It was only a coffee!

Can I ask for some advice here?

I booked a café table for 2 people at 4pm ish and proceeded to let a married female friend know, by text.

She then asked me if I was asking her out on a date!

I was a little flummoxed by this and made a joke about it and moved on.

Ultimately though, she never agreed to meet me.

Now I thought, after not seeing each other for ages, having a past that was much more communicative between us, that she'd say 'sure, let's meet'.

I was left with her not saying 'no' nor 'yes.

Background? I've known her either side of her marriage (friends 3 years ago). When we first met, I stopped adding up the amount of friends/employees who told me we had a mutual crush on each other. BTW, I was invited to the wedding but only on my own and if I took someone else to the wedding who needed a 'partner'.

That being said, she has blown hot and cold with me for a while now (after her wedding!), asking me to her 30th birthday celebrations after not really communicating previously in the preceding weeks leading up to it. Conversely, she's also tried to get me a job where she works... but recently, that's been her only source of communication with me. Weird but why would someone who doesn't really seem to want to speak with me the way she used to, work hard enough to tell me about vacancies in her own workplace to get me a job where she works where we'd be 100% talking and working with each other every day?

IMO, the drop in communication is noticeable and less personally insightful on her behalf when we do speak... whether via email or phone call. In the past, she'd honestly call me for hours, about non work things, and I literally couldn't get off the phone.

I figure I:

1. Was there to help her through her wedding wobbles and now she's OK... that's it or

2. She liked me... but I didn't do anything

I cant work it out... hence the message today.

Yes.. I do want to tell her that we're not really friends anymore as we don't meet/speak/mail/txt. That coming after the initial relationship we had... that is very noticeable.

Folks, I don't want to make a big deal about letting her know I liked her but I really do want to... as I don't want to snuff it next week not letting someone know I had feelings for them...

You are an orbiter. She likes male orbiters. Look, she knows you are interested. She knows if her marriage ends that you are one of the many guys on her list that have expressed interest to her. All the other guys over the course of her marriage are/will express their interest to her much more subtlety than you just did.

If and when her marriage fails, maybe 5, 10 or 15 years from now she will go through that list of interested men and contact the guy who can provide her with the most resources.

Bottomline, if you were dating 2 to 3 single women right now, you would not have asked her for coffee. Your actions convey to her that you don't have options. Don't advertise that to women ever as it is a bad move.

If a woman wants you she will do anything to be with you. This woman has zero interest at the moment. Don't be her orbiter. Get out and date. When you find a woman that makes you forget about this one, that's the girl you should get into a relationship with.

Best of luck!

Thanks for this.

I'm not drooling over her FB page etc. and praying/waiting for her to call.

As I've said, I'm no chaser... far from it. This was the first contact in 6/7 weeks I think.

IMO, I'm not going to lose a friendship... because we don't really have one.

What will I gain from telling her? Only that I told her and that it was her behaviour in the first instance that allowed this to happen. I'm still the same guy she knew ages ago who flirted with her like she did with me. Now, her hobby at keeping me keen has gone... she's bolted and that's her fault not mine.

Well, I'd like to think maybe her conscience got the better of her and she's decided to do the right thing and choose her husband over you. But I kind of doubt it given your description.

You were there to help her through the wedding wobbles. Now that she's married she's deciding that maybe guys hanging around her might not be something her hubby would be too keen on. And so she's weaning you off contact. Expect no response soon, but do expect it in the future if things turn a bit sour in the marriage. Expect to be her backup boy for a loooong time if that suits you.

The fact is she's not as responsive to you since her needs are being met by another man. Sorry, but if you hang around someone who is in a relationship you can't expect them to treat you like you were both single. Doesn't matter if she once liked you, she married someone else meaning he had something more to offer.

I would let this one go and move on to properly single women. She's gotten her validation from you and that's that.

Thanks ParisPaulette.

I'll not be staying up late waiting.

However, I am still saddened by the way she made a really big deal to initially try and get to know me, before she was engaged. There were/are plenty of guys she knew... why add another to the basket?

ParisPaulette, I knew that she was coming on to me but I never really made a play, knowing that a few months after I'd known her, she got engaged,

All the txting tooing and frowing... I even had a phone call 4 days after her wedding .

Weird but I'd have been naked in bed after my wedding day, not making time calling up someone who you apparently didn't give a about. This year... even her texts late at night had no content... they could have been left for the morning... absolutely... it was more the context in that she was letting me know she wanted me to remember her as the last thing on my mind that night.

So... this was all a game? Really? This takes effort.

You had/have attraction for her.

She probably has the same for you.

That was NEVER a friendship to begin with, and never will be. No need to announce it.

Besides, she was always involved and is now married. It's inappropriate and disrespectful for her to have "male friends".

Also, you do NOT want this girl if she is engaging into inappropriate/disrespectful behavior WHILE in a relationship. She is walking a fine line on that end. She is the type of lady that gets into relationships but always has guys like you on stand by in case things go south.

