Gave ex-boyfriend an ultimatum...

Hi,

Two months ago I (27) broke up with my long distance boyfriend (32) of 10 months. We had some issues but the breakup boils down to the fact that he was quite closed off emotionally (due to past trauma, being cheated on by ex-girlfriend, trust issues) which for me created uncertainty and stress. And the distance didn't exactly help us kick start the relationship either. He does care about me and he showed it in cute ways such as buying a stool for me so I can reach the highest cabinets at his kitchen, being very cuddly at night time, introducing me to friends and family, buying a leather suit so I can join him on his motorcycle rides, making time for me even though he is a workaholic and always has a million things happening in his free time (which I think is a sign of his emotional unavailability), being very supportive when I was sad, hinting at moving together when I am done with my studies and can move to where he is and so on. But the emotional distance was still there and it made me question his feelings for me.

So after 10 months of uncertainty, which I also contributed to by pulling back (because I questioned his feelings for me), I finally broke up with him. He reacted badly, we fought and he cried and broke stuff. Since the breakup we have had contact via message and during this time (two months) he surprised me by showing me his feelings for me. He told me he didn't stop thinking of me, that he missed me a lot, that he was devastated by the breakup, that he felt terrible for ruining things etc etc etc. Which of course made me question my decision to break up because he was finally giving me the (verbal) affection I needed.

On Saturday we met for the first time since the breakup and it was amazing. He ordered Indian food, we watched a movie and yes slept together. It was perfect and he told me a million times how amazing it all felt, how perfect it was, how much he had missed me. He was also very physically affectionate too, hugging me and kissing me all the time. The atmosphere was so good that we agreed to not talk about sensitive topics like the breakup etc which I appreciated. We decided to talk about us on Sunday instead and we ended up talking 2 1/2 hours on the phone. He was very sweet and affectionate during our talk and everything was great. Until he tells me that after I left him he felt a huge urge to take a break and leave town. And that his ex and good platonic friend (according to him) had invited him to go visit her abroad where she is living. And that he had accepted the invitation and booked the trip. The trip is in two weeks and it's supposed to last 1 1/2 weeks. I know he is friends with some of his exes and I know we were broken up with no hints of getting back together when he booked the trip so I can't really blame him for doing it.

After our time on Saturday I was considering getting back together with him and that's what he wants as well but now that I know about the trip I can't imagine sitting at home while my boyfriend is on holidays with his ex, no matter how platonic he says the relationship is. He understood this by my reaction and broke down crying on the phone, saying he really regrets booking the trip, that he only did it because there was absolutely no hints that I wanted to get together again, that he had been heartbroken and in need of an environment change, that he would have never booked the trip if he thought there was a chance we would get back together. He said that he considered cancelling the trip after what happened on Saturday but the trip is non-refundable and he doesn't know how to handle this. He was crying a lot the whole time so I know he was being genuine. As I said, he is typically emotionally unavailable so these displays of emotion mean a lot.

I really don't know how to deal with this situation and never in my life contemplated the idea of being the kind of girl whose boyfriend goes on holiday with his ex so in the end I kinda gave him an ultimatum by telling him I wouldn't be able to handle things if he went on the trip. Which of course means it's either the trip or me. I reckon the trip cost him around 1000-2000 USD (which he can afford to lose, but still) and I feel bad giving him an ultimatum. I never thought I would be the kind of give my bf an ultimatum. Anyway. After talking for 2 1/2 h we agreed to take a break and talk another time. So I guess now it's up to him. But as I said I have no idea how to deal with this situation. Is it unreasonable to give him an ultimatum given that I was the one breaking up with him and that there were no hints of getting back together when he booked the trip? And that the relationship with the ex is platonic? Is there a better way to deal with this? Help.

Tough situation, but I think the best option is to tell him to go on the trip and then you two will figure things out when he gets back. If he doesn't go because of the ultimatum, you'll be potentially trying to restart the relationship with some resentment on his part, which is bound to recreate the distance that was a problem before.

