The Love Avoidant Fear of rejection dilemma

I have been engaging with a man, younger than myself by about 20 years, since feb 2015. We started chatting on Tinder then moved to KiK messenger then he gave me his cell number. He never seemed interested in meeting in person despite meeting on a hook up site. We have spoken almost every day since we first started chatting and have surprisingly a lot in common. Finally, he decided he wanted to meet up and we did in April. It was suppose to be purely sexual and there was something different about him and our encounter. After that night he became indifferent towards me and on some level hostile yet he still texted me daily. He seemed to try to pick arguments with me almost purposely hoping I'd say I'm done. When I didn't he actually chose to tell me he was all set, that we didn't 'mesh' and he didn't want to talk to me anymore. That lasted for about 20 days and I get a text that I invaded his subconscious and he was having dreams about me. He let me know at this point that I am nothing more than a woman that turns him on and he just wants a sex based relationship. I have had plenty of those and know how they go but what he and I do when we are together does not feel the same way. He's gentle, when he first sees me he approaches me as a man who has a need and desire. I've heard of being ravished but never experienced it until he kisses me, he lifts me up and carries me where ever so he doesn't have to stop kissing me, he moans at my touch and kiss, when he looks at me its just different than any guy has ever looked at me that I was in a sexual relationship with. I can't explain it. He makes sure to wrap me in his arms so I'm not laying on something uncomfortable like a couch or floor, he cradles and protects my head when whipping me around, he lays claim over me by calling me 'his', he tells me his life sucks because he has to leave and then he goes quiet and absent for weeks and then tells me he missed me when we see each other again and the whole cycle repeats. I know he's been hurt very bad in his past and he's very avoidant of social issues and people. He's told me it takes a long time for him to accept new ppl in his world but I'm at my wits end on what to do. Leaving (rejection) would show his fear as truth but I have no idea how I can help him conquer that fear and just know I'm going no where. Suggestions from any love avoidant personality folks would be helpful and very appreciative

How old are you?

This sounds like a bad romance novel. He isn't love avoidant. He's antisocial.

45 not sure why that matters though I've already stated there is a 20 year difference

Good grief! Listen to what he's saying, not what you want to believe. Stop making excuses. This is fantasy.

This guy does not respect you, nor like you. He is in this for attention and occasional sex.

I can't understand what you get from this nothing situation? Why don't you find someone you can actually see, more than once a year.

I think you need to address your issues with love avoidance. if you were emotionally available, you would not waste your time on someone like this.

45 not sure why that matters though I've already stated there is a 20 year difference

Was just trying to get a better context/understanding of what we are dealing with because it does make a difference - he could have been a 16 year old or 40 year old, we didn't know. That's why I asked.

He's legal thanks for your concern

He's not antisocial... In everyday speech a lot of people use the term "antisocial" as a synonym for "shy." But any good dictionary will tell you that the real definition pertains to behaviors that are extremely detrimental to society: lying, stealing, cheating, getting into fights, trying to "beat the system" because they think they are above everyone else and deserve more and better. They can be rapists. They can be murderers. They have underdeveloped consciences, so when they are caught, they show very little genuine remorse. He is none of those things

We see each other every couple of weeks and depending on my school schedule sometimes it can go up to a month but only because I can't afford the time... I am not sure where you get once a year from or take it to that extreme but clearly you don't comprehend what you read... If you did you would see that I am far from a love avoidant...besides based on all of your 'advice' it seems you are always under the impression that someone is being used or nothing good is happening... No positivity from any of your posts... I'm sure you'll understand if I ignore your comments now... Don't have time for the bitter spewing out venom...

You would not be pursuing this nothing situation if you were emotionally available. You would be pursuing someone, who is at least 35 and willing to have a relationship.

He told you that he only wants you for sex. " I am nothing more than a woman that turns him on and he just wants a sex based relationship" You need to listen.

Have you met his friends or family? Does he take you out?

This is strictly sex.

Dont you feel used by this man? It's all about sex, nothing else.

Well, I think if you're both in it for just a purely sexual relationship then there's not any issue. But if you want anything more I don't really think you're going to get it from this man, because he's been very clear about that. As to how you can help him with that issue, the real answer is you can't. Unless you're a trained therapist who he has hired to help him stop being love avoidant and he is actively seeking to change it. Something it doesn't sound like he has any interest in doing, really.

As to how he is during sex, that's just how he is. It's very possible since he has no other outlet for it, that for him sex is the full and entire reason to enjoy another's touch, to share that intimacy. Not everyone enjoys sex where you just go through the motions, have an orgasm, then roll over. There are plenty of people who need more intimate connections and contact than that and he is very likely one of them. But still this does not equate to love or maybe for him it is as close as he gets.

The bottom line though is unless you are 100 percent happy with exactly how he has said and how he acts with you then you're going to run into issues, because he doesn't especially want to change. And he's spelled out the terms of the relationship such as it is very clearly to you. You can keep hoping, but that's about all you can do. I don't know of any way to make someone who says they do not want a full-on relationship suddenly change their mind. In my own experiences with men who had commitment issues etc. I always should have heeded what they were telling me from the start, because that was the truth of how they were. And I didn't do anything to change that nor could I since I wasn't trained on how to do that.

At the end of the day really it's up to you to decide how far you want it all to go before it's either no longer enough for you or he ends it altogether. Sorry, there really isn't a way to control another's heart. They either fall for you and move forward and actively work to change on their own or they don't and sooner or later it ends.

