nohopeforme Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I am not defending him, I am defending myself because you all are trying to make it seem as though I'm some idiot who talked to a guy for 8 months and had some fantasy relationship. I am not saying we were perfect or that he is perfect. I just know for a fact everything was not one sided which is why I am CONFUSED by his behavior. Link to comment
nohopeforme Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I understand and I will try not to get my hopes up. Thank you for not being so hard on me and actually giving me a thoughtful answer. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I know he is not the best guy, yes he did hurt me and I can acknowledge that. I guess it just hurts to know that he still has feelings for me but is just being very stubborn. He is very prideful which is why I am scared to ask where we stand. I am trying to take this time to focus on me but its hard. You are right, I do need him to know I won't tolerate that. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but it's important, in fact critical for you to understand that he really is not being stubborn or prideful. He was brutally honest with you from the get go that you are not the one for him. When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, aka not ready for a relationship, too busy to date, got to get his career in place, etc., what he is telling you is that he is not that into you, but will be happy if you string yourself along until he finds something better to do. So you strung yourself along and what I'm saying is, time to get yourself off that hook. It's not good for you. Take this as life lesson learned - someone who is into you will never tell you he is not ready. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Ok yes he said he did not want a relationship right now and all I'm saying is I wonder if he'll come back when he's ready You are an hour away. When he is ready...he will find someone. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I am not defending him, I am defending myself because you all are trying to make it seem as though I'm some idiot who talked to a guy for 8 months and had some fantasy relationship. I am not saying we were perfect or that he is perfect. I just know for a fact everything was not one sided which is why I am CONFUSED by his behavior. Help, is there still hope? What should I do? But when you begin a thread such as this asking these questions and go on to tell us your story, we are giving you the advise we think you are asking for. Granted some could be a little more diplomatic. But when we tell you to move on (based on your info) and you return to reinforce your reasons for hanging on, then this just spins in circles. This one is out of your hands. The best thing to do is take care of yourself. The rest will work it the way it's supposed to. Link to comment
nohopeforme Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 But he also had told his best friend he eventually did want a relationship with me. He said he could see himself actually falling in love with me and everything. It is hard to explain all the logistics of our relationship on here. I just don't see how a guy could not be "into" a girl but yet plan a future with her and spend almost everyday with her But maybe you are right, he could have lost feelings along the way or something. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He eventually wants a relationship? After he sows his wild oats? Seriously, what is the attraction to someon who puts you on the sidelines. I am sure there are guys at school on your campus that would love to date you. Link to comment
nohopeforme Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I understand, I guess its just hard to really explain the logistics of our relationship on here. It all sounds so badly but it really wasn't like that which is why I was so caught off guard. But yes it is out of my hands. I am trying to just give it time to heal myself and to learn to be ok with or without him Link to comment
nohopeforme Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I never felt like he put me on the sidelines which is why I am having such trouble coming to terms with this. He always put me on a pedistal, went out of his way to make sure I was ok, etc. He literally had us make a list of goals he wanted us to meet together so I just don't get why the sudden change especually if he's telling people he still has feelings for me. This was my second yr in college and last semester things were never like this. I understand everything you guys have said, its just really hard for me to let go. I am not really interested in guys at my school and none really try talking to me. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 OP, Most of the people on this thread have probably been through your situation and learned the hard way, just like you are doing, that actions speak louder than words in relationships EXCEPT when it comes to verbal abuse or "I don't want a relationship right now because ." Hell, some of us (myself included) have probably been on both sides of this equation. When a person you are really into says "I don't want a relationship right now", what is your logical next question? Of course it's going to be "When do you think you might be ready?" or some variation thereof. At that point, they are kind of on the spot, they really like you too but aren't sure what they want, and they don't want to lose you even if they aren't sure they want to commit, so they definitely aren't going to say, "Probably not til I get done with college," or "I'm not sure I'll ever be ready", they say something nicer and more ambiguous, like, "I'm not sure. I know I want a relationship, I'm just not sure when." So you've got hope, and they are technically being honest so they can live with themselves. Just because a person says they aren't ready for a relationship, doesn't mean they can't care deeply about you. So you probably weren't imagining that; he likely does care for you, very much. But more is needed for a relationship than feelings. Intentions are also needed. If one or both parties isn't truly on board with the idea of a committed relationship, it's dead in the water. I understand it's hard to let go. And I know letting go of hope is probably the last thing you will come to, in this process of grieving. But this is one of those situations you have to make black and white for yourself, for your own sanity. Black and white is: If he doesn't want a proper relationship with me, I am going to move on. And then do it - no contact, no social media, no texting, no talking. Cut it off. The sooner you do that, the sooner you will begin to feel better. And if he does change his mind, he knows where to find you. You can do this, you can get through this. You are stronger than you know. > Link to comment