NOT a good Long Term relationship material. I would expect to hear from her more often in the future........cause she will stray every single time things go south in her relationship. Unfortunately, ANY relationship is just like life. Full of ups and downs. So be ready.

Next time, don't ask her out for coffee. And leave things as they are, no need to announce anything etc. You are making things weird and awkward by doing so.

Let it go

DOF... look... I agree.

BTW... she asked me for a coffee one Monday morning too... did that feel weird or awkward?

We're not friends and were certainly nothing more. So... is that it? Two people... we both just end up fading into nothing.. without even as much as an explanation on either side?

God forbid... we're not going to get it together... far from it. I understand that. However, I need to get it off my chest... for my own benefit.

What are you hoping to gain from "getting it off your chest" (your feelings) with this married woman? I mean, really, what do you expect will happen? That she will reciprocate (DANGER, DANGER), or be weirded out/awkward, or tell you to get lost?

DOF... look... I agree.

 

BTW... she asked me for a coffee one Monday morning too... did that feel weird or awkward?

 

We're not friends and were certainly nothing more. So... is that it? Two people... we both just end up fading into nothing.. without even as much as an explanation on either side?

God forbid... we're not going to get it together... far from it. I understand that. However, I need to get it off my chest... for my own benefit.

That's selfish, don't do it.

What if you do and her husband sees it. Not cool and you look like "that guy".

And yes, that's it. You are not friends. What is there to talk about. ANYTHING you talk about is bunch of worthless "pretend" BS and drama.

Focus on finding someone that's not taken OR engages into inappropriate behavior. These actions should speak loud and clear about her intentions, character and intelligence level.

Good luck

It's unethical to tell a married person you have a crush on her. You want to get it off of your chest? Write it down, rip it up, and put it in the trash where it belongs. You're not getting over the crush because you continue to stay in contact. Since you seem to want a gf, put your emotional energy and time in that direction. Join meetups.com. Time spent with activities meeting people who share your interests is the best way to get your mind off of Mrs. Wrong and onto someone who is emotionally and physically available.

Fudgie...

What do I have to lose? I mean she and I aren't friends so I'm not losing that.

Weird/Awkward? She's more than culpable so shouldn't feel as this is bombshell news... she's partly to blame for this in the first place.

Get lost?... Don't care.

Respect? Well I feel crappy that someone has seemingly led me a merry dance and screwed with my emotions. So, in that respect, I want to let her know that.

Fudgie...

What do I have to lose? I mean she and I aren't friends so I'm not losing that.

Weird/Awkward? She's more than culpable so shouldn't feel as this is bombshell news... she's partly to blame for this in the first place.

Get lost?... Don't care.

 

Respect? Well I feel crappy that someone has seemingly led me a merry dance and screwed with my emotions. So, in that respect, I want to let her know that.

Are you a sucker for drama? I don't understand going through such histrionics for so little ROI. Let this go and get on with your life. This is high school stuff.

Fudgie...

What do I have to lose? I mean she and I aren't friends so I'm not losing that.

Weird/Awkward? She's more than culpable so shouldn't feel as this is bombshell news... she's partly to blame for this in the first place.

Get lost?... Don't care.

 

Respect? Well I feel crappy that someone has seemingly led me a merry dance and screwed with my emotions. So, in that respect, I want to let her know that.

You are as bit as culpable in this as she is. I understand that it can be really frustrating when a woman is hot and cold. It reels you in when she is hot, and then you are left holding the bag when she is cold. It's not calculated, and she couldn't change even if she wanted to. But you also hovered around when you had plenty of reason not to. Even if things are very rocky in someone's relationship, hanging around puts you in a very vulnerable position. And that's on you. You knew what you were doing - you had feelings for her, however much you tried to tell yourself that you weren't pursuing her or doing anything wrong. Technically you didn't - but you did offer her up as a sacrifice to be used as she pleased. I'm sure it seemed noble at the time.

"So... is that it? Two people... we both just end up fading into nothing.. without even as much as an explanation on either side?"

Sure. And why not? People get close and get distant with no explanation all the time. I had a friend I was close to 2 years ago. He got married, and we don't really talk anymore. There's no reason for it. I am still glad for that friendship when it happened. There would be no reason for me to go and bug him about why we aren't that close now. Unless I was like "Hey, we don't talk that much anymore, let's go grab a beer and catch up!" Of course... I'm not in love with him. So you see how the two situations are different.

Ignore her actions here. The only real difference between a regular male friend who you've lost touch with and your situation, is that YOU love her. That has everything to do with you, and little to do with her. So making a big deal out of her fading away, and going off on her about it and revealing your feelings, similarly is about you trying to get something out of this. Closure, putting pressure on her to give you another chance, whatever. It won't give you what you are really wanting. And it will burn the bridge. You never know what will happen in the future. She's essentially communicated to you exactly where you stand at this point. There's nothing for you to say.

Perhaps I'm more annoyed than I thought I was.

