3. I am obviously a girl who is heartbroken and confused and seeking advice, I don't need rude comments

the thing is when you have put yourself in the "waiting and betting on his speedy maturity" mode, you have consigned yourself to a very unbalanced position. therefore even if there was to be a reunion of sorts, it'd be one based on unfortunate dynamics.

let this one go OP. there is more to be gained from a shot at your solo happiness then from placing yourself at the (unlikely) mercy of his youthful, commitment phobic phase- a phase that doesn't have it's expiraton date imprinted and may last until the cows come home, or may even be his true, permanent personality.

it is generally unwise to let your feelings and hopes depend on anyone too much, let alone someone who has renounced any responsibility for them very clearly so as to maintain their own freedom.

chin up, spirits high. you're one experience closer to finding your happy place in life.

I know he is not the best guy, yes he did hurt me and I can acknowledge that. I guess it just hurts to know that he still has feelings for me but is just being very stubborn. He is very prideful which is why I am scared to ask where we stand. I am trying to take this time to focus on me but its hard. You are right, I do need him to know I won't tolerate that.

Yes I know it is partially my fault because I was way too nice but I also know he was not trying to play me. His friends all even said they have never seen him so serious about a girl which is why I'm so confused.

It doesn't matter what his friends say. It matters what he says and he said he didn't want a relationship, but you decided that a faux relationship would be ok. And now you've learned. He gets a free pass....because he said it wasn't a relationship.

I understand that I cannot wait for him, I am trying not to. If an opportunity came for me to move on I definitely would but I just have this gut feeling that we're not actually over. I am trying to stop that mentality but its like whenever I am ready to accept that it is over something happens to make me believe it is not.

He did have real feelings for me. No 20 yr old guy is going to introduce just anybody to his family and plan a future with a girl if he did not have real feelings.

If you are defending him, then what is your question?

He did have real feelings for me. No 20 yr old guy is going to introduce just anybody to his family and plan a future with a girl if he did not have real feelings.

Of course he had feelings. He just never made a commitment...and he's in college. He never made you his gf for a reason.

Ok yes he said he did not want a relationship right now and all I'm saying is I wonder if he'll come back when he's ready

I understand what you mean and only you can judge this situation. Obviously nobody knows the true situation, only what you have said on here. If you feel that there is still some hope then you need to go with your own instinct.

All you can do is prepare yourself for the worst and build up your life incase it doesnt work out.

Maybe he does just need some time but he shouldnt be disrespecting you by speaking to other girls or whatever. Perhaps he will be annoyed or you will push him away but you shouldnt feel worried to confront him about things like that, thats not normal. If he respects you then you should be able to explain you feel hurt and to have him understand.

Remember you are in charge of your own happiness and can choose whether to stay in situations or remove yourself from them.

I hope it works out for you.