But please keep in mind that any relationship, even an FWB, needs to be an equal partnership with both parties agreeing fully and working together to please both individuals. Your desires and what you want do matter just as much as his. If you want more then either he can give that to you when you ask for it or he can't and you have to move one and keep looking for the one that can.

After that night he became indifferent towards me and on some level hostile yet he still texted me daily. He seemed to try to pick arguments with me almost purposely hoping I'd say I'm done. When I didn't he actually chose to tell me he was all set, that we didn't 'mesh' and he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

 

...he tells me his life sucks because he has to leave and then he goes quiet and absent for weeks and then tells me he missed me when we see each other again and the whole cycle repeats.

He doesn't sound avoidant. It sounds more push and pull or abuse like - he treats you good, then he treats you like crap. He's more like a cat that bites you after licking you because they've been too intimate.

Considering the things he's said to you, I'm not sure why you're sticking with this. Instead of trying to analyse him and figure him out, just get out.

not sure why that matters

He's legal thanks for your concern

... any good dictionary will tell you...

I am not sure where you get once a year from or take it to that extreme but clearly you don't comprehend what you read.... Don't have time for the bitter spewing out venom...

Seriously, you should check the sarcasm and defensiveness. People on this site freely give advice. They don't always tell you what you want to hear but none of us has anything against you... we're just telling you what we think you need to hear.

ParisPaulette, thank you for your advice while yes I'm just in it for the sex myself I'm fine with the situation as is it. Sadly I had hoped there was something I could do on my end to show to him that he doesn't have to be that fearful and distant especially when I've first hand knowledge of how he can be. I doubt I can talk him into therapy though.

Toby17, my sarcasm is basic fact, I asked a simple question and got responses, with the exception of ParisPaulette, that were entirely not the issue... What was his age and my age, I was being used for sex, doesnt it bother me that I'm being used for sex etc.... I have a low tolerance for people who just like to have something to say about anything. Everyone assumes I'm wanting something more from this man other than what I'm getting which is 100% incorrect. I'm in it for the sex. He is a remarkable sex partner and I'm not about to give that up anytime soon. I don't have time for a relationship, I'm a nursing student, and he helps alievate the stress and anxiety. I walked into this full on knowing it but his actions say otherwise. Ergo the reason for my query on advice. I was hoping to get ppl with the disorder more so because I know he will not seek help so I figured maybe I could do some good in the mean time. What did I get? A person concerned I wasn't molesting a child who offered zero advice, a bitter woman whose every advice post (which was a lot in a scant 20 mins) was all negative and condescending and again not on topic. Then I get asked if I'm bothered about being used for sex... So yes I get snarky, matter of fact (not defensive) and sarcastic. Those ppl did not offer advice in the least so please (here comes your snark) refrain from trying to lecture me on my behavior and direct it towards those who merely answered this post with utter nonsense and lack of advice

A person concerned I wasn't molesting a child

Good grief, what utter *******. No-one even remotely indicated you were "molesting a child"! It was simply trying to get a better understanding. A valid question (imo), because depending on what the age is, the advice would be different.

Your snarky, sarcastic and defensive responses and totally out of line and uncalled for. Just because you don't like the responses you get doesn't mean you have to cut people down with snide remarks.

Good grief, what utter *******. No-one even remotely indicated you were "molesting a child"! It was simply trying to get a better understanding. A valid question (imo), because depending on what the age is, the advice would be different.

 

Your snarky, sarcastic and defensive responses and totally out of line and uncalled for. Just because you don't like the responses you get doesn't mean you have to cut people down with snide remarks.

And yet what advice have you given?? Right you are one of the many that just like to comment on anything but say nothing don't like my comments to you then stop responding or respond with pertinent information please

Well, I believe that people can be ready or not ready to fall in love, depending on lots of things..their state of mind, how well their life is going, their past, the person they are with, and even their age.

You and this guy met on a hook up site and you were both clear on this being a sexual arrangement when you met in person. From his point of view, he's being true to that arrangement. I don't know if he feels anything deeper for you but I think that, even if he does, he's not going to admit it or let himself fall in love with you.

Frankly, I think you're wasting your time if you're hoping that a relationship can come out of this. I know you said you're fine with what you have but if you really were, you wouldn't be here wondering how you could help him. You've started developing feelings for him and I'm afraid you're going to get hurt if you continue seeing him...it's your choice.

Missmarple, I do have feelings for him that's hard to avoid but not the type that wants a relationship from him, he's too young for me to consider that. Over the time I have developed caring for him, under the situation I'm not sure how a person can't. My desire to help him is based on that care that he avoid a terrible and lonely path. I want the best for him in the long run but I'm wondering now if by continuing on with him if it will hurt him more in the end. My feelings are inconsequential in this scenario. My main concern is his feelings while he's clearly a love avoidant personality my fear in leaving him is mainly will it send him deeper into that void and prove to him more that he's constantly rejected and hurt. Should I try to overload him so he rejects me and end our relationship on his terms? Would that be better cognitively and emotionally for him or would it make no such difference to a person with that type of personality?

Then are you prepared to stay with him forever?

Should you not end it now before he becomes more attached?

I don't think manipulation is the answer here. I think you simply tell him that his happiness means more to you than being with him.

Valid point mhowe! Thank you!!! Guess I have some serious contemplating to do ... Thanks to all who gave valid advice, it's been helpful and most appreciated