If you really believe he loves you and is sincere, I think trusting him to go on the trip is a good move. It's not like it sets any sort of precedent as the circumstances are unique and unusual.

right, what is a guy who wants to work on your relationship doing hooking up with exs, with the excuse it's already paid for? had he paid a hooker in advance would you be okay with him going for it so the money doesn't go to waste?

he is responsible for his decisions and handling their consequences, that extends to his financial investments. when you invest your money poorly, the loss is a consequence you get to accept, learn from, and move on. unless you actually do want what you paid for and don't really consider it an overall worthless investment. Funny how he didn't even try to gain some trust by suggesting he visits the town, but not the ex.

sweet talk and crocodile tears are not how one fixes a relationship. hooking up with an ex he planned a rebound with is not how one fixes a relationship. also not addressing one's trauma and trust issues (no, you don't fix those in a matter of weeks and clearly he has been busy with emotional escapism in those weeks).

so what is he doing to build a relationship?

he's not mentally challenged, he knows he's not building a functional relationship with you, and he doesn't plan to.

also, long distance. personally, i wouldn't bother.

btw. he certainly said a lot of saccharine things on Sunday- but did he actually say it meant you were back together? maybe the mention of that escaped me.

I think it's pretty manipulative to control the guy's actions by dangling the reconciliation carrot above his head after you dumped him.

If you didn't want him acting single, then you shouldn't have made him single.

@rainycoast I don't blame him for booking this trip when he believed I would not take him back. During the last two months I maintained my stand on the breakup and it was only very recently that I gave him an opening. I would have done the same if I were him. And according to him it's not a hookup. I questioned him on this many times and he says they are just friends. But yeah... I do see your point.

As for your question, he wants to get back together.

Ultimatums are HORRIBLE ideas unless you are 100% prepared to walk, and really just a bad idea in general. I am strictly-platonic friends with ALL of my major exes (5-year relationship, 12-year relationship and 8-year marriage), and the majority of the minor ones, who I meet for drinks or dinner when I'm back in the U.S. I vacationed with my 12-year ex many, many times after we broke up (and he even came to my wedding) as well as my ex-husband (even when I was dating my last boyfriend), all platonically. This guy booked this when you were broken up. I wouldn't want to throw away a paid-for vacation, either and wouldn't have patience for an ex who didn't trust me or wouldn't "allow" me to do something that I had planned when we weren't even a couple.

That said, that said, I agree with Rainy Coast - long-distance? What's the point? Your ex has trauma issues? Those haven't gone away in two months. These are bigger issues than a pre-planned vacation.

if he's not single now...he shouldn't be hooking up with exs.

i do wonder whether he ever said you were back together. sounds like you guys just shared some sentimental diction and sex.

if this was supposed to have been an introduction into the process of reconcilliation then i'd say vacationing with an ex makes for a lame new start.

edit: it seems some people are genuinely friends with exs, which sounds admirable. but to book a vaca with an ex just after a break-up sounds like rebounding, and the fact he says he wouldn't have booked it had he planned reconciliation with OP is indicative that it was not to be a simply friendly time with the ex. one would hardly have to refrain from friendships when in a relationship, so what is he sugesting the trip was to be about? floods of crocodile tears, emotional bull backed up with zero work, unadressed trauma...nothing says functional/responsible partner to me here, just saying.

i do wonder whether he ever said you were back together. sounds like you guys just shared some sentimental diction and sex.

We are not back together. The plan was to discuss everything that happened and start the reconciliation process - at least that's what he wanted and what I considered budging into after Saturday and two months of him showing me his feelings. But the trip is certainly an obstacle to that.

"the fact he says he wouldn't have booked it had he planned reconciliation with OP is indicative that it was not to be a simply friendly time with the ex. one would hardly have to refrain from friendships when in a relationship, so what is he sugesting the trip was to be about?"

I inquired him about this. He says he wouldn't have booked it when in a relationship out of respect for the girlfriend because he knows HE would have a hard time accepting the situation if it were reversed - if the girlfriend went on vacay with the ex.

i'll chip in a few more, just to think about.

