Donate To Sperm Bank While In A Relationship

So, my boyfriend and I been distant lately cause we've both been working a lot and trying to build for ourselves and each other. Today my boyfriend and I talked on the phone for awhile and he told me the that he donated to the sperm bank and I reacted in a shock, unexpected news kind of way...he also decided to get my opinion on how I would feel if he donated to one of his friends who are a lesbian couple. That also made me like "Wow, so this is what you've been doing?" I mean if a guy you've been with over a year and some months, close to 2 years who said they want to start a family and get married to you throw that news at you how would you feel?

I have no problem with him helping, but I feel like he at least could have communicated with me before just donating to the sperm bank. He keep saying he didn't feel like he needed to communicate that too me. Which added on to the "WOW, keep throwing stuff at me thoughts", especially considering I'm always communicating with him and keeping things 100%. This is the leading cause in our relationship communication and it bothers me A LOT.

So with that being said, just wanted to know -Did I overreact about the whole sperm bank and feeling like he needed to tell me? Or Feel So Neglected from his decision?

What are his reasons for donating to the Sperm Bank, and donating to this lesbian couple?

Donating to the sperm bank...money.

The couple: just to donate.

In all honesty, think he's doing this cause he feel he's getting older and won't be able to produce children.

you've been distant lately and each working on yourself so i suspect there's a general decrease in communicating things to one another, this just falls into the same compartment.

so he wanted to help out a lesbian couple? i don't know how that's something that reflects badly on your relationship???

what was his reason to donate to the sperm bank before deciding to help out the lesbian couple? maybe the males on here will be able to shed more light on that, i'm kinda clueless tbh- i can think of other ways of being a philantrope lol so unless he's also into tons of other humanitarin stuff i don't think he'd just do that 'cause he's just so kind. again, leaving that one to the lads.

He's given before to friends and family...even if it was his last.

Like I don't mind him donating, it was just the fact that we talked the day before yesterday (Tuesdays) not once did he say Babe this is where I'm going or got my opinion like he did for the lesbian friends. He says he did it for money but it's like, you have two jobs...money isn't that serious. This is a whole child, and I've seen plenty of shows where the kids wanted to know who was their biological father. And it's like I was voicing that to him and he looking at it as that's not gonna happen. I'm young and don't understand, and it also doesn't help when he says he's getting older he doesn't think he'll be able to produce children then he says to me sometimes he doesn't think I can get pregnant so it's like to me you're taking my chances away. And I think that's why my reaction was so shocked and coming accross as angry...but I'm actually really hurt by this.

Hmmmm...well this is definitely a very difficult situation, not black and white at all. On the one hand, it is his decision, but it's creating another human being and him being the biological father, and that's a huge thing. I'm not sure where you live, but here in Australia once the sperm donor child turns eighteen, they actually have a legal right to access their donor's details and contact them. Then it's up to the donor of course to respond or not but it's not like once you ejaculate into that cup, your connection to what you did is gone forever - it's not.

Creating a child is a huge decision and CAN be a responsibility later in life if the donor child decides to get in touch. I watched a TV programme about donors and donor children and some of the sperm donors actually kept in touch with the child and their family at least in some way (e.g. receiving pictures). Others got contacted by the child when they were older and decided to respond. One guy was a sperm donor back in the 70's and back then the laws were that the donor child could not contact their biological father. But this guy was still contacted because the records office made a special consideration. He had a biological donor daughter and she had been looking for him for fifteen years and was now dying of cancer and about to pass on, so the records office made an exception. The guy spent six weeks with his daughter and then she died and he was devastated. So I don't think it's always a clear cut case that the donor will never be involved in that child's life at all.

I'm not sure if in the case of your boyfriend if he just made the decision to never respond if the child contacts him and therefore thought there was no reason to tell you, as he would never be involved in any way. I mean, have you discussed with him what his plans are? Would he ever get in touch with the child? Giving to his lesbian friends would be totally different,seeing as he knows them, and he would know the child. So unless he cuts contact with them forever, how can he not be in the child's life?

It does seem that your boyfriend did all this very abruptly and where do you fit into all this? So I do completely understand why you were so upset. Have you and him talked about having kids? It's hard to know how you should react without having discussed any plans for children yourself....

so, are you actually bothered by the fact he's not trying to have children with you but you want them? sorry, i'm trying to make that out from the story to no avail...why would he say he thinks you can't have children? and did you two discuss whether you'd want children when you got serious? if he wants them that badly but doesn't think you can have them (you/him, i'm not sure i get which of you he thinks has fertility issues) has he suggested you go to a fertility clinic for a consultation?

He seem like he isn't gonna really be in the child's life if they make contact or not.

And we really don't talk about our future like we use too. Like he scared or just not living in that moment like I am. He asked me to marry him and I've been trying to talk about wedding stuff, but he doesn't like talking about it, but remember he asked me to marry him. When it comes to children, told him how many I would like and he already has a kid, once again he have opportunities that I have not yet been given. He jokes saying he doesn't want anymore kids or don't want kids with me, and I know he's a huge jokester, but after awhile when you say stuff so many times it doesn't really feel like a joke anymore...feels like that's what he really wants and passing it as a joke. We're always talking and always manage to go into an argument. I'm always trying to be strong and supportive and understanding of his decisions, but like you said where do I fit in this. He constantly says he's building for us, but when you don't communicate with me on what you're tryna build with me, then I'm going to feel like what's my purpose in this relationship.

My personal opinion is he did it all for money, and don't be suprized if he has asked that couple for money for his services.