nohopeforme Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Thank you so much, that honestly just made me feel better. I had been thinking this too, that he didn't want to tell me it was because he wasn't ready for the committment because he didn't want to lose me. I will really try to move on and let go before I drive myself crazy. I guess only time will tell Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 1) You are not an idiot. 2) You are heartbroken, and you were misled. It is very important to note that he told you he didn't want a relationship and you were never, for lack of a better term, "guaranteed" a relationship from him. Therefore, all the future talk you guys had...never held any water. You know what I mean? They weren't *actual* plans because you (as a couple) were lacking the very basic foundation of a first step which is, becoming a couple. It's like me saying, "Oh I want a mansion in Beverly Hills," but I don't have a job with which I could make money, in order to afford basic housing, let alone a mansion. Okay, yes you acted like a couple and yes he invited you to see his family. But all this was after his disclaimer that he didn't want a relationship. I believe it was wrong of him to gloss over the actual commitment to you but say and do things that would make you believe you were together. I never pressured him for a relationship, I was fine with what we had. Its been a month since I ended things and I can't let go. I have tried but I keep telling myself there is still hope, he just needs to mature first. What should I do? Is there really a chance he'll come back when he's ready? It's true that you never pressured him for a relationship, but there was pressure in other ways. When you heard in a roundabout way of what he said about you (which was just wrong and I would have been completely crushed too), that created pressure because you approached him about it, he denied it etc...and imo that discussion mirrored that of people in a relationship together. So he got some of the downside of being in a relationship (misunderstandings, arguments etc) without being in one. That pushed him back because he wanted the opposite - having fun and being close without a label. Also, you told him you wanted him to be in touch with you like he used to. These are relationship-like demands. Plus, you say you were fine with what you guys had, but I'm not sure if that's true... since you wanted him to talk to you on a consistent basis, like he used to. In addition, when he told a friend that he'd said he didn't want a relationship and that you just 'didn't listen'... in the very next sentence you say you keep telling yourself there is still hope. After hearing what he said and even after hearing that you didn't listen. Do you see what I'm pointing out here? You are still not listening. Anytime someone tells you they don't want a relationship - that is one statement you need to take at face value. He should not have done those other things with you, but since he cares about him and not about you, he played with your feelings. I am telilng you this not to be mean or to have some sick enjoyment of kicking someone when they're down...I have been through the wringer with guys and relationships. Doesn't make me an expert, but it does help me see some things that you might not, because I have the ability to be objective since I don't know you. I am really sorry you are hurting. Please take some time to heal, some time for yourself. Link to comment
nohopeforme Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 I was wondering if that too, if I scared him away by getting so upset over what I heard but he confused me by saying he'd also be hurt if he heard that I was doing these things. In the past he has confronted me about things of this nature. He got really mad at me before because he was having trouble trusting me. Was this just him wanting to be able to control me? Or him thinking it was ok for me to fully commit to him but not vice versa? I only expected him things from him that he has previously expected from me I guess I am more so wondering if there is a chance he'll come around when he is ready but I guess only time will tell. I have been trying to heal so I can be ok with or without him but this is my love so it has been really hard. I was doing a lot better until I saw him and he kissed me, it just confused my feelings even more. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 If I were just a friend of yours and not a stranger on the internet I'd say...maybe you need to quit him cold turkey. He's not exactly acting deserving of you. I know there's more to it than what you have written here, but I see how he's hurting you (and confusing you), and you don't deserve that. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Stop using your heart to think. Use your brain, it's the only part of your body that should be doing ANY thinking. your heart will only steer you in wrong direction (as it is right now) Link to comment
hyden Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Stop using your heart to think. Use your brain, it's the only part of your body that should be doing ANY thinking. your heart will only steer you in wrong direction (as it is right now) Havent you helped enough? I'm sure theres another new thread waiting for your personal attacks or repetative 'men and women cant be friends' copypasta. Link to comment
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