1. you knew he was friends with exs. i am suspecting that you were never fully comfortable with that but decided to hold your peace so to speak because, seeing as you were hoping he would become more emotionally open with you, you feared stating your boundary would have deterred him.

This is where i also see the manipulative aspect that someone else mentioned play in. i am not suggesting that you are a manipulative or bad person at all. i am saying you may subcounsciously have been trying to behave in ways that would "lure" him into bonding with you emotionally-by not wording some of your expectations. because appearantly you felt the emotional bonding is not something he would do out of his own volition. and given his unaddressed psychological issues, i think your feeling was not off, he likely isn't very fit for true intimacy.

2. the planned trip added to your concerns regarding his friendship with the ex and his level of investment with you. true, he is technically a free man and he was free to plan what he wanted while single. true, you can either trust him it's as platonic as he is presenting it and continue to hold your peace, or you can now state you're not comfortable with his relationship with his ex and state that it's a deal breaker for you.

cliche as it sounds it boils down to a trust issue. you either can or cannot trust that this friendship is platonic. i still think he may be stretching the truth about it.

i don't advocate for controlling behavior, ultimatums, exaggerated anxiety about the partner's intentions, out of distrust...

but i can see the factors that play in in your lack of trust. i would also be sceptical about a person who doesn't work on psychological issues that hinder healthy relationships, who forges some cuddly sentimental and sexual connection without backing it up and prior to actually getting together (that just happens to reek of a security blanket) and is also long distance.

might as well go full blast and be that person who says: it's not supposed to be this complicated.

Did you ever see the episode of Friends where Rachel is dating Bruce Willis? She begs him to "open up" and he starts crying all the time and she ends up dumping him because she can't deal with it.

Re-read your above paragraph. What's the guy supposed to do, come to you and pour out all his emotions? You can't expect a man to be emotional in the same way you are, and frankly if he was I can almost guarantee you'd completely lose attraction for him.

I think maybe you should talk to a therapist about yourself. I don't think you're really in a position to diagnose him with "emotional unavailability" when he's been committed to you and actively doing things to make you feel included. It sure makes it sound like it's about your feelings and not about his lack of feelings.

actually, yes, it would be interesting to know what "we had some issues" and "he's not emotionally open" means. not that i don't believe it, the untreated "baggage" would be enough for me to believe he has a problem connecting, i'm just curious as to what it was. it might throw a light on things.

He was crying a lot the whole time so I know he was being genuine. As I said, he is typically emotionally unavailable so these displays of emotion mean a lot.

I'd also suggest you talk to someone about your needs and what's reasonable. Because if this kind of emotion is that powerful a driver for you, I could see you setting up a cycle where you hurt him to get an emotional reaction, then you feel placated, get back together, and then you hurt him again to get an emotional reaction....ad nauseum.

Hi,

 

Two months ago I (27) broke up with my long distance boyfriend (32) of 10 months. We had some issues but the breakup boils down to the fact that he was quite closed off emotionally (due to past trauma, being cheated on by ex-girlfriend, trust issues) which for me created uncertainty and stress.

 

He reacted badly, we fought and he cried and broke stuff.

A vacation with an ex-gf sounds like the least of this relationship's problems. First off, if anyone tells you he/she is closed off because of something someone did in the past, give him/her the number of a therapist and walk away. He had no business getting into a relationship with you if he was still using someone else as an excuse for his behavior.

Second, what do you mean he "broke stuff"? That sounds kind of unstable, and probably not the type of person you want to hang out with.

Overall, this much drama in a ten-month relationship sounds really unhealthy. In my opinion this should be the time period that you think the other person hung the moon, aka the honeymoon phase. You might be trying to make something work that just hasn't worked from the beginning. And you should ask yourself why. Do you not think you're worthy of a healthy situation? Are you afraid to be alone?