The issue he has with "children" regarding you and him is stupid. I don't think he is the one who wants kids.

key statement is he doesn't want kids with you.

you've gotten proposed by a man with different ideas on what the relationship should be like- on some major topics apparently.

implied communication issues and drifting apart...

i'd be talking about other things here, not the sperm bank thing.

Kind of, he knows how important family is to me. I want children, I love babies, I'm very family oriented. I also want to adopt children as well as have my own So him donating isn't the problem. It's just the communication of his decision, especially if he wants me apart of his life.

I believe he thinks that cause we usually have unprotected sex and I haven't gotten pregnant though out all those times of us doing that. (Sorry if that was tmi)

And he says he think both of us, but deep down think his feelings is more stronger on my end...

In all honesty, think he's doing this cause he feel he's getting older and won't be able to produce children.

 

He jokes saying he doesn't want anymore kids or don't want kids with me.

 

It also doesn't help when he says he's getting older he doesn't think he'll be able to produce children then he says to me sometimes he doesn't think I can get pregnant so it's like to me you're taking my chances away.

He seems to be a mass of contradictions. On one hand he says he doesn't want kids, on the other he is donating his sperm to strangers and lesbian friends because he thinks he's getting older and this is his last chance to produce children? I wish I could be helpful but all I can do is point out the confusing dichotomy.

Exactly, which leaves me confused. Like I you think you can't have kids...why donate? Are you taking a risk? Really couldn't talk about it cause he felt I was just being angry

Yea, I've came here so much for advice on so many things

I for sure agree with you on the money part. Idk where he's gonna go with that couple situation.

And I agree with his thoughts on his self diagnostics are very stupid.

OP, the confusion is not necessary here and is only created out of trying to make sense out of one issue as though it occurred in a vacuum. you're beating around the bush here. not intentionally, but, you get my drift.

key thing is he doesn't want children with you. had he wanted them he'd set up an appointment at a clinic or explored adoption options with you. had he been taking you seriously he'd not suggest marriage whilst knowing the marriage would not be satisfactory to you since it wouldn't result in one major thing you're looking for, children.

so do you want to be taken for that ride with a man who, to top things off is very dodgy, confusing and drifting from you?

We have lots of problems in our relationship. He's 4 yrs older than me. He's was ready for most stuff when I wasn't yet cause I was just getting set in college and in life. He's done things and been through things that I haven't yet experience. His past, chaos. I knew all these things when dating him, but he wasn't a horrible person. Still isn't, and I see what you're saying, I don't want a relationship where we're distant and don't need to be. If I can explain him and our relationship and myself so you can understand to be able to help me even more I would. Many times he could've left, cause trust me he's one of those guys who won't stay if he doesn't want to. Feel like therapy is our last option before just simply ending it.

Hope I'm not making this even more difficult to get advice with. Just so much on my mind now. You all just opened my mind to more thoughts.

i just find it incredibly selfish of him to not take into account the needs and life goals of his partner, especially given that he knows full well you want and deserve a shot at creating for yourself the life you want-- and also knows full well he's not going to be the person who helps you meet those relationship/life goals.

Usually one of the first things a serious, honest couple decides before taking things to the next level and comitting long-term is whether they have the same goals regarding children.

His confusing need to sow his seeds around and the failure to address possible future involvement in the child's life with you, or making legal arrangements regarding this involvement with donor children and the lesbian couple---that is so, so "what the f" to me. does he take his involvement with anyone's future seriously??? just sounds like cares about his own, with complete disregard for others the way this story reads to me...

That's what I was talking about to him. Like ever since he and I been focus on work and building, it's like he became so selfish and neglectful. Like he's so focused on individual development that he forgot that he's still in a relationship that needs to develop. He constantly says he knows me and it's like everyone who knows me know I'm strong on communication and honesty.

And hopefully when we see each other, we can discuss all the problems we have at hand so it can be a resolution. Just so much it can become overwhelming and a relationship shouldn't fee overwhelming in a stressful way.

I'm sorry but if you're not married, it's not your sperm. He can do what he wants with it. There's no guarantee that you two will stay together. You're just stopping him from being a father. He should donate if he wants to.

It's not like him donating is going to change your relationship one bit. If you're resentful because (he says) he doesn't want to kids with you, then you need to deal with that contradiction. The donation is irrelevant.

I'm sorry but if you're not married, it's not your sperm. He can do what he wants with it. There's no guarantee that you two will stay together. You're just stopping him from being a father. He should donate if he wants to.

 

It's not like him donating is going to change your relationship one bit. If you're resentful because (he says) he doesn't want to kids with you, then you need to deal with that contradiction. The donation is irrelevant.

actually, noone and nothing seems to be keeping him from fatherhood. in fact, he's fathering children all over the place without asking anyone's blessings.

more like he doesn't give a hoot that she won't get to be a mother if she signs up for a future with him.

in fact, he doesn't give a hoot about his effect on anyone's future beyond the point of conception apparently.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. This guy is all about himself.

I think as women as a whole we want to maintain sovereignty over our bodies and our genetic material. We say my body my right to choose. Men should have that equal right over their body and their genetic material.

Not stopping him from being a father. He has a child of his own already. Don't care if he donated to the sperm bank, I just wished as in a relationship now he would have spoke that to me since we've been working on our self individually and rarely talking to get somewhere for our future. If he voiced about donating to friends and asked my opinion about that, what would've been so hard to say that before hand about the bank...it's pretty much the same thing. Get what I'm saying? Yeah the contradiction is the problem and so is the communication. I agree he can do what he wants it's his sperm, but I was never anti don't donate. Hopefully if it was the other way around and I wanted to become a surrogate he wouldn't have a problem.

Pretty much sums everything I'm trying to say in a nut shell.