I feel like she led me to the point where (before she was engaged) we actually did genuinely care for each other... a powerful mutual feeling between two people. For whatever reason, it never was that but, to me, it seemed real and genuine. When you allow yourself to feel that for someone, you're bound to feel upset when it seemed fake OK?

I wasn't on the lookout for anyone until I met her... and its now the worst thing I could have ever done.

I appreciate you trying to understanding here OK? I wont write the note and arrange a shouting match it just leaves me bitter. I knew that this would never turn out right, the moment we first met. I distanced myself from her most times but I could gradually feel myself being drawn towards her and this is where I am now.

"she has blown hot and cold with me for a while now (after her wedding!), asking me to her 30th birthday celebrations after not really communicating previously in the preceding weeks leading up to it. Conversely, she's also tried to get me a job where she works... but recently, that's been her only source of communication with me."

- Blowing hot & cold... less communication.

Take this as a hint, you're not her No.1

"Yes.. I do want to tell her that we're not really friends anymore as we don't meet/speak/mail/txt. That coming after the initial relationship we had... that is very noticeable. "

- Umm, people can go a long time ant not talk, text etc and stil remain friends, you know.

-Relationship you two had??? Honestly, I think all you were was her emotional pillow. But that's all done now.

Time to ease off with any expectations from her.

Whatever YOU thought you two may have had.. is done.

Respect that she's married, back off with NO more expectations and move on with your own Life now.

You're right. Thank you for telling me something that I do already know but am stupid and stubborn enough not to agree/want to agree with.

It is my fault.

I just have to dust myself down and 'put it down to experience'.

Amazing the power of emotions to cloud the world.

You're right. Thank you for telling me something that I do already know but am stupid and stubborn enough not to agree/want to agree with.

It is my fault.

 

I just have to dust myself down and 'put it down to experience'.

 

Amazing the power of emotions to cloud the world.

Too true, Emotions are bullies.

Look, it's not that it was fake or that you never had any kind of connection. It just wasn't quite the same on her side as it was on yours. It just didn't develop as you had hoped. We've been there! As you back away the emotions will die down, but they might give some last howls and screams before they go.

Well, some people just need an audience. For them it's about knowing someone out there wants them and is at their beck and call, responding to them. That's what they need, it's what they want, they do not really care about engaging or forming normal relationships of a healthy nature. THAT'S why she communicates odd things to you at odd times and does things that seem strange, because for you--someone who doesn't need excessive validation or attention from others--it doesn't seem normal.

That's because it isn't.

In a way she reminds me of my last ex. We had an on/off thing for six years during which the pattern went like this: He'd pursue me like mad, say everything right, carry on about how much I meant to him, win me over, keep it up for a month or maybe even three or four, then find some other girl to be obsessed about. Dump me, often just by simply disappearing. Months later he'd turn back up to pull some excuse out of his backside and do it all over again. And yeah, I was in a pretty bad head space at the time so I let him do it six times. He'd happily still be doing it if I'd let him and hadn't finally fallen out of obsession and blocked and deleted him. (I won't say love 'cause that was definitely not love, I have that now and it's not even close to whatever the heck that was.)

Is there any sense to what they do when they're like that? No. But what you can do is say, "I'm out of this trainwreck, because it's making my head hurt" and then you pack up your toys and you go home and you block and delete them. And you find someone who doesn't need an audience or like the idea of you pining there available for them more than they actually like you.

"I'm out of this trainwreck, because it's making my head hurt"

Couldn't really put it better than that and your example reeks of my own.

I'll tell you though... when laid on thick like PB, its been hard to resist the temptation of this woman but your words have helped enormously.

Weird... she is an incredibly attractive woman and God knows doesn't need validation surely each day..? But I guess she does... from lots of men.

Thanks for this.

 

I'm not drooling over her FB page etc. and praying/waiting for her to call.

As I've said, I'm no chaser... far from it. This was the first contact in 6/7 weeks I think.

IMO, I'm not going to lose a friendship... because we don't really have one.

 

What will I gain from telling her? Only that I told her and that it was her behaviour in the first instance that allowed this to happen. I'm still the same guy she knew ages ago who flirted with her like she did with me. Now, her hobby at keeping me keen has gone... she's bolted and that's her fault not mine.

You want to tell her with the secret hope she reciprocates. Or not. Either way I wouldn't waste time on it. She's clearly moved on and married. Let this go. If she's really not a friend, you shouldn't be this curious.

"I'm out of this trainwreck, because it's making my head hurt"

 

Couldn't really put it better than that and your example reeks of my own.

I'll tell you though... when laid on thick like PB, its been hard to resist the temptation of this woman but your words have helped enormously.

Weird... she is an incredibly attractive woman and God knows doesn't need validation surely each day..? But I guess she does... from lots of men.

That's not surprising at all. Like anything else, too much of a good thing can become an addiction. These people are conditioned to have a lot of attention. When they get it, they aim to keep it. When they have an opportunity to get more, they will take it.

Thanks to the both of you/all of you. Honestly... this has really helped.