I think the guy is a total douche for inviting his ex on a trip with him, then trying to snare you back and insisting he still be allowed that trip with his ex. I'm sorry, unless they are friends from long, long, LOOOOONG ago and have been friends all along, and you've seen them together and can vouch they are nothing more than siblings now, the fact is she isn't going with him platonically. She thinks they are going on a romantic holiday together and I'm sure he hasn't said, "Sorry honey, I need you to come with me, but understand I'm getting back with my last ex as soon as we're home, I'm sure you understand." Can you imagine how awful she's going to feel when they get back and he then turns on her and says he's getting back with you? Ugh, nightmare stuff really.

More troubling than all of that though is the fact this guy couldn't even grieve properly and heal before racing back to another ex. And he seems to have a bad habit of using his exes to stave off just being alone and learning to get his stuff together.

Based on that and his shabby treatment of the other ex, who I'm sure if you talked to you would find out does not think this is a platonic trip at all, I would say you need to go back to NC and letting this guy go altogether.

If he has trouble opening up emotionally then therapy is the answer, not recycling exes. As another poster said when they pull the whole "I was soooo hurt by another" and they use it as an excuse for mistreatment of you your only response should be, "Here's a number to a good therapist, go see them, I won't date you until you get your sh))) together. So maybe look me up in a year if you kept up with therapy that long."

I don't know how to delete messages here so I'm just writing this instead

Tough situation, but I think the best option is to tell him to go on the trip and then you two will figure things out when he gets back. If he doesn't go because of the ultimatum, you'll be potentially trying to restart the relationship with some resentment on his part, which is bound to recreate the distance that was a problem before.

I am considering it, and I agree an ultimatum is a bad way to start a relationship (even though he was the one that brought up the possibility of not taking the trip). However I don't think I am strong enough to stick around while he is on a holiday with his ex if he decides to go. Not sure if this is one of these things that I am supposed to endure, like a test to my love for him or something, if I should just hop off and save myself the pain.

I think it's pretty manipulative to control the guy's actions by dangling the reconciliation carrot above his head after you dumped him.

 

If you didn't want him acting single, then you shouldn't have made him single.

He actually takes the blame for the breakup but you may have a point.

Did you ever see the episode of Friends where Rachel is dating Bruce Willis? She begs him to "open up" and he starts crying all the time and she ends up dumping him because she can't deal with it.

 

Re-read your above paragraph. What's the guy supposed to do, come to you and pour out all his emotions? You can't expect a man to be emotional in the same way you are, and frankly if he was I can almost guarantee you'd completely lose attraction for him.

 

I think maybe you should talk to a therapist about yourself. I don't think you're really in a position to diagnose him with "emotional unavailability" when he's been committed to you and actively doing things to make you feel included. It sure makes it sound like it's about your feelings and not about his lack of feelings.

On the day we broke up he admitted his fear of abandonment made it hard for him to relax and open up and that he had in a way repressed his feelings for me. He takes the blame for the breakup. That being said, he did a lot of things to make me feel included too. And I agree that there are some issues on my part as well.

A vacation with an ex-gf sounds like the least of this relationship's problems. First off, if anyone tells you he/she is closed off because of something someone did in the past, give him/her the number of a therapist and walk away. He had no business getting into a relationship with you if he was still using someone else as an excuse for his behavior.

That's true to an extent. However if people waited until they were 100% free of past trauma, whatever kind it may be, very few people would start relationships. He does take blame for the actions that were caused by his issues, the main one being fear of abandonment.

Second, what do you mean he "broke stuff"? That sounds kind of unstable, and probably not the type of person you want to hang out with.

 

Overall, this much drama in a ten-month relationship sounds really unhealthy. In my opinion this should be the time period that you think the other person hung the moon, aka the honeymoon phase. You might be trying to make something work that just hasn't worked from the beginning. And you should ask yourself why. Do you not think you're worthy of a healthy situation? Are you afraid to be alone?

He broke a glass. I do know he would never touch me though.

I agree - too much drama for a 10 month relationship. And to an extent I am afraid to be alone. But I love him, too.

I think the guy is a total douche for inviting his ex on a trip with him, then trying to snare you back and insisting he still be allowed that trip with his ex. I'm sorry, unless they are friends from long, long, LOOOOONG ago and have been friends all along, and you've seen them together and can vouch they are nothing more than siblings now, the fact is she isn't going with him platonically. She thinks they are going on a romantic holiday together and I'm sure he hasn't said, "Sorry honey, I need you to come with me, but understand I'm getting back with my last ex as soon as we're home, I'm sure you understand." Can you imagine how awful she's going to feel when they get back and he then turns on her and says he's getting back with you? Ugh, nightmare stuff really.

The ex invited him to visit her, he did not invite the ex. And he is in no way pressuring me to accept the idea of him going on the trip. He was the first one to say this situation looks bad and that he understands if I don't want him to go. He was also the one coming up the possibility of not going on the trip although he has not decided yet.

They are supposed to be platonic friends and I'm pretty sure she does not see this as a romantic trip and neither does he. Not sure about the sleeping with each other part though. Not because I don't trust him in particular but because I wouldn't trust any man and woman to spend so much time together and not slip up unless there is 0% attraction.

Okay, thanks for the clarifications. You shouldn't have to "endure" anything. I finally have found that love is easy and simple and if it isn't you are probably doing it wrong or with the wrong person. At ten months this is all simply too much.

If you want a door open tell him you won't consider any reconciliation right now. He can go on his trip, think things over, come back and if the two of you are still leaning that direction you can date again for a bit and see how it goes. But I would take being exclusive off the table, tell him it's off the table, and if you both decide to become exclusive again there will be no more exes for visiting. And see what he says.

I would still be really leery about the whole "we're just platonic" thing, because you only have his word and it seems very fishy to me that he's booked an entire trip to see an ex who is only a platonic friend on the heels of a breakup. Doesn't this guy have male friends or a job? How does he have so much free time?

Hi Jobelle,

Thanks for posting on my situation. I really admire you for breaking up with your boyfriend when he wasn't treating you right and being true to your feelings about him going on holiday with his ex. I also do not blame him or think he did anything wring booking it. Unfortunately, when people are hurting they do stuff like go and see exes and other crazy things. It's just what happens. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means he is trying to escape the pain of break up in any way possible.

I think from his actions it does sound like this guy is into you. He wouldn't have put so much effort into changing for you otherwise. In fact by breaking up with him you probably increased his attraction.

It's hard to say what you should do. Does he still want to go on the trip? Maybe you could leave it open for now. Say that you can sort through things when he gets back. I'd keep note of how often he contacts you while he is over there and his levels of attention. You will feel it if he is still into you.

I think you guys can work it out when he comes back.

We texted a bit this weekend. He is unsure about me, afraid I will break up with him again and he has not decided whether to cancel the trip or not. I don't blame him for this but I am getting a lot of anxiety over this situation, like stomach aches and very low energy to do everyday things. He also asked me if I think we could mend our relationship after all the mess. He has doubts, and me too. So I'm afraid of what could happen if I told him it will all work out and he doesn't take the trip, and later on he goes back to being emotionally unavailable (and he has a bad temper too) and I break up with him again... He would probably resent me forever after that and we would not even be able to stay friends.

I considered that option - trying to work things out after he comes back - but I know I will feel bad while he's away and I think I might be too proud to go along with this. My bad, I know... It's just that I am so ill equipped to deal with something like this.

Thanks for the feedback!

our men sound so similar. Kind of ambivalent. It is so hard isn't it?

so you mean you just want to split? For now at least?

Gosh, if I pulled this boo-hoo crap with my ex she would have been furious. The little that I did pissed her off enough as it was.

"Oh I'm so into you, this is so nice fooling around together. Let's not talk about our relationship while we have our fun. Oh by the way I'm going on vacation without you, with my ex, but I'm reeeeeeallly upset about it. Really upset. Still might go. But really upset."

Why are you entertaining such